Fear of Bipolar/Schiz

[superjonboy]

I'm 33 now and this is a bit about my Anxiety/Health Anxiety over the years.

I was diagnosed with Health Anxiety quite a few years back and my fears have always centred around 'going mad'. I think his all stems from being stupid when I was younger and taking drugs.

When I was 19/20 I took Exstacy a few times and LSD a couple of times. I had smoked cannabis quite heavily since 16. The first major episode of anxiety I had was when I took that LSD the first time. I completely lost it. Thought I was losing my mind. It was like major panic attacks/anxiety and hallucinations for 2 days. I eventually came out of it and was back to fairly normal 19/20 year old activities - drinking, having fun and still smoking cannabis. During this period I kind of dropped out of college and didn't finish my diploma and only managed an E in an A level I was doing. I was working for my dad at the time which gave me money for going out e.t.c.

Later that year I decided to do LSD again (idiot) again it was horrible, I thought I was going mad but after 2 days I snapped out of it and was back to normal. Sometime later that year I smoked some really strong cannabis (skunk) from Amsterdam and it made me hallucinate a little bit but this kicked off massive panic attacks. At the time I thought I was going completely mad and I had made myself this way with the drugs.

I kept getting panic attacks but I didn't believe that's what they were I thought it was 100% due to the drugs and I was going crazy. I went to see my GP and he put me on Citalopram (2000). He never said - you've got Anxiety or you've got Depression, just gave me the Citalopram. I took it, stopped drinking and smoking weed and felt a lot better. I was still pretty withdrawn but to be fair up until I was 18 I'd never really been one for going out much anyway. I also remember during this period I became obsessed with my food becoming spiked with LSD. Like if it was a takeaway or from Mcdonalds.

As I was getting better I got a job working in a factory and was doing a lot better. I also met (on the internet) my first really serious relationship. She was from London which meant we took it I turns to get the train each weekend. I was really happy, things were pretty good but I didn't really like going out. I got a promotion at work and things were going well with the girlfriend. I was also doing stuff with my band and also learning about computer programming.

My girlfriend moved up North so we were together and things were pretty good. I passed my driving test but then the next day had a bad accident where I crashed the car into a wall. Conditions were really bad and I was inexperienced and probably going too fast. Lost control of the car and we were pretty lucky. I broke my knee cap and my girlfriend broke her collarbone. We both had quite a bit of time off work but despite out injuries were happy.

Not long after this my girlfriend moved back to London. I was gutted but then decided I would move to London and work part time in and also go to Uni. This was now 2003. Things started off really well. I got into Uni on a computing degree and then got a job working for Ladbrokes bookmakers. This all started pretty well but my Anxiety started to creep up during this time. I was with a new GP in London and they increased my Citalopram dosage. I felt terrible and had to have some time off work. I got through it though and completed my first year at Uni doing quite well.

I then got into gambling. Probably through working in that environment. I kept losing quite a bit of money and was often skint. I was gambling online and losing quite a bit of money. My girlfriend was obviously really angry.

Then in 2005 my Gran died which I took pretty bad. I went up home for a week and then came back down to London. I then got robbed at gunpoint in the bookies and there was also a drive by shooting at the end of my street. I decided I couldn't continue down there anymore and went back home to my parents. I got a transfer to a Ladbrokes I Leeds and also started college in the September. Things were really good. I came off Citalopram.

I took out a loan with Nationwide at this time to consoliate my finances and I ended up gambling and losing about £1000. I knew it was wrong but this makes me feel I could have been manic at that time.

I left Ladbrokes and got a job doing some part time courier work before ending up back at the factory where I had worked previously. This fit in really well with college as it was 6 - 10pm shift. I thought things were going really well and despite having bits of anxiety over the past few years I was pretty much living my life. Id even drunk Alcohol for the first time in years. Around this time my dad found out he had Hepititus C which was a big scare for us all and we had to be tested. Then in January I was at work and I noticed some pains in my head. I was focusing on them and all of a sudden I went really really light headed and thought I was going to collapse. I was scared about brain haemoraghes at this time. A few of my uncles had died from them and my dad had been tested.

