coolsup22
15-01-15, 02:30
Hello,
I have a very important question: I'm in my mid twenties old right now. I started to masturbate when I was 12, and then at the age of 14 I promised myself to stop. Since 15 I have never done it till what i describe below.
However, more problems arose. During that period of masturbation I was promising myself and swearing not to masturbate since I thought it can influence my health and my achievements. Basically I was thinking it's really bad and I stopped. But since then I started to have erections with pre-ejaculate. I would see it when I was aroused or was in the bathroom. All of this things combined with the idea that masturbation is really bad for my health and that it's a sin. It made me afraid of pre-ejaculate or erections.
If I saw pre-ejaculate or had an erection, I started to blame myself. I thought that if I did something before it, such as read a book, that now I can't do it. Basically, I was really nervous about such things like erection or pre-ejaculate from both spiritual and mental viewpoints.
That was before I was 17. After that I still had that problem but I also started to have daily ejaculations during arousal. It was really terrible. Once it happened I would go into a depression for six months and feel that I was less developed, weaker, and lost everything I had before.
This continued until I turned 20. Now I have another problem. In terms of pre-ejaculate, I developed my own psychological treatment of the problem: as long as I have a wet dream after pre-cum, I become normal again since actual sperm includes pre-cum and wet dream will happen anyway given that I don't masturbate. But now I can't treat the problem of pre-cum and erections with wet dreams. Now if I feel pre-cum on my underwear the effect is the same as in terms of real masturbation or ejaculation - I start blaming myself for hours and days, feel that I lost everything I had before. I feel that I can't do the stuff I could do before. I go into depression, can't wake up in the morning, because I'm blaming myself all the time.
It could happen like this: I was barely aroused and felt pre-cum on my underwear when I was in the bathroom in the morning and since that time I'm blaming myself and can't stop, I can't do anything - only blame myself and that is it. I have the same feeling as before.
After that I started to have some issues like waking up at night horny and rubbing against the mattress.
This made me once to masturbate during sleep to the full orgasm. Next day I was still aroused, bought coconut oil and started to play with myself and had some leak - i got desperate and finished it to the end. I did it several times again during the next few days. But then stopped masturbating for 5 weeks.
I thought I could abstain and control myself but then I started playing with myself and edging a little using coconut oil again. Even though I knew from previous experience that this might suddenly cause a leak and make me masturbate I still was allowing myself to do playing with penis - like i would get naked and start rubbing against the pillow with a towel full of coconut oil on it.
In some cases I was lucky and nothing happened but then eventually leak happened. This made me anxious and I finished it to the end. After that I have a period of completely loosing control over myself - i might masturbate once/twice a day for 3-4 days in a row.
I would regret about breaking abstaining since
1) During these 5 weeks of abstaining I accepted myself the way I am and didn't have any issues about masturbating (it took me 3 weeks to become normal - during these 3 weeks I was blaming myself for buying coconut oil and not being able to control myself from edging)
2) I already had this type of situation once (what was initial trigger to make me masturbate after 11 years) and didn't learn anything from it - like using coconut oil can cause leaks and make me masturbate. I still kept coconut oil in my place and didn't throw it away after masturbating 5 weeks ago.
It brought a lot of fight with myself into me. But then i somehow accepted masturbating once a day as a normal and had may be 3-4 months of happy normal life without any anxieties. But the the new problem appeared.
I was usually masturbating around 11 pm at night since it was convenient.
But once I did MB at around 9pm which was earlier than my scheduled time of 10 pm or later.
Because of this I got anxious for a week or so and then decided to solve anxiety the following way:
I masturbate slightly after 7 pm - so that it will patch my previous anxiety but at the same time I won't feel anxious about going earlier than usual schedule of 10 pm since this masturbation event was necessary to prevent myself from anxiety. But then I couldn't hold myself and did it around 6.30 pm which gave me new anxiety (previous anxiety about 9 disappeared). I got so anxious and couldn't hold myself and did start edging after may be an hour or so - then I stopped edging because I was feeling I can do it twice and that can give me more anxiety. But then during next couple of hours I got anxious for edging and not finishing to the end which gave me new anxiety on top of the current one - so I went on and finished it off not to the full orgasm without any semi-edgings and stuff. That gave me now new anxiety for finishing it off, and two current anxieties - for edging and for doing it at 6 instead of 7 continued. It was on Friday.
