fallingstar
31-01-15, 01:02
I was really good for a long time with my panic attacks - the summer of 2014 was pretty calm for me and so was the winter before it. Back in April 2014 some stuff went down and I did have a relapse of sorts in panicking 24-7. I started taking xanax again and I was okay. I got better again. Then I decided after I started feeling better again to stop that. I was okay up until August, when I joined this site.
I haven't had pills to rely on for anxiety since the end of April 2014. I have had maybe 4 of them in the last year for serious serious panic attacks - I now have none left. Which brings me to being at work - and breaking down into cold sweats, being desensitized, feeling like my legs are jello, getting scared and nervous and looking for the nearest exit! This is my first job (and first job in 2 years) where I can't just take a pill to 'deal with it' (the anxiety or panic attack). It's really eye-opening for me - now I have to deal with it 100% on my own... the people, the pressure, the times I freak out at work yet can't leave. I do work at an overnight job - where I'm left alone almost all night so that's a plus - but customers do come in once in a while (24-7 super store) and I get checked up on 2 - 3 times per night by management and have occasional conversations with co workers. Sometimes even these interactions make me uneasy to be honest.
Sometimes I find myself getting lost in the middle of a conversation or staring blankly at whatever I'm stocking onto the shelves because I'm literally silently freaking out and I stop functioning basically in the task I'm doing. I've been told numerous times in the last week that I look awful or tired or upset or red in the face. I guess it's easy for others to tell that something's wrong - yet I hide it well in all other aspects aside from my face. Work was my "safe place" for a while by the way... as was anywhere outside of my home or when I'm alone... now it's not. I have a lot going on on the home front - and when I'm not alone at home or not just alone with my daughter it's very hard to cope and stay calm around the person that I unfortunately live with - but that's a whole nother novel and should be fixed my early summer at the latest as I'm working towards... might help my nerves a bit. I am considering medicine again for the 'what ifs' and the 'help i'm dying' moments I may feel at work or at school. School's been another place that has been setting me off.
I kind of feel like a failure at times; why can't I just tell myself 'these symptoms aren't harmful' or 'this will pass' or 'you're doing awesome for what you do already.'? Others believe in me - which means the world to me - and support me and make me smile everyday. I feel like something is seriously wrong with me - I'm happy because of having a wonderful person in my life for the last half year, for having a daughter, for having the opportunity to go to school for a career... but I'm still so anxious and feel like I'm not doing enough in life. I wish I could just shake the negative feelings - I'm not a negative person and I've been told I'm a joy to be around by older adults and I'm able to make someone else happy and my daughter happy - but why is it so hard to make myself happy? Just kind of down and out - I really want the attacks to get less and less again - they always subside for a good few months at random times in life... but when is that coming because it just doesn't feel soon enough! I want to be at that good leveled out state again... asap!
Sorry for the venting - it's been so long since I've written in here - about myself really.:scared15:
I haven't had pills to rely on for anxiety since the end of April 2014. I have had maybe 4 of them in the last year for serious serious panic attacks - I now have none left. Which brings me to being at work - and breaking down into cold sweats, being desensitized, feeling like my legs are jello, getting scared and nervous and looking for the nearest exit! This is my first job (and first job in 2 years) where I can't just take a pill to 'deal with it' (the anxiety or panic attack). It's really eye-opening for me - now I have to deal with it 100% on my own... the people, the pressure, the times I freak out at work yet can't leave. I do work at an overnight job - where I'm left alone almost all night so that's a plus - but customers do come in once in a while (24-7 super store) and I get checked up on 2 - 3 times per night by management and have occasional conversations with co workers. Sometimes even these interactions make me uneasy to be honest.
Sometimes I find myself getting lost in the middle of a conversation or staring blankly at whatever I'm stocking onto the shelves because I'm literally silently freaking out and I stop functioning basically in the task I'm doing. I've been told numerous times in the last week that I look awful or tired or upset or red in the face. I guess it's easy for others to tell that something's wrong - yet I hide it well in all other aspects aside from my face. Work was my "safe place" for a while by the way... as was anywhere outside of my home or when I'm alone... now it's not. I have a lot going on on the home front - and when I'm not alone at home or not just alone with my daughter it's very hard to cope and stay calm around the person that I unfortunately live with - but that's a whole nother novel and should be fixed my early summer at the latest as I'm working towards... might help my nerves a bit. I am considering medicine again for the 'what ifs' and the 'help i'm dying' moments I may feel at work or at school. School's been another place that has been setting me off.
I kind of feel like a failure at times; why can't I just tell myself 'these symptoms aren't harmful' or 'this will pass' or 'you're doing awesome for what you do already.'? Others believe in me - which means the world to me - and support me and make me smile everyday. I feel like something is seriously wrong with me - I'm happy because of having a wonderful person in my life for the last half year, for having a daughter, for having the opportunity to go to school for a career... but I'm still so anxious and feel like I'm not doing enough in life. I wish I could just shake the negative feelings - I'm not a negative person and I've been told I'm a joy to be around by older adults and I'm able to make someone else happy and my daughter happy - but why is it so hard to make myself happy? Just kind of down and out - I really want the attacks to get less and less again - they always subside for a good few months at random times in life... but when is that coming because it just doesn't feel soon enough! I want to be at that good leveled out state again... asap!
Sorry for the venting - it's been so long since I've written in here - about myself really.:scared15: