Over whelming episodes of fear

[Ollie28]

No trigger
No warning
Suddenly a over whelming shot of intense fear so bad it's hurt and I'm left feeling like I'm going crazy and can't cope. I've never had anything like that since the night my body went it to this state. It's so intense I'm in severe head pain
Not sure what's going on with my body but I can't cope no more my symptoms are to intense and persistent I'm becoming suicidle I honetly can't take much more being stuck in this state I'm in.

I use to get upset at this thought but I can't cope no more with what I'm going through I can't see any other way out, I'm living in a trapped painful place my body won't reset back to me - I've been stuck in this "place" 24/7 13 months solid and I can't cope no more.

I love my kids and wife dearly I miss them I miss life I miss my self where am I and how do get out of this place I'm in? I'm becoming desperate to feel and think normal I'm fed up of suffering

[Lyn89]

Hi Ollie,

It sounds rotten and I know you've been stuck with this a while but I don't know a lot about what you've tried, so maybe ill come up with more advice if I ask :)

1. Did you try looking into changing GP or seeing a private one to look over your case with new eyes?

2. Have you tried any kind of talking therapy? Or meds?

3. When you go to A&E do you go to the same one or have you tried different ones so you can get a second opinion?

[Ollie28]

Hi lyn,

My current gp I changed to because I thought my last gp wasn't helping enough, I'm finding this one I'm at is worse.

Therapy wise I've seen 2 therapists both didn't understand my symptoms and said they can't help me. I seen a private one who again said he's never seen anyone like me in the 20 years of being a psychotherapist. I'm lost! I'm scared I'm stuck like I am for ever I never feel normal and I can't cope.

Meds wise I took 1 week of diazeapam that didn't really do much as I'm not having panicky attacks.
I've tried citalapram for 2 months with no effect
I've tried trazadone for 2 months
Also pragabalin for 1 month I was really bad on these I could not feel my body or swallow food my tongue was numb.
I'm currently taking duloxatine 3 months now 60mg
No medication has even slightly alterd what I'm going through.

I've been a & e twice both to the same hospital I could of been a lot more but would not allow my wife to call an ambulance - I've been in so much pain in my head at the back I've been on the floor crying and screaming in pain - but it feels like I'm fighting my own body and mind to keep my sanity as if I'm having my brain power pulled from me and Im trying to keep my sanity it's terrible. I'm having terrible terrible nerv pain so bad I shake and quiver with it.

I can't do anything at all anything other than nothing puts me in pain and confusion and I'm stuck like this in a state of nothing but pain, lost awareness, confusion and emotionless

Feels like my thoughts and actions are not linked as if I'm not taking things in 24/7 so I'm not satisfied something has just happend so I can't recall things litrally I can't.

Feels to me my body is trapped in some sort of state of shock or something - I tink I akways have had anxiety problems in terms of worry over nothing but never really bothers to take notice I just thought it was normal - when my wife left me I couidnt deal with it, I couidbt take it for 4 months 24/7 I was a mess huge amount of anxiet daily pure fear and panick and worry over and over
So much went on I just couidbt cope of the thought of life without her and my children, in the end I started to break but this is now how I'm left.
I'm not sure if it even has anything to do with it or maybe it does I'm that bad I can't figure anything out no more other than I'm really really struggling and I'm getting worse.

Some of the things I have happen are just not possible to live with no more
Ild understand if I was having episodes and able to live some sort of life but I'm stuck like this 24/7 in pain and feeling nothihg at all me just a confused painful miserable person with no outeards thoughts feeling or ideas,

My dr says its just depression so why all the pains and episodes of siezure like things? Why do I feel like I do like I'm no body no more, why is my memory so so bad.

I've begged him to help me I'm begging everyone I see but no one seems to know what's happend to me.

---------- Post added at 20:11 ---------- Previous post was at 20:00 ----------

I've never been the Drs in my life before this other than having a blood clot on my lung -
I'm a 20st 6ft2 boxer and a proud man that never really bothered unless its serious if I wasn't struggling I really wouldn't bother but I'm really really bad, I have episodes of bad balence and co ordination sometimes I feel like I'm going to trip over - I struggle to write I kind of slurry writing and miss spell as if my thoughts arnt Connected to what it is I'm writing it's horrible - I can't explain things no more I get mixed up and slir words and get confused what I'm trying to say. Every now and then il feel like I have a bit more brain power and can do things more easy and less effort! Then next thing I could be in agony confused barley able to talk and think at all

[Heenimoana]

First of all I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through, although my symptoms of anxiety are not quite as gruelling as yours seem, I do know that things take time. You say that you were on citalopram for 2 months, I am currently on those and although I haven't seen the best results it is recommended you stay on them for atleast 3 months before seeing and feeling the changes, and then a further 3 months to prevent things from getting worse than they were prior to taking them. (your doctor shouldn't have allowed you to change medications) I haven't tried any other medication but I do recommend you give it a little more time before going on anything else.

Second of all, positivity.. although it seems impossible to think of anything positive you need to do it, tell yourself that you can get through it, that you will overcome it and that you won't let it take over your life. It's easier said than done but put it in to practice, even if it sounds completely stupid.. Don't give up hope

I say this because I'm experiencing what you are, and I've noticed that the more I worry, the more I stress over it, and the more I focus on the bad things happening to me it gets worse.

[Ollie28]

Morning,

Thanks for posting
I honestly feel like have no choice - I cant think straight so my thoughts are worthless it feels - I just have to go with what ever I have power wise - I've had litrally nothing to the point I've lay on my bed and been in so much pain I can't even process any power to count in my head to 5

I can't picture my kids in my mind I can't picture anything when in this state I'm stuck in.

I just feel so lost and un certain about who I am and what my life is anymore.

I can't seem to get away or out of it and feel how I did all my life.

I'm trying my hardest it I'm running out of fight I'm becoming tired low and I look like ive died.

I don't have any sort of life no more I'm just constantly stuck in this place feeling of confusion and struggle.

Last night I had to wake my wife again I couldn't move my body was numb and i felt like my body has been drained of blood or something my head felt all empty and strange - something isn't right. Can anxiety course so much struggle and pain stuck in a constant 24/7 place of lostness and confused? I physically feel the effects of trying to concentrate to much it makes the pain worse the confusion worse and awareness worse.
It's really intense I can't think at all other than who I am.

It's feels like I'm making things up as I go along like I'm acting my day out with no feelings or awarness to anything just lost empty and thoughtless feeling strange and not in control.

Not sure what to do anymore tbh hoping ild be better or living some sort of normality by now after 13 months solid of this I'm not sure I can carry on living this life much more.

We're have I gone - I want to feel me again normal and just move on with my life mentally & physically

Thanks again x

[Lyn89]

I think there is an element of anxiety here, but I really would press someone to conduct tests for these seizure like symptoms. The usual treatment for anxiety don't seem to be working for you, so common sense suggests there may be other elements at work. If it takes changing a GP a third time then so be it. You need to go in and forget all the rest of this: just say I think I'm having seizur es. You'd be hard pressed to find a GP who will ignore that. Bend the truth a little if you have to, just get those tests

[Ollie28]

Hi,

Litrally out of mind power after another horrible day in work, I felt about 50% thismorning that's 50% able to think & realise and feel ect, I arrived at the house I was working at and within 10 minutes I was struggling - litrally didn't know where I was what i was ment to be doing I just keep have to remind myself, the pains were there I'm barley able to talk proper and in sense.

I worked through the best I could with what brain power & awarness I had sat to take a minute to eat my lunch - I took half an hour to just take in my surroundings, noises, and calm myself down because why in the state I'm stuck in i physically or mentally can't do this at all no matter how hard I try.

I calmed myself to the point I was nice and relaxed and yes it does help I'm able to concentrate and think a bit clearer even take in my surrounding and sort of feel it but I still don't feel 100% I still can't think as good as I used to and the pains still there.
I returned back to work and it's messed up!! Anything other than sat still causes my body and nurves to go in to some sort of overload - my body starts to tense up the pain get bad in my head my clarity goes to pretty much 10% I'm struggling to remember to remeber in just totally in a mess with nothing but pain confusion no clarity struggle to produce a thought of anything other than ME, my brain feels like it's drained of blood the pains is terrible.

I finished that job and basically was struggling at the end to talk to the client I was struggling to even find what it was that needed to be said if I remembered.

I left and went back to my office - I couldn't work out were I was or how to get to where I needed to go to get back I just feel like my minds blank or locked and I feel not with it and confused with minimal mind power.
I made it back and again I took the time to calm myself why driving, I arrived back at the office and within 1 minute of been asked a question I felt it happening again i started to get in pain i couldn't work out what was happening I was confused I feel weak and not sure what I'm doing or saying, anything that takes a little concentration sends my body in to some sort of siezure panic crazy thing I can't control it and I havnt a clue what to do I'm stuck like this and it'd horrible.

Anyway I was asked to do a small job on my way home again I struggled to work out where I needed to go but I got there. I sat outside the house and tried to put my body in some sort of state where I can think a bit so I tried to calm down took a few moments and went in, I had to fix a fire again I was struggling and in pain I couldn't take nothihg in in the room I jyt feel 1000 miles away anyways I fixed it and left barley able to say good by and know what I was doing,
I got back in my van and again tried to calm my mind and body down to a state I can try to drive 30 miles home in, I sat there for 30 mins looking at pictures of my kids on my phone I started to get upset I miss them so much I can't cope with what I'm going through 24/7. I managed to get some mind power and calmest back and left. Within 15 minutes i was gone, thinking all sorts of crap I can't control my thoughts like I'm detached from my own thoughts. My moods too are really really bad one minute il be happy the next il be angry then il be having thoughts of suicide I can't bare this then I'm leaving my family then I'm questioning it all why am I thinking like this its not me it's not what I want like my thoughts arnt mine and I'm battling my own mind. I know when I'm calm I can think a bit more rational and I can feel rational, when in the state I'm in I can't at all!! I can't work things out I can't do anything but struggle, it's not very ofthen I'm out of this state.

I've had times where I've suddenly "clicked" out of it 100% and I feel emotion and I can think so clear I can feel my thoughts I can feel life then it starts to go my body goes back in to this state with no trigger.

The other week I suddenly snapped back to how I've felt all my life !! - I felt normal, it lasted 15 - 20 mins then again I felt the sensations starting and the pains coming and I end up back in this state of detachment and confusion can't think or feel rational!

I don't know what's happebd to my body but it's far from nice.

[Cherryade]

You have a responsible job and despite the turmoil that is going on inside you, you are able to do it competently. You are obviously coming across to the clients as being able and competent otherwise your boss would be inundated with complaints about your work. And he is not. If your boss thought you were a danger to the public or yourself, he would not send you out on jobs. All that is a bonus. The fact that you are able to calm yourself down is another bonus.
Go back to your doctor, taking any of this that you have written here and sit down and discuss with him the way forward. Book a double appointment if necessary so you will have enough time. Take your wife/partner with you so the doctor can see it from her point of view. As you say, you cannot go on like this. Ask for at least a referral to the mental health team and discuss medication. There are lots of helpful drugs on prescription although it may take a while to get the right one for you.
Good luck!

[Ollie28]

Hi cherryade,

My boss knows there's something not right with me he had me in his office last week asking if I was ok I lied and said im fine he knows I'm not though, I know I'm not obviously, I'm close to quitting my career I'm that bad but I keep thinking about my children and how would we financially cope - the bottom line is we couldn't and I'm to proud to watch us struggle especially when I feel not part of there life's and hopeless but then again I'm so I'll I keep telling myself i have no choice I'm litrally living day by day.

I know my problem is anxiety related but my other problem is its so intense I can't cope with how I feel I'm stuck it's so intense medication isn't touching it.

I'm doing some stupid things because I can't work out rationally how to do it im stuck like this.

I've noticed crying lifts away the feeling and Im able to think a little clearer and feel a bit more open problem is I don't stay like this within a few minutes I feel it trigger and I go back in to this place My body constantly stuck in,

Possibly psychological? I don't know what to do no more
My dr is a pile of shite I'm gettin fed up of him, he's already told me there's no cure for what I have yet medication isn't helping so what do I do?

Thanks
Ollie xxxx

[JMA]

Depending on funds, you could always go for a private consultation to see if there is a physical/neurological cause for the some of these symptoms.

...be expensive, tho.

As an aside, anxiety is an odd thing. It really can throw out the strangest symptoms.

[Heenimoana]

I received some advice from someone on here, who advised me to maybe look for a GP who specialises in anxiety and depression. Maybe see a counsellor, I would also advise you to take it easy. This is an exhausting thing to go through, physically and mentally. It sounds as if you are burning yourself out. I understand that working is a very important thing, but at the same time so is your health, be honest with your boss ask if you're able to take a little time off work. Your mental stability is very important, although you seem able to communicate with clients well I know you don't feel as if you are. I really do hope you pull through what you're going through. We are all here for you

[Ollie28]

Thanks heenimoana that means a lot to me because I feel so lonely like I'm never going to get out of this.

Regarding funds I don't have any savings were living on what we currently earn.
I'm due to see a neurologist in 5 weeks time.

I'm in so much pain as I type it feels like the left side of my head is being squashed. I've had so much pain today. It feels like I've got a knife stuck right through the top and Middle of my head down through the middle of my brain stopping me from thinking nornal - stopping my mind from opening up and allowing me to think outeards and free - if I try to think outwards it makes the pain worse as if I can feel the part of my brain trying to work the harder I try the worst it gets. It's like I'm trying to think outwards on manual and I'm pushing open my brain to think outwards when I do I can feel my brain trying the pain is immense I can only do it for a few seconds then I have to stop. When I stop it's as if im letting go and I go back inwards not able to think straight. the longer I try the harder it becomes and the more pains and feelings I get - it feels as if I've no blood in the back of my brain it's all at the front then when I consciously use the front of my head to tell myself to think about normal things I or anyone else would Im pushing blood to the back of my head trying to think outwards but it physically hurts, a change in subject I think physically hurts I feel everything my brain is doing, I've been talking to clients and friends or family and because I'm trying to just have a normal conversation and listen and reply ect it feels like my brains pushing outwards my body is pushing outwards as I talk and try to listen it's as if again blood is pushing my mind and body open but it won't open up my mind is locked inward my body and head start to shake as if I'm at my limit the pain is immense I have to stop and let my body go back inwards again to basically I can't think or feel outwards I can only talk to myself in my own head and that's all I have and all I posses.....
This isn't right? I've no control over it im stuck like this constantly it's breaking me! 8-(

[lisa0406]

Hey Ollie,
how are you holding up? x