Out of control

[PanickyPolly]

I feel hated now and like people are plotting to kill me. The other day I sat here crying as I was convinced my neighbour was trying to poison me. There's also a woman in the local library I feel hates me and wants me to die. I think if I did die no one would notice as there is no one around. My OCD is out of control, self harm out of control and am often contemplating suicide. I hate myself so much it hurts. I hear voices and I have a feeling that I want to bash my skull in so my brain can breath. Mood swings are worse and yesterday someone told me that it's all in my head and I should get out more. Made me so angry. I can't even get aroused sexually. I haven't been sexually abused so I have no idea whay this is. I wonder if its a part of OCD as I might be stopping myself from getting aroused as I can feel a twinge but then I think no stop then I can't get any further. I want to but I can't. That makes me worse too...triggers self harm and depression but then again anything triggers it...critisism, rejection, insensitive remarks, anything. Have a years wait to see a sex therapist and four months to see shrink. in the meantime am dying.

[ceecee]

hi pp,i,m sorry that you feel like this,i just wish there was something more i could say that would help.is there any way your doc could rush your referral through?
take care and hang in there things will get better
rach x

[eeyorelover]

Hiya Hun,
I am so sorry that you are feeling so bad right now!!!!
You really should get ahold of your doc and see what he can do!

People that haven't gone thru what we have sometimes make remarks like that and all we can do is realize they don't know what the hell they are talking about - lol

As far as the arousal problem. It could just be because you are so tense. It's impossible to be in the mood if you are always waiting for the world to cave in on you. That could be why you feel the need to stop things before they go any further.

Sending ((((((BIG HUGS)))))) your way!!!
I know it's not much hun and I'm sorry that I say anything that will make it go away!!! Just know that you have friends here that you can talk to day or night when you need to!!!!

xxx
Sandy

[bb01234]

Hello PanickyPolly, it's good to talk.

It feels like you are getting to the edge of your limits and it's so unfair that someone gets pushed that far.

It doesn't have to be that you were sexually abused because your not able to get aroused. Crikey! With all that stuff going on around you and in your head I'm surprised it even comes into your head.

What can happen is something, perhaps little, perhaps big, perhaps once, perhaps many times, happend for you or for someone important to you, years back when you were a kid.

That ain't right but I'd guess that it is so.

That stuff is sitting there in the back of your head like in a big cannibals cauldron. Bubbling up on a fire, full of all those bad memories from then.

Some are real, some are made up, some are might have happends, some are wished it hadn't happends and some are wished it had happends.

And the lids on very tight, nearly totally tight.

And every so often it jiggles a bit and whatever comes out smacks you straight between the eyes.

Sometimes its OCD, other times its self harm, othertimes its voices.

The snag is the tighter the lid gets kept on the cauldron the hotter the flames burn.

Trust me, there will be a way, a safe way for a little girl to summon up the strength to push over the cauldron and tip out all the old, decayed, unwanted stuff.

THIS TIME, she won't be on her own, afraid and scared, will she? NO. She has you, the adult you, to help her this time.

Gone, forever.

That will happen for you.

Speak soon.

brian

[bb01234]

Panicky Polly, I just noticed another post you'd made on another topice

"Was abused badly by parents and extended family. Also my children in two different schools. Abuse continues into adulthood. Got rejected so many times I can't remember. "

Really, don't understimate the effects of anything and everything in our childhood.

Abuse does not automatically = sexual abuse.

Rejection can hurt big time

brian

[manmoor]

Hello Polly,

Big Hugs for you ((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Take Care

Mandyxx

[PanickyPolly]

Well I spoke to a private therapist today recommended to me by an NHS therpaist who couldn't take me on. She charges £65 per hour yikes. But she specialises in BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) which is what my CPN wanted for me. This is looking like my only option. I could go back to my GP and explain I'm suicidal but if I get critisised or if she looks at me funny or if I feel Im being a nuisance that would be enough for me to harm myself. My GP is reluctant to do that anyway as I tend to either withdraw into a shell or act out if I don't get a response from someone. It's like a lose lose situation. I'm getting an NHS assessment as well but am on the waiting list for that and I might not get therapy after that. From what I've heard if I even get to see a psychiatrist as an emergency I'll be assessed then sent on my way with no follow up. That will make me feel rejected and self harm or become more suicidal. This has happened to my mum and other peeps I know. Doesn't seem to matter that I have been suicidal or that there's serious mental illnesses in the family and that I was abused as a kid.

Strange day today. On a massive high this morning then down with a bump this evening terrified everyone is plotting to kill me.