superjonboy
15-01-15, 17:15
I'm 33 now and this is a bit about my Anxiety/Health Anxiety over the years.
I was diagnosed with Health Anxiety quite a few years back and my fears have always centred around 'going mad'. I think his all stems from being stupid when I was younger and taking drugs.
When I was 19/20 I took Exstacy a few times and LSD a couple of times. I had smoked cannabis quite heavily since 16. The first major episode of anxiety I had was when I took that LSD the first time. I completely lost it. Thought I was losing my mind. It was like major panic attacks/anxiety and hallucinations for 2 days. I eventually came out of it and was back to fairly normal 19/20 year old activities - drinking, having fun and still smoking cannabis. During this period I kind of dropped out of college and didn't finish my diploma and only managed an E in an A level I was doing. I was working for my dad at the time which gave me money for going out e.t.c.
Later that year I decided to do LSD again (idiot) again it was horrible, I thought I was going mad but after 2 days I snapped out of it and was back to normal. Sometime later that year I smoked some really strong cannabis (skunk) from Amsterdam and it made me hallucinate a little bit but this kicked off massive panic attacks. At the time I thought I was going completely mad and I had made myself this way with the drugs.
I kept getting panic attacks but I didn't believe that's what they were I thought it was 100% due to the drugs and I was going crazy. I went to see my GP and he put me on Citalopram (2000). He never said - you've got Anxiety or you've got Depression, just gave me the Citalopram. I took it, stopped drinking and smoking weed and felt a lot better. I was still pretty withdrawn but to be fair up until I was 18 I'd never really been one for going out much anyway. I also remember during this period I became obsessed with my food becoming spiked with LSD. Like if it was a takeaway or from Mcdonalds.
As I was getting better I got a job working in a factory and was doing a lot better. I also met (on the internet) my first really serious relationship. She was from London which meant we took it I turns to get the train each weekend. I was really happy, things were pretty good but I didn't really like going out. I got a promotion at work and things were going well with the girlfriend. I was also doing stuff with my band and also learning about computer programming.
My girlfriend moved up North so we were together and things were pretty good. I passed my driving test but then the next day had a bad accident where I crashed the car into a wall. Conditions were really bad and I was inexperienced and probably going too fast. Lost control of the car and we were pretty lucky. I broke my knee cap and my girlfriend broke her collarbone. We both had quite a bit of time off work but despite out injuries were happy.
Not long after this my girlfriend moved back to London. I was gutted but then decided I would move to London and work part time in and also go to Uni. This was now 2003. Things started off really well. I got into Uni on a computing degree and then got a job working for Ladbrokes bookmakers. This all started pretty well but my Anxiety started to creep up during this time. I was with a new GP in London and they increased my Citalopram dosage. I felt terrible and had to have some time off work. I got through it though and completed my first year at Uni doing quite well.
I then got into gambling. Probably through working in that environment. I kept losing quite a bit of money and was often skint. I was gambling online and losing quite a bit of money. My girlfriend was obviously really angry.
Then in 2005 my Gran died which I took pretty bad. I went up home for a week and then came back down to London. I then got robbed at gunpoint in the bookies and there was also a drive by shooting at the end of my street. I decided I couldn't continue down there anymore and went back home to my parents. I got a transfer to a Ladbrokes I Leeds and also started college in the September. Things were really good. I came off Citalopram.
I took out a loan with Nationwide at this time to consoliate my finances and I ended up gambling and losing about £1000. I knew it was wrong but this makes me feel I could have been manic at that time.
I left Ladbrokes and got a job doing some part time courier work before ending up back at the factory where I had worked previously. This fit in really well with college as it was 6 - 10pm shift. I thought things were going really well and despite having bits of anxiety over the past few years I was pretty much living my life. Id even drunk Alcohol for the first time in years. Around this time my dad found out he had Hepititus C which was a big scare for us all and we had to be tested. Then in January I was at work and I noticed some pains in my head. I was focusing on them and all of a sudden I went really really light headed and thought I was going to collapse. I was scared about brain haemoraghes at this time. A few of my uncles had died from them and my dad had been tested.
This set off a period of intense anxiety. I didn't believe what doctors were telling me I was convinced I was going mad. I didn't sleep for days and was in a terrible state. My old GP then put me back on citalopram and after a while I was back feeling better. My girlfriend then broke up with me and I was down for a while. I also started therapy around this time which was CBT. This definitely helped bu I think most of the time I was seeking reassurance that I wasn't bipolar or schizophrenic or that I wasn't developing those illnesses.
I was working for my dad and my uncle and after a while started going through a few relationships. During this period I met my wife to be. We were texting and talking on the computer a lot and I was really happy. I did manage to get back to College and finished my 1st year doing really well also and I went back to work at Ladbrokes which I could fit in around my college.
Around this time I took out a loan and some credit cards. I was betting heavily and lost quite a bit of money. I took out a loan to clear everything and also bought a new car with it. I knew the gambling was wrong but it was definitely a bit of addiction.
Things were now really really good coming up to Christmas 2006. I was really happy and proposed to my wife. It was quite soon but I just knew. Around this time I also came back off the Citalopram. I was working, doing college and spending all my free time with my wife to be.
