Intrusive thoughts

[rchippex]

Hi all.

Firstly sorry for the essay. About 12 weeks ago I suffered a relapse into an old anxiety condition after a lot of mounting stress over the course of a year which was all brought to a head by another event and caused me to panic. It had been over 5 years since my first major anxiety experience.

Over the weeks following that I slipped steadily back into what I would class as generalised anxiety disorder due to stresses still being present and me not putting into place the steps I learnt previously that could have prevented the full relapse. As part of the disorder I began to have one or two violent intrusive thoughts, feelings and images that scared the life out of me. This only began about 2 weeks in after hearing horrible stories on the news and on facebook which got into my head and kept recurring. All of which I now avoid of course :wacko:.

As a result I began to become very fearful of them and was always on the look out for them when around things like blades (or anything else that could be used as a weapon) or my family. I know this was the worst possible thing to do as of course the thoughts then became more and more frequent and distressing. I then decided to look into it further and research the thoughts i.e. intrusive thoughts in general in order to reassure myself. This worked for a while and the thoughts reduced and so did their impact but then I slipped back again and got scared of them after having a bad anxiety attack. I pressed on and started to work on just letting the thoughts drift in and out and began CBT (only had 1 session of ERP so far) which has helped to see them as just thoughts however the frequency of them by this point was pretty severe. For example any time I tried to concentrate on an image in my head it would get changed to a graphic one and if I was anywhere near anything weapon like my mind would create a horrible image of it inflicting damage causing me to mentally recoil and feel repulsed and as such I would try to avoid things. I am now at a point where I do not get huge anxiety spikes when I do have a thought (apart from particular ones like 'did I like that?') but I find I am always on the lookout for any feelings, thoughts, urges etc that may mean I like them and am so aware of every feeling or thought I have. I know I do not like them as I am constantly wishing they would go away but if for example I feel happy for a brief moment I will realise this and worry that it means that I am liking bad thoughts even if I am not having one at the time. I do not always get an anxious spike because of course I don't actually believe the thoughts on a rational level but then even that will cause me to think more about it.

I do not purposely think them and certainly dont want to have them around any longer but I feel I cannot relax fully which is slowing my recovery significantly. It is almost like I am scared to just let go and trust myself. Of course I had all the scary thoughts of what if it is psychosis or schizophrenia but after researching and talking to my therapist I am pretty sure this is not the case or at least as sure as one can be when you suffer from anxiety.

Can anyone relate to any of this or offer a little advice on how I can get over this hurdle or if you experience(d) something similar to this. I would liken it to a backdoor spike I guess. I am confident that if I can somehow cultivate this trust and let go of all these thoughts and stop checking for them that I can get back on the road to recovery again. The checking for them is the habit that I seem to have accidentally built up and need to work on I think. If I see a knife it is like I will inadvertently cause myself to have a scary or graphic thought by the simple act of checking to see if I am having an intrusive thought about it if that makes sense.

For the record the last time I recovered from GAD I used pure willpower alone which was very difficult but I had total trust in myself and was so determined to get my life back on track. Last time I did have intrusive thoughts which centred around knives and actually started the whole anxiety spiral but I put them down to anxiety rather than trying to tackle them seperately and over time they faded completely. This time I let them become a problem of their own which is why I feel they stuck and became more frequent. I enjoyed 5 years of being pretty much anxiety free with the exception of my honeymoon where I got very anxious after lack of sleep and had an intrusive thought that scared me and also after flying to spain on business and getting very tired again there. I got over that after a day or two in both cases and enjoyed an anxiety free life with no horrible thoughts at all for another 3 years!

I am very frustrated with myself for allowing myself to slip back into this horrible thing but I am also completely determined to get over it again as I did the first time round.

EDIT: I should mention that last night I began to use the four step method outlined in the book Brain Lock. It has been helping A LOT but I still have this nagging doubt. I used this book last time I had this as well as reading 'The Imp Of The Mind'. Both excellent books if you are suffering from unwanted obsessions of any kind.

[Bonnibelle]

I am sorry to hear you're struggling. I suffered horrendous intrusive thoughts in 2013, I had a fear of knives, I threw some out of the house. I struggled to be alone with my children, my husband had to work from home for a while. I had thoughts surrounding harm and violence and it terrified me.

