AthenaFaeyrn
07-02-15, 14:51
A few years ago I was sent to A&E from my GP after my biggest ever HA attack, and put on crisis watch.
I had a huge break down in my GPs office and basically told him that I need, need to end my life because I know I have MS and the quality of my life will get so bad I want to end my life before it ruins me completely.
My nose started bleeding pretty badly during the breakdown and, as you can guess, it triggered me into an even bigger mess than I was before, and I started shaking terribly and started going a bit crazy.. I begged him to send me to a neuro (which he actually did).
But anyway, when I came out of A&E, I had visits from people from "MIND" visit me every day to check on me and ask me things...
These visits in general made me worse, as it was a different person every time, and they would sit on my bed in my bedroom and I could over-hear how I was being talked about downstairs by them with my mother. ("Is she eating?" "Has she changed her clothes yet?" "Has she washed yet?"). I wasn't quite sure what purpose they served other than to make sure I wasn't dead, and was still alive for the purpose of eating and washing myself.
The visits were short, and most of the time I was just answering the same questions and trying my best to look grateful and heartened, and act like they were some these godly, helpful people who were actually some benefit to me rather than a detriment. It was like a job for me to seem "better" around them.
One time though, around FOUR people came at the same time, including (I think) an actual doctor with some papers he was writing on about me, which was so unsettling for me. - My bedroom was very small and cluttered and it was a squeeze fitting them all in.
There was one old man in my bedroom, though, who took it upon himself for some reason, to take shots at the things I have in my bedroom... I collect My Little Ponies, and am a big fan of Rock n Roll, Blues music, and a lot of my Dad's old music collection in my room that I cherish a lot... And this DISGUSTING thing took it upon himself (his reasoning behind this behavior I have NO IDEA), to just LOOK AROUND MY BEDROOM, and comment on them!!!!!
He actually picked up my DSR camera and turned it over in his hands.. as though he actually had the right to just snoop about my personal items, and pluck them up at will without any permission asked whatsoever. It was incredibly intrusive and unsettling.
"Aren't you a bit old for these?" he was commenting about the ponies.
And then he said I listen to "old man" music.. he was helping himself to a good going-over of my music collection.
Then came the "maybe you should get a life!" comment.. This was about my mental health. My HA. My depression. My suffering.
It literally just looked like he had prescribed this solution for me based on his disagreement with my personal interests, as though when I "get a life", I will grow out of My Little Pony, stop listening to "old man music" and become a lovely, normal, pop-music-loving, non-pony-loving, healthy young lady.
Of what benefit to my psychological help this serves, to this day, I have NO IDEA. From my perspective, he was there to make me feel deeply ashamed of some of the only things I had left in my life that brought it some meaning aside from my family.
He also commented disparagingly on how my brother still lives at home, and some nasty remark about that I can't fully remember... But my brothers bedroom is literally right next to mine and heaven knows how my brother would have felt if he had heard that..
I sent a complaint to the head of that place, detailing all of this. The response told me how "shocked" the man was to hear this, and asked me if I wanted to meet up with him or something.
I have no idea why anyone would imagine a reason I'd want to meet up with this man. I wanted to know he had been fired outright. - I wanted to know he couldn't hurt anyone else as he did me. If he had been dealing with someone else in this manner, it could trigger them to want to take their life.
I have a lot of anger and pain carried on from this time that I have not dealt with. It has made me deeply suspicious of people who are in positions in which they're dealing with me at my lowest, and if I think about him too long, I have fantasies in which I would quite have loved to have pushed him down the stairs and beaten him up whilst telling him how you should never, EVER say things like this to someone who is suffering this way and that he is a miserable failure at his job, whatever his job even WAS... I don't know what he "was", or what his purpose was in being in my bedroom. He could have been anyone. A stranger wandered in from the streets.
I could have done his job better than him. For sure anyone with personal experience of mental health could have done his job better than him... I don't know what to do about the pain he caused me and how he ruined my trust with doctors.
