Alice1
04-02-15, 23:27
So this past year (as many of you know) I have been consumed with death and disease.
Even yesterday I posted on this forum worried about cancer.
I am not convinced all the symptoms I am getting are not caused by a serious illness. They might be, they might not be. I have a doctors appointment next Tuesday, and until then I guess I just don't know.
But I've decided I have had enough.
I read a post earlier about how a young girl, my age, got bowel cancer, didn't tell her family, then lost her father and brother in a car accident.
I'm sure there are many many more stories like this and it just shocked me out of my self absorbed pity party a bit.
It's difficult dealing with unpleasant symptoms, and it's very difficult dealing with anxiety and disease, or even both at the same time. But then life seems to be proven to be a difficult thing to live with. And I feel that I am wasting my time to the nth degree repeatedly misunderstanding it's worth and it's nature worrying about the chance of getting an illness, of dying and of the people around me suffering. I'm fed up of myself I guess. I've got tired of myself and of my fears and as everyone seems to be telling me, the only way to stop feeling like this is to stop fearing. I think I've realised that fear to the extent that I am experiencing it it so incredibly useless it's actually detrimental.
I looked up some statistics (aren't statistics fun) and found that 161,823 people died of cancer in 2012 in the UK compared to 499,331 total deaths (in England and Wales).
Which I guess means that I'm pretty likely to get cancer... and die from it?!
Well obviously, no... but also yes. I eat tremendously healthy, now exercise at least 3 times a week and have never smoked. Also I'm 19 and female. In 2012 509 females aged 5-19 died in the UK. This increased to 1,690 female deaths in 2012 for people aged 20-34 and... 165,737 female deaths in 2012 for people aged 80+.
Which obviously makes sense and proves that likelihood of cancer deaths increase as people age. But then likelihood of death also increases as we age, kind of just by default.
It's said that 1 in 4 people will get cancer in their lifetime. And although the likelihood is slim while I'm young, it is there, regardless. As is dying from a car crash. From a freak accident. From anything.
I think I definitely focus on myself too much, and have such a wrong attitude to illness and death that is definitely unhealthy. The fact I could get any illness, or even have cancer currently is irrelevant, it's my mind and attitude to things that is important.
If I have cancer now. If I get cancer in ten years. If I never get cancer but die in a car crash. It really won't change anything about the state of the world. 509 5-19 year olds died in 2012 and I was completely oblivious until 3 hours ago. I'm not mourning for them. I'm not in a state of panic for them. I'm not affected because they're not me.
It doesn't really make sense that I should be worried so much about myself either really. What is going to happen if I die or get cancer? Really not a lot.
I guess part of it is fear of the unknown. Cancer seems scary, but our cells divide every day and make thousands of mistakes. It's no wonder cancer happens. We're walking miracles. Cancer doesn't know what it's doing, it's just some an overgrowth of cells, and I guess when you think about it like that, it's a lot less scary.
Someone said to me yesterday, completely unrelated to my situation, 'there are worse things in the world than pain', and it struck a chord. There are definitely worse things in the world than pain and cancer and illness and death, and personally I would say one of those worse things is being in a frame of mind that already feels like you're in hell, trapped in your own mind and unable to get out of a cycle of fear and depression and despair. That's suffering.
In this country the NHS is forever at my disposal. I have friend, family, access to sites like this where I can talk to like minded people. Good food, good living conditions. Enjoyments and the freedom to do as I wish and say what I like. I forget this continuously and dwell on what I might or might not have. What might or might not happen. On the future. On myself. And I never appreciate fully how wonderful my life was and is.
This has been long and rambly, but I thought if I plague you all with my anxiety and fear, I might as well put down my occasional good thoughts too. Because I am tired of being sad and stressed and form now on I'm going to try my hardest to be happy and calm.
For the sake of no-one and for the outcome of nothing, but just because there's absolutely no reason not to be.
