Ollie28
18-01-15, 15:45
Roughly 12 months ago now I was at home one evening as normal with my wife and children 2 & 8 preparing tea, we had just got back together after a stressful separation but it had been a month since and I felt great! I felt normal just like the old me. I had just celebrated my 30th bday & Christmas, I was boxing every day feeling the fittest I've ever felt, I was working as a gas engineer fitting fireplaces all around the country, we had a 5* holiday booked for May everything was great.
I can remember turning around out of the kitchen to face my wife & kids and suddenly out of no where my body rocked or shuck it felt like a tremble or someone pushed a switch, as it happend it felt as if my soul and the "me" how I've been all my life was ripped out of my body as though I was taken away, Everything suddenly looked and felt strange to me like I was confused and I had been pulled away from myself and reality and my family so to speak or disconnected from everything even myself It never went away.
I went to bed petrified what had just happend hoping I could sleep it off - the next morning i could barely walk, talk, think, feel, act, react, aware, take things in and I felt like I was "gone"
I went the Dr he said it was just diet problem stock up on carbs... I was barley with it's didn't even realise what was happening. As the hours went on I got worse. My wife wasn't sure what to do, she was taking me out with her I could barley stand up, talk, think or remember what was going on or how I to the place I was at, I can remember going to next with her shuffling my feet almost about to drop to the floor and being in asda looking at things and not having the mind power to even pick it up or feel aware of what we need or are actually doing there. I got worse.... By the end of the full week I was done frustrated - I had been to the Drs and walk in every night still physically and mentally feeling like I did that night it triggerd. Then the pains started - I can remember lying in bed one night my mind was so hyper awake and alive I thought I was going insane I kept jumping out of bed telling my wife I'm going crazy help me because that's how it felt to me I was still lost and gone, my short term memory was non existent and still is.
I battled that weekend then the Monday returned to my dr he gave me diazepam - I thought I was cured!! I took my first couple then forgot about the whole thing me and my wife had a week off together and I had a week of diazepam - the following moday I was ready to return to work or I thought I was! - that day I started setraline I was refused return to work as I didn't have a return to work fit note, I can remember driving home and speaking to our old landlord at the time she was trying to keep £1000 bond she had of ours over £150 wort of work at a previous house and I remember going crazy at her! Swearing telling her she's full of sh*t! At the time I thought nothing of it, I got home and told my wife, but when telling her I realised that wasn't me acting like that! My behaviour recently has not been me! It clicked I'm not better I had just "forgot" as taking the diazepam was like a fake "ok"
That's when it started bad! That evening I was getting ready to take a bath when I suddenly dropped to my hands and knees screaming in pain! It wasn't head ach pain more like electrocuting frying intense pain! It was so bad it felt like I was trying to keep hold of my sanity!!! I was screaming.... It lasted about 5 minutes then went I was left shaken and confused. Over the next few days it kept coming back my whole body felt like I was being electrified and crushed every time it brought me to high emotion of tears and intense feelings. My clarity still terrible my memory shocking and constantly confused other than I know I'm still her and its happening to me.
I went back work the following Monday I had to try - 1 day I done I had a episode I still have of confusion I didn't know where I was or going or just come from can barley think to think, I can't talk I slur my speech and thinking is poweless. It feels like some sort of seizure!! i panicked and started crying and rang my wife. I managed to find a shop I got a Mars bar and a drink and 15 minutes I felt a bit better it passed but I still felt like u did the night it started.
I went home and was off work for 6 months after. I continued to try carry on with my life the best I cani still had two children I didn't want to let them down. I'm still a proud husband & dad despite how I feel. Everyday was and still is a mental and painful struggle. I was going out with my wife not really sure what's going on, no ideas or thoughts, pain and electric shocks, confusion so much crap. I could barley think to even know how to turn the tv over where my phone was how to use my phone what people existed, I forgot about people I spoke to everyday like they didn't exist. I still do. I stopped doing things because I had no thoughts they exist to do them. I continued to go out with my wife and go to watch my little girl do majotettes but struggled to focus ild be in so much pain and no mind power just a lost she'll of my former self. I started to have feelings of my thought and actions are not connected, like I can't do things if I thought of them by chance, little tasks physically hurt my head to complete - It lasted 6 and I was getting no better but can't afford to lose my career so I went back work, having to get the train to work cos my employer wouldn't give me a van you can imagine how I felt trying to work out in the state im in how to get 40 miles up north and back plus go out all day gas fitting!! - i was a wreck but couldn't let my wife and kids down. I did this for a month and was given my van back! Made it easier.
