View Full Version : Discharged from hospital ... (again)
Hi all
As some have noticed I've been absent from NMP for around a month, and before that was only popping in and out. This is due to me being quite poorly mental health wise, to the extent that I've just spent another month in hospital following a relapse just before Christmas.
I wish I could say hospital has cured me, but all it has done is "stabilise" me, and in theory arrange my community treatment. They have tweaked my medication as well.
I have been in this hole for 6 months now. My sick pay is no more, and my confidence in myself and being able to recover is at an all time low. I am 5 months post diagnosis of emotionally unstable personality disorder....yes I have come to accept I have this, but I can't see me getting over it or better from it.
I am due to be completely discharged from hospital tomorrow after a big MDT meeting....I'm terrified of this meeting as there will be lots of people present to talk about me and my craziness.
I thought coming home would be different, I thought I'd be able to cope better than I am. In reality I'm completely spaced out, I have a headache, and I have 0 motivation.
Anyhoo, thought I would update, and offload a little. My brain tends to get a little full.
Hi Jac.
Nice to see you on here again. I hope the meeting isn't too hard and remember it is to help you.
Hi jack,
Its a hard place to be right now (I know as I have been "there"). You will get through this and come out a better person. I know I have. My mental health problems will never go away butI can live with them now. Medication, family and good, true friends will keep you going.
PM me if you want to.
Sarah x
Sending lots of positive vibes your way. I hope your meeting isn't too unpleasant and is over quickly.
:flowers: :flowers: :flowers:
MyNameIsTerry
06-02-15, 09:00
Sorry to hear things have taken a turn for the worse again Jacsta. :bighug1::hugs::flowers:
Good luck with your meeting, get any questions you have written down so its easier on the day.
Your confidence will be shattered right now but it comes back as you start to see progress and don't feel so trapped.
Thanks all.....just getting ready to go back to the hospital now. I'm still in a daze and really know how I'm feeling. I think this is an auto protect self thing as in the past when something that scares me is about to happen my brain disassociates itself so that it doesn't freak out, run away, or breakdown......I shall update you guys later on how it has gone.
Hi Jacsta
two years ago i spent two spells in a psych ward and was lower than I thought life could ever get.Hospital did the same for me ,stabilise me with round the clock care and sorted out my community care when I came out.
So both in similar situations ,what I want you to know is recovery is possible but its bloody hard work,I am now back in a stressful full time job but coping with it and parenting a handful of a 3 year old..There is light at the end of the tunnel ,your next step is to intergrate back at home and the outside world.With the right support and care you can make a recovery please dont ever give up hope.The only issue I have now is struggling with my sleep and some mild anxiety,If I can do it so can you
Good luck we are always here to talk things through
Well, I've been to the meeting...I was wrong with the amount of people present....add a couple of students to the mix and it was a very crowded room.
I am officially discharged from hospital now. We could have discussed every mood to the moon and back but at the end of the day the hospital aren't doing anything for me anymore as I've stopped talking and they don't do treatment so the next step is the leap to community care. I am top of the waiting list for the nurse led clinic and there is a community nurse taking me on for follow-up care until a slot is available.
Am I ready to work hard at getting better? I'm not sure. I know that I have to work hard, I've always known that....unfortunately I've been that far gone for so long that I don't have a lot of strength or energy to keep fighting.
This past week whenever I've had conversations with people they keep using the really annoying phrase "you'll be fine". How do they know this? No one can possibly know the future....they are just saying it to make it sound like they are being positive and supportive, not because it's true.
Anyway....back to the real world...whether I can cope or not...
"you'll be fine" is very condescending something you dont need in your state of mind
I found coming out of hospital very difficult the 1st time but easier the 2nd time because i had experience of everything that was going on,from there i just took baby steps and tried to forget about all my responsibilities which wasnt easy
I feel for you Jacsta I really do,make sure you get the right support now you are out and dont take no for an answer,I had some terrible CPNs who just didnt give a shit and were going through the motions.
How can we support you on here ?
Thanks Andy....yes your experience sounds very similar to mine. The first time I was discharged was a shambles and none of the referrals had gone through. This time I know they have, but my conditions comes with trust issues, so I think that's why I've closed up.
I don't know how anyone can support me to be honest...I feel like I need to just get over this now....it's been going on far too long, everyone is tired, and I'm not going to have my job open for much longer....but getting over it requires motivation, and work.