Easier said than done, or perhaps in reality really just as easy as it is said.
Even yesterday I posted on this forum worried about cancer.
I am not convinced all the symptoms I am getting are not caused by a serious illness. They might be, they might not be. I have a doctors appointment next Tuesday, and until then I guess I just don't know.
But I've decided I have had enough.
I read a post earlier about how a young girl, my age, got bowel cancer, didn't tell her family, then lost her father and brother in a car accident.
I'm sure there are many many more stories like this and it just shocked me out of my self absorbed pity party a bit.
It's difficult dealing with unpleasant symptoms, and it's very difficult dealing with anxiety and disease, or even both at the same time. But then life seems to be proven to be a difficult thing to live with. And I feel that I am wasting my time to the nth degree repeatedly misunderstanding it's worth and it's nature worrying about the chance of getting an illness, of dying and of the people around me suffering. I'm fed up of myself I guess. I've got tired of myself and of my fears and as everyone seems to be telling me, the only way to stop feeling like this is to stop fearing. I think I've realised that fear to the extent that I am experiencing it it so incredibly useless it's actually detrimental.
I looked up some statistics (aren't statistics fun) and found that 161,823 people died of cancer in 2012 in the UK compared to 499,331 total deaths (in England and Wales).
Which I guess means that I'm pretty likely to get cancer... and die from it?!
Well obviously, no... but also yes. I eat tremendously healthy, now exercise at least 3 times a week and have never smoked. Also I'm 19 and female. In 2012 509 females aged 5-19 died in the UK. This increased to 1,690 female deaths in 2012 for people aged 20-34 and... 165,737 female deaths in 2012 for people aged 80+.
Which obviously makes sense and proves that likelihood of cancer deaths increase as people age. But then likelihood of death also increases as we age, kind of just by default.
It's said that 1 in 4 people will get cancer in their lifetime. And although the likelihood is slim while I'm young, it is there, regardless. As is dying from a car crash. From a freak accident. From anything.
I think I definitely focus on myself too much, and have such a wrong attitude to illness and death that is definitely unhealthy. The fact I could get any illness, or even have cancer currently is irrelevant, it's my mind and attitude to things that is important.
If I have cancer now. If I get cancer in ten years. If I never get cancer but die in a car crash. It really won't change anything about the state of the world. 509 5-19 year olds died in 2012 and I was completely oblivious until 3 hours ago. I'm not mourning for them. I'm not in a state of panic for them. I'm not affected because they're not me.
It doesn't really make sense that I should be worried so much about myself either really. What is going to happen if I die or get cancer? Really not a lot.
I guess part of it is fear of the unknown. Cancer seems scary, but our cells divide every day and make thousands of mistakes. It's no wonder cancer happens. We're walking miracles. Cancer doesn't know what it's doing, it's just some an overgrowth of cells, and I guess when you think about it like that, it's a lot less scary.
Someone said to me yesterday, completely unrelated to my situation, 'there are worse things in the world than pain', and it struck a chord. There are definitely worse things in the world than pain and cancer and illness and death, and personally I would say one of those worse things is being in a frame of mind that already feels like you're in hell, trapped in your own mind and unable to get out of a cycle of fear and depression and despair. That's suffering.
In this country the NHS is forever at my disposal. I have friend, family, access to sites like this where I can talk to like minded people. Good food, good living conditions. Enjoyments and the freedom to do as I wish and say what I like. I forget this continuously and dwell on what I might or might not have. What might or might not happen. On the future. On myself. And I never appreciate fully how wonderful my life was and is.
This has been long and rambly, but I thought if I plague you all with my anxiety and fear, I might as well put down my occasional good thoughts too. Because I am tired of being sad and stressed and form now on I'm going to try my hardest to be happy and calm.
For the sake of no-one and for the outcome of nothing, but just because there's absolutely no reason not to be.
Easier said than done, or perhaps in reality really just as easy as it is said.