Health Anxiety and Fear of Suicide

[Hallie]

So, I was recently diagnosed with HA (also panic disorder and agoraphobia). I am only 19 and this has been very difficult for me. I have bouts of HA where I feel like I really have the disease, but no one will believe me. My first bout what when I believed to have appendicitis last October. After I got over the appendicitis I believed that I was going to have a heart attack after reading about heart attacks at school. Biology and "The Philosophy of Life" (which basically turned into "Let's talk about death everyday) classes did not help. After that, I believed that I had a brain tumor. To the extent that I called like 5 doctors before I got one to set up an MRI and called 10 imaging places before I could find a place to have an appointment that day. Now, I just started CBT and I was starting to feel better. No bouts of HA for almost 3 weeks! I was ecstatic! I know I am not supposed to read articles on health or anything because I internalize everything. At least, that's what people tell me. But, I read this article with a girl's suicide note in it. I've never had depression or even thought of suicide in my life. As I read her note I began to really internalize it. She said something like "I had a perfect life. I had never been depressed before. Etc." Well guess what started after that, I've convinced myself that I have depression and am suicidal. I know that sounds crazy! I don't even think about suicide, yet I'm so afraid that I'm going to do it. I know I wont because I don't think of plans or anything like that. But, has anyone with HA ever experienced this? I'm afraid to be home alone because now I am afraid of going crazy. To me this is more terrifying than the other health conditions because it is something self inflicted. I don't see my therapist for 2 more days, so I'm just looking for some insight.

[tan235]

I suffered my first anxiety attack at 22. I thought I was going to die. I was so terrified I had something malignant. I couldn't leave the house for apart a year.
I'd wake up every morning moaning saying "oh no another day I have to get through."
I hated waking up feeling this way. I felt hollow, empty and terrified.
I was terrified I was just going to break and turn into a mental patient, I was worried I wouldn't be able to control myself and that I might unwittingly hurt myself but all through these crazy thoughts (which last about 3 years) I knew I wouldn't.
I was my best friend but worst enemy but the kind compassionate part of me always won, no matter how severe my terror was. I never truly contemplated suicide but for once into life I understood it. I'm not saying it's right - I think it's selfish but for those 3 years I knew the empty feeling that could cause it. I'm now 40 and haven't once since then thought or felt that way. I still suffer from HA am I still fight with myself but my compassionate loving self will always win because I know that everyday is different.
People with HA are very sensitive souls, we need to be kind and gentle with ourselves and I believe you are. I don't believe your fear is a justified one. You seem intelligent and you're trying to rationalise your thought pattern. But to answer you - did I think about it?
Yes.
Did I think I'd ever do it?
No.
Did I find empathy for those that did.
Yes but I also found weakness.
Life is difficult but it constantly changes. Life without difficulty means stagnant water.
Learning nothing. Being bland. Life with difficult means growth and change. Happiness is appreciated and honoured.
I hope this helps?

[Hallie]

Tan,

Thank you so much for your reply. Did you ever find yourself questioning who you are? Sometimes I feel unlike myself and not even recognizing myself when I feel so much anxiety. I also feel like I don't have the drive that I used to. I think this is party due to the fact that I avoid so many places do to my anxiety. I have to go back to school soon and I am terrified to move back in. I just don't have the drive to go to class and I am afraid that my health anxiety will get worse. Can I ask what you chose as a career? I am struggling with whether or not I can go into social work after all this...

[tan235]

Yes, I did. I still feel that way, I get depersonalization - I had moments where I'd look into the mirror and not even recognise myself, not in a 'spiritual,' way but in a way that scared me. I didn't recognise my face, my eyes, I would question who I was as if I were a stranger.
I lost motivation, in fact, I'd say - work hard on not losing that as I still don't have any.
Stick with school, no matter what. Go see your Dr and of course stay in touch with your counsellor ... if you can make your parents you're allies not your enemies. They do love you and probably don't understand it. My parents didn't and i could have used their support.
Your HA might get worse but here's the catch - that's up to you. ;)
Sorry I know some will say it's not true, and it feels like it's not but it truly is.
Change your reaction to thoughts.
I use to do this when I got a panic attack... I'd take a deep breath and say ' ok go, do your worst...' somehow they seemed to go away.

I once read that anxiety and excitement - to the brain, are the same thing, it's the mind that chooses how we react to it. So next time try seeing your anxiety as excitement, it works but consistency is the key.
good luck and you can't message me anytime.
I haven't cured my HA, as you can see I have a post about mold, previous ones about all kinds of cancers, even one about a brain amoeba - it's still there but and I work really hard at controlling it and as I get older I think I start to understand it more.
I've been really bad though so I"m sure I can help and I didn't take any medication.
I'm not against it if you need it you need it but so far I haven't needed it.

[Hallie]

Thank you so much for your responses. You have helped me probably more than you know. Although they say it's not genetic... Both of my older brothers and I all have the same form and intensity of anxiety. They don't like to talk about it, in fact it's like they are in denial.

I have the mirror thing you talked about pretty frequently my disassociation seems to get worse after panic attacks, so I am hoping it goes away again soon. I never had it bad until I took Ativan. Apparently anti-anxiety meds make disassociation worse.

You have been the first real person that I have felt like I can relate to. I feel a lot less crazy now. ha. I'm hoping the cognitive behavioral therapy will work. I tried medication for a week. It was awful, wont go back there.

Like you said, I do believe I have the power to change my mind. It's like right when I change something, I get hit with something else, so It's exhausting. My relationship with my parents is complicated. They are actually the reason for most of the stress.

Thank you again for your responses.

[tan235]

well .... the not genetic thing I think is a lie.
I absolutely believe it's genetic.
Everyone in my family has it - and look almost everyone has some form of anxiety, ours is heightened due to us being sensitive.
So the reality is is that we are probably quite creative people as most people with anxiety are.
My parents or my Dad caused a lot of my anxiety too.

There are probably also different types of anxiety - nature vs nurture.
I had a difficult family life - nurture.
Everyone in my family has anxiety - nature.

I think the key to anything is acceptance.
It's ok to have anxiety - it's becoming more and more understood and the society we live in almost requires it to exist!!

Just breathe when you can, be your own best friend - when you don't recognise that person in the mirror love them anyway as you know .. they are you and try and learn from what's happening, try and gain a better understand of the anxiety - befriend it don't make it an enemy as it might get worse before it gets better - mine did but I"m still here and I love who I am. I'd rather not have my anxiety but I'm creative, aware and compassionate - maybe without my anxiety I wouldn't be those things.

Just try create new pathways of reaction so you don't instantly go to the anxiety way.
As soon as you feel an attack or anxiety coming on - distract yourself, change your environment - go and do something else.

I know it helps knowing that other people have it - trust me, I get instant relief on here some days just knowing others understand me.
x