Cant Make Friends Due To Social Anxiety

[dj9928]

I hope someone else can relate to this. I find it impossible to make friends due to my social anxiety, Even at work I always end up being jimmy no mates, I sit by myself at breaks etc, I simply can not get on with anyone. I've worked 5 years and during that 5 years I've had a good 6 jobs, I leave them all because I can not get on with anyone and it really gets me down, and usually ends in piss being taken out of me.

Even at family events I'm usually left sitting in the corner like a loaner, I can't get on with the wifes family or my own, Well apart from Mum and Dad.

I can talk fine on the net on message boards etc, I can talk to the wife but, but other people face to face I clam up, my mind goes complete blank and we are left in silence.

Any help appreciated

A happy person is fully caught up in the moment --and is not thinking about the past or the future.

[clickaway]

Hi,

I can relate to this problem and so can many others. It's difficult to tackle I know but did you consider taking any of the steps mentioned in this post?
LOST FRIENDS AND CAN'T MAKE ANY (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=14856)

We have to be brave in life. If you sit in the corner, you will look sad, and in fact you will wear a frown on your long face. Doesn't look inviting for people who want to start chatting to you, does it?

Offer a smile, compliment work colleagues and hold your head up high.

Try and adopt an air of confidence too. I felt like you, and tried to change myself with no outside help. It can be done!



Ray


http://www.anxietyrelease.org.uk/

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers

[bb01234]

people here won't judge you or laugh at you - the only membership criteria I can hear loud and clear is having or had the same kind of symptoms as you.

talking helps

rgds

brian

[Rollingperson]

I can totally relate to this. I find it really hard to make friends and do feel like billy no mates at work too. Im dreading finding a new job, i think this is part of the problem as i have recently been diagnosed with depresession and am on Citalopram.

"Why do lovers, choose others,
we circle entwine one another,
in that mask that we wear with each other.
Oh my God how I looked in the mirror,
I looked at a hollow picture,
it was something I could frame"

[pinkdante]

These are just a couple of techniques i've picked up along the way. 1) If your face to face with some one, ask THEM questions as the limelight is taken off yourself until you feel eased into the situation. I honestly found this helpful in situations where even though i don't suffer from social phobia - i may have felf self concious.
2) and this really works, if your on the phone and you need to be authoritive or complain etc - Stand up. This really is true, you automatically speak with an air of confidence as opposed to sitting/laying down.
3) this may sound superficial but compliment people not in a lewd way but people love compliments and it opens up conversation.
Well good luck. Feel proud and stand tall!

[sal]

Hi DJ

It is so hard when you feel you cant mix and ive done exactly like you. I would prefer to sit in my own front room than waste my energy trying to fit in. I am a lot better now but that habit is still there. So how do we break it, maybe we need to realise that people would actually enjoy our company if we only give them the chance. It will take time and we can talk through this.

Love Sal xx


Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.


"Life is a distance and to travel that distance you were given the strength and guidance to do so".

[RachelC]

It's the same with me Dj.
I try to use the steps the other users mentioned but they just dont work, I make an effort to talk to people and theyre perfectly nice and interested at first, but I cant make eye contact, I blush, I feel sick, I lose the ability to breathe like a normal person, my voice sounds overly-nice (like im a kindergarten teacher or something, not the best quality when talking to teenagers) and worst of all I say the most idiotic things.
(An example- once I was so nervous about meeting the the best friend of my college roommate, I introduced myself to her using her name.)
Even when I am just with another person, not speaking, I feel that they are looking at me or can hear me breathing, and I feel flushed and start holding my breath without realizing it. This happens to me a lot on the subway.
Because of all this Im also the one at work that people always refer to as 'quiet and independent,' when really I would love to be friends with my coworkers. It just makes me feel like Im going to faint.