Next morning on Saturday I woke up and was so anxious and lost - like i thought i finally solved my issue with masturbation and could manage it - but really I can't do it. I did MB that same morning in bed again.
On Sunday I was bored and depressed because of feeling that i lost everything and was blaming myself for lack of self-control - basically the same anxious thoughts that i had when experiencing pre-cum/erection a year ago (during 10 years since i stopped masturbating) came back. So it was already afternoon, I couldn't hold myself, partially because I was feeling everything is lost anyway, and masturbated again. Then I was sleeping during afternoon to just get rid of these anxieties for some time. So I woke up around 9 pm and was feeling anxious for the stuff happened - i went for a ride to at least somehow patch my anxieties but couldn't - they were coming back again and again. So when i was back home around 12 - i did masturbate again. i think i did it out of desperation.
Then I was feeling anxious for the whole week again - the level of anxiety was so high and debilitating that i was staying home and didn't want to do anything, didn't want to go to the library/school to do work/studies cause i was experiencing such a high mental pain inside. It's like mental self-beating.
I could manage my masturbation compulsion to once a day at night like I was usually doing . But Monday this week I woke up and was feeling anxious again - so i just went on finished it off in my bed again - then i just stayed in my place and didn't go to the library cause the level of anxiety was continuing to be high. Then I did masturbate during noon time again.
The level of mental pain is so high that i can't do any work. i don't enjoy any single thing in life. i just continue to mentally beat and criticize myself for not following the schedule, for not being able to control myself, for doing it twice a day, for not having 21-24 hour interval between episodes of masturbation, for not doing it at night. I am also beating myself for edging that Friday night, like i say:'' why did you edged and stopped, should have just finished it off to the end since you already started it - now it's like 3 times a day but could have been only two which you already did once (i already had such period of doing it twice a day for a week over last summer when starting to do it - I was battling with my self for not being able to abstain and not accepting masturbation).
I then try to somehow rationalize all my masturbation mistakes. Like everything that happened after edging on Friday - basically Saturday morning, Sunday afternoon and night, this week Monday morning and noon masturbations happened because i was desperate and was seeking some way to get rid of all of these anxieties which was just go and masturbate. Plus when i was suffering anxieties last spring and summer - sometimes additional masturbation could solve anxious/obsessive thoughts about previous masturbation mistakes (basically clear my head) - so may be my body has developed some form of protective mechanism: that when i enter this anxious state related to masturbation (more like something went not the way main routine/belief makes it to supposedly be) - it just makes me to masturbate more to relief current anxiety since it instinctively thinks based on past experience. This might lead to the compulsive masturbation that was essentially forming the root of everything that happened after edging on Friday - basically Saturday morning, Sunday afternoon and night, this week Monday morning and noon.
Now regarding the first half of anxiety - when i couldn't hold myself before doing it at 9,45 instead of as scheduled at 10; doing it at 6,30 instead of as scheduled at 7 and doing edging after violating the scheduled thing of 7 (basically doing it like 1.5 times) - i just try to accept that i made a mistake, that i thought i solved my anxieties and could manage my timing but really couldn't - this just makes me temporarily stop the anxiety - but mostly cause i just try to explain myself what happened - but then it comes back - basically in 5-10 min.
I am anxious basically everyday for the last month - like i don't want to do any work, i lost self-esteem, i feel not confident when doing things, i am scared of the future. Last night i got so anxious that I had a panic attack where i was basically almost punching my head and blaming myself for being so stupid, disorganized, lacking self-control - i was feeling everything is lost.
It is also the case that it is some general anxiety that just moves from one trigger to another:
1) pre-cum with ability to patch anxiety using wet dream in high school
2) wet dream during the day after being aroused in college
3) pre-cum without ability to use wet dream as a tool to forget the anxiety
4) anxiety for starting to masturbate and doing it twice/several days in a row last spring
5) anxiety for not being able to abstain from masturbating late spring and early summer last year
6) anxiety for doing it twice several days in a row last summer and this winter
7) anxiety for doing it earlier than scheduled (if there is less than 22-24 hours in between or it's earlier than 10 pm, once it was cause i made it at 3 am - but that anxiety was mild one - like it went away after a day or so)
I don't know why some anxieties disappear and how new ones appear and what makes me to subconsciously decide what can be new anxiety and what can't, and why things that were anxieties previously are no longer anxieties.
It is also interesting that in all of these 7 cases my inside anxious feeling are exactly the same (extremely mentally debilitating) despite that triggers are different. But overall feeling is what I described above.
What can it be? Is it a mental disorder?
Like i have some other anxieties but they eventually disappear - but this one (independently of the trigger) is by far the strongest and the longest. I can't wake up due to it and just generally can't enjoy my life.
---------- Post added 15-01-15 at 02:30 ---------- Previous post was 14-01-15 at 22:36 ----------
Also i have the following issues on top of the above:
I am afraid of power lines since I think they might transmit electromagnetic energy that will kill my brain cells. This makes me to always avoid them. If I somehow walk under then in brings a lot of anxiety into me. I can't do any work and can't focus. I just blame myself for not being able to control myself not to go under them.
I am afraid to pump gas into my car since when you pump gas it kills your brain cells and you become stupid and this destroys your intellectual ability. After pumping gas or smelling fumes I again blame myself for smelling it and feel depressed and anxious about it since I think it made me stupid.
Also I am afraid of smells of Lysol or some other washing chemicals since they can make me intellectually weak. Also when I remember the episode I my life when I smelled Lysol it brings anxiety into me and I feel I don't want to do anything. My head is just occupied with these anxieties and blamings of myself.
I also don't put the phone next to me when I talk since I am afraid of cellular activity.
Also I freak when I am next to wifi router since it it transmits wifi which is electromagnetic.
I was also afraid to study in the area with camera since it's also dangerous for intellect and brain . I don't eve use video on Skype when making calls. Like i was afraid to sit in the coffee shop since there are video cameras and then i would be anxious at least a day after this.
I was even afraid to walk on the street due to gas fumes from cars passing by. I am afraid to open the window in the car due to this.
I am also afraid to listen to the radio since i feel radio waves make me dumber. also i am afraid of somebody taking pictures of me - it would cause me anxiety since i think it destroys my intellect.
please smbd reply!
I have a very important question: I'm in my mid twenties old right now. I started to masturbate when I was 12, and then at the age of 14 I promised myself to stop. Since 15 I have never done it till what i describe below.
However, more problems arose. During that period of masturbation I was promising myself and swearing not to masturbate since I thought it can influence my health and my achievements. Basically I was thinking it's really bad and I stopped. But since then I started to have erections with pre-ejaculate. I would see it when I was aroused or was in the bathroom. All of this things combined with the idea that masturbation is really bad for my health and that it's a sin. It made me afraid of pre-ejaculate or erections.
If I saw pre-ejaculate or had an erection, I started to blame myself. I thought that if I did something before it, such as read a book, that now I can't do it. Basically, I was really nervous about such things like erection or pre-ejaculate from both spiritual and mental viewpoints.
That was before I was 17. After that I still had that problem but I also started to have daily ejaculations during arousal. It was really terrible. Once it happened I would go into a depression for six months and feel that I was less developed, weaker, and lost everything I had before.
This continued until I turned 20. Now I have another problem. In terms of pre-ejaculate, I developed my own psychological treatment of the problem: as long as I have a wet dream after pre-cum, I become normal again since actual sperm includes pre-cum and wet dream will happen anyway given that I don't masturbate. But now I can't treat the problem of pre-cum and erections with wet dreams. Now if I feel pre-cum on my underwear the effect is the same as in terms of real masturbation or ejaculation - I start blaming myself for hours and days, feel that I lost everything I had before. I feel that I can't do the stuff I could do before. I go into depression, can't wake up in the morning, because I'm blaming myself all the time.
It could happen like this: I was barely aroused and felt pre-cum on my underwear when I was in the bathroom in the morning and since that time I'm blaming myself and can't stop, I can't do anything - only blame myself and that is it. I have the same feeling as before.
After that I started to have some issues like waking up at night horny and rubbing against the mattress.
This made me once to masturbate during sleep to the full orgasm. Next day I was still aroused, bought coconut oil and started to play with myself and had some leak - i got desperate and finished it to the end. I did it several times again during the next few days. But then stopped masturbating for 5 weeks.