It's nice to be able to "offload" somewhere...I've always been better at typing things than speaking them out loud.
to be honest i was good at talking and offloading to the doctors and nurses and my care in hospital was very good.I know how hard it is coming out and going back into the real world its daunting.Non of us want to" cope" do we ,we want to be normal and not have to cope but just get on with our lives,I know for me it took a good 18 months before I started to really improve but time does heal.If things get bad for you again ask about a respite home I was in one for 3 weeks and felt so much better afterwards.Its not as clinical as a hospital and you have to fend for yourself which keeps you busy.
Try and stay positive and type away if it helps
MyNameIsTerry
07-02-15, 06:34
"You'll be fine" is a bit like the other lazy remarks like "its all in your head", "you will find your way through this", "try not to let things bother you", "don't dwell on things so much", etc.
I think people who say this tend to be ignorant of the issues or just not wishing to get involved as anyone in the street could say the same.
You can use this place to bounce things off Jacsta. If you are unsure about an element of your care, for instance, run it past others on here. This might help because your trust issues might make you resistant but perhaps you would be willing to trust others who have been through this in their various ways? If we all agree, maybe it will help you to start to trust those managing your care?
Try not to let work eat away at you. I know you want to get it back, and you could still do yet, but if you didn't, its not the end, it just means a different path and there are people who have left their jobs suffering all this and ended up much better off.
If nothing else, just come on for a chat, talk about day to day stuff with people if it helps. Its an outlet.
Hey thanks for your thoughts, and for supporting me.
Unfortunately I'm falling into traps that I fell into before. Part of my personality disorder is impulsiveness and self destructiveness.....both of which are getting stronger again now I have lures on the outside world.
My husband is going out tonight with his friend and I'm terrified that I'm going to fail at "behaving" whilst he is out. See this is the problem with me being at home with my thoughts....I wind myself up and make myself ill with the constant battle in my head...this is why I begged for more support on discharge, but it seems like for the time being I have less support...I don't have a follow-up until Tuesday....at least last time when I was under the crisis team I could call them anytime....as useless as they were I had somewhere to offload...
It's all so confusing. I have gone back to keeping everything in my head. A big part of me just wants to bury everything and go back to work....but I'm pretty sure I'd fall flat on my face again....and I can't bear to be back down there....even though it's what I do...
I really wish I had answers for us all.
At the moment I'm just clinging onto the fact that I have an appointment with my psychologist on Monday so just got to make it 48 hours :(.
It seems a bit all or nothing with the hospital. Going from 24 hour care to almost nothing. It seems a bit backwards.
Thinking of you xx
MyNameIsTerry
08-02-15, 09:03
Is that because in the presence of others you naturally surpress your issues (I know I stop my compulsions if people 'could' be watching...even when I was really bad!) or is it because they support you to prevent you falling into the trap or you fall into the trap but they support you to come out of it?
Has anyone done any work with you to show you how to identify when this is going to happen and what to do? I know you've been let down a lot by the system and the hospitals seem a bit like they just want stabilisation so you can be bunged out to community care to do the recovery work, so I'm not sure what you will have had.
I think many of us a destructive. I know I self sabotage my recovery and my obsessions will lead me back into this pattern unless I resolve it. Hey, I'm a Sagittarius and in my constellation is our galaxies only supermassive black hole...so I reckon I'm allowed a bit of destruction! :shades:
Do you think you could calm down that battle with practices such as meditation?
Hey Terry
Unfortunately I have done little work towards identifying my behaviours when I'm on the way down, and then finding ways to counteract them....I have a few more coping strategies under my belt as there was a really good nurse on the ward that took time out to teach me...(not many do unfortunately).
The nurse led clinic that I am apparently at the top of the waiting list for should help teach me more.
I went to mindfulness sessions during my last hospital admission, but I am still getting the hang of it.....it's a lot easier to do in a scheduled session with someone talking you through, than at random points of the day!
I think I discovered that once I'm past a certain point of being triggered I am too overwhelmed by thoughts to focus enough on actually carrying out a coping strategy in practice.....I suppose that's something again that will take practice...It's such a shame that I'm too weak and tired to do things when I'm suppose to...like now I think why didn't I do this when I was feeling like that!?!?
I managed to go out with a social anx meetup group this morning, I bailed early but at least I went....paid for it by having to sleep all afternoon, but today is certainly a slightly more positive day than yesterday.
Hang onto those positive days and remember they can come again
Hope your feeling ok as much as you can
Hey Terry
Unfortunately I have done little work towards identifying my behaviours when I'm on the way down, and then finding ways to counteract them....I have a few more coping strategies under my belt as there was a really good nurse on the ward that took time out to teach me...(not many do unfortunately).
