View Full Version : WILL I GET THROUGH THIS ALIVE?
[?]Hi all
I dont know were to start really, I guess I will start from what Ive just done. I'm recovering from an overdose of 180mg diazapan,23 sleepers and a drug called seriquil. I was found by my husband with a weekened heart, 999, resuss 3 times and interbated for 5 days.
This has been the biggest suicide attempt I have done, will it ever stop , I really don't know.
Brief outline of my life, loveless evil mother loving father.
Feelings of withdrawal lack of self estem and certainly no confidence, very sad lonely and unhappy child.Anoreria, Thoughts of suicide running away and putting myself into hospital for no reason to get away from the horrid people in my life.
Abused by family friend fro 9-14yrs. Course he picked on the weekest and threatened me. I was week and powerless.
left home at 16yrs to escape both issues.
Pregnant at 17yrs old but very happy wanted something to love and feel love back. my daughter is now 20yrs old.
Partner was a beater so left when daughter was 2yrs. He never wanted to see her again.
Stayed on my own, because I wanted to protect my daughter from abuse so was completely rapping her in cotton wool, no one was going to put her through the feelings I have suffered all my life.
My dearest father was diganosed with cancer 1995, I feel apart again.
unfortunately I meet a guy who at the time I thought was really ok, good to me and my daughter. He was a father so I assumed he had parenting skills. I judged him alot and allowed him into my daughters life because I was so protective.
My father died Feb 1996, really went to pieces and couldnt cope. The one person in the world that I knew loved me.
My daughter started to withdraw and struggled with her life, everyone put it down to her grandfathers death.
Eventually 12 months later my daughter took an overdose and was taken to hospital, I then discovered she had lost so much weight, layers of clothing helped to hide it . My daughter weighed 6 stone. Whilst in the hospital she lost another stone and was taken up country to an eating disorders unit. Five years later she came out after a very trumatic time trying to keep her alive, heart failure etc etc etc. Her lowest weight was 4 stone.
During the first year she was there I left my partner, he wasnt the person I thought he was, after 6 weeks I had to go back because the consultant looking after my daughter said if she found out she would blame her self and I could end up lossing her.
I hated every minute in his company.
When my daughter was well enough to cope I told her we were leaving, my god she couldnt pack her stuff fast enough.
We finally settled into a nice place together and start again.
Since my daughter was born I made sure no one would touch my daughter. August this year I found out that whilst my daughter was greiving her grandfather she was also enduring sexual abuse from my partner. Being abused myself, working with abused children and families I thought I would pick up the signs, why why why didnt I see it.
My daughter has gone to the police and he has been arrested, released on bail, in the mean time I have attacked him and caused damage to his property.
Since october I have been an informal patient at our local nut house for treatment. I feel dead I have no life left in me , my abuse has come back, Im full of anger and rage that I cannot let go of, very very low self estem and no confidence, wanting no one around me. Anorexia and sever self harm has taken its toll on my body and I cannot stop. The self harm is getting out of control and if Im not careful I will be sectioned.
How much more can one person take in there lives, do I really want it any more. I really dont know the answer to that. This is my first home visit since the overdose and it feels weird.
Even though I didnt know what was happening to my daughter I feel to blame and guilt, if only.
I have been diagnosed with post trumatic stress and borderline personality disorder, to me thats simply a fruit cake, a mad woman.
The drugs Im currently taking shuts my body and brain down, I have
Hi Smudgie,
I read your post and I wasn't fed up, if anything I thought what a strong brave woman you are.
Your life in lots of ways has mirored my own, fortunately my children have not endured the things that I have. I am so very sorry that your daughter has endured the things that she has.
What a difficult time for both of you!
I am also so very sorry that you felt there was nothing left for you, I have felt that way myself, lots of times.
However my mother commited suicide when I was nine, something I have never fully recovered from so I know the pain that is left behind, so that will never be an option for me.
Your daughter will forgive you, it might take some family counselling but together you will get there. She probably feels guilty about your recent attmpt. I am sure you feel guilty for the things that have happened to her but you are not to blame!!! She is not to blame!!!! the only blame lies with your ex.
Abusers are very skilled at appearing to be different people. they are manipulative and evil. You can't hold yourself responsible for his actions. All you can do is be there for your daughter an hopefully you can learn to heal together!