I thought I could abstain and control myself but then I started playing with myself and edging a little using coconut oil again. Even though I knew from previous experience that this might suddenly cause a leak and make me masturbate I still was allowing myself to do playing with penis - like i would get naked and start rubbing against the pillow with a towel full of coconut oil on it.
In some cases I was lucky and nothing happened but then eventually leak happened. This made me anxious and I finished it to the end. After that I have a period of completely loosing control over myself - i might masturbate once/twice a day for 3-4 days in a row.
I would regret about breaking abstaining since
1) During these 5 weeks of abstaining I accepted myself the way I am and didn't have any issues about masturbating (it took me 3 weeks to become normal - during these 3 weeks I was blaming myself for buying coconut oil and not being able to control myself from edging)
2) I already had this type of situation once (what was initial trigger to make me masturbate after 11 years) and didn't learn anything from it - like using coconut oil can cause leaks and make me masturbate. I still kept coconut oil in my place and didn't throw it away after masturbating 5 weeks ago.
It brought a lot of fight with myself into me. But then i somehow accepted masturbating once a day as a normal and had may be 3-4 months of happy normal life without any anxieties. But the the new problem appeared.
I was usually masturbating around 11 pm at night since it was convenient.
But once I did MB at around 9pm which was earlier than my scheduled time of 10 pm or later.
Because of this I got anxious for a week or so and then decided to solve anxiety the following way:
I masturbate slightly after 7 pm - so that it will patch my previous anxiety but at the same time I won't feel anxious about going earlier than usual schedule of 10 pm since this masturbation event was necessary to prevent myself from anxiety. But then I couldn't hold myself and did it around 6.30 pm which gave me new anxiety (previous anxiety about 9 disappeared). I got so anxious and couldn't hold myself and did start edging after may be an hour or so - then I stopped edging because I was feeling I can do it twice and that can give me more anxiety. But then during next couple of hours I got anxious for edging and not finishing to the end which gave me new anxiety on top of the current one - so I went on and finished it off not to the full orgasm without any semi-edgings and stuff. That gave me now new anxiety for finishing it off, and two current anxieties - for edging and for doing it at 6 instead of 7 continued. It was on Friday.
Next morning on Saturday I woke up and was so anxious and lost - like i thought i finally solved my issue with masturbation and could manage it - but really I can't do it. I did MB that same morning in bed again.
On Sunday I was bored and depressed because of feeling that i lost everything and was blaming myself for lack of self-control - basically the same anxious thoughts that i had when experiencing pre-cum/erection a year ago (during 10 years since i stopped masturbating) came back. So it was already afternoon, I couldn't hold myself, partially because I was feeling everything is lost anyway, and masturbated again. Then I was sleeping during afternoon to just get rid of these anxieties for some time. So I woke up around 9 pm and was feeling anxious for the stuff happened - i went for a ride to at least somehow patch my anxieties but couldn't - they were coming back again and again. So when i was back home around 12 - i did masturbate again. i think i did it out of desperation.
Then I was feeling anxious for the whole week again - the level of anxiety was so high and debilitating that i was staying home and didn't want to do anything, didn't want to go to the library/school to do work/studies cause i was experiencing such a high mental pain inside. It's like mental self-beating.
I could manage my masturbation compulsion to once a day at night like I was usually doing . But Monday this week I woke up and was feeling anxious again - so i just went on finished it off in my bed again - then i just stayed in my place and didn't go to the library cause the level of anxiety was continuing to be high. Then I did masturbate during noon time again.
The level of mental pain is so high that i can't do any work. i don't enjoy any single thing in life. i just continue to mentally beat and criticize myself for not following the schedule, for not being able to control myself, for doing it twice a day, for not having 21-24 hour interval between episodes of masturbation, for not doing it at night. I am also beating myself for edging that Friday night, like i say:'' why did you edged and stopped, should have just finished it off to the end since you already started it - now it's like 3 times a day but could have been only two which you already did once (i already had such period of doing it twice a day for a week over last summer when starting to do it - I was battling with my self for not being able to abstain and not accepting masturbation).