The nurse led clinic that I am apparently at the top of the waiting list for should help teach me more.
I went to mindfulness sessions during my last hospital admission, but I am still getting the hang of it.....it's a lot easier to do in a scheduled session with someone talking you through, than at random points of the day!
I think I discovered that once I'm past a certain point of being triggered I am too overwhelmed by thoughts to focus enough on actually carrying out a coping strategy in practice.....I suppose that's something again that will take practice...It's such a shame that I'm too weak and tired to do things when I'm suppose to...like now I think why didn't I do this when I was feeling like that!?!?
I managed to go out with a social anx meetup group this morning, I bailed early but at least I went....paid for it by having to sleep all afternoon, but today is certainly a slightly more positive day than yesterday.
You are doing so much for yourself, jacsta, I hope you can feel some self appreciation for that because you really deserve it.
Are there any mindfulness groups or 1-1 sessions available near you? I've just been through a very bad patch and I know that initially mindfulness is hard to do on your own when you're overwhelmed by thoughts.
Sending you a huge hug :bighug1:
Hey all
I had my followup today with a CPN that came around. We had a nice chat, and she updated me on my nurse led clinic waiting list which was my reassuring.
I think I have realised that my relapse before Christmas was more of a complete breakdown to my rock bottomest....I think that the fact I no more fight, or energy was an aid in my recovery, as I had stopped the intense battle within my head.
With recovery came the thoughts again, and I do admit they are less intense, but still there niggling away. I just hope that I get the nurse led clinic soon, so that I can get coping strategies to stop me from slipping too far down again.....yes I have had to do a lot for myself...but I honestly am tired of that...there is only so many times one can pick oneself back up and carry on....and I reached my limit, cried out for help, and was denied it for 4 months....so yes, I am willing to work, but I will only improve with input from others...
Sounds like things are moving in the right direction. I do hope you get the help you deserve x
Hi Jacsta,
Glad you had a positive meeting. I know how hard it is to come home and feel like there is little support afterwards. Hopefully your CPN gave you a number to call should you need to talk to someone.
Support is needed in the early days but I found that (in my area) it took a while for them to get their act together. But they did eventually and I then had great treatment.
Mindfulness is a fantastic "tool" for your toolbox of ways to help you cope when things get tough. A great book to start with which is funny, short and explains things brilliantly is Ruby Wax Sane New World. Well worth a read.
Sometimes people do say unhelpful things but remember they probably have no idea about mental health problems and "think" they are being helpful. I tend to tell people straight that their comment is not what I want to hear:blush:.
Take care
sarah
Yes Sarah, I am aware of the unfortunate waiting lists ... and I understand why they are there and process and all that....but after waiting in limbo for 4months and discovering that every referral had broken down and resulted in nothing completely worsened my condition....I think the CMHT "get" that now....hence them making the effort to give factual updates.
Unfortunately I already had crappy trust issues which are now extended to mental health professionals.....but hey ho, that's happened now....I can only hope they don't screw me over again
Thanks for helping me guys....the transition has been hard to make back to home life....Too much time on my own...This forum helps me release some of my overthinking and overanalysing
When I came out of hospital the 2nd time I would walk for hours,it helped clear my mind and burnt off the anxiety.Try and get out in the fresh air each day even if it's only for 15 minutes it will help
Hang in there :hugs:
MyNameIsTerry
11-02-15, 06:08
I think it will help spending some time learning about when the signs are showing that you are drifting and to organise some strategies for how to try and stop it or work through it. Pretty standard stuff to CBT really, learn about yourself and have a strategy for coping as well as goals to build you up and eat away at the anxiety and depression.
I'm guessing that anything that helps with underlying factors such as self confidence, self worth, self esteem will be useful as well as being able to trust yourself & others as you said. I've just mentioned something on another thread on here about Compassion Meditation, so I wonder whether that helps with trust?
Having said this, and thinking about how you were doing craftwork whilst in hospital, maybe alongside any therapy things that encourage this would help give you something back against these issues. Things like art therapy spring to mind. Things to make you feel better about yourself because you need to be stimulating the compassionate side of the brain to stay out of the anxious side like we all do. I know the centre I used to go to for the charity walk-ins did more like this in a group environment. My charity were just borrowing the room but its in a centre with in-patients and community care so I could see some of the things they did in the room such as the creative stuff.
People will always talk to you on here, so vent away, ask stuff or just have a general chat. It can help. I know on my bad days, even talking to someone whilst I'm out can give me a lift, maybe I feel less invisible and I think thats important.