The electric shock intense feelings started to calm, they still come but know what they are so I can suppress them a little they still bring me to tears sometimes, kind of like a rush of intense emotion I can't control. It's painful. Like my nurves are being twisted up and my brains being fried.
IN the last 12 months I've gone through some horrible horrible stuff mentally and physically - I've tried different meds and seen 2 therapists that both didn't have a clue how to help or treat me. I've seen 2 physiatrists one wasn't sure this one is pretty sure it's PTSD with dissociation but then recently seen a therapist that spealises in dissociation disorders and within 15 minutes ruled it out and is writing to my dr to reccomend a full neurological assessment. My dr sent away to see a neurologist 20 weeks ago but he kept refusing to see me saying he can't see anything neurotically in my symptoms ..... Yet everyone I've seen even my second therapist said it sounds neurogical so I'm awaiting to see what's next.
Currently I'm still the same - pain, confussion, I have episodes of some sort of internal seizure as thare the best way to describe them, my nurves will start il start shaking then I feel like my heads being crushed I can't talk or respond to people I feel like I can't move or think my mouth and face go numb.
Everyday I wake up and do my best to get through the day I don't want to let anyone down.
Things I notice now....
I can wake up feeling 80% ok I can think & feel and connect with people but anything to much physically or mentally brings it on - pain in my lower body up in to my chest n head then eyes go blurry then head gets crushed then I can't think or take anything in left like a non functional person until it decides to lift.
Hot air makes it worse - if I put blowers on in my car I start to feel suffocated n crushed and start to lose clarity.
If I'm concentrating my mind goes inwards and I can't focus outward so have to keep stopping and looking as far as I can see to try open my mind up again, it physically hurts too.
I don't get outwards thoughts so forget about people, places and things. No ideas. I have to tell myself to think about my kids why in work otherwise I forget they exist personally - yet if someone asks I can give them a answer it's as if my minds just not processing like it use to I'm stuck like this 24/7! It's my worst symptom. I can only do this for a couple of seconds my brain won't let me thing outwards i can't physically do it even when I try to.
Really really forgetfull and unaware I can't connect to anyone or thing and if I try it physically hurts.
I have really bad episodes of having no brain power to the point it feels like my brains being fried! It physically burns it's been so bad I've actually stuck my head in cold water!
I can't escape I'm constantly stuck like this like I was that night it all started.
I feel gone - I don't know where the old me is I'm just lost and struggling daily.
I still go work and pretend I'm ok - I do my job but struggle to do things or remember to do things that are part of my job I've done for the last 20 years things that shouldn't be forgot to be done things that's are very important and are usually done without thinking to do them.
Some days I feel 90% and I can feel emotional feelings that go with thoughts it's like winning the lottery! But then I can feel "it" pulling on me as if I'm being tugged on and pulled out of reality!!! It's scary and horrible!!!!
It feels to me my body is stuck in some sort of cycle that I'm not in control of in just having to take it. Crying some how relieves it if only for 5 minutes then it all starts again,
my breathing always seems not enough I keep finding myself taking a massive breath to give my body a relief.
I can't do sport i struggle to physically be in the moment and can't catch my breath and it hurts my head like a rush of blood.
I have episodes of my body just shuts down I go weak and can't walk or talk and my brain hurts my wife has witnessed this and said I look pale like a ghost.
People are starting to say I look ill.
I don't know how I've not been hospital yet ive been emotionally, mentally and physically drained to the point I can't move.
Writing this post Im in pain doing it - I'm not aware of how long I've been writing or what's been going on around me feels like my heads been crushed.
I can't think rational or find words or spell correct, my intelligence seems low not like a engineer i use to feel.
My memory and clarity is the worst I miss feeling me I miss doing things I use to I don't do them now because I forget they exist and I don't get thoughts to do things simple things I would produce without trying.
It's my bday again soonmy wife wants to take me away and I'm petrified because I won't enjoy it and il forget my kids exist if not reminded about them.
I'm fed up of being in this state I've tried work, exercise, relaxing, medication, staying away from the subject and nothing is working for me it seems like my body now has a mind of it's own and I'm no longer in charge.
Life's crap now I was once a happy man with a life to look forward to living but now I'm in constant pain confusion forgetfullness and no ideas because my mind won't produce them!
