Old feelings returning

[superjonboy]

I've not been on the site much over the past few years because I'd been doing a lot better. I'd got myself a job where I worked for a few years and then even when I became redundant and set up as self employed I was still doing ok regards my health anxiety. In the past I've been so bad that I can't leave the bed.

I came off medication in July. I'd been on the maximum dosage of Sertraline at 200mg and gradually started taking less. I've been fine ever since. The occasional blips that everyone gets but managed to work plenty and be quite active socially.

Now out of the blue the old feelings are back but it feels a bit different. On Saturday I worked in the morning but come 2.30pm I felt really down. I felt so flat and sad it started to really concern me. I just felt like crying and did have some periods of tears, because I'm so scared of going back to my worst.

Now it's been a couple of days and I'm still down and feeling bits of anxiety. Last night I didn't sleep and I'm really scared it's all escalating and I'm going to end up at my worst again. I've got loads of work to do but I can't seem to concentrate at the minute. I've also got loads of things to look forward to this year and be happy about but I just feel so sad.

This all sets my old thinking pattern going where I worry about having things like Schizophrenia or that kind of illness developing. Or that there's something physical developing.

I've booked into the doctors for tomorrow morning. I'm hoping that I'm just a bit down after Christmas and maybe have a bug that's getting on top of me too and mimicking some of the old feelings. I do feel a bit like I've been walking a tightrope for the last couple of months though and now I've kind of fallen off back into anxiety and depression.

---------- Post added at 13:23 ---------- Previous post was at 11:59 ----------

Really don't know what to do.

I was doing so well now I feel like I'm going right back to my worst :(

[MrAndy]

you havent got schizophrenia if you did you would have vivid illucinations and or hear voices very clearly.It could be a delayed reaction to coming off the sert it takes months for the brain to return to normal especially on the high dose you was on. Doctors very rarely recognise withdrawal symptoms though but its still worth talking to your gp

[superjonboy]

Thanks Mr Andy.

I'm just so upset about it. The thought of having to go through all the awful stuff again. I've done so well for a few years and I feel like I'll have to go back through it all again to get better.

[MrAndy]

treat it as a blip ,you have overcome it before so you can again.This time you will be better prepared.We all learn from our anxiety and depression,we learn how to deal with it

[superjonboy]

That's what I don't really understand. I've learned so much about anxiety and depression I should really know whats going on and be able to deal with it but I just seem to keep breaking down in tears.

Really struggling with the sleep thing now too. None last night and cant even seem to nap during the day

[Tessar]

Hey, superjonboy, sorry to hear u r struggling at the moment. Something worth reminding yourself of is that you have been able to come through hard times before and cope with situations that make you feel extremely uncomfortable...... It is a real credit to you to manage under such pressure. Even though at the moment you feel down, it is entirely possible to get through your current feelings & feel good again .
I recall as i came to the end of my therapy, I was given a form to fill out. one section was about making a list of the things I would do if I started to feel bad again.
If you cast your mind back .... What were the things you find worked best for you?
I am certain that sharing here will be very helpful for starters.
Also it is quite natural to have ups and downs in life so perhaps you are going through a natural down. I agree it is very unlikely you'd have schizophrenia as this would present very differently to the way you describe your current situation.
Sending you hugs my friend and how about starting that list of things that will help you start to feel better? Some of them just little things.... But they all help to improve your mood & help u pick up generally.
Also it is natural to fear you are heading back to that dark place & though it may feel inevitable, I am confident you will not. If you can start chipping away..... You will gradually improve. Also there's no reason at all not to see your doctor as having support is a very good idea, :-)

[superjonboy]

Thanks for your reply.

It's been really tough today. Been getting some really dark and helpless feelings/thoughts.

I'm not really sure what snapped me out of it before. Medication, probably a bit of the CBT and most of all probably focusing on other things like new hobbies e.t.c.

At the minute I just feel unable to do any of that. I'm self employed and I'm finding that I'm having to cancel appointments which means ultimately I'll lose clients and income.

I just feel so desperate again. :weep:

[Fishmanpa]

Sorry to hear you're struggling but as been said, you've done it before and you can do it again. You just need a plan. Check out CPE's thread in the stickies "Get a plan and get on it" (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=159331). If you're self employed, then you have the inner fortitude and self discipline to do this. One step at a time. One foot in front of the other until you're gaining ground.

As far as schiz?... if you "think" you're going crazy you're not. People who really suffer from this don't realize it.

Positive thoughts

[mummato2]

You know there is actually such a thing as being anxious about anxiety (I know, I had to do a double take on this as well)

Apparently it happens when you've had a good success with treating your anxiety and an overwhelming feeling hits you that you are sliding back.

Then you panic and that horrible cycle perpetuates again.

You've had a few big things happen in the recent years. Employment, redundancy, self employment - they're all huge things that would take a normal toll on stress.

Just take a step back to refocus and also to reflect on exactly what you have achieved so far.

Try to keep perspective :) You've done a great job on this anxiety so far xx

[superjonboy]

I mainly work as a self employed guitar teacher but I've found myself cancelling a lot of lessons this week.

I've done one this morning which was really tough.

Thing that's really troubling me this morning is a really weird intrusive thought/image. It sounds mental but as I was laid in bed this morning I imagined like a small pimple on someones ear lobe. Then imagined it being removed and it was like a grain of rice but transparent. Then when it touched another part of the persons body it like implanted itself so it looked like a wart or pimple or something again. Now I can't get the image of it out of my head. Each time I think bout it it's making me feel sic but also like I'm going mad :(

[superjonboy]

The intrusive thought bit in my last post - does anyone think that's something to be concerned about? It just seems so weird.