This set off a period of intense anxiety. I didn't believe what doctors were telling me I was convinced I was going mad. I didn't sleep for days and was in a terrible state. My old GP then put me back on citalopram and after a while I was back feeling better. My girlfriend then broke up with me and I was down for a while. I also started therapy around this time which was CBT. This definitely helped bu I think most of the time I was seeking reassurance that I wasn't bipolar or schizophrenic or that I wasn't developing those illnesses.

I was working for my dad and my uncle and after a while started going through a few relationships. During this period I met my wife to be. We were texting and talking on the computer a lot and I was really happy. I did manage to get back to College and finished my 1st year doing really well also and I went back to work at Ladbrokes which I could fit in around my college.

Around this time I took out a loan and some credit cards. I was betting heavily and lost quite a bit of money. I took out a loan to clear everything and also bought a new car with it. I knew the gambling was wrong but it was definitely a bit of addiction.

Things were now really really good coming up to Christmas 2006. I was really happy and proposed to my wife. It was quite soon but I just knew. Around this time I also came back off the Citalopram. I was working, doing college and spending all my free time with my wife to be.

Then in March 2007 I went downhill again. I was focusing on my health and really went backwards. I dropped out of college and stopped working. This kicked off a bad period when I didn't really work properly from 2007 - 2010 apart from bits of work with my Dad and my Uncle. I went on Disability. I got married in April 2008 which was brilliant but I was finding it hard and kept thinking I was bipolar or schizophrenic. I also started back in therapy with CBT but this time it didn't work. I was referred to other therapy and courses but nothing really seemed to work. I was on benefits and also doing a little bit of permitted work teaching guitar. I did feel better most of the time but when it came to trying to work or going out places I had severe anxiety. I was doing a bit of fishing at this time which I enjoyed.

My wife and I were living at my parents but in April 2010 we decided to move out to our own house. I was also now under the care of the consultant psychiatrist. She again reassured me I wasn't bipolar or schizophrenic. She wanted me to come off Citalopram and go on to Sertraline. After the initial switch over I did start to feel much better. I was doing quite a few guitar lessons and was really getting into my fishing.

Unfortunately I did have periods of gambling where I lost money. I took out a few Wonga loans and also a provident one. I did win quite a lot of money at one time and spent most of it on fishing tackle. Carp fishing really started to bring me out of the anxiety and depression and I was doing miles better. I was making new friends and getting out and doing things.

In January 2012 I started a new job as a web developer for a fishing bait company. It was really difficult at first but I managed to stay there for over a year until I was made redundant in September 2013. I then carried on doing guitar lessons and freelance web development and things were as good as they have been for years. I came off medication in July 2014 and that kind of brings me to where I am now. I'd been doing really well getting lots of work and earning a decent amount. Things were good until first week in January I became very deflated and down and since then I've gone down hill and all the old worries of bipolar and schizophrenia are coming back. I've felt very very anxious e.t.c.

I thought that since I went on Sertraline and was doing better that was it, I'd finally conquered my problems.

I've started back on Sertraline now but at the minute feel unable to work again or get myself going.

I've written this out to look at some of the issues in my past that I think could be a manic phase like the moving from job to job, taking out loans and gambling and then the quick relationships and how quickly I married my wife. We are still together and I love her to bits so I don't regret it at all.

If you've read through to this point - thank you. Do you think this coud be misdiagnosed bipolar?

---------- Post added at 17:15 ---------- Previous post was at 15:38 ----------

I know its a long read but would really appreciate it if anyone could shed light on my experiences.

Are they just the normal ups and downs of life and anxiety depression or does the car crash, gambling, loans, job changes, relationships sound like they could be bipolar?

