Husband having Cybersex/porn addiction

[creativelysad]

Two years ago I found out my OH was having cybersex with another woman. This had been going on since before we met (we've been together 8 years) and he claims he never thought to stop it. He also watched porn everyday. When the affair came out he said he wasn't going to watch porn again and that he would stop talking to her straightaway, and I believed him.

Over the last two years he occasionally brought up feeling guilty about sex and the affair, and wanting to try different (more extreme) things with me. He also mentioned he was struggling to keep away from porn, but always said he hadn't gone back to it.

Last December it emerged that he never stopped looking at it. He'd lied all the time. I felt so let down and used. We had a good talk and he said that was it, no more porn. He started counting the weeks since he last did it. We had a lovely Christmas, everything felt very calm, loving and honest. The day before he went back to work he was very withdrawn and down. I thought it was just going beck to work after Christmas.

After two days back at work we had a sleepless night, he kept saying work was getting him down, but I had my suspicions. It took until 4.30am for him to confess he had looked at porn four days earlier. I said it was fine, let's just start counting the weeks again. He hasn't looked at porn since, but now he's blaming the way he's feeling on work. He says he hates his job, nothing is worth living for, etc. I know it's all in his head, so I try not to believe it or encourage him with these thoughts.

I've convinced him to get in touch with a counsellor who specialises in men with sex problems, who he is having a meeting with tomorrow. I genuinely believe that porn/sex/guilt is the main problem, but he is in denial - as though he is protecting all that.

I suppose I don't really have any questions or asking for help... I just really need to talk to someone about it. I've told my parents about the affair, but not the porn - not really comfortable talking to them about that.

[Pineapplepie]

Controversial subject porn I think.
Obviously an affair is one thing, but some find porn fine for their partners to watch and some see it as a kind of unfaithfulness. I take it you're in the latter category.

I personally don't find occasional porn viewing an issue. Sometimes my guy and I have watched it together even. If it was excessive and he was preferring that over actual personal intimacy I was expect it to be a real problem.
I don't know anything really about sex addition, when you say seeing a counsellor for men with sex problems, do you think it's as bad as that?
How do you actually feel about porn?

[RubyToo]

I can relate to the 'on-line' relationship thing, my OH thinks I dont know it is still going on - but it hurts a lot.

thoughts with you x

[creativelysad]

Hi Pineapplepie, thanks for your reply.

I have no problems with porn. I've always known he used it, but thought it was now and again. It turns out it got to 4/5 times a day, plus talking to this other woman. He's admitted it was all he could think about, he wanted to see more and more extreme things and, although we've always been very intimate, (regularly) sex between us ended up uncomfortable and loveless. It got to the stage where I was going to talk to him about it when he confessed to everything. What upsets me the most is he said he wouldn't look at it again, (even though I said I don't mind, but now it's associated with an affair) then kept looking at it regularly, knowing it makes him unhappy/depressed/anxious and goes against my wishes.

Yes, I do think he needs to talk to someone about it - thankfully he is having his first session tonight. He's in denial about it - he blames his anxiety/depression on work, but every time he has panic attacks, etc. all he talks about is how he's obsessing over sex/porn. I just hope he can get the help he needs and we can move on from this. It makes me want to cry when I think over the last 8 years he's been constantly lying to me and going behind my back :weep:

---------- Post added at 18:00 ---------- Previous post was at 16:16 ----------

Rubytoo, so sorry to hear you are going through a similar thing. I am 100% sure my OH hasn't spoken to her again since I found out. I certainly couldn't bear it if he still was...

[swgrl09]

I used to struggle with the porn thing in my relationship too. When we first got together, I was really insecure about my physical appearance and then I found the porn. I guess it wasn't so much what he was looking at, but how frequently. Like it would be right after I left in the morning ... and I'd be like ... why couldn't you just have sex with me instead of the porn? So we fought a lot about it, he'd promise not to do it again, then I'd find it, etc etc etc. This went on a long time and I almost left him because of it ... because of the lying, not the porn. I could not understand for the life of me why he was putting porn first over my feelings.

I wish I could say he stopped looking at it, I think we just both came to an agreement of don't ask. I also have grown up a little and become more secure about myself, which makes me less upset about it. At the same time, I do think he uses it less often now that we are busy adults and not in college with nothing to do all the time.

Sometimes I still get frustrated though at the general world view on porn. I mean, yes if it was "equal" and not so demeaning towards women, that would be one thing and I'd think as long as it's not hurting anybody go for it. But the fact that a lot of it IS demeaning and creates these impossible standards for women really gets to me sometimes still. I get angry that it seems a lot of men don't get it and I don't mean to generalize because I know not all men are like this. But society as a whole continues to really be ruthless on women and it is extremely frustrating.

Anyway off my soap box ...

[jj82]

Hiya. I personally think that for him it is not porn per se that is important, but all those "good feel/relaxed" chemicals that are released in his brain whilst he is watching it. The problem is ...our bodies grow quickly accustomed to the "dosage" , and we need to increase it all the time. So, until he finds something else that releases those chemicals, he is going to feel deprived. I hope you are not having arguments with him, as it is going to further decrease his "good" hormones. Try to look at this like this: how would you handle it it if he was addicted to food or video games? I would personally try to find with him an activity that triggers a release of a more permanent chemical "serotonin" that our body does not get used to as quickly. Please search online what releases it, maybe it would help, but, of course, each case must be individually handled. Good luck! :*

PS Him watching porn for such a long time is nothing to do with you (see above). You would not blame yourself if he would be addicted to ice cream for the same reason, right? :) Cybersex-that is another matter related to fidelity, of course, but you seem to understand it, and you have worked it out. Good luck! :)