flatterycat
19-01-15, 17:48
Hello
Having had a shed load of tests last Thurs and getting all clear I am determined to slay (or rather, quieten) my dragon.
I am still in the realms of thinking that if I now get too relaxed about my results, something bad will happen. The anxiety is trying to keep me scared - it's making me feel that if I accept everything I will be tempting fate. In short, it's keeping me on my toes. But, I want more, I don't want to live in the dragon's shadow, allowing it to play with my mind. I want to be able to say "I'm going to have fun and if I do nothing bad will happen because I was happy. I'm allowed to be happy"
Sorry if that all sounds a bit :whistles:
So what small step have I made? Well, on the weekend I had an awful pain down my left arm, which migrated into my back. I was painful. I thought 'heart attack', which makes a change from BT. Nothing like a bit of variety in HA!
Anyway I stretched my arms and it went. The small step was that I did not google. I wanted yo, still do slightly but I didn't, even though my dragon is saying "if you don't check it'll be bad - the one time you don't google and it turns out you are right". Anyhoo, I didn't google. It was hard and I know there will be times when it's really, really hard but...
The other little step is that after having my CT brain scan last week I was very reassured after. I almost skipped home:blush: But then, the flames began to lick slightly "Uh Oh, what if the scan missed something? I very read loads of stuff saying that CT scans often miss BT and it's an MRI I need...blah, blah, blah" you get the picture. I couldn't stop the thoughts, BUT I did stop myself googling for reassurance and typing in the old 'Would a CT scan find a BT?'/ 'How often are BT missed on CT scan?'/ 'Is a CT scan without contrast any good?'.....
So, like I said. Small steps, but steps. I rarely admit to positive actions and in doing so my dragon tells me I've tempted fate - tut tut, silly girl!
PS - I do not want reassurance about any of the above:)
Sarah x
Having had a shed load of tests last Thurs and getting all clear I am determined to slay (or rather, quieten) my dragon.
I am still in the realms of thinking that if I now get too relaxed about my results, something bad will happen. The anxiety is trying to keep me scared - it's making me feel that if I accept everything I will be tempting fate. In short, it's keeping me on my toes. But, I want more, I don't want to live in the dragon's shadow, allowing it to play with my mind. I want to be able to say "I'm going to have fun and if I do nothing bad will happen because I was happy. I'm allowed to be happy"
Sorry if that all sounds a bit :whistles:
So what small step have I made? Well, on the weekend I had an awful pain down my left arm, which migrated into my back. I was painful. I thought 'heart attack', which makes a change from BT. Nothing like a bit of variety in HA!
Anyway I stretched my arms and it went. The small step was that I did not google. I wanted yo, still do slightly but I didn't, even though my dragon is saying "if you don't check it'll be bad - the one time you don't google and it turns out you are right". Anyhoo, I didn't google. It was hard and I know there will be times when it's really, really hard but...
The other little step is that after having my CT brain scan last week I was very reassured after. I almost skipped home:blush: But then, the flames began to lick slightly "Uh Oh, what if the scan missed something? I very read loads of stuff saying that CT scans often miss BT and it's an MRI I need...blah, blah, blah" you get the picture. I couldn't stop the thoughts, BUT I did stop myself googling for reassurance and typing in the old 'Would a CT scan find a BT?'/ 'How often are BT missed on CT scan?'/ 'Is a CT scan without contrast any good?'.....
So, like I said. Small steps, but steps. I rarely admit to positive actions and in doing so my dragon tells me I've tempted fate - tut tut, silly girl!
PS - I do not want reassurance about any of the above:)
Sarah x