[Fishmanpa]

Interesting read Jboy,

As simple as this sounds, if you think you're going crazy, you're not. When you're in a true psychosis, you don't realize that you're out of sorts.

I had a bad reaction to steroids while on chemo and it caused that to happen to me. Apparently to me, everything was normal. To everyone else, I was losing it. I kind of have a recollection of a couple things I did but pretty much amnesia of everything else for a period of 2-3 days.

You have had some trials and tribulations and frankly, we all do. As much as our experiences may differ, in many ways, they make us who and what we are and we're all similar in that aspect. As long as you have a grasp on the results of your actions and take measures to improve and heal.

As far as bipolar? Only a mental health professional can assess and diagnose that. I knew a couple people who were bipolar and had papers to prove it. They were aware of their actions and mood swings. Wanted to add.... When I say mood swings it was like hyper, wired, busy, happy for a few days and then in a day, depressed, tired, irritable, angry. Very difficult to deal with....

Positive thoughts

[superjonboy]

Thanks for the reply.

I've told all this to various people (doctors, psychiatrist, mental health nurses e.t.c) and they've always said just health anxiety/anxiety/bit of depression. But I know bipolar is kind of hard to diagnose.

You reckon it would have been picked up on by now?

[MrAndy]

Superjonboy if you was bipolar you would have extreme mixed States of high and low moods,you would go from euphoric to suicidal
It sounds to me like plain old anxiety you certainly haven't got schizophrenia,it's good you stopped the weed because it's terrible for mental health,I've seen some people in hospital terribly I'll from smoking dope
Are you having any therapy or counselling ?

[superjonboy]

Thanks for replying Andy.

I've had lots of counselling in the past and was under the care of the consultant psychiatrist (who said anxiety/depression).

As I got better though I think I was discharged. It was weird as I moved into a new house with my wife that was only a few miles from where my parents lived but it put me into a new area for GP's and all the mental health services.

I stopped the weed/drinking back in 2001. Basically as soon as these symptoms started.

[MrAndy]

Maybe try and get some more counselling rethink.org do some good group cbt you can self refer on the website.I got counselling within three weeks with them
If you recovered before you can again just remember that

[superjonboy]

I know this might sound weird but I'm thinking when I thought I was recovered it might have been hypomania/mania.

[MrAndy]

I honestly don't think you are bipolar anxiety can give similar symptoms
Anyhow so what if you are why would it make a difference it's only a label
I read somewhere it's not the diagnosis that matters but the treatment,this makes sense to me

[superjonboy]

I think its the fear of it then developing into psychosis.

I heard that too about the label. I guess it would allow me to get the correct treatment.

I've started trying to rationalise things using some of the stuff learned in CBT in the past. Like not everyone who gambles is manic or that plenty of people meet someone and get married soon but they aren't manic either.

I think what it stems to is that if I got the 'diagnosis' I would then get the correct treatment and everything would be perfect. Or that I feel so terrible at times it can't be anxiety or depression.

[MrAndy]

Don't underestimate how horrible anxiety can be I was admitted to hospital twice because of it,at one point I also thought I was bipolar until I met some other patients with it.Its far more extreme an illness with massive mood swings.Is it worth going back to your doctor and discussing your worries

[superjonboy]

Thanks Andy.

I'm back in the doctors tomorrow so i'll talk to her about it.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Just to add to MrAndy's earlier point on the swings, there are 2 forms of bipolar and one includes less severe swings but you need a medical professional here. Mood tracking can help to understand and manage this but you need those guys to help.

In terms of the rest, I think your thread on the depression board covers all of it as well.

[superjonboy]

Thanks Terry,

I decided to post in here as Health Anxiety is what my diagnosis is/was.

If I'm thinking rationally (not in severe anxiety/panic) I know that what I'm doing is looking at these other mental illnesses and then making them fit my situation.