[davidthegnome]

You know, I've had the same problem for years. This even began way back when I was in elementary school. Generally I would have one or two good friends I'd often play with. Over time though, I noticed that all of my really close friends moved away. Logically, I know that had nothing to do with me, but the three closest friends I've had in my life all moved away. At the end of my first grade year, around my fourth, and in my seventh.

Through that I think I may have developed a fear of getting too close to anyone. There may be a subconscious part of my mind that expects that any close friend I have will eventually abandon me. Not that they abandoned me by their own choice back then... not that this is really logical, it's just an issue I have.

When I was twenty I came out of my shell for a while. I started to talk more and open up a bit more to people - I also started drinking and partying. After a time I realized that all the friendships I'd developed in that time were pretty empty. It was always small-talk, or a semi-drunken conversation.

To make a long story short, I quit partying and stopped drinking myself into a stupor once I came to this realization.

It doesn't help that I live in a very isolated area with very few people of my own age. I had a friend a year or so ago that was in his forties, but he was constantly going on about sin and about how messed up I was. He was obsessed with the fate of the world and believed everything was terrible. He often preached doomsayer prophesies and so on. I later found out he was boinking his cousin (pardon the crude term) and not only that but that he had been beating her for years. Well, that ended that friendship pretty quick as I could no longer respect him.

Then I made friends with a man in his sixties, who lived out in the middle of the woods in a cabin he'd built himself. We'd watch movies, talk a lot together and even had plans on maybe going to Florida one day where it would be warmer. I know it's odd that a man of my young age (21 at the time) should make friends with such an older man, but I was very lonely and desperate for companionship.

Well, to make a long disturbing story rather short, I found out one night that what he wanted from me wasn't just friendship. He uh, tried doing something to me that I won't go into detail about and I became absolutely disgusted and left. I no longer hang out with him.

Now I spend pretty much all my time at home. I don't really have any close friends myself due to my strange and failed relationships in the past and due in great part to my social anxiety. Generally, in a social situation I tend to sit by myself and think a lot. It's been a long time since I've really opened up to anyone or had a really close friend I could talk to.

Like you, I can even be very uncomfortable at family gatherings. Mostly I dread the question of "What are you doing these days?" Sheesh, what should I say? The truth? Well, Auntie/Cousin/insert relative I tend to spend a lot of time on a nomorepanic forum, I watch lots of disney movies and Japanese animation and write in my notebook a lot. Oh yeah! I also don't work or go to school, but I do see a therapist every week who seems optimistic about my recovery. I live with my parents and am nervous about going outside.

Yeah... that wouldn't go over too well, I don't think.

My therapist tells me I should get out more. So on Monday I'm going to try volunteering at the hospital, maybe a few times a week I'll go in and do what I can to help. Maybe I'll even make some friends there. Maybe once I get a support group going up here I'll be able to make some friends.

Generally though, I understand isolation and social anxiety all too well. I too, have little issue posting on message forums, it's the face to face meetings that make me nervous. Wow, I've rambled a lot haven't I?

I wish I had the solution to this problem, but I haven't found it yet. I'm pretty lonely and despite that loneliness I am nervous and afraid of seeking out companionship. Uhm, well, that's about it, yup, shutting up now.

God bless you and good luck,

Dave

[Nibbles]

Hi DJ,

As a suffer myself I know how hard social gatherings can be. I only have one good friend of my own age and I don't see him very often because we live in different parts of the country. Making friends is difficult for me and I can't get the hang of small talk at all. I like solitary hobbies but would be much happier with a group of good friends that I could count on one hand.

One tip I've heard is that if eye contact is difficult you look just beyond the head of the person you're talking to. That way it still looks like you're making eye contact but doesn't feel as uncomfortable.

Something else that has helped me recently is not to discount people when counting your friends. I've only been a member for a few days but I already count everybody on here as my friend. I also count my family as friends and, despite being much older than me, I count a lecturer who I get on well with at uni as a friend. It has helped me to feel wanted when feeling a bit low. From the people you've mentioned you can count your wife, mum & dad, and everyone on NMP as your friends.

Hope some of this helps. Take care,

[melody]

HI,

I get on pretty well at most parts of life like work and having a good partner to support me. I always wish & hope that I will be invited out to have fun going out dancing or something. When I get in a crowd I want to talk to other people. Sometimes I'm brave enough, sometimes I'm not & then I'm too hard on myself. I get sad & worried that I am a coward & I've ruined my chance at getting to know people. If I hang out with friends of friends I love it & get excited & carry on about things that make me happy. When I go home I get a sense of dread that lasts for many hours. I used to think it was because I always said something wrong, or admitted things that were too personal making myself seem like a freak to the people I was trying to impress. Someone I trust said to me once when this had happened that no one else had noticed when I had admitted I don't really have any friends. They placed a lot less importance on it than I did & they were indifferent, because they were more interested in their own problems that they were speaking of at the time. (by the way, I've completely forgotten whatever their problems were at the time). I thought it was good advice. It still took a while for the panic/anxiety to go away, even though I was convinced I was being silly. It's just a very powerful emotion.

When I hang out with other people I get so happy & excited. I act silly. Then when I have to leave I get so sad. I worry I could have done something wrong that could ruin my chances of getting invited over again because it means so much to me. It's like everyone thinks I'm pleasant enough, but I can't get past that brick wall barrier that is my own insecurities, so I find it very difficult to have friends that do anything else but smalltalk if I happen to be at the same place at the same time.

My insecurities are ruling my life. They are holding me back from a most modest dream of having a mate. I think my old friends have hurt me a lot. I fear rejection, vicious rumors, humiliation, being used for a while & then getting dumped (poorer for it), putting up with people who put me down all the time because I'm desperate enough to put up with it, people who blame me for all their problems if I try to be nice & helpful. Most of all I get angry/sad/depressed when I've been hanging out with someone for ages & they learn of my depression & then turn all hostile & decide they hate me now, without even giving me a chance to explain.

These issues are all ancient history! I don't know why I bother to hang onto them. As I slowly learn to put my needs above other people's needs, hopefully it will stop the pattern. I know how to say no now if I notice I am being used. I am starting to become more aware if people are putting me down (because I used to always assume they must be right & must have good motives). I have to pull away because these people are not caring friends, they are just using me to feel better about themselves.

I think what I need to do to overcome my social anxiety is to slow down. Open my eyes and look at who people really are, instead of assuming everyone is lovely & learning the hard way. There is no reason to assume nasty people are any more right than I am. They are just louder.

Thankyou for letting me vent =)

[Carefree]

I don't have any friends anymore either, and I'm only 28. I've moved around so much that I've fallen out of touch with people from my childhood, teenage years, uni days, even the ocassional friend I made from places I worked.

Now it's just me and my girlfriend who I live with. I don't even go home for Christmas anymore because I strongly dislike my dad and my mother is difficult to deal with.

For a time I was struggling to find value in myself, I found it hard to see why anyone would want to be my friend and in turn, I had begun to project this lack of worth around me.

I decided to cut that nonsense out though - I wanted my old confident self image back. I used to be a centrifugal force socially and was fearless. I would do and say as I pleased, but I was still a ncie guy that people came to for help and advice.

My esteem had taken such a beating though in my 20s that it's not been an easy road back. But it is coming back. And in the past few months I find my peers respecting me again. They're cautious of me, they see my value. I even had a guy I met at the gym a few times invite me out with some of his mates on a couple of ocassions.


For me, the friendship thing as I see it now, can or cannot happen. It's luck if you meet people you click with. But what you can and must do now is work on finding the best of yourself. Project a confidence and value and people will gravitate towards you, instead of you having to follow around after them.

Think back to when you were a kid. No one wanted to play with the weird kid. Everyone wanted to be in the cool group.

That's sad, but it's a fact of life that transcends youth. People still want to be friends with people who add value to their lives. The values may of course be different to all of us.