I read the Imp of the Mind which did help but that is quite a difficult read at times. Brain Lock is an excellent read, as these thoughts are OCD but therapists don't agree with all the 4 steps. The way I overcame it was to have ERP. Accept the thoughts are there, write scripts of all my thoughts and read them hourly to habituate. Think of it like this. The first time you watch a scary film it's terrifying, by the 4th time you are kind of getting bored of it and the fear is going. By the 10th time you are so bored you fall asleep. That's habituation.

So agreeing with the thoughts, don't hide away from them, write scripts and read them daily, live your life as though you don't have anxiety, that is the trick. 2 reads I can thoroughly recommend are At Last a Life which is a book you can buy from Amazon and a written piece online called 'A Letter to Myself, Nothing Works'. Google that and you should find the page.

Honestly I have been where you are. My intrusives began after a very difficult time in my life, I was very stressed and anxious and I can see now that's why I had all of the scary thoughts but it was a long year.

Good luck x

[rchippex]

I am sorry to hear you're struggling. I suffered horrendous intrusive thoughts in 2013, I had a fear of knives, I threw some out of the house. I struggled to be alone with my children, my husband had to work from home for a while. I had thoughts surrounding harm and violence and it terrified me.

I read the Imp of the Mind which did help but that is quite a difficult read at times. Brain Lock is an excellent read, as these thoughts are OCD but therapists don't agree with all the 4 steps. The way I overcame it was to have ERP. Accept the thoughts are there, write scripts of all my thoughts and read them hourly to habituate. Think of it like this. The first time you watch a scary film it's terrifying, by the 4th time you are kind of getting bored of it and the fear is going. By the 10th time you are so bored you fall asleep. That's habituation.

So agreeing with the thoughts, don't hide away from them, write scripts and read them daily, live your life as though you don't have anxiety, that is the trick. 2 reads I can thoroughly recommend are At Last a Life which is a book you can buy from Amazon and a written piece online called 'A Letter to Myself, Nothing Works'. Google that and you should find the page.

Honestly I have been where you are. My intrusives began after a very difficult time in my life, I was very stressed and anxious and I can see now that's why I had all of the scary thoughts but it was a long year.

Good luck x

Hi Bonni,

Many thanks for your reply. Yesterday I had a much better day using the four steps. When I had a thought I didnt react to it and then just labeled it as obsessive and said it was just my anxious mind. I then left the thought alone and looked elsewhere or concentrated on something else. When I am able to keep my anxiety low I find this very easy and it worked very well. This morning I have my daughter on my own all day which I knew would spike me really hard. I woke up very anxious after a dream and had to take her to the dentist. I was MASSIVELY anxious all morning despite all my best efforts to float (as per Claire Weekes) and use the 4 steps (from Brain Lock). It was only after speaking to the dentist that I came out of my head a little and calmed down. It was very frustrating. I know that if I could keep the general anxiety lower then I can make good progress on the thoughts but of course your mind always has a different plan. I expose myself to the thoughts as much as I can i.e. being around knives and not avoiding situations or objects and when I have been keeping the base anxiety low I find I can forget a thought in seconds and the frequency is much less. When I am as anxious as I was this morning it seems to be one thought after the next and then a general feeling of having to keep an eye out for them. This checking is what is keeping them coming in my view. When not anxious I am not checking for them. My CBT lady has been off work for the last 2 weeks and I cant see her til a week on Friday which sucks as I was making good progress on my last visit and seem to have slipped a little. I did start back at work on Monday though and have been up at 7am every day which I think was a shock to the system and as we all know tiredness is the enemy of anxiety. It is tricky to know what works best. I do have a fear of the thoughts still as they are pretty grim and it seems almost anything can act as a trigger. The thought of agreeing with them scares me too as I worry that it will make me accept them too much. It's so daft I know but that is the doubt I was talking about that keeps me from progressing. Its like I will do all the right stuff and they will start to get better or not have as much impact but then my thoughts will be along the lines of 'why are you not worried about them', 'does this mean I enjoy them' etc. It is like the classic backdoor spike but moving past that hurdle to total acceptance is proving very difficult.