Like with bipolar I'm taking things like my wreckless spending/gambling as proof of a manic or hypomanic episode but dismissing other symptoms that would be typical of the illness. So millions of people gamble but aren't mentally ill. (Just daft!)

[MyNameIsTerry]

Yeah, you need support from the HA people.

Its hard to determine, some of the mania risky behaviours can be similar to people's normal behaviour when it comes to gambling, drinking, sex, etc.

I think making things fit is something we all probably do and its good you can recognise it. I think sometimes the anxiety even makes us adopt strategies that can be destructive eg some people block it out with excessive work or exercise.

[anthrokid]

If you've spoken to a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist about your symptoms before, they would have picked up on any symptom, no matter how small, that could indicate bipolar or psychosis. Their job is to assess your mental health and that is what they do. They spend a LONG time studying these disorders, and have a LOT of experience in diagnosing them. I know it can be hard, but you need to trust your doctors, mental health professionals and nurses. It is ridiculously unlikely that they would all be wrong.

[Sunflower2]

Superjonboy I tend to have quite fluctuating mood swings (hormones) and I was worried for a while I had a milder form of bipolar as my mum thought it was that and the psych nurse I was seeing said it was a mood disorder - I googled that and thought oh my goodness! But the thing with depression is that it makes you forget what it's like to actually feel happy. When you finally do feel joy, it's like everything has opened up. The world is bright and colourful again and you can actually enjoy living. But that's the way it's meant to be!! It's just that depression sucks out the happiness we should have.

If you're still worried about the moods, I was told about mood management where you rate you mood from 1-10, and have a list of a variety of activities to either lift you or calm you down. As the name suggests, it helps you to manage your mood and become aware of when it's starting to dip and what you can do to ease it, or even save it before it goes too low.

[superjonboy]

I saw my GP yesterday afternoon and told her my fears. She asked me to tell her when I thought I'd been manic so I explained about the gambling/wreckless spending. She also asked my wife if she thought I'd ever been manic.
GP didn't have any concerns and asked me to just continue getting back on sertraline.

I guess that's another thing if I was predisposed to mania then it's highly likely it would have happened in the past on sertraline or when I started back on it this time. I'm 5 days in now and just feel anxious/depressed and can't sleep.

[anthrokid]

Good to hear. Trust your GP and continue to work on what you are experiencing now rather than worrying about what you might experience later. As I've said in a previous post, the majority of people who experience psychosis or mania have their first episode in late adolescence-early adulthood.

Just to add, your story does not give me reason to consider bipolar as a diagnosis. But you've been told this by a few professionals now, you don't really need to hear it again, you just need to start believing it ;)

[superjonboy]

Thanks Anthrokid.

Do you know if people can have repeated episodes of depression/anxiety for years before having a psychotic break or would that be more likely to happen during the first stages of any depression.

To put it another way; could someone suffer from anxiety and depression for years before having a psychotic episode or, if they are predisposed to it would the stressors that triggered the depression/anxiety trigger the psychosis early on?

Thanks.

[superjonboy]

Not been a good day.

Ended up googling loads of stuff - I can't seem to stop it.

[superjonboy]

I feel like I don't know what to do with myself.

I just seem to sit on the sofa all day. I did go for a walk this morning to the shop. I don't really know why though.

I feel so lost :(

[anthrokid]

SJB, you need to stop googling and seeking confirmation of your fears. It might help calm you down for a few moments afterwards, but in the long-term it is not helping.

You have been told by multiple mental health professionals that you do not have psychosis and that the likelihood of you ever experiencing psychosis is slim. You are past the stage in your life that most people would experience their first psychotic episode. Try to keep that information in mind when you are worrying, rather than googling.

It is important to think of this in perspective. Right now you do not have psychosis - you are, however, suffering from a lot of anxiety - and the best thing to help you move past this worry is to work on the anxiety with your doctor and any other health professionals involved :)