There are lots of wonderful members on this site and I can honestly say they have seen me through some of my darkest hours.
Feel free to PM or e-mail me if you wish, I wish there was more I could do to help you and your daughter but I will be there in any way that I can.
Hugs to you
Lynnann
Hi There
I can sympathise with you entirely i used to be married to a guy who i discovered after our divorce had abused my 2 boys when they were 7 and 10 he was taken to court and found not guilty (long story) my eldest son wont speak to me im not allowed to see my grandkids and i now have a criminal record thanks to him cos i sent posters to all his neighbours telling them what he did!!!!
try and keep yer chin up
luv kaz x x x
Hi Smudgie,
Big hugs coming your way. Here everyone is lovely and will never get fed up listening hun. xx
Take Care
Mandyxx
Hi Smudgie and welcome to NMP. Your daughter will come round but what you did is very difficult to deal with!!
My Dad tried to kill himself several times when i was growing up , to the extent that if i couldnt find him i would go to the local itu dept to see if he was there and he often was!! With my Mother already dead this was a lot to deal with. You have been a good Mum and your daughter needs you she will come back but shes in a world of pain right now!!
Take care Love Matilda
Southern_Belle
13-01-07, 23:00
Hi Smudgie,
You have certainly had more than your share of pain in your life. I am so glad that you did not succeed in your suicide attempt as I am sure your daughter is. I am sure you two will make peace, she is probably just upset with you right now as you would be with her if she had done the same thing. You absolutely cannot blame yourself for the abuse that she went through, only the abuser is to blame.
I do not think you are mad or crazy. I do think you are very angry and have every right to be after all you have been through. It seems to me, you need to try to do everything you can to get better to build a relationship with your daughter as she needs you now. She also will need counseling as now you know she has been abused. You two need each other and it seems like you have always been there for each other. I think you have been a great Mum and you need to somehow reach deep inside and 1) eat, 2) no self harming and 3) if you do feel suicidal call someone immediately.
You have found a great site here with so many who understand what you have been through. I hope things get better for you.
Love,
Belxx
"Our thoughts are our reality"
HI ALL
ID LIKE TO THANK YOU ALL FOR THE , SUPPORT AND WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT YOU HAVE ALL OFFERED ME. I HAVE CERTAINLY FOUND THE RIGHT PLACE TO AIR WHO I FEEL. I FELT SO ALONE AT THE MOMENT, BECAUSE I FEEL IM THE ONLY ONE.
I HAVE BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH PTSD AND NOW QUESTIONS ABOUT BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER, WHICH MATERIALISES FROM PTSD. IM AFRAID , I CANT CONTROL MY EMOTIONS AND GET OUT OF CONTROL.
THREE DAYS AGO I TOOK A CHEESE GRATER TO MY FACE AND DID SERIOUS DAMAGE BECAUSE IM SO UGLY AND WANT TO GET RID OF THE UGLY FACE AND GIVE CAUSE FOR PEOPLE TO BELEIVE IM UGLY.
IM BACK ON LAXATIVES AND EATING NOTHING.IT JUST GOES ON AND ON.
HOW LONG I WILL STAY AT HOME I DONT KNOW, I GUESS IT WILL BE WHEN I SEE THE CONSULTANT AND END UP BACK IN THE NUT HOUSE AGAIN.
THERE IS MORE TO THE SITUATION ABOUT MY DAUGHTER AND I BUT IM FINDING THAT HARD TO SAY, I HAVE SOME DOUBTS ABOUT WHAT SHE HAS SAID DUE TO INCONSISTANT STORIES, WHICH IS HURTING ME LIKE MAD. ALSO THE RELATIONSHIP WITH HER REAL DAD HAS BEEN GOING ON BEHIND MY BACK AND SHE TREATS HIM BETTER THAN ME.
MY DAUGHTER HAS HIGH ATTENTION DISORDER FROM THE ANOREXIA SO LIFE IS HARD BECAUSE I DONT BELEIVE HALF OF WHAT SHE SAYS, LIKE I WENT TO INDIA IN MARCH, 4 DAYS IN TO THE TRIP I PHONED HER AND SHE TOLD ME SHE HAD CANCER, I PANIC AND CAME HOME, IT WAS A LIE.
I WATCHED HER ATTEMPT SUICIDE 3 TIMES AND STARVING HERSELF TO DEATH BUT I NEVER TURNED MY BACK.
IM VERY PLEASED I CAN WRITE WHAT I WANT TOO WITHOUT FEELING JUDGE OR QUESTIONED.
THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME FEEL WELCOME.
I THOUGHT ONCE I WAS STRONG BUT THE FIGHT HAS GONE IN ME.
TAKE CARE ALL AND THANK YOU
SMUDGIE
NESS
ness
THANK YOU FOR YOUR KIND WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT AND SUPPORT, IT HELPS.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Hi Smudgie,
I read your post and I wasn't fed up, if anything I thought what a strong brave woman you are.
Your life in lots of ways has mirored my own, fortunately my children have not endured the things that I have. I am so very sorry that your daughter has endured the things that she has.
What a difficult time for both of you!
I am also so very sorry that you felt there was nothing left for you, I have felt that way myself, lots of times.
However my mother commited suicide when I was nine, something I have never fully recovered from so I know the pain that is left behind, so that will never be an option for me.
Your daughter will forgive you, it might take some family counselling but together you will get there. She probably feels guilty about your recent attmpt. I am sure you feel guilty for the things that have happened to her but you are not to blame!!! She is not to blame!!!! the only blame lies with your ex.
Abusers are very skilled at appearing to be different people. they are manipulative and evil. You can't hold yourself responsible for his actions. All you can do is be there for your daughter an hopefully you can learn to heal together!
There are lots of wonderful members on this site and I can honestly say they have seen me through some of my darkest hours.
Feel free to PM or e-mail me if you wish, I wish there was more I could do to help you and your daughter but I will be there in any way that I can.
Hugs to you
Lynnann
<div align="right">Originally posted by Lynnann - 13 January 2007 : 02:51:15</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
ness
Hi Smudgie!
Let me start with saying what an incredible woman you are! Excuse my language but a whole lot of s**t happened to you throughout your life and you are holding up so strong! I think if you just keep posting, it will help you because here NOBODY is judged! There are other incredible people here that can relate to you and will help you enormously by providing compassionate support and guidance in the darkest of times!
I don't know if its any help to you, but I think your daughter might just be in an age when she would anyway feel resentment towards you even if you didn't attempt suicide. I remember I had a rocky relationship with my mum between 15-18 and I had no reason to resent her I just did, it came with my age. When I turned into a young adult from a teenager I felt guilty for it, but now I understand it is just part of being a teen!
She surely has a whole lot of issues on her plate as well and she makes her own choices, but she probably loves you very much deep down but doesnt know or want to show it and probably she would like some affection but doesn't wanna show it or ask for it. That's how it was with me anyway at her age.
Please pm me anytime you want to just get things off your shoulders :) I have huge Dumbo ears for listening ;)
hugs to you xxx
Smudgie,
There's not much I can say or do other than to tell you you're in my thoughts.
Hang in there. You can't fix your past. You can't change what's happened. But you can and do control the future.
Like I said, hang in there. If you wanna chat, PM me.
After reading your story that would test anyone to the limit, I can only admire your strength and courage. My heart goes out to you.:hugs:
I'm not sure that there are any words that could possibly console you after all the terrible things you've suffered so I feel I can only do one thing which is to send you "hugs".:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
I have been through a few things which led me to self harm and take overdoses because I could see no future until I realised that not everyone is the same and that things can improve.
In the time I've been here I have discovered that there are So many people on here who have Huge hearts and So much love and comfort to give, and yet just like yourself, they feel "ugly" which is So sad.
You will meet some Lovely people here and they will welcome you with open arms asking for nothing in return.
I sincerely hope that you have reached the bottom as I once did, but from now on with support from people on here, it's time for only love, comfort and happiness to come into your life because no one could deserve those things more. :hugs:
Hi Smudgie,
I'm Sarajane and all my love and support comes to you from little ol' me all the way over in Australia.
PLEASE. . . Listen to what everyone else has said please.
Bill also mentioned about hitting rock bottom, well I believe you have now reached this place, and we are all here to offer you our hands of support to pull you out OK.
