rchippex
07-01-15, 10:13
Hi all.
Firstly sorry for the essay. About 12 weeks ago I suffered a relapse into an old anxiety condition after a lot of mounting stress over the course of a year which was all brought to a head by another event and caused me to panic. It had been over 5 years since my first major anxiety experience.
Over the weeks following that I slipped steadily back into what I would class as generalised anxiety disorder due to stresses still being present and me not putting into place the steps I learnt previously that could have prevented the full relapse. As part of the disorder I began to have one or two violent intrusive thoughts, feelings and images that scared the life out of me. This only began about 2 weeks in after hearing horrible stories on the news and on facebook which got into my head and kept recurring. All of which I now avoid of course :wacko:.
As a result I began to become very fearful of them and was always on the look out for them when around things like blades (or anything else that could be used as a weapon) or my family. I know this was the worst possible thing to do as of course the thoughts then became more and more frequent and distressing. I then decided to look into it further and research the thoughts i.e. intrusive thoughts in general in order to reassure myself. This worked for a while and the thoughts reduced and so did their impact but then I slipped back again and got scared of them after having a bad anxiety attack. I pressed on and started to work on just letting the thoughts drift in and out and began CBT (only had 1 session of ERP so far) which has helped to see them as just thoughts however the frequency of them by this point was pretty severe. For example any time I tried to concentrate on an image in my head it would get changed to a graphic one and if I was anywhere near anything weapon like my mind would create a horrible image of it inflicting damage causing me to mentally recoil and feel repulsed and as such I would try to avoid things. I am now at a point where I do not get huge anxiety spikes when I do have a thought (apart from particular ones like 'did I like that?') but I find I am always on the lookout for any feelings, thoughts, urges etc that may mean I like them and am so aware of every feeling or thought I have. I know I do not like them as I am constantly wishing they would go away but if for example I feel happy for a brief moment I will realise this and worry that it means that I am liking bad thoughts even if I am not having one at the time. I do not always get an anxious spike because of course I don't actually believe the thoughts on a rational level but then even that will cause me to think more about it.
I do not purposely think them and certainly dont want to have them around any longer but I feel I cannot relax fully which is slowing my recovery significantly. It is almost like I am scared to just let go and trust myself. Of course I had all the scary thoughts of what if it is psychosis or schizophrenia but after researching and talking to my therapist I am pretty sure this is not the case or at least as sure as one can be when you suffer from anxiety.
Can anyone relate to any of this or offer a little advice on how I can get over this hurdle or if you experience(d) something similar to this. I would liken it to a backdoor spike I guess. I am confident that if I can somehow cultivate this trust and let go of all these thoughts and stop checking for them that I can get back on the road to recovery again. The checking for them is the habit that I seem to have accidentally built up and need to work on I think. If I see a knife it is like I will inadvertently cause myself to have a scary or graphic thought by the simple act of checking to see if I am having an intrusive thought about it if that makes sense.
For the record the last time I recovered from GAD I used pure willpower alone which was very difficult but I had total trust in myself and was so determined to get my life back on track. Last time I did have intrusive thoughts which centred around knives and actually started the whole anxiety spiral but I put them down to anxiety rather than trying to tackle them seperately and over time they faded completely. This time I let them become a problem of their own which is why I feel they stuck and became more frequent. I enjoyed 5 years of being pretty much anxiety free with the exception of my honeymoon where I got very anxious after lack of sleep and had an intrusive thought that scared me and also after flying to spain on business and getting very tired again there. I got over that after a day or two in both cases and enjoyed an anxiety free life with no horrible thoughts at all for another 3 years!
I am very frustrated with myself for allowing myself to slip back into this horrible thing but I am also completely determined to get over it again as I did the first time round.
EDIT: I should mention that last night I began to use the four step method outlined in the book Brain Lock. It has been helping A LOT but I still have this nagging doubt. I used this book last time I had this as well as reading 'The Imp Of The Mind'. Both excellent books if you are suffering from unwanted obsessions of any kind.
