Paranoia - i am sure I have hiv and want to just die

[mylifeinflames]

So here goes..... 2 weeks ago I had a possible exposure to hiV due to unprotected sex with a very close friend I've known from the age of 15. We both got hammered and parts of the night blanked out! For me this is the first time this happend..... However it gets so much worse from here......2 days later I started having symptoms down there ..... again first time something like this happens..... I panicked and rushed to an std clinic where they ran a number of tests. Came back to tell me I have urea plazama.....again first time. They gave me klacid antibiotics which I am still taking.... anyways two days from getting the result I freaked the hell out about having hiv..... I went back to the clinic and paid 800 dollars for an early detection hiv test. This was at day 8 after exposure...... apparently the new generations tests work from 7 days and above. The first test came back negative for antibodies antigen and p24. However the rna will only come back in two days. it gets even worse. .... During this time of panic the following things happened

1. Tummy ups and downs, which could be connected to the antibiotics im taking

2. Sever inflamed breast and found one nodule in one of them which made me rush to the hospital again due to the pain..... They did some ultrasounds but they said they see no signs of infection in my btrast and this kind of cyst thing happens sometimes (but I am sure it is my body's reaction to hiv )

3. I have a sinus problem which decided to act out again last night which ofc gave me sinus congestion severe headaches and brought up my temperature to 37.4 for a very short time (Again the most common hiV symptom) All of these happened in the second week of exposure.

Moving on..... I am now 1000000% convinced I have hiv.....Every two minutes something else starts hurting.... first one armpit than another n then the other one again ....I spotted a bit of tenderness down there too. I feel heaviness I my chest I feel I'm going crazy n I'm going to crack soon. .... I can't eat.... or sleep or even have proper conversations with ppl..... I'm ready to jus lay down and die and put me out of my own misery.... I am convinced I have destroyed my life and all the struggles and success all in vain.... This will destroy my family, my career, my whole life and dreams of having a family. I could never tell my mother.... I'm the only thing she has..... I let her down so so bad this would destroy her life

as I am writing this I am sedated with sleeping pills.... since I cannot sleep or function properly..... I am so afraid that my hands r constantly cold and sweaty......my whole body shivers because of my panic ... I can't take it anymore
I must have read all the information available on the net and now I am sure I am sick and I have every single symptom of the disease.... I just wanna run away and never stop running.

If the test comes back positive.. which I'm 100% sure it will.... my plan is to kill myself.... but that would destroy mom.... if not that I will have to pack my bags and move far far far away from my family and friends where no one knows me so that I won't have to telly loved ones how bad I've let them down

At this point I think I deserve this..... for crossing over my moral values n doing what I have done.... I'm a terrible person.....

I don't even wanna go see the results of the test as I already know the answer...... I have given up.... I can't believe I put myself in this situation .... I have failed everyone....I don't know how I will go on from here .... my plan is to quit my high profile job and leave the country.... everything I've worked for has burnt.

I'm done.

Thanks for reading

[venusbluejeans]

Hiya mylifeinflames and welcome to NMP :welcome:

Why not take a look at our articles on our home page, they contain a wealth of information and are a great starting place for your time on the forum.

I hope you find the as site helpful and informative as I have and that you get the help and support you need here and hope that you meet a few friends along the way :yesyes:

[mylifeinflames]

Hey...thanks for the reply... I'll try and go through the articles. ...I've read so much on the subject that it makes me feel ill just think abt it .

Thank you though
I'll check it out

[travinci]

Hi, I hope ypu got your results and you feel better...

[Sickofitall]

I've obsessed over hiv a FEW times. The sight that helped me the most was on thebody.com. Anyways.... Let me be the first to tell you it is SUPER HARD to get hiv....harder than you think. And the symptoms you would be having would be like the worst flu you have ever had....like night sweats so bad you have to throw away the mattress.... Rashes....swelling in every lymph node you got! And this is when you go thru ars....which is usually the 4th week. That's why they get you to test after the 4th week because the hiv is detectable in your system. Most recommend you wait til the 6th week.... Anyway....DONT PANIC! Know that is easier to get stuck by lightning while winning the lottery and getting a check cut from Ed McMahon than getting hiv. Is it possible....why hell yeah it is...BUT anal is the easiest way to catch it....because of the tearing (if I'm understanding that correctly) and the person that has the hiv has to be shedding the virus...your body has to susceptible to receiving the virus.....anyway...its damn hard to catch. Hope that helps. :)