maddiemyhoney
31-01-15, 00:26
Hi all, I'm new to No More Panic but I've been on forums before for this. This might be a long post but I wondered if other people get the same as me.
So I've had emetophobia since I was around 12 years old. I think it all was triggered by my dad being so loud and complaining when he V*ed. I also have been put off eating beef due to the last time I V* I was 12 and had eaten so much beef casserole. I put up with endless panic attacks and regular doctor visits not knowing what was causing my violent shaking, constant nausea for years until I was 19 and researched panic attacks. I knew I had some sort of panic disorder. I realised all my panic attacks were around the thought of V*. I then found emetophobia and realised instantly that was it! Every doctor I went to said I was being stupid and to just V* and I'll get over it. I wouldn't travel on trains, go to cinemas, go on holiday, go out for dinner, stay away from home or eat anywhere but home where I felt comfortable. I was like a hermit crab, not coming out of my shell or doing normal things that people my age do. I've never drunk, I'd always insist on driving. I really didn't have a life. I was then referred to CBT by my GP. It was all online in the comfort of my own home. I told them all about my symptoms but it didn't hit the phobia, just the panic attacks and I knew that if I didn't have the phobia my panic attacks would disappear completely. I finished the 12 sessions but still didn't feel comfortable. I needed something else.
I struggled on with my phobia, and to be honest was very close to giving up all together, I was so down, I lost my job, no money, no boyfriend. I had little or no support from my dad who I was living with at the time, He felt that I was attention seeking and making it all up. I had a lot of problems living where I was. I could normally hide my panic attacks very well and would rather be on my own then speak to anyone about it. The one time I had to have my stepmum calm me down because I was in such a bad way I got moaned at for it.
After this my panic attacks started to change, instead of shaking I'd start feeling very hot, panicky for no reason and I'd start gagging. These are different to what I call 'normal' panic attacks where I feel out of breath, heart pumping out of my chest etc, these types of panic I can deal with this as I know that it's just an attack. The difference I find with emetophobia attacks is I can't determine whether it's just panic nausea or actual nausea. I've never V*ed from this gagging episode but I sure as hell feel like I'm going to, I think this is what is so terrifying to me.
After this episode I decided to give CBT another go, this time was face to face, and it geniunely changed my life. These people understood my emetophobia, my panic attacks and my symptoms. I finally felt a sense of relief. The therapist tailored the therapy to suit my needs and I was thrilled.
The first session was about my symptoms, how I was feeling and what the course would consist of. The second session was slightly more difficult where she made me watch videos of people V* first without sound then with. starting off with quite mild going to extreme. I decided to start with videos from Jackass, a show that I love watching but could only watch from behind a cushion and with remote in hand ready to mute. This was very familiar territory to me which made me feel comfortable and motivated to carry on. I must have watched around 5 different videos and towards the end wasn't phased by it at all. I can now watch people on the TV V*ing without having to hide away. This was my first major breakthrough. I was calm, collected and felt great to finally be in control. The third session was so much more difficult where she'd brought in tubs of liquid that looked like V* in kidney basins (the ones you get in hospitals) I was terrified, starting at the other side of the room, starting to get closer and closer, eventually holding it in my hands, moving it from one bowl to the other. smelling it etc. This was so difficult for me, being so close to something that could have been, but again, felt so much more comfortable the more I was around it. CBT was constantly a challenge but I definitely was taken out of my comfort zone and I am so grateful for that otherwise I'd still be in the awful place I was before. I was also prescribed Fluxeotine which really did help with both my depression and panic attacks. I felt so much calmer and able to challenge myself step by step. I eventually started doing this that I couldn't do before, for example, went on the tube to London in October to watch Ed Sheeran, and I sat right at the back at the o2 where I would have shit a brick!! I was absolutely fine, no panic at all! Even on the busy train home, no panic at all!! I even went back to London the next day to see Matilda at the West End with my other half with my car an hour and a half away on the train. I felt completely fine. The only time I seem to get these attacks is when my OH comes with me to see my friends, does anyone else get this? I'm about to fly for the first time in over a year, with my OH and I am terrified it's going to happen while I'm away, I hate flying and especially being so far away from home with no escape plan. Has any emets travelled abroad? how do they cope? I'm tempted to take sleeping tablets before I get on the plane so I just fall asleep, wake up and I'm there. I've also got one anti-emetoc left so will take that on the plane just incase.