I had a huge break down in my GPs office and basically told him that I need, need to end my life because I know I have MS and the quality of my life will get so bad I want to end my life before it ruins me completely.
My nose started bleeding pretty badly during the breakdown and, as you can guess, it triggered me into an even bigger mess than I was before, and I started shaking terribly and started going a bit crazy.. I begged him to send me to a neuro (which he actually did).
But anyway, when I came out of A&E, I had visits from people from "MIND" visit me every day to check on me and ask me things...
These visits in general made me worse, as it was a different person every time, and they would sit on my bed in my bedroom and I could over-hear how I was being talked about downstairs by them with my mother. ("Is she eating?" "Has she changed her clothes yet?" "Has she washed yet?"). I wasn't quite sure what purpose they served other than to make sure I wasn't dead, and was still alive for the purpose of eating and washing myself.
The visits were short, and most of the time I was just answering the same questions and trying my best to look grateful and heartened, and act like they were some these godly, helpful people who were actually some benefit to me rather than a detriment. It was like a job for me to seem "better" around them.
One time though, around FOUR people came at the same time, including (I think) an actual doctor with some papers he was writing on about me, which was so unsettling for me. - My bedroom was very small and cluttered and it was a squeeze fitting them all in.
There was one old man in my bedroom, though, who took it upon himself for some reason, to take shots at the things I have in my bedroom... I collect My Little Ponies, and am a big fan of Rock n Roll, Blues music, and a lot of my Dad's old music collection in my room that I cherish a lot... And this DISGUSTING thing took it upon himself (his reasoning behind this behavior I have NO IDEA), to just LOOK AROUND MY BEDROOM, and comment on them!!!!!
He actually picked up my DSR camera and turned it over in his hands.. as though he actually had the right to just snoop about my personal items, and pluck them up at will without any permission asked whatsoever. It was incredibly intrusive and unsettling.
"Aren't you a bit old for these?" he was commenting about the ponies.
And then he said I listen to "old man" music.. he was helping himself to a good going-over of my music collection.
Then came the "maybe you should get a life!" comment.. This was about my mental health. My HA. My depression. My suffering.
It literally just looked like he had prescribed this solution for me based on his disagreement with my personal interests, as though when I "get a life", I will grow out of My Little Pony, stop listening to "old man music" and become a lovely, normal, pop-music-loving, non-pony-loving, healthy young lady.
Of what benefit to my psychological help this serves, to this day, I have NO IDEA. From my perspective, he was there to make me feel deeply ashamed of some of the only things I had left in my life that brought it some meaning aside from my family.
He also commented disparagingly on how my brother still lives at home, and some nasty remark about that I can't fully remember... But my brothers bedroom is literally right next to mine and heaven knows how my brother would have felt if he had heard that..
I sent a complaint to the head of that place, detailing all of this. The response told me how "shocked" the man was to hear this, and asked me if I wanted to meet up with him or something.
I have no idea why anyone would imagine a reason I'd want to meet up with this man. I wanted to know he had been fired outright. - I wanted to know he couldn't hurt anyone else as he did me. If he had been dealing with someone else in this manner, it could trigger them to want to take their life.
I have a lot of anger and pain carried on from this time that I have not dealt with. It has made me deeply suspicious of people who are in positions in which they're dealing with me at my lowest, and if I think about him too long, I have fantasies in which I would quite have loved to have pushed him down the stairs and beaten him up whilst telling him how you should never, EVER say things like this to someone who is suffering this way and that he is a miserable failure at his job, whatever his job even WAS... I don't know what he "was", or what his purpose was in being in my bedroom. He could have been anyone. A stranger wandered in from the streets.
I could have done his job better than him. For sure anyone with personal experience of mental health could have done his job better than him... I don't know what to do about the pain he caused me and how he ruined my trust with doctors.