need some encouragement

[cuphalfempty]

This is my 5th week, 3 wks on 10mg and 2 on 20mg...it's been an ok week but I do have to take xanax daily. If I don't, I am a nervous, terrified wreck. When I do take 0.25 mg (lowest dose), I get some clarity and even some interests in things like cleaning and watching tv. But I am terrified that I will get addicted to xanax, or that I already am...

This morning is bad.
Maybe I am nervous about seeing my therapist today... I get to talk and it makes me anxious.

Anyway, I am just wondering if this feeling of being terrified of everything but not knowing what exactly will ever go away? I am so tired of waking up in the morning and thinking "another day of this..."
Going to sleep seems to be the best part of the day, will I ever get to the point where I am looking forward to waking up?

Life is beautiful, yet I feel it's passing me by. I see people smiling and enjoying their morning coffee, and all I can think of is - how in the world are they able to do that? What is wrong with me? When will it end?

This is the hardest thing I have even experienced, and I have been through a lot in my life, including war. Nothing compares to this.

I so desperately want to live again....and feel joy. :weep:

[buildmeupbuttercup]

Hi i cant comment that well as im only on day 5 i hope your doing ok
buttercup

[CA88]

That nervousness does pass eventually! It might be that your dose needs to go up again, or more likely it just needs to settle in!

I started on 20mg, and it took 6 weeks at that dose before I started to feel vaguely normal! I still have 'off' days but over all feeling a lot better and a lot more positive. Even if i'm feeling panicky it allows me to keep some perspective on it and stops it spiraling out of control :)

Stick with it, it'll pass.

[cuphalfempty]

Buttercup - thank you. I guess same advice goes for us both - hang in there! We will eventually get where we need to...but the road is VERY bumpy...how are you doing so far?

CA88 - thank you too. I am so glad to hear that you are doing so good! For me, the last few weeks have been a real roller coaster. Today, however, I suddenly feel better. I am reading the news this morning instead of prozac info (lol). Still taking anti-anxiety pills but my doctor said there will be less and less need for them in the next few weeks. I gotta trust someone.
How are you doing today?

[CA88]

Buttercup - thank you. I guess same advice goes for us both - hang in there! We will eventually get where we need to...but the road is VERY bumpy...how are you doing so far?

CA88 - thank you too. I am so glad to hear that you are doing so good! For me, the last few weeks have been a real roller coaster. Today, however, I suddenly feel better. I am reading the news this morning instead of prozac info (lol). Still taking anti-anxiety pills but my doctor said there will be less and less need for them in the next few weeks. I gotta trust someone.
How are you doing today?

I'm doing okay thanks! I still have SOME of the symptoms I had before, which leads me to think that they are just 'normal' things that I began to exaggerate in my head. Now instead of immediately jumping to life threatening diagnosis, I just sort of think, okay well we will see if it goes away, if it does, I don't need to worry.

The medication hasn't cured me, and I can see why people say a combination of CBT with drugs is best, but it's certainly given me more space in my head to think, and I don't spend all day thinking about how I feel anymore. I'm able to do things and enjoy things around it, and keep perspective on my thoughts.

[cuphalfempty]

Hi CA88,
Did you end up increasing the dose at the end? Or you are still on 20mg?

Your post is amazing, actually, I am looking forward to getting where you are :)

What week are you?

Hugs!

[CA88]

I'm on about week 7 now, I'm sort of loosing count as I spend less time thinking about me and more time getting on with life.

I increased my dose for about 3 days and found it was making me feel rather manic for the first few hours, kinda hyperactive and I didn't like it. So I dropped back to 20
Knowing that if I need to I can increase at any time as that's what I'm now officially prescribed.

I hope you feel better soon! I still have odd moments - like just now. Woken up from sleep with a pain in my arm convinced myself I was having heart attack for some reason. Had to do some bits and pieces including popping on here to distract me before I get stuck in a thought loop.

It's a journey and I'm improving, so I have to focus on the positives :)

[cuphalfempty]

I know what you mean about the odd moments....anxiety can be such a b*tch! The stuff I worry about sometimes is literally too embarrassing to share, lol.

But, as long as you can distract yourself, you are golden.

Keep up the good work!