I used to take countless rennies, buying a new family pack every week. Thinking that this would help the sickness... it didn't. it would mask the symptoms for a while but not stop the phobia. I'd used to take so many tablets when I'd get an attack; an anti-emetic, gastro resistant tablet, paracetamol, ginger tablet, rescue remedy and night nurse (to eventually knck me out) I had such a problem, With CBT's help I cut out everything except my ginger and fluexotine. On verv rare occasions I'd take an anti emetic. (I now only have one left and the doctors refuse to prescribe me them.)
I recently had the flu/cold virus that was going around recently, I was in such a bad way. Shaking, aching, I couldn't get out of bed and my whole body hurt. I felt so nauseous I would have done anything to feel better. So I was so close to V* I was sat over the toilet and was so so close, I could smell and taste it and I remembered exactly how it felt to V*. To be honest, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It was over quickly and I felt so much better after. I think the reason I'm so emetophobic is because I just don't remember what it's like to V*, after this day, all my attacks disappeared, so it definitely helped as horrible as it was.
At this moment in time, I've had one panic attack since before christmas (when I had the bug), even spending xmas and 4 days after with my OH and his family. If anyone else has the gagging attacks please do get in touch. I'd love to know how you deal with it. I've actually started the elastic band trick - snapping it against your wrist hard until you focus on the pain rather than the attack, and it works, but keep going until it's completely gone. Trust me, it works, and it's supposed to hurt!
I hope this helps somebody else because I could have done with a post like this while I was going through it. I have definitely come a long way from where I started and I am so grateful to everyone that has helped and put up with me. My OH doesn't understand first hand what I go through but he is sympathetic and tries his best, even googled emetophobia which meant a lot to me.
Any tips from anyone would be greatly appreciated. :)
So I've had emetophobia since I was around 12 years old. I think it all was triggered by my dad being so loud and complaining when he V*ed. I also have been put off eating beef due to the last time I V* I was 12 and had eaten so much beef casserole. I put up with endless panic attacks and regular doctor visits not knowing what was causing my violent shaking, constant nausea for years until I was 19 and researched panic attacks. I knew I had some sort of panic disorder. I realised all my panic attacks were around the thought of V*. I then found emetophobia and realised instantly that was it! Every doctor I went to said I was being stupid and to just V* and I'll get over it. I wouldn't travel on trains, go to cinemas, go on holiday, go out for dinner, stay away from home or eat anywhere but home where I felt comfortable. I was like a hermit crab, not coming out of my shell or doing normal things that people my age do. I've never drunk, I'd always insist on driving. I really didn't have a life. I was then referred to CBT by my GP. It was all online in the comfort of my own home. I told them all about my symptoms but it didn't hit the phobia, just the panic attacks and I knew that if I didn't have the phobia my panic attacks would disappear completely. I finished the 12 sessions but still didn't feel comfortable. I needed something else.
I struggled on with my phobia, and to be honest was very close to giving up all together, I was so down, I lost my job, no money, no boyfriend. I had little or no support from my dad who I was living with at the time, He felt that I was attention seeking and making it all up. I had a lot of problems living where I was. I could normally hide my panic attacks very well and would rather be on my own then speak to anyone about it. The one time I had to have my stepmum calm me down because I was in such a bad way I got moaned at for it.
After this my panic attacks started to change, instead of shaking I'd start feeling very hot, panicky for no reason and I'd start gagging. These are different to what I call 'normal' panic attacks where I feel out of breath, heart pumping out of my chest etc, these types of panic I can deal with this as I know that it's just an attack. The difference I find with emetophobia attacks is I can't determine whether it's just panic nausea or actual nausea. I've never V*ed from this gagging episode but I sure as hell feel like I'm going to, I think this is what is so terrifying to me.
