everypraise
26-01-15, 15:49
I need to tell my story..and i need help. I know this is really long..but please, if you have a heart and a little time, please read and help me. i am desperate and don't want to kill myself. PLEASE, PLEASE, P L E A S E help me.
When i was 6 years old i developed this overwhelming urge to confess things to my mother. So i started to and i would feel better temporarily but i would always feel this guilt for anything i did wrong. I don't have much more me memory of it affecting me in my younger years so fast forward to around age 10-12. In grade 5, it was HORRIBLE. i would do disgusting things, like draw sexually inappropriate drawings in my textbooks like i couldn't help it..and then confessed to my mother and showed her.
It started up again when i was in jr. high, i would come home at lunch time and confess everything from that morning over the phone to my mother to the point that i would cry uncontrollably. i felt it easier to tell her about it over the phone. she would always tell me i need to stop acting out and also that she was tired of hearing about things as well, but i couldn't help myself.
one day (grade 7) it was so bad, i told my teacher i was sick after helping her move chairs for a school function and my anxiety and guilt hit and i HAD to go home. i mention the chairs to explain that nothing i can remember triggered it, it just happened. i went to my grandmothers, like everyday and called my mother and started confessing.
it got so bad (grade 7&8) that i started doing it in the mornings before school. confessing, confessing, confessing. my mother was always so annoyed by me and upset with me but i couldn't stop. i remember she would try to make me eat breakfast but i couldn't so she said i could eat and apple and that would be okay. so i have a lot of memories of picking away at an apple and confessing. to this day apples are a trigger for me i think, but i still eat them. still the only thing i can turn to for food as a fail safe when this anxiety strikes and i need to eat. but i always remember.
so quick pause there because you're probably wondering what i was doing so much all the time that i felt i needed to confess, so here is a quick list of things i would confess:
rubbing my stuffed animals on me inappropriately
trying to get guys to notice my breasts
drawing inappropriate photos
talking about sex with my friends
one time i wiped a toilet seat before i sat on it but then flipped over the toilet paper and wet it with my tongue to be able to clean the seat more, then felt bad
inappropriate actions with pillows, friends etc.
so continuing on, (all my ages) i noticed that i would have a "groinal response" when i would wash dishes, or touch someone elses eating utensils or cups or belongings. it got so bad that i started happening when i touched people. so when my nieces and nephews would come over and i would hold them, my "groinal response" would trigger. so i tried not to get too close or touch them. i also had a thought about killing my nephew because i was jealous i think and i confessed that too. and that REALLY made my mother upset.
i just hated myself, so much. so there were times it calmed down, especially after i got a bf. (age 15) we got super close and i would tell him this stuff and so everything i did something wrong, i confided in him, most of it was stuff he was doing with me and he didn't get upset, he said he understood and the burden was easier to carry. i stopped confessing to my mother.
after that, our break up, etc. (age 19) i still got the guilt and urges to confess but i passed the burden on to other people i dated. after that breakup i was babysitting my infant nephew and he was crying while i was changing his diaper, so when i wiped him, my finger touched him my accident and he laughed, which was a relief to me cause he wouldn't stop...so i gasp in a good way like "oh, you stopped" and wiped him again, like touched him again..but i didn't mean to in a sexual way, i was as if i was so happy he stopped crying that i did it before i thought about it and i really really didn't mean it like that. so that haunted me for 7 years. i was able to live with that, telling myself i wasn't a pedophile because i didn't want that to happen, it wasn't my intention, etc.
so still, i always avoided children, holding them, touching them, letting them stand between by legs while helping them stand, etc. because of my mental images, but i thought i was getting better and could handle it. it was 7 years since that incident and i had learned to basically control it. or at least i thought i did, one time i noticed i looked at my (at the time) step daughters lower back when she leaned up but it was a reflex..so when i do that to childtren, i just can't help it. i do it to adults too. (age 25).