Then in March 2007 I went downhill again. I was focusing on my health and really went backwards. I dropped out of college and stopped working. This kicked off a bad period when I didn't really work properly from 2007 - 2010 apart from bits of work with my Dad and my Uncle. I went on Disability. I got married in April 2008 which was brilliant but I was finding it hard and kept thinking I was bipolar or schizophrenic. I also started back in therapy with CBT but this time it didn't work. I was referred to other therapy and courses but nothing really seemed to work. I was on benefits and also doing a little bit of permitted work teaching guitar. I did feel better most of the time but when it came to trying to work or going out places I had severe anxiety. I was doing a bit of fishing at this time which I enjoyed.
My wife and I were living at my parents but in April 2010 we decided to move out to our own house. I was also now under the care of the consultant psychiatrist. She again reassured me I wasn't bipolar or schizophrenic. She wanted me to come off Citalopram and go on to Sertraline. After the initial switch over I did start to feel much better. I was doing quite a few guitar lessons and was really getting into my fishing.
Unfortunately I did have periods of gambling where I lost money. I took out a few Wonga loans and also a provident one. I did win quite a lot of money at one time and spent most of it on fishing tackle. Carp fishing really started to bring me out of the anxiety and depression and I was doing miles better. I was making new friends and getting out and doing things.
In January 2012 I started a new job as a web developer for a fishing bait company. It was really difficult at first but I managed to stay there for over a year until I was made redundant in September 2013. I then carried on doing guitar lessons and freelance web development and things were as good as they have been for years. I came off medication in July 2014 and that kind of brings me to where I am now. I'd been doing really well getting lots of work and earning a decent amount. Things were good until first week in January I became very deflated and down and since then I've gone down hill and all the old worries of bipolar and schizophrenia are coming back. I've felt very very anxious e.t.c.
I thought that since I went on Sertraline and was doing better that was it, I'd finally conquered my problems.
I've started back on Sertraline now but at the minute feel unable to work again or get myself going.
I've written this out to look at some of the issues in my past that I think could be a manic phase like the moving from job to job, taking out loans and gambling and then the quick relationships and how quickly I married my wife. We are still together and I love her to bits so I don't regret it at all.
If you've read through to this point - thank you. Do you think this coud be misdiagnosed bipolar?
---------- Post added at 17:15 ---------- Previous post was at 15:38 ----------
I know its a long read but would really appreciate it if anyone could shed light on my experiences.
Are they just the normal ups and downs of life and anxiety depression or does the car crash, gambling, loans, job changes, relationships sound like they could be bipolar?
I was diagnosed with Health Anxiety quite a few years back and my fears have always centred around 'going mad'. I think his all stems from being stupid when I was younger and taking drugs.
When I was 19/20 I took Exstacy a few times and LSD a couple of times. I had smoked cannabis quite heavily since 16. The first major episode of anxiety I had was when I took that LSD the first time. I completely lost it. Thought I was losing my mind. It was like major panic attacks/anxiety and hallucinations for 2 days. I eventually came out of it and was back to fairly normal 19/20 year old activities - drinking, having fun and still smoking cannabis. During this period I kind of dropped out of college and didn't finish my diploma and only managed an E in an A level I was doing. I was working for my dad at the time which gave me money for going out e.t.c.
Later that year I decided to do LSD again (idiot) again it was horrible, I thought I was going mad but after 2 days I snapped out of it and was back to normal. Sometime later that year I smoked some really strong cannabis (skunk) from Amsterdam and it made me hallucinate a little bit but this kicked off massive panic attacks. At the time I thought I was going completely mad and I had made myself this way with the drugs.
I kept getting panic attacks but I didn't believe that's what they were I thought it was 100% due to the drugs and I was going crazy. I went to see my GP and he put me on Citalopram (2000). He never said - you've got Anxiety or you've got Depression, just gave me the Citalopram. I took it, stopped drinking and smoking weed and felt a lot better. I was still pretty withdrawn but to be fair up until I was 18 I'd never really been one for going out much anyway. I also remember during this period I became obsessed with my food becoming spiked with LSD. Like if it was a takeaway or from Mcdonalds.
As I was getting better I got a job working in a factory and was doing a lot better. I also met (on the internet) my first really serious relationship. She was from London which meant we took it I turns to get the train each weekend. I was really happy, things were pretty good but I didn't really like going out. I got a promotion at work and things were going well with the girlfriend. I was also doing stuff with my band and also learning about computer programming.
My girlfriend moved up North so we were together and things were pretty good. I passed my driving test but then the next day had a bad accident where I crashed the car into a wall. Conditions were really bad and I was inexperienced and probably going too fast. Lost control of the car and we were pretty lucky. I broke my knee cap and my girlfriend broke her collarbone. We both had quite a bit of time off work but despite out injuries were happy.
Not long after this my girlfriend moved back to London. I was gutted but then decided I would move to London and work part time in and also go to Uni. This was now 2003. Things started off really well. I got into Uni on a computing degree and then got a job working for Ladbrokes bookmakers. This all started pretty well but my Anxiety started to creep up during this time. I was with a new GP in London and they increased my Citalopram dosage. I felt terrible and had to have some time off work. I got through it though and completed my first year at Uni doing quite well.
I then got into gambling. Probably through working in that environment. I kept losing quite a bit of money and was often skint. I was gambling online and losing quite a bit of money. My girlfriend was obviously really angry.
Then in 2005 my Gran died which I took pretty bad. I went up home for a week and then came back down to London. I then got robbed at gunpoint in the bookies and there was also a drive by shooting at the end of my street. I decided I couldn't continue down there anymore and went back home to my parents. I got a transfer to a Ladbrokes I Leeds and also started college in the September. Things were really good. I came off Citalopram.
I took out a loan with Nationwide at this time to consoliate my finances and I ended up gambling and losing about £1000. I knew it was wrong but this makes me feel I could have been manic at that time.
I left Ladbrokes and got a job doing some part time courier work before ending up back at the factory where I had worked previously. This fit in really well with college as it was 6 - 10pm shift. I thought things were going really well and despite having bits of anxiety over the past few years I was pretty much living my life. Id even drunk Alcohol for the first time in years. Around this time my dad found out he had Hepititus C which was a big scare for us all and we had to be tested. Then in January I was at work and I noticed some pains in my head. I was focusing on them and all of a sudden I went really really light headed and thought I was going to collapse. I was scared about brain haemoraghes at this time. A few of my uncles had died from them and my dad had been tested.
This set off a period of intense anxiety. I didn't believe what doctors were telling me I was convinced I was going mad. I didn't sleep for days and was in a terrible state. My old GP then put me back on citalopram and after a while I was back feeling better. My girlfriend then broke up with me and I was down for a while. I also started therapy around this time which was CBT. This definitely helped bu I think most of the time I was seeking reassurance that I wasn't bipolar or schizophrenic or that I wasn't developing those illnesses.
I was working for my dad and my uncle and after a while started going through a few relationships. During this period I met my wife to be. We were texting and talking on the computer a lot and I was really happy. I did manage to get back to College and finished my 1st year doing really well also and I went back to work at Ladbrokes which I could fit in around my college.
Around this time I took out a loan and some credit cards. I was betting heavily and lost quite a bit of money. I took out a loan to clear everything and also bought a new car with it. I knew the gambling was wrong but it was definitely a bit of addiction.
Things were now really really good coming up to Christmas 2006. I was really happy and proposed to my wife. It was quite soon but I just knew. Around this time I also came back off the Citalopram. I was working, doing college and spending all my free time with my wife to be.
Then in March 2007 I went downhill again. I was focusing on my health and really went backwards. I dropped out of college and stopped working. This kicked off a bad period when I didn't really work properly from 2007 - 2010 apart from bits of work with my Dad and my Uncle. I went on Disability. I got married in April 2008 which was brilliant but I was finding it hard and kept thinking I was bipolar or schizophrenic. I also started back in therapy with CBT but this time it didn't work. I was referred to other therapy and courses but nothing really seemed to work. I was on benefits and also doing a little bit of permitted work teaching guitar. I did feel better most of the time but when it came to trying to work or going out places I had severe anxiety. I was doing a bit of fishing at this time which I enjoyed.
My wife and I were living at my parents but in April 2010 we decided to move out to our own house. I was also now under the care of the consultant psychiatrist. She again reassured me I wasn't bipolar or schizophrenic. She wanted me to come off Citalopram and go on to Sertraline. After the initial switch over I did start to feel much better. I was doing quite a few guitar lessons and was really getting into my fishing.
Unfortunately I did have periods of gambling where I lost money. I took out a few Wonga loans and also a provident one. I did win quite a lot of money at one time and spent most of it on fishing tackle. Carp fishing really started to bring me out of the anxiety and depression and I was doing miles better. I was making new friends and getting out and doing things.
In January 2012 I started a new job as a web developer for a fishing bait company. It was really difficult at first but I managed to stay there for over a year until I was made redundant in September 2013. I then carried on doing guitar lessons and freelance web development and things were as good as they have been for years. I came off medication in July 2014 and that kind of brings me to where I am now. I'd been doing really well getting lots of work and earning a decent amount. Things were good until first week in January I became very deflated and down and since then I've gone down hill and all the old worries of bipolar and schizophrenia are coming back. I've felt very very anxious e.t.c.
I thought that since I went on Sertraline and was doing better that was it, I'd finally conquered my problems.
I've started back on Sertraline now but at the minute feel unable to work again or get myself going.
I've written this out to look at some of the issues in my past that I think could be a manic phase like the moving from job to job, taking out loans and gambling and then the quick relationships and how quickly I married my wife. We are still together and I love her to bits so I don't regret it at all.
If you've read through to this point - thank you. Do you think this coud be misdiagnosed bipolar?
---------- Post added at 17:15 ---------- Previous post was at 15:38 ----------
I know its a long read but would really appreciate it if anyone could shed light on my experiences.
Are they just the normal ups and downs of life and anxiety depression or does the car crash, gambling, loans, job changes, relationships sound like they could be bipolar?