manda86
09-01-07, 21:00
Hi,
I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right place, I hope I am.
My name's Amanda, and I'm 20 years old. When I was 11, I was bullied in my first year at high school. That eventually led to me getting panic attacks. My self esteem was extremely low, I was depressed and suicidal.
Over three years ago now, after counselling and various other things. I started to get over them and rebuild my life. I started going to college and learning how to drive. All the while supported unconitionally by my mum.
Life was going really well for me. I had realised that in the past year I had become really happy, I was doing well at college, was working part time, had great friends, was going out and having fun.
Then on November 15th my mum died. My whole world has come crashing down.
My friends have been wonderful, very supportive and have really been here for me. My family have been good also, but I hold back on how I am feeling from all of them.
I'm scared that I can't cope with this. I keep getting panic attacks, and I try to use my techniques of coping with them, but the whole time I want to go to my mum, because she helped me through them.
I know that I have become depressed again, possibly it's a natural reaction after a loved one dies. I have no motivation, I don't excercise anymore, I don't enjoy going out with friends, I don't want to go back to work or college. I find myself wanting to pull away from everyone, even the people that I love.
I have arranged to have counselling but there's a long waiting list, and it's going to take atleast a month before I get an appointment.
I feel suicidal sometimes, and I'm scaring myself, because the last time I was suicidal, my mum was the reason I never carried it through, and now there's nothing that I want to live for.
Sometimes I feel like I'm going insane. I feel so lonely, even when I'm out with a group of friends. I try to be happy and smile, but inside I feel empty.
Having panic attacks has always caused problems with my travelling, I had only recently been getting better with travelling, and now without my mum, I'm scared to go to far away from home. I think that I may let my panic attacks control my life again, because I don't know how to cope with the loss of my mum.
Her passing was completely unexpected, a huge shock and very sudden. A part of me is still in denial, I wake up during the night thinking she's still here. I dream about her every night.
We buried her on the 29th of November, and I have been every day since then to visit her grave, but I think I am, I can't think of the word, but I haven't accepted that is my mum's grave.
I am so completely lost, and my life is spiraling out of my control. I'm worried, if I can't control my panic attacks anymore, and stop living my life, that I will kill myself. I am emotionally exhausted.
I haven't been talking to people about how I'm feeling, and I need to talk to someone, someone who isn't as emotionally involved as my family and friends are.
I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right place, I hope I am.
My name's Amanda, and I'm 20 years old. When I was 11, I was bullied in my first year at high school. That eventually led to me getting panic attacks. My self esteem was extremely low, I was depressed and suicidal.
Over three years ago now, after counselling and various other things. I started to get over them and rebuild my life. I started going to college and learning how to drive. All the while supported unconitionally by my mum.
Life was going really well for me. I had realised that in the past year I had become really happy, I was doing well at college, was working part time, had great friends, was going out and having fun.
Then on November 15th my mum died. My whole world has come crashing down.
My friends have been wonderful, very supportive and have really been here for me. My family have been good also, but I hold back on how I am feeling from all of them.
I'm scared that I can't cope with this. I keep getting panic attacks, and I try to use my techniques of coping with them, but the whole time I want to go to my mum, because she helped me through them.
I know that I have become depressed again, possibly it's a natural reaction after a loved one dies. I have no motivation, I don't excercise anymore, I don't enjoy going out with friends, I don't want to go back to work or college. I find myself wanting to pull away from everyone, even the people that I love.
I have arranged to have counselling but there's a long waiting list, and it's going to take atleast a month before I get an appointment.
I feel suicidal sometimes, and I'm scaring myself, because the last time I was suicidal, my mum was the reason I never carried it through, and now there's nothing that I want to live for.
Sometimes I feel like I'm going insane. I feel so lonely, even when I'm out with a group of friends. I try to be happy and smile, but inside I feel empty.
Having panic attacks has always caused problems with my travelling, I had only recently been getting better with travelling, and now without my mum, I'm scared to go to far away from home. I think that I may let my panic attacks control my life again, because I don't know how to cope with the loss of my mum.
Her passing was completely unexpected, a huge shock and very sudden. A part of me is still in denial, I wake up during the night thinking she's still here. I dream about her every night.
We buried her on the 29th of November, and I have been every day since then to visit her grave, but I think I am, I can't think of the word, but I haven't accepted that is my mum's grave.
I am so completely lost, and my life is spiraling out of my control. I'm worried, if I can't control my panic attacks anymore, and stop living my life, that I will kill myself. I am emotionally exhausted.
I haven't been talking to people about how I'm feeling, and I need to talk to someone, someone who isn't as emotionally involved as my family and friends are.