This is a new day and a brand new start for you today.
You have been very brave to open up to us all, it shows me that you are reaching out for help, well we are all here to help you on your new journey to health and inner contentment.
Please, please, please never attempt suicide again please. My eldest sister killed herself over 20 years ago when her children were only, 6yrs, 9yrs and 12yrs old. I understand now why she did it, she wasn't in any state of mind to think about anyone else at the time, all she thought about was ending the pain she was in, but the devastation she has left behind, that is still going on even today with her children is devastating. If she only knew how her suicide would be affecting everyone 20 years later, I know she would still be with us today. Lynnann lost her mum when she was nine years old and like she says, the ones you leave behind never recover.
When your father died your daughter was only eight years old, I think her problems may have started due to her young age and not knowing how to help you, she could see you were devastated with his death and not coping, but she didn't know how to fix you.
Twelve months is a very long time for an eight year old to be living with a parent who isn't coping, and in her mind you 'should have been looking after her'. To her, and all children by the way, we as parents are supposed to be at their beck and call 24/7 even if we are on our death beds. The world is supposed to revolve around them in their minds. So for her to take the overdose and to have lost all this weight was just her way of saying, "Hey mum, I'm here and I need you".
Now you can't blame yourself today, for what happened back then, when you weren't available to your daughter, or wish you had been the mum she would have liked you to be.
The past is the past! It's gone, we can't change that now, OK.
What we can to do now though, is change the future and show your daughter that you can get well and slowly over time become the mum she wished you were all those years ago. You have to be strong and get well then your daughter will start to respond to you in more positive ways as she sees you become her mum again, the one she remembers from when she was 8 years old.
Your daughter knows by having a relationship with her father this is hurting you, this is why she is doing it, to get your attention and to also try to make you fight for her.
Remember when we were young and did everything we could that we were told not to do, because we wanted the control over our parents plus it's the kids job to push, and push and push the limits. But it's our job as parents to accept everything about them - good and bad - and love them regardless.
Maybe if you can accept that your daughter is seeing her father and try to be happy for her, it will be hard, but he is her father and because she has contact with him it doesn't mean that you have to see him, plus because she now has love for her father doesn't mean that she doesn't love you.
Your daughter loves you more than you realize, because if she didn't none of the things that have happened in both your pasts would have even happened. You know the saying 'We always hurt the one's we love'. Well it's true, because no one even bothers wasting their energy on people that don't give a toss about. . .right!
We have to move on from the past, put it into the filing cabinet where it belongs, "PAST".
We are moving onto a new strong healthy you, the one you remember was there years ago, well she's still in there, you just have to move the 'PAST' filing cabinet aside, and let her get out.
I want you to type out loads of positive affirmations, like -
'All is well in my world',
'I am getting stronger every day',
'I love and accept myself',
'I create positive change'.
I want you to place these on every wall in your house, on your fridge, in the toilet and any other place that you can find.
I have mine all around my TV cabinet so whenever I'm watching TV, I'm also reinforcing these positive messages into my brain. I also painted a blackboard on the back of the toilet door, so every day I put a new affirmation up so we all can benefit.
We have to have hope, and you do remember life before all of this started, and how nice things brought joy into your life, so now we will get you strong and onto this new path in life. It wont be long and you and your daughter will become stronger and closer than you've ever imagined.
Love
Sarajane
:hugs: :hugs:
Hi
Thank you for taking the time to write. Im lost for words really, firstly Bill thank you for your kindness of soft words and encouragement, yes my life has been hell and its very hard. I feel Im in the middle of a huge lake treading water but can never reach that bank and walk away.
My daughter has decided to leave my life, which she decided last October. we have had no contact since, Ive tried to but she won't have it.
I just wait and give her the time and perhaps one day she will come back, I cant force her and I won't its not right. I just let her know eah week I'm here and always will be.
PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder, people don't realise how damaging this illness is. It's not depression or feeling sorry for yourself it's actually a Mental health illness that will stay with you all your life, especially the BPD.
making someone feel guilty and asking them not to hurt them selves and others is very damaging and can cause the person to harm more because you create guilt.The illness is very complex and has to be treated with drugs to keep the person alive, i have to have carers everyday. What people don't understand when you have this condition is that you are not in control you don't actually know you are doing what you are doing until after.