I've clicked out of it a few times like I've returned back to my body out of a coma but then it goes again, I've felt me 3 weeks ago for about half a hour then again it went away it was amZing! I'm still here somewhere I just haven't a clue how to find it or if il ever feel normal again.
Thanks for reading and all the best to you all!
Xxxxxxxxxxxx
I can remember turning around out of the kitchen to face my wife & kids and suddenly out of no where my body rocked or shuck it felt like a tremble or someone pushed a switch, as it happend it felt as if my soul and the "me" how I've been all my life was ripped out of my body as though I was taken away, Everything suddenly looked and felt strange to me like I was confused and I had been pulled away from myself and reality and my family so to speak or disconnected from everything even myself It never went away.
I went to bed petrified what had just happend hoping I could sleep it off - the next morning i could barely walk, talk, think, feel, act, react, aware, take things in and I felt like I was "gone"
I went the Dr he said it was just diet problem stock up on carbs... I was barley with it's didn't even realise what was happening. As the hours went on I got worse. My wife wasn't sure what to do, she was taking me out with her I could barley stand up, talk, think or remember what was going on or how I to the place I was at, I can remember going to next with her shuffling my feet almost about to drop to the floor and being in asda looking at things and not having the mind power to even pick it up or feel aware of what we need or are actually doing there. I got worse.... By the end of the full week I was done frustrated - I had been to the Drs and walk in every night still physically and mentally feeling like I did that night it triggerd. Then the pains started - I can remember lying in bed one night my mind was so hyper awake and alive I thought I was going insane I kept jumping out of bed telling my wife I'm going crazy help me because that's how it felt to me I was still lost and gone, my short term memory was non existent and still is.
I battled that weekend then the Monday returned to my dr he gave me diazepam - I thought I was cured!! I took my first couple then forgot about the whole thing me and my wife had a week off together and I had a week of diazepam - the following moday I was ready to return to work or I thought I was! - that day I started setraline I was refused return to work as I didn't have a return to work fit note, I can remember driving home and speaking to our old landlord at the time she was trying to keep £1000 bond she had of ours over £150 wort of work at a previous house and I remember going crazy at her! Swearing telling her she's full of sh*t! At the time I thought nothing of it, I got home and told my wife, but when telling her I realised that wasn't me acting like that! My behaviour recently has not been me! It clicked I'm not better I had just "forgot" as taking the diazepam was like a fake "ok"
That's when it started bad! That evening I was getting ready to take a bath when I suddenly dropped to my hands and knees screaming in pain! It wasn't head ach pain more like electrocuting frying intense pain! It was so bad it felt like I was trying to keep hold of my sanity!!! I was screaming.... It lasted about 5 minutes then went I was left shaken and confused. Over the next few days it kept coming back my whole body felt like I was being electrified and crushed every time it brought me to high emotion of tears and intense feelings. My clarity still terrible my memory shocking and constantly confused other than I know I'm still her and its happening to me.
I went back work the following Monday I had to try - 1 day I done I had a episode I still have of confusion I didn't know where I was or going or just come from can barley think to think, I can't talk I slur my speech and thinking is poweless. It feels like some sort of seizure!! i panicked and started crying and rang my wife. I managed to find a shop I got a Mars bar and a drink and 15 minutes I felt a bit better it passed but I still felt like u did the night it started.
I went home and was off work for 6 months after. I continued to try carry on with my life the best I cani still had two children I didn't want to let them down. I'm still a proud husband & dad despite how I feel. Everyday was and still is a mental and painful struggle. I was going out with my wife not really sure what's going on, no ideas or thoughts, pain and electric shocks, confusion so much crap. I could barley think to even know how to turn the tv over where my phone was how to use my phone what people existed, I forgot about people I spoke to everyday like they didn't exist. I still do. I stopped doing things because I had no thoughts they exist to do them. I continued to go out with my wife and go to watch my little girl do majotettes but struggled to focus ild be in so much pain and no mind power just a lost she'll of my former self. I started to have feelings of my thought and actions are not connected, like I can't do things if I thought of them by chance, little tasks physically hurt my head to complete - It lasted 6 and I was getting no better but can't afford to lose my career so I went back work, having to get the train to work cos my employer wouldn't give me a van you can imagine how I felt trying to work out in the state im in how to get 40 miles up north and back plus go out all day gas fitting!! - i was a wreck but couldn't let my wife and kids down. I did this for a month and was given my van back! Made it easier.
The electric shock intense feelings started to calm, they still come but know what they are so I can suppress them a little they still bring me to tears sometimes, kind of like a rush of intense emotion I can't control. It's painful. Like my nurves are being twisted up and my brains being fried.