SO, i got pregnant with my (at the time) fiance at age 25 and we were going to start a family. we got in a really bad fight one time and he left and i thought it was over so i was power puking and shaking and was completely overwhelmed. it much mirrored my symptoms of my anxiety, guilt, ocd panic attacks. we gpot back together though but it wasn't the same. after i had the baby he left anyways because i got one of these panic attacks, had post partum and didn't want to be around the baby because i was afraid of hurting her or touching her inappropriately. (this was about 4 days after i had her) so i hated the fact that i had a baby and was over whelmed. my panic attack was so bad i had to come home to visit my mother with the baby so she could help me because my daughters father was useless. so when i came home to get my mother to help me, he said he didn't want to come be with us so he left.
while i was home i started confessing to my mother again..(about 4-5 days after i had the baby) example:
i watched an incest porno once and the line the father said was "do you remember the first time i licked that little butthole?". and it stuck with me i guess? so while i was rubbing my daughters back and that line popped in my head and i thought i was rubbing her back too low..which i don't really think i was and then i thought "maybe she'd like that".
it's at this time i confessed about the changing of my nephews diaper that one time too. my mother was upset, telling me to stop obsessing, etc. keep doing what i'm doing to get over it. but i have troubles now, it's too hard to handle, here is a list of troubles i face:
sexually inappropriate mental images of me and children in my family
sexually inappropriate mental images of me and family members
touching, picking up, rocking, holding, being around mine of any other child for too long, like if she's sitting on my lap.
cooking/washing dishes and holding utensils too close to my private areas.
transference..like touching a towel i dried off with then touching my child or a tap or doorknob then not washing the tap or doorknob but then touching the tap again and it transferring to my child. so the hand washing and item washing is skin bleedingly EXCESSIVE.
talking myself through every diaper change.
hugging people/family members and having their bodies against mine and thinking inappropriate thoughts.
one complex example is...when i was passing my niece my Bible she touched my hand and i could have kind of awkwardly moved it like i normally do but sometimes i'm just exhausted from being so careful i just let people touch me or touch something or someone, not inappropriately on purpose but just natually, but tend to over analyze it after wards like now. when she touched my hand, i felt like i liked it, but im wondering if it's because i was thinking about the previous night where i got SUPER drunk, cause i don't normally drink and touched a few girls, kissed them, etc. which i KNOW is wrong, but i was drunk beyond drunk. so i had images of that night when she touched my hand so i'm thinking i liked it because i was feeling surperior because i know she looks up to me (she's 12) and i don't think it was directed towards her, it was just thoughts i had at the same time of contact and didn't keep my hand there on purpose. but then i start obsessing, did i purposely leave my hand on the spot on the Bible so she would touch my hand and made up the excuses to make myself feel better? (I don't think so, but this is an example of how i think). so i;ve been obsessing over that all day.
now i know drinking is wrong, i DO NOT drink alcohol. it's bad for my depression and anxiety and guilt and it shouldn't be mixed with my medication. it was a freak one time thing that i did in such a long time. i just got a new bf and i think i was trying to impress him and looking for a way to be more sexual with him and be relaxed because i'm a Christian and im trying to stay celibate now.
i'm on celexa (or ciprolex 20mg) and ativan (.5mg)
i smoke cigarettes but do NO other recreational drugs
i try to exercise when i get the energy or am desperate for endorphins
my diet is AWFUL because these panic attacks make it so i can barely eat
i get nervous to leave my house i get so overwhelmed and i still haven't eaten a meal with my new bf because sometimes after eating, i get full and the full feeling kind of mimics by guilt and anxiety symptoms and i don't want to be embarrassed and tell him he needs to take me home or leave immediately so i can be alone during the panic. it is getting SO bad. so i made an appointment with my family doctor for feb 6th 2015 to get a referral to mental health although i am SO petrified to talk about this in person and am worried they may see me as an unfit parent, worried i'd hurt my daughter and watch me or want to take her away from me. i'm SO worried and scared. but i need help.
a LOT of time i don't feel like i deserve to be happy like i should just give up and confess more things to my mother, but when i do that, more just happens and keeps happening so she tends to get angry at me. now...i'm 26 years old. i'm a little old for all of this. i panic as to what i will do when my mother is gone and is NOT an option to talk to anymore, although i don't want to talk to her about this at all. she looks at me like i'm a freak, gets mad, watches me like a hawk around the baby..it REALLY damages our relationship.
i want to stop feeling as if i have to confess, i want to get better, this is a NONSTOP 99.9% of my day, overwhelming, gut wrenching, obsessive problem part of my every single day life. my panic attack symptoms:
racing heart
sweats
puking
bowel movements
shaking..uncontrollably
heavy breathing
panic/worry/guilt/fear/anxiety/
have to lay down
feeling helpless, hopeless, like i should die
this is almost a daily thing.
i don't want to kill myself as i'm a Christian and have a daughter, but i feel like it's my only relief to spare myself further pain. and am 100% of the time hoping i get cnacer or die or something.
please, PLEASE, help me. please...i am so desperate...