Jac hun I am never sure whether to chip in or not. Sometimes it is easier for people outside to notice the signs but it is difficult to know if pointing it out is helpful or not.
I admit that I have fallen back into the role of support rather than being pro active. I have been leaving that to the professionals.
Let me know what approach you would prefer.
Always here hun and love you loads.
Thanks Elen, like I said earlier....I don't know what would help....well actually...
I know I need to talk to professionals. There is some messed up things going on in my head which are now ... again... affecting my behaviour.
I can't say exactly what's happening due to shame, guilt, and need for secrecy at the moment but I know that it's like watching myself from the outside...in slow motion....I can see that I'm slipping off the cliff, I know a way to stop it happening, but purposely I am not stopping it....basically I'm back into self destruction, and it's going to end up resulting in a lot of pain .... again
Sorry I can't help or say anything worthwhile but thinking of you xx
How you getting on jacta ?
Depends how one looks at it...
I have coping mechanisms which are self destructive, and I know they are, but they are all I have so I use them to get through each day....The nhs system won't offer the nurse clinic for another 3 weeks so what else am I suppose to do?
I can do what I do, or I can slip below the point of no return...
Guess the short answer is not good but plodding, thanks for checking up Andy, I appreciate it
Try and stay positive ,I know from experience just how frustrating it is
Do you have a cpn visit each day ?
No, they won't give me a cpn or a care co-ordinator.
I have a cpn temporarily that has seen me last Tuesday and will see me again next Thursday....I don't know if she will keep seeing me until the nurse led clinic...she said the clinic would happen sooner.
I can't be positive...but I shall plod and give them this once last chance to help me
I can only add we are thinking of you and whatever glimmer of hope there is let it come your way
Hopefully things will turn around for the better soon
I don't think that you should expect too much from the mental health support system, jacsta, otherwise you will just be disappointed and angry. Unless you are very fortunate it's just a lottery as I'm sure you know.
"Plodding" is just fine at this stage in my opinion. You've just come out of hospital and need to readjust to life at home. You know that's not going to be easy and you're going to be very frustrated and scared as to who is going to support you in the weeks ahead. Take each hour as it comes and don't look too far ahead at this stage. I know it's easier said than done and it's very hard to keep plodding on. I do hope that each day sees a bit of progress and that you soon get appropriate support from some decent practitioners.
I know how you feel jac. Bleak desperation. You don't believe you are strong enough to fight. You rely on the outside world for help. And sometimes the outside world can't meet what you need.
Just keep swimming. Make each day as pleasant as you can make it, no matter how rubbish you feel.
Eventually this will pass. Keep taking the medication, and wait for the outside help. Practice the techniques you've learnt to help yourself as best you can. You are helping yourself by talking to people on here.
You will be able to pick yourself up endlessly. It doesn't seem like that sometimes, but it's true. There is no end - no finite number of times that you can pick yourself up after slipping down.
I was at a low point earlier this year and I didn't feel any hope that I would be able to get out of that headspace. Now my medication is starting to work, I feel a bit stronger. I feel hope.
And you will feel that hope again too. I know it. 'You will be fine' is people clumsily trying to say that they believe in you. We all believe in you. It's a way of attempting to inspire hope :)
Thinking of you and hoping you are ok.
Sarah
Yes thinking of you and sending positive vibes
aww Thanks guys, it's really touched me that you have responded after so long.
To be honest my life is just getting more complicated....I have some big decisions to make at the moment and it's hard because I'm still off work and not really that strong to be honest.
I do it to myself though, so I should accept the consequences.
Thinking of you and hoping you are hanging in there. Try to be kind to yourself. We all do the best we can with what we have.
I find it hard to make decisions when I feel crap... and sometimes those are big decisions, like where to live, what job to do/whether to go back to work, what kind of therapy/care to push for (and it's horrible that we have to push at all).
I do it to myself though, so I should accept the consequences.
I don't think this thought. I think: I got into this bad situation, and I got here because bad stuff happened to me and I couldn't cope, and I did the best I could to change my situation. The consequences of my actions are bad, but they are better than consequences of other actions that I could have done. I am not satisfied with how things are right now, and I am going to try my best to change them with whatever resources I have. In the short term, I am going to try and focus on enjoying this moment for what it is.
Sometimes I don't have energy to change things, so I make sure that I rest in order to restore enough energy to make things happen in a few days' time.
You don't have to just accept the consequences.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.