IN the last 12 months I've gone through some horrible horrible stuff mentally and physically - I've tried different meds and seen 2 therapists that both didn't have a clue how to help or treat me. I've seen 2 physiatrists one wasn't sure this one is pretty sure it's PTSD with dissociation but then recently seen a therapist that spealises in dissociation disorders and within 15 minutes ruled it out and is writing to my dr to reccomend a full neurological assessment. My dr sent away to see a neurologist 20 weeks ago but he kept refusing to see me saying he can't see anything neurotically in my symptoms ..... Yet everyone I've seen even my second therapist said it sounds neurogical so I'm awaiting to see what's next.
Currently I'm still the same - pain, confussion, I have episodes of some sort of internal seizure as thare the best way to describe them, my nurves will start il start shaking then I feel like my heads being crushed I can't talk or respond to people I feel like I can't move or think my mouth and face go numb.
Everyday I wake up and do my best to get through the day I don't want to let anyone down.
Things I notice now....
I can wake up feeling 80% ok I can think & feel and connect with people but anything to much physically or mentally brings it on - pain in my lower body up in to my chest n head then eyes go blurry then head gets crushed then I can't think or take anything in left like a non functional person until it decides to lift.
Hot air makes it worse - if I put blowers on in my car I start to feel suffocated n crushed and start to lose clarity.
If I'm concentrating my mind goes inwards and I can't focus outward so have to keep stopping and looking as far as I can see to try open my mind up again, it physically hurts too.
I don't get outwards thoughts so forget about people, places and things. No ideas. I have to tell myself to think about my kids why in work otherwise I forget they exist personally - yet if someone asks I can give them a answer it's as if my minds just not processing like it use to I'm stuck like this 24/7! It's my worst symptom. I can only do this for a couple of seconds my brain won't let me thing outwards i can't physically do it even when I try to.
Really really forgetfull and unaware I can't connect to anyone or thing and if I try it physically hurts.
I have really bad episodes of having no brain power to the point it feels like my brains being fried! It physically burns it's been so bad I've actually stuck my head in cold water!
I can't escape I'm constantly stuck like this like I was that night it all started.
I feel gone - I don't know where the old me is I'm just lost and struggling daily.
I still go work and pretend I'm ok - I do my job but struggle to do things or remember to do things that are part of my job I've done for the last 20 years things that shouldn't be forgot to be done things that's are very important and are usually done without thinking to do them.
Some days I feel 90% and I can feel emotional feelings that go with thoughts it's like winning the lottery! But then I can feel "it" pulling on me as if I'm being tugged on and pulled out of reality!!! It's scary and horrible!!!!
It feels to me my body is stuck in some sort of cycle that I'm not in control of in just having to take it. Crying some how relieves it if only for 5 minutes then it all starts again,
my breathing always seems not enough I keep finding myself taking a massive breath to give my body a relief.
I can't do sport i struggle to physically be in the moment and can't catch my breath and it hurts my head like a rush of blood.
I have episodes of my body just shuts down I go weak and can't walk or talk and my brain hurts my wife has witnessed this and said I look pale like a ghost.
People are starting to say I look ill.
I don't know how I've not been hospital yet ive been emotionally, mentally and physically drained to the point I can't move.
Writing this post Im in pain doing it - I'm not aware of how long I've been writing or what's been going on around me feels like my heads been crushed.
I can't think rational or find words or spell correct, my intelligence seems low not like a engineer i use to feel.
My memory and clarity is the worst I miss feeling me I miss doing things I use to I don't do them now because I forget they exist and I don't get thoughts to do things simple things I would produce without trying.
It's my bday again soonmy wife wants to take me away and I'm petrified because I won't enjoy it and il forget my kids exist if not reminded about them.
I'm fed up of being in this state I've tried work, exercise, relaxing, medication, staying away from the subject and nothing is working for me it seems like my body now has a mind of it's own and I'm no longer in charge.
Life's crap now I was once a happy man with a life to look forward to living but now I'm in constant pain confusion forgetfullness and no ideas because my mind won't produce them!
I've clicked out of it a few times like I've returned back to my body out of a coma but then it goes again, I've felt me 3 weeks ago for about half a hour then again it went away it was amZing! I'm still here somewhere I just haven't a clue how to find it or if il ever feel normal again.
Thanks for reading and all the best to you all!
Xxxxxxxxxxxx