I disocciate, a term which means your brain shuts down and within that time you are capiable of doing anything. you get mad frenzy attacks that create a multitude of problems.
Your dosed up to the eye balls with drugs, I have to take 8 types of drugs a day, whih is given to me daily, I'm not allowed to have control, so you see it's not that easy.
if I could change my life I would and I'm trying to beat this illness that has been created because of life truma. I really don't want to be BPD.
You get all the support in the world, if you have a good team looking after you, because the illnesss is so damaging.
It's not the past I'm struggling with it's the illness th\t I'm left with now.
yes I see the past everyday but I can't feel it beause of the drugs.
Take care
ness
Sometimes these say more than words can ever offer. Sometimes comfort can only be felt in one way. Sometimes these are what we need most to feel better.
So instead of sending words, I'll simply send these to show that there are people who Do empathise and care about others so never feel alone..................
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
Sending you lots of hugs Ness :hugs:
I really feel for what you are going through. My situation is very different in any ways but also similar in some - the self harm, the anorexia, the hospital admissions and threats of section. I feel very powerless at times because they always hold the 'trump card' - the threat of section and I feel I have no say over how to live my life.
Anyway, I hope you are safe today. I hope you find some peace and know that we are with you.
Karen xx
Hi
Thank you all for your replies.
karen its lovely to hear from you again and bill thank you.
Karen your so right about the trump card, it's waved in your face everytime you say the wrong thing, I'm sure the door to the room at the unit has my name on it just in case.
it makes you feel your not trusted.
I'm safe at the moment and glad I plucked the courage up to come back.
Take care
nessxxx
Hello Ness,
I just wanted to say one thing...............
I'm Glad you're Safe because people on here like me and Karen value and care about you so please never feel alone because we're thinking of you! Sending you more............:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
Hi
Today Ive sat and thought about what has really happened to me, tears rolling down my face and thinking what the hell are you doing.
Life isnt getting any better for me, I take so much meds its stupid and what for nothing is changing. I still feel the same pain, PAIN and more pain, you go beyond having your heart broken and there isnt words that express what it actually feels like.
Sorry Im just feeling sorry for my self , CPN tomorrow and I know I will give her what for, 3 missed appointments in a row and I get told I must not miss apts, she dosnt turn up, my hubby phones her and shes too busy to see me, ring the emergency number if you need help with her.
THANK YOU.
They keep you in tow by saying if you dont do as your ask you will be remitted, so you stick two fingers up and selfharm, not sure if its like playing a game really. Ive seemed to have got in to a hole but thats been my life really, its all I know.
My hubby tries so hard with me , he says about the "adult,parent, child " thing. That I respond as a child because thats the way I dealt with issues in the past, I can say he is right, Ive thought about it and react by throwing the rattle out the pram but how do you change.
Gosh, Im sorry Im going on and on.
thank you everyone for your mail, Im glad Im back.
xxxxxxx
I'm glad you're back too!:hugs:
When we feel in so much pain, when life feels full of hurt, is it then not normal to want help to heal us to take all our pain away?
If we suffer a physical illness or have a fall so we're in pain, don't we cry out for attention then too?
When we suffer physical pain, it can reduce us to tears because the pain can feel so unbearable so then why shouldn't we feel the same with mental pain alone?
So what's the difference? Why shouldn't we throw the rattle out because we want to feel better?
Just because the pain is hidden in our minds, it doesn't mean that the pain can feel any less.
When we need a doctor to heal us, they are there so why shouldn't we gat annoyed when a cpn lets us down 3 times in a row?
If a cpn can't get out to see my wife, they can find someone to cover. We shouldn't have to push but I feel if we don't cry out for help then they don't treat us as a priority. The old saying, he who shouts loudest gets heard. I think they have such a lack of resources that they often visit who they feel is a priority even when others need help just as much.
I would ring the emergency number and keep ringing the number to be such a nuisance that they Have to do something to help. That's what I used to do for myself when I was ill and before that for my wife when I couldn't cope. We shouldn't have to but I find it works.
This doesn't just apply to mental problems. I know someone with influence who told me they know of a carer who has "everything" they need to support them and they added, it's because they made themselves a pain in the butt to the authorities!
