Ronan23
11-01-15, 18:51
I'm on the verge of breaking down. Every day is a constant battle against my thoughts and one that I am losing. I'm always worrying, always on the verge of panic. I'm tired and depressed from it. I can't enjoy my life.
I can't have a cup of coffee without obsessing over my breathing and becoming panicky. I am too anxious to go to the gym when it is busy as I think everyone is watching me. I worry about dropping dead for no reason every single day. I worry that I will suddenly stop breathing. I can't make small talk with people because I get too uncomfortable and awkward in social situations. I can't go out and have a few drinks and social smokes without feeling the need to take a xanax the next day to cope with the increased anxiety.
I've tried SSRI's and hated them. I've tried benzodiazepines but I don't want to be addicted to them so I only take when i'm in panic attack mode after drinking. I'm trying meditation and it's making me obsess over my breathing even more, as in I'm in constant focus on my breath when doing every day things like watching tv.
I've got good things going for me as in I consider myself intelligent, have a highly regarded college degree, I've travelled solo to the other side of the world, i'm only 24 and my parents love me. But i'm on the verge of losing hope of ever knowing what it feels like to be normal.
I remember from a young age that I was always anxious. Afraid my house would burn down, or get robbed. Afraid to join a football team because everyone will judge me. But at least back then it was at manageable levels. It's just spiraling out of control for me now.
I'm also stuck in a negative mindset. Every time I slip up in trying to beat anxiety I am very harsh on myself. I am constantly posting on the internet looking for reassurances about decisions I am making in life. I'm always on facebook comparing my life to others, how they have more friends, how they look happier, how they most likely aren't stuck in a constant internal battle with their thoughts.
I keep thinking, even if I beat anxiety, I'll have to cut a lot of things. out of my life. Things that are enjoyable yet trigger further anxiety such as a cup of coffee, a long night of drinking with friends. Most normal people can enjoy these things but I can't without feeling the repercussions.
I'm just thinking, is there a way out of this? I've already missed out on a shitload of things in life due to my anxiety. How many days have I been stuck in anxious/depressed mode instead of just enjoying my day. I'd say 90% of the last 2 years I've been stuck in this mindset. I'm not sure what advice i'm looking for except, am I screwed? Is there any hope?
I can't have a cup of coffee without obsessing over my breathing and becoming panicky. I am too anxious to go to the gym when it is busy as I think everyone is watching me. I worry about dropping dead for no reason every single day. I worry that I will suddenly stop breathing. I can't make small talk with people because I get too uncomfortable and awkward in social situations. I can't go out and have a few drinks and social smokes without feeling the need to take a xanax the next day to cope with the increased anxiety.
I've tried SSRI's and hated them. I've tried benzodiazepines but I don't want to be addicted to them so I only take when i'm in panic attack mode after drinking. I'm trying meditation and it's making me obsess over my breathing even more, as in I'm in constant focus on my breath when doing every day things like watching tv.
I've got good things going for me as in I consider myself intelligent, have a highly regarded college degree, I've travelled solo to the other side of the world, i'm only 24 and my parents love me. But i'm on the verge of losing hope of ever knowing what it feels like to be normal.
I remember from a young age that I was always anxious. Afraid my house would burn down, or get robbed. Afraid to join a football team because everyone will judge me. But at least back then it was at manageable levels. It's just spiraling out of control for me now.
I'm also stuck in a negative mindset. Every time I slip up in trying to beat anxiety I am very harsh on myself. I am constantly posting on the internet looking for reassurances about decisions I am making in life. I'm always on facebook comparing my life to others, how they have more friends, how they look happier, how they most likely aren't stuck in a constant internal battle with their thoughts.
I keep thinking, even if I beat anxiety, I'll have to cut a lot of things. out of my life. Things that are enjoyable yet trigger further anxiety such as a cup of coffee, a long night of drinking with friends. Most normal people can enjoy these things but I can't without feeling the repercussions.
I'm just thinking, is there a way out of this? I've already missed out on a shitload of things in life due to my anxiety. How many days have I been stuck in anxious/depressed mode instead of just enjoying my day. I'd say 90% of the last 2 years I've been stuck in this mindset. I'm not sure what advice i'm looking for except, am I screwed? Is there any hope?