When i was 6 years old i developed this overwhelming urge to confess things to my mother. So i started to and i would feel better temporarily but i would always feel this guilt for anything i did wrong. I don't have much more me memory of it affecting me in my younger years so fast forward to around age 10-12. In grade 5, it was HORRIBLE. i would do disgusting things, like draw sexually inappropriate drawings in my textbooks like i couldn't help it..and then confessed to my mother and showed her.
It started up again when i was in jr. high, i would come home at lunch time and confess everything from that morning over the phone to my mother to the point that i would cry uncontrollably. i felt it easier to tell her about it over the phone. she would always tell me i need to stop acting out and also that she was tired of hearing about things as well, but i couldn't help myself.
one day (grade 7) it was so bad, i told my teacher i was sick after helping her move chairs for a school function and my anxiety and guilt hit and i HAD to go home. i mention the chairs to explain that nothing i can remember triggered it, it just happened. i went to my grandmothers, like everyday and called my mother and started confessing.
it got so bad (grade 7&8) that i started doing it in the mornings before school. confessing, confessing, confessing. my mother was always so annoyed by me and upset with me but i couldn't stop. i remember she would try to make me eat breakfast but i couldn't so she said i could eat and apple and that would be okay. so i have a lot of memories of picking away at an apple and confessing. to this day apples are a trigger for me i think, but i still eat them. still the only thing i can turn to for food as a fail safe when this anxiety strikes and i need to eat. but i always remember.
so quick pause there because you're probably wondering what i was doing so much all the time that i felt i needed to confess, so here is a quick list of things i would confess:
rubbing my stuffed animals on me inappropriately
trying to get guys to notice my breasts
drawing inappropriate photos
talking about sex with my friends
one time i wiped a toilet seat before i sat on it but then flipped over the toilet paper and wet it with my tongue to be able to clean the seat more, then felt bad
inappropriate actions with pillows, friends etc.
so continuing on, (all my ages) i noticed that i would have a "groinal response" when i would wash dishes, or touch someone elses eating utensils or cups or belongings. it got so bad that i started happening when i touched people. so when my nieces and nephews would come over and i would hold them, my "groinal response" would trigger. so i tried not to get too close or touch them. i also had a thought about killing my nephew because i was jealous i think and i confessed that too. and that REALLY made my mother upset.
i just hated myself, so much. so there were times it calmed down, especially after i got a bf. (age 15) we got super close and i would tell him this stuff and so everything i did something wrong, i confided in him, most of it was stuff he was doing with me and he didn't get upset, he said he understood and the burden was easier to carry. i stopped confessing to my mother.
after that, our break up, etc. (age 19) i still got the guilt and urges to confess but i passed the burden on to other people i dated. after that breakup i was babysitting my infant nephew and he was crying while i was changing his diaper, so when i wiped him, my finger touched him my accident and he laughed, which was a relief to me cause he wouldn't stop...so i gasp in a good way like "oh, you stopped" and wiped him again, like touched him again..but i didn't mean to in a sexual way, i was as if i was so happy he stopped crying that i did it before i thought about it and i really really didn't mean it like that. so that haunted me for 7 years. i was able to live with that, telling myself i wasn't a pedophile because i didn't want that to happen, it wasn't my intention, etc.
so still, i always avoided children, holding them, touching them, letting them stand between by legs while helping them stand, etc. because of my mental images, but i thought i was getting better and could handle it. it was 7 years since that incident and i had learned to basically control it. or at least i thought i did, one time i noticed i looked at my (at the time) step daughters lower back when she leaned up but it was a reflex..so when i do that to childtren, i just can't help it. i do it to adults too. (age 25).
