Going nuts

[PanickyPolly]

I think I'm going mad guys so if I don't reply for a while it's coz I'm in hospital. Had another problem with the laundry room just now...disinfecting everything and scared of contamination then freaked out, self hamred and foind myself running all ovr my flat screaming "I'm going to kill you all' in an animal like voice. It was like I was posessed. Like it wasn't me. I'm also convinced everybody wants me to die so I guess I'm going to kill everybody before they kill me. Even the post I posted up about my good news about not having Huntingtons no one said oh great news so now I feel that's a sign that ppl wnt me to die. I'm so sorry for sounding so weird and horrible but I just needed to tell someone. I know it's really yukky but this is how it is right now. I'm sure you're al lovely ppla nd don't want me to die but the littlest thing can set me off sometimes.

[samc100]

Oh Polly - so many hugs for you. NO - we don't want you to die. We want you to be happy and smile and dance.

Sorry if you think anyone is ignoring. It is not at all deliberate. It can feel liek paranoia if no-one answers you posts but it is a silly oversight and not personal.

How are you now honey? Are you hurt and bleeding? Are you feeling a little calmer. Deep breathes and can you please try to post back on here so we know you are ok

Hugs and cuddles.

[PanickyPolly]

Bit better now thanks...god knows if anything will trigger it off again. I guess there's a logical explanation forwh I went the way I did somewhere. I know no-ones's ognoring me it's just a bit ofparanois it's just I get so bad sometimes I really do feel like people are plotting to kill me. I even dreamed about it last night. Trouble is in teh past two days I've had two people let me downa nd betray my trust byt revealing something I told them in cofidence so I think maybe that's spaarked it of.

Thanks for being so sweet and understanding Sam x

[PanickyPolly]

The exact same thing just hapenned again...laundry room, clothes getting moved and touched and contaminated...disinfecting, self harming...shouting about killing everybody.

[samc100]

Polly - if you log in this evening can you arrange to have someone you like and trust to be with you just so you don't feel alone.

If not please phone the Samaratians just so you feel a little less lonely. Or any other of the help-lines. Just so you don't feel alone. Though maybe you need to the call Dr to come and visit you? Just a few thoughts as don't want you alone.

The betrayal of 2 friends probably has been the trigger as it is so disappointing to be let down. And paranoia creeps in. But remember people do care and will support you.

[PanickyPolly]

Thanks Sam, feel liek I'm being tested this week what with those two people letting me down, other bits and bobs and having things getting contaminated all the time and having to disinfect everything. Have used a whole bottle of disinfectand this evning just trying to uncontaminate things coz they've been falling onto teh floor or getting touhced by other peopel and when that happens I fly into a rage and start wanting to kill people again. Not that I'd really do it I juts get into that mood.

[samc100]

How have you been feeling today Polly?

[PITITA]

Hi Polly!

How are you feeling? Sending lots f hugs to you! You seem to have a little OCD thinking going on there with the contamination. I don't know much about OCD, but there is a website where you can find an article how to discharge OCD thoughts.
this is the link: http://www.ocduk.org/2/foursteps.htm

Hope you feel better soon! Hugs to you! xxx

[PanickyPolly]

Thanks for checking in one me. Things have been not quite as bad but still there. The symptoms I mean. Still self harming. The littlest things trigger me off. Feeling angry today as well and hating everyone again. Left a library DVD in my Spanish class and told the library manger about it and she didn't seem to grateful that I let her know it'd be late so I felt like self harming as a result. Have spoken to a private psych but she seems over keen to help me so I think she's motivated by money. You just don't know who to trust these days.