After this episode I decided to give CBT another go, this time was face to face, and it geniunely changed my life. These people understood my emetophobia, my panic attacks and my symptoms. I finally felt a sense of relief. The therapist tailored the therapy to suit my needs and I was thrilled.
The first session was about my symptoms, how I was feeling and what the course would consist of. The second session was slightly more difficult where she made me watch videos of people V* first without sound then with. starting off with quite mild going to extreme. I decided to start with videos from Jackass, a show that I love watching but could only watch from behind a cushion and with remote in hand ready to mute. This was very familiar territory to me which made me feel comfortable and motivated to carry on. I must have watched around 5 different videos and towards the end wasn't phased by it at all. I can now watch people on the TV V*ing without having to hide away. This was my first major breakthrough. I was calm, collected and felt great to finally be in control. The third session was so much more difficult where she'd brought in tubs of liquid that looked like V* in kidney basins (the ones you get in hospitals) I was terrified, starting at the other side of the room, starting to get closer and closer, eventually holding it in my hands, moving it from one bowl to the other. smelling it etc. This was so difficult for me, being so close to something that could have been, but again, felt so much more comfortable the more I was around it. CBT was constantly a challenge but I definitely was taken out of my comfort zone and I am so grateful for that otherwise I'd still be in the awful place I was before. I was also prescribed Fluxeotine which really did help with both my depression and panic attacks. I felt so much calmer and able to challenge myself step by step. I eventually started doing this that I couldn't do before, for example, went on the tube to London in October to watch Ed Sheeran, and I sat right at the back at the o2 where I would have shit a brick!! I was absolutely fine, no panic at all! Even on the busy train home, no panic at all!! I even went back to London the next day to see Matilda at the West End with my other half with my car an hour and a half away on the train. I felt completely fine. The only time I seem to get these attacks is when my OH comes with me to see my friends, does anyone else get this? I'm about to fly for the first time in over a year, with my OH and I am terrified it's going to happen while I'm away, I hate flying and especially being so far away from home with no escape plan. Has any emets travelled abroad? how do they cope? I'm tempted to take sleeping tablets before I get on the plane so I just fall asleep, wake up and I'm there. I've also got one anti-emetoc left so will take that on the plane just incase.
I used to take countless rennies, buying a new family pack every week. Thinking that this would help the sickness... it didn't. it would mask the symptoms for a while but not stop the phobia. I'd used to take so many tablets when I'd get an attack; an anti-emetic, gastro resistant tablet, paracetamol, ginger tablet, rescue remedy and night nurse (to eventually knck me out) I had such a problem, With CBT's help I cut out everything except my ginger and fluexotine. On verv rare occasions I'd take an anti emetic. (I now only have one left and the doctors refuse to prescribe me them.)
I recently had the flu/cold virus that was going around recently, I was in such a bad way. Shaking, aching, I couldn't get out of bed and my whole body hurt. I felt so nauseous I would have done anything to feel better. So I was so close to V* I was sat over the toilet and was so so close, I could smell and taste it and I remembered exactly how it felt to V*. To be honest, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It was over quickly and I felt so much better after. I think the reason I'm so emetophobic is because I just don't remember what it's like to V*, after this day, all my attacks disappeared, so it definitely helped as horrible as it was.
At this moment in time, I've had one panic attack since before christmas (when I had the bug), even spending xmas and 4 days after with my OH and his family. If anyone else has the gagging attacks please do get in touch. I'd love to know how you deal with it. I've actually started the elastic band trick - snapping it against your wrist hard until you focus on the pain rather than the attack, and it works, but keep going until it's completely gone. Trust me, it works, and it's supposed to hurt!
I hope this helps somebody else because I could have done with a post like this while I was going through it. I have definitely come a long way from where I started and I am so grateful to everyone that has helped and put up with me. My OH doesn't understand first hand what I go through but he is sympathetic and tries his best, even googled emetophobia which meant a lot to me.
Any tips from anyone would be greatly appreciated. :)