I know sometimes an individual cpn can simply be overworked or called out to emergencies but I hope you Do give those in charge "what for" because No one in pain, whether physical OR mental should be allowed to suffer!!!
If we push for help in the "right" way, i.e. shouting for support, that shows we're "low risk" then I can't see how they can use the threat of sectioning. You just need to keep crying out for the support you're entitled to that you need to keep well. I would and I'd willingly push them For you!
You'll always have our love and support.:hugs: xxx
What a brave and strong lady you are!!! you are your daughters rock as she was yours, and still is...
I have to go doctors now, but i shall reply again to your letter...
Take note, people do care, and YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME!
See you soon HelenS
Ps, my msn messenger is if you ever want to chat...
Hi Ness
How are you doing? :hugs:
Unfortunately I have had similar experiences to you and I agree with you that the system is wrong. I too have been in the position where I've been expected to 'do as they say' or face being sectioned or hospitalised again. It is especially frustrating when they don't keep to what they say they will do to support you.
I agree with Bill that keep asking for help until someone listens is a way of showing that you are low risk and avoids talk of sectioning. There are ways of eventually stopping appointments with mental health teams with their agreement if that's what you want in time too. I'm negotiating this at the moment because they know they can't touch me.
I hope you are doing ok :hugs:
Karen xx
Hi there,
Not a lot to say only - long may you survive, for a better example of someone who has been there - done it - been pulled from the brink and still been able to carry on, I do not think we have in any of the other posts I've read. My first suicide attempt was following abuse at the early age of 12, another followed about three years later, whence my 'saviour' appeared in the form of the guy who started the Samaritans when he came and spoke at our school; it was an adult event but being excused games I got to listen to the guy's speech and afterwards went up to him and admitted that I had attempted to 'end it all' on several occasions and the reasons why.
He never judged or condemned me; just held me in his arms and let me stay there for a good while till I had stopped sobbing. 'Next time,' he said caringly, 'call this number', and he handed me a SAMS card. Not that I was expecting there would be a "next time" but there was, after I was sexually abused at 19. However motiviating a response to the urge was something stronger than any of the previous attempts = the public "shamefulness" of others knowing through a press release. There really was no place to run to - and definitely - no place to hide! I took meticulous measures to ensure that all was set for the attempt; newspapers cancelled, my work vehicle booked for service.... oh, the things I did to ensure that no-one would be alarmed by my absence from work. I rang in and told my assistant mngr that I would be aways for at least a week; the day before I visited my folks, just to be sure that they knew me to be alright and of sound mind. Boy, what a pretence I put in place, it even fooled me into feeling better.
I remember the diazepam and the whisky and little else: the rest remains a total blank. "They should prosecute these bas*****, wasting our time and people's expertise...." was heard out of a fog into which I lapsed again. It had been the voice of the policeman who was guarding the trolley in the hospital corridor. I supposed that years before, I woud have been jailed for an attempt on my life!?!
The nurses carried on with their work as if I was an ordinary patient and not the individual rushed in by ambulance, having been found unconscious by the postman. (I'll skip the rest of my time in hospital, for it follows a regular pattern.)
Home again, I was watched night and day by my folks and by friends recruited to the task of watching over me; later I was to be seen by a man with an awesome reputation as a Psychiaitric pioneer, and placed on his lists for a new method of psychotherapy just imported from the USA.
The outcome of this was ironical for it put me on the way to becoming the psychotherapist I was until a stroke took me in the late 90's. Though one man I will never forget was that cleric who visited the school; the man behind the Samaritans. So keep on keeping on, fellow survivor.... you'll get there some day and that day will be a wonderful one for you will still be breathing and be thrilled with life! Mystically yours.....
Hi Smudgie.
I have no experience in anything you have gone through....but you are in my thoughts and heart.
I believe you are an amazingly strong woman for what you have endured in your life and frimly believe you will get through this. Your daughter and yourself have a very happy life together ahead of you.
You are here now so are safe.
xx
hi smudgie, i was just going through some of the threads and come across yours and although i have posted to u before and read some of yours i never realised quite just how much u have been through but also what a strong brave women you are and i just wanted to give u a hug xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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