I then try to somehow rationalize all my masturbation mistakes. Like everything that happened after edging on Friday - basically Saturday morning, Sunday afternoon and night, this week Monday morning and noon masturbations happened because i was desperate and was seeking some way to get rid of all of these anxieties which was just go and masturbate. Plus when i was suffering anxieties last spring and summer - sometimes additional masturbation could solve anxious/obsessive thoughts about previous masturbation mistakes (basically clear my head) - so may be my body has developed some form of protective mechanism: that when i enter this anxious state related to masturbation (more like something went not the way main routine/belief makes it to supposedly be) - it just makes me to masturbate more to relief current anxiety since it instinctively thinks based on past experience. This might lead to the compulsive masturbation that was essentially forming the root of everything that happened after edging on Friday - basically Saturday morning, Sunday afternoon and night, this week Monday morning and noon.
Now regarding the first half of anxiety - when i couldn't hold myself before doing it at 9,45 instead of as scheduled at 10; doing it at 6,30 instead of as scheduled at 7 and doing edging after violating the scheduled thing of 7 (basically doing it like 1.5 times) - i just try to accept that i made a mistake, that i thought i solved my anxieties and could manage my timing but really couldn't - this just makes me temporarily stop the anxiety - but mostly cause i just try to explain myself what happened - but then it comes back - basically in 5-10 min.
I am anxious basically everyday for the last month - like i don't want to do any work, i lost self-esteem, i feel not confident when doing things, i am scared of the future. Last night i got so anxious that I had a panic attack where i was basically almost punching my head and blaming myself for being so stupid, disorganized, lacking self-control - i was feeling everything is lost.
It is also the case that it is some general anxiety that just moves from one trigger to another:
1) pre-cum with ability to patch anxiety using wet dream in high school
2) wet dream during the day after being aroused in college
3) pre-cum without ability to use wet dream as a tool to forget the anxiety
4) anxiety for starting to masturbate and doing it twice/several days in a row last spring
5) anxiety for not being able to abstain from masturbating late spring and early summer last year
6) anxiety for doing it twice several days in a row last summer and this winter
7) anxiety for doing it earlier than scheduled (if there is less than 22-24 hours in between or it's earlier than 10 pm, once it was cause i made it at 3 am - but that anxiety was mild one - like it went away after a day or so)
I don't know why some anxieties disappear and how new ones appear and what makes me to subconsciously decide what can be new anxiety and what can't, and why things that were anxieties previously are no longer anxieties.
It is also interesting that in all of these 7 cases my inside anxious feeling are exactly the same (extremely mentally debilitating) despite that triggers are different. But overall feeling is what I described above.
What can it be? Is it a mental disorder?
Like i have some other anxieties but they eventually disappear - but this one (independently of the trigger) is by far the strongest and the longest. I can't wake up due to it and just generally can't enjoy my life.
---------- Post added 15-01-15 at 02:30 ---------- Previous post was 14-01-15 at 22:36 ----------
Also i have the following issues on top of the above:
I am afraid of power lines since I think they might transmit electromagnetic energy that will kill my brain cells. This makes me to always avoid them. If I somehow walk under then in brings a lot of anxiety into me. I can't do any work and can't focus. I just blame myself for not being able to control myself not to go under them.
I am afraid to pump gas into my car since when you pump gas it kills your brain cells and you become stupid and this destroys your intellectual ability. After pumping gas or smelling fumes I again blame myself for smelling it and feel depressed and anxious about it since I think it made me stupid.
Also I am afraid of smells of Lysol or some other washing chemicals since they can make me intellectually weak. Also when I remember the episode I my life when I smelled Lysol it brings anxiety into me and I feel I don't want to do anything. My head is just occupied with these anxieties and blamings of myself.
I also don't put the phone next to me when I talk since I am afraid of cellular activity.
Also I freak when I am next to wifi router since it it transmits wifi which is electromagnetic.
I was also afraid to study in the area with camera since it's also dangerous for intellect and brain . I don't eve use video on Skype when making calls. Like i was afraid to sit in the coffee shop since there are video cameras and then i would be anxious at least a day after this.
I was even afraid to walk on the street due to gas fumes from cars passing by. I am afraid to open the window in the car due to this.
I am also afraid to listen to the radio since i feel radio waves make me dumber. also i am afraid of somebody taking pictures of me - it would cause me anxiety since i think it destroys my intellect.
please smbd reply!