Firstly sorry for the essay. About 12 weeks ago I suffered a relapse into an old anxiety condition after a lot of mounting stress over the course of a year which was all brought to a head by another event and caused me to panic. It had been over 5 years since my first major anxiety experience.
Over the weeks following that I slipped steadily back into what I would class as generalised anxiety disorder due to stresses still being present and me not putting into place the steps I learnt previously that could have prevented the full relapse. As part of the disorder I began to have one or two violent intrusive thoughts, feelings and images that scared the life out of me. This only began about 2 weeks in after hearing horrible stories on the news and on facebook which got into my head and kept recurring. All of which I now avoid of course :wacko:.
As a result I began to become very fearful of them and was always on the look out for them when around things like blades (or anything else that could be used as a weapon) or my family. I know this was the worst possible thing to do as of course the thoughts then became more and more frequent and distressing. I then decided to look into it further and research the thoughts i.e. intrusive thoughts in general in order to reassure myself. This worked for a while and the thoughts reduced and so did their impact but then I slipped back again and got scared of them after having a bad anxiety attack. I pressed on and started to work on just letting the thoughts drift in and out and began CBT (only had 1 session of ERP so far) which has helped to see them as just thoughts however the frequency of them by this point was pretty severe. For example any time I tried to concentrate on an image in my head it would get changed to a graphic one and if I was anywhere near anything weapon like my mind would create a horrible image of it inflicting damage causing me to mentally recoil and feel repulsed and as such I would try to avoid things. I am now at a point where I do not get huge anxiety spikes when I do have a thought (apart from particular ones like 'did I like that?') but I find I am always on the lookout for any feelings, thoughts, urges etc that may mean I like them and am so aware of every feeling or thought I have. I know I do not like them as I am constantly wishing they would go away but if for example I feel happy for a brief moment I will realise this and worry that it means that I am liking bad thoughts even if I am not having one at the time. I do not always get an anxious spike because of course I don't actually believe the thoughts on a rational level but then even that will cause me to think more about it.
I do not purposely think them and certainly dont want to have them around any longer but I feel I cannot relax fully which is slowing my recovery significantly. It is almost like I am scared to just let go and trust myself. Of course I had all the scary thoughts of what if it is psychosis or schizophrenia but after researching and talking to my therapist I am pretty sure this is not the case or at least as sure as one can be when you suffer from anxiety.
Can anyone relate to any of this or offer a little advice on how I can get over this hurdle or if you experience(d) something similar to this. I would liken it to a backdoor spike I guess. I am confident that if I can somehow cultivate this trust and let go of all these thoughts and stop checking for them that I can get back on the road to recovery again. The checking for them is the habit that I seem to have accidentally built up and need to work on I think. If I see a knife it is like I will inadvertently cause myself to have a scary or graphic thought by the simple act of checking to see if I am having an intrusive thought about it if that makes sense.
For the record the last time I recovered from GAD I used pure willpower alone which was very difficult but I had total trust in myself and was so determined to get my life back on track. Last time I did have intrusive thoughts which centred around knives and actually started the whole anxiety spiral but I put them down to anxiety rather than trying to tackle them seperately and over time they faded completely. This time I let them become a problem of their own which is why I feel they stuck and became more frequent. I enjoyed 5 years of being pretty much anxiety free with the exception of my honeymoon where I got very anxious after lack of sleep and had an intrusive thought that scared me and also after flying to spain on business and getting very tired again there. I got over that after a day or two in both cases and enjoyed an anxiety free life with no horrible thoughts at all for another 3 years!
I am very frustrated with myself for allowing myself to slip back into this horrible thing but I am also completely determined to get over it again as I did the first time round.
EDIT: I should mention that last night I began to use the four step method outlined in the book Brain Lock. It has been helping A LOT but I still have this nagging doubt. I used this book last time I had this as well as reading 'The Imp Of The Mind'. Both excellent books if you are suffering from unwanted obsessions of any kind.