SO, i got pregnant with my (at the time) fiance at age 25 and we were going to start a family. we got in a really bad fight one time and he left and i thought it was over so i was power puking and shaking and was completely overwhelmed. it much mirrored my symptoms of my anxiety, guilt, ocd panic attacks. we gpot back together though but it wasn't the same. after i had the baby he left anyways because i got one of these panic attacks, had post partum and didn't want to be around the baby because i was afraid of hurting her or touching her inappropriately. (this was about 4 days after i had her) so i hated the fact that i had a baby and was over whelmed. my panic attack was so bad i had to come home to visit my mother with the baby so she could help me because my daughters father was useless. so when i came home to get my mother to help me, he said he didn't want to come be with us so he left.
while i was home i started confessing to my mother again..(about 4-5 days after i had the baby) example:
i watched an incest porno once and the line the father said was "do you remember the first time i licked that little butthole?". and it stuck with me i guess? so while i was rubbing my daughters back and that line popped in my head and i thought i was rubbing her back too low..which i don't really think i was and then i thought "maybe she'd like that".
it's at this time i confessed about the changing of my nephews diaper that one time too. my mother was upset, telling me to stop obsessing, etc. keep doing what i'm doing to get over it. but i have troubles now, it's too hard to handle, here is a list of troubles i face:
sexually inappropriate mental images of me and children in my family
sexually inappropriate mental images of me and family members
touching, picking up, rocking, holding, being around mine of any other child for too long, like if she's sitting on my lap.
cooking/washing dishes and holding utensils too close to my private areas.
transference..like touching a towel i dried off with then touching my child or a tap or doorknob then not washing the tap or doorknob but then touching the tap again and it transferring to my child. so the hand washing and item washing is skin bleedingly EXCESSIVE.
talking myself through every diaper change.
hugging people/family members and having their bodies against mine and thinking inappropriate thoughts.
one complex example is...when i was passing my niece my Bible she touched my hand and i could have kind of awkwardly moved it like i normally do but sometimes i'm just exhausted from being so careful i just let people touch me or touch something or someone, not inappropriately on purpose but just natually, but tend to over analyze it after wards like now. when she touched my hand, i felt like i liked it, but im wondering if it's because i was thinking about the previous night where i got SUPER drunk, cause i don't normally drink and touched a few girls, kissed them, etc. which i KNOW is wrong, but i was drunk beyond drunk. so i had images of that night when she touched my hand so i'm thinking i liked it because i was feeling surperior because i know she looks up to me (she's 12) and i don't think it was directed towards her, it was just thoughts i had at the same time of contact and didn't keep my hand there on purpose. but then i start obsessing, did i purposely leave my hand on the spot on the Bible so she would touch my hand and made up the excuses to make myself feel better? (I don't think so, but this is an example of how i think). so i;ve been obsessing over that all day.
now i know drinking is wrong, i DO NOT drink alcohol. it's bad for my depression and anxiety and guilt and it shouldn't be mixed with my medication. it was a freak one time thing that i did in such a long time. i just got a new bf and i think i was trying to impress him and looking for a way to be more sexual with him and be relaxed because i'm a Christian and im trying to stay celibate now.
i'm on celexa (or ciprolex 20mg) and ativan (.5mg)
i smoke cigarettes but do NO other recreational drugs
i try to exercise when i get the energy or am desperate for endorphins
my diet is AWFUL because these panic attacks make it so i can barely eat
i get nervous to leave my house i get so overwhelmed and i still haven't eaten a meal with my new bf because sometimes after eating, i get full and the full feeling kind of mimics by guilt and anxiety symptoms and i don't want to be embarrassed and tell him he needs to take me home or leave immediately so i can be alone during the panic. it is getting SO bad. so i made an appointment with my family doctor for feb 6th 2015 to get a referral to mental health although i am SO petrified to talk about this in person and am worried they may see me as an unfit parent, worried i'd hurt my daughter and watch me or want to take her away from me. i'm SO worried and scared. but i need help.
a LOT of time i don't feel like i deserve to be happy like i should just give up and confess more things to my mother, but when i do that, more just happens and keeps happening so she tends to get angry at me. now...i'm 26 years old. i'm a little old for all of this. i panic as to what i will do when my mother is gone and is NOT an option to talk to anymore, although i don't want to talk to her about this at all. she looks at me like i'm a freak, gets mad, watches me like a hawk around the baby..it REALLY damages our relationship.
i want to stop feeling as if i have to confess, i want to get better, this is a NONSTOP 99.9% of my day, overwhelming, gut wrenching, obsessive problem part of my every single day life. my panic attack symptoms:
racing heart
sweats
puking
bowel movements
shaking..uncontrollably
heavy breathing
panic/worry/guilt/fear/anxiety/
have to lay down
feeling helpless, hopeless, like i should die
this is almost a daily thing.
i don't want to kill myself as i'm a Christian and have a daughter, but i feel like it's my only relief to spare myself further pain. and am 100% of the time hoping i get cnacer or die or something.
please, PLEASE, help me. please...i am so desperate...