Struggling to deal with the past

[Ollie28]

Thanks all that have helped me over the last 13 months you all really are a bunch of amazing people and I appriciate every little word in advice typed to help me.

There's a few things I've not come out and said basically because I've not thought too do it - that is Im striggling to deal with my past and what happened to make me the way I am, I'm not sure what's going on but i think I'm psychologically messed up.

To this day despite loving my wife and wanting to be together I can't cope with the thought of my wife having that relationship with someone else like she did - at the time (4 months solid) I assumed the worst I was paranoid about the "unknown" I was made homless and kicked out from my own family by my wife
I was put through mental hell,

Anyways so much went on and i didn't stop to get her back in the end we got back together only for me to end up like this now I'm a mess, I'm going through hell but at the same time I love my wife but I'm telling myself we can't be together il struggle alone - I've no one or nothing but to me it feels like my mind & body are stuck in that 4 months, I've become detached but my body is still going through the same emotions and thigs like I was when it was all going in only back then my mind was not on me but my situation, it isn't until we got back together my body started to calm then smack, I mean I don't know I'm just speculating.

Is it possibly to psychologically be with someone when they have hurt you and put you through so much yet I feel like i can't live without her - my mind and body feel trapped.

One minute I'm "leaving I can't be with someone that would do this to me I don't care how I'll I am il struggle" then I'm "I can't live without my wife and kids I love them I just want my life back with them" then "I can't be with her she done this to me" then "I can't leave I can't cope knowing she's with someone else when I know deep down I still love her"
Is this my illness thinking for me??

Everyday it feels like "there's somrthing there" like my mind and body is somewhere else still - when we was going through all that crap I was having emotional & mood change within minutes, happy, sad, angry, excited, sad, panic, liteally changing by the minute - everyday all day for 4 months.
My body is still doing the same yet only now I feel not in control and I'm detached, I feel I'm mentally struggling not to mention the physical symptoms.

I need help, until I've been ruled out of everything physical our local mental health people won't help me.

Can it be as simple as just walking away from the person that ripped me apart or is this my illness tricking me because I feel I cant think as rational as I use to?

I'm not sure no more xxx

[Poppy Girl]

Hi Ollie
This is the first post of yours that I've read so sorry if I ask questions that youve answered previously.
Have you had any counselling with or without your wife? I don't know your full story but it does sound as if you really love your wife but just struugle to accept what happened and put it behind you. Nothing can change what happened but your wife has chosen to be with you now and surely that should tell you something. However, I can understand how you can't let go of the past. Some of my anxiety was caused by issues from my past - things I found hard to let go of - but counselling was a massive help for me.
Are you on any medication at all? I resisted for a long time but finally accepted that I needed help. It took a few months of trial and error but I've been on the right meds for about 7 months now and although I'm not 100% yet I'm loads better than I was. The meds have helped calm me to a state where I can let go of the past to a certain extent and look forward instead of back.
Don't suffer alone!
Please find someone to talk to - even if it's me or someone else on here :hugs:

[Ollie28]

hi

i went through a rough emotional time about 13 months ago, my wife out the blue decided she was no longer wanted our 15 year relationship to carry on, it was a shock it was near christmas with two young children. my family was and is everything to me. i think my body went in to a sate of shock when told and then when i found out someone else was involved i think i went in to fight mode along with massive amounts of anxiety and emotional panic everyday all day for about 4 months, it went on for far to long so much went on and alot happened
it went on for so long i think psychologically its messed up my head and body.

something happened to my body about 13 months ago that i havnt recoverd from.

my body went in to some sort of trance or state of shock and detatched me from everything, im suffering with pain and confusion, memory and awarness problems, a hell of a lot of stuff my body and mind just havnt returned back to normal since that night.

what i do know is i feel detatched from my own mind and like im not in control of my thoughts although i know im still here, im having uncontrollable feeling of anger i know what im doing but its as if i dont care if i want to say or do something i just will despite the out come. basically it feels like my body is trapped in the same emotions i was experiencing when going through it all yet im not in control of them.

ive not had any therapy yet some of the symptoms are so bad im having to go for neurology first before anyone will help me to rule out anything physical.

i have a therapist waiting to help me if needed after, he thinks it possibly might be dissociation and PTSD but again he needs me to rule out anything physical as im having seizure type symtoms too.

my wife has been amazing since we got back together ild be lost without her, some days are so bad i can barley walk, shes pulled me through some bad days i just look at her and think how could you of done this to us. again my feelings are everywhere one minute im begging her not to leave me the next il be telling her to the next il be telling myself to leave the next im panicking i love her and miss her.

i just want to feel normal and stable again im everywhere,


some days my body will suddenly click out and il feel ok for a few moments 10 mins later il be in agony confused barley able to put a thought together its messed up.

ive tried medication non of them are helping. i find the more i do physically the worst the symptoms become, the worst i lose my mind power the worst the pain gets and memory and awarness - kind of feels like my body is going inwards and im being crushed inwards along with my mind power and awarness and feelings.

im learning mor about it as time goes on witch hopefully means im slowly getting there yet i have days where i just cant bare it no more and feel like giving in its so intense.

thanks again xxx

[crystal17]

Hi Ollie,

Hows things now? Don't give up hope, you will go through all this and be a stronger person for it.

[Ollie28]

Hi crystal x

I'm having ok moments and baaaaaaad moments - never feel 100% though, I'm having some horrible feelings happen.

Still working though still pushing through each day the best I can with what I have.

Wake up every morning feeling like my heads drained of blood or my body is lacking oxygen feeling in pain and confused through out the day it fluctuates the pain is imense like pressure feels like my heads going go explode, constantly feel not with it though as if I've no physical brain power not even enough for me to naturally think about every day stuff like I use to.

I'm eating healthy I'm still working (don't know how but I am) basically because I have no other choice il rot away if I sit at home because I don't have thiughts to do anything, dread weekends coming!! Work gives me a reason gives me something I must do so it keeps me going - the second I stop I'm in trouble because my mind dosnt master up any plans or thoughts so I get lost at the same time feels like my brains being crushed inwards along with any outwards awareness I have left.

Neurology on the 3rd so see what they say, this sounds horrible but I'm hoping they find something at least il know what's happening to my mind and body.

The pain as I right this - feels like my mind and body are going inwards the longer I concentrate the worst it gets if I look up outwards I can't focus.

Il Battle on I've no choice really.

Hope your doing ok xxx

[crystal17]

Hey.

You're doing amazingly to be honest! Still going to work and eating well - that takes alot even when things are just a bit crap, but to do it while going through what you're experiencing is pretty amazing. So you must be strong inside Ollie.

You will find answers, I'm sure of it. Might not be fast, or the way you would like/expect them to be but you're getting there. Just keep holding out for that appointment on the 3rd and let us all know how it goes.

Take care of yourself x :hugs:

[Ollie28]

Thanks crystal - Im trying my hardest to get on with it, I'm not sure if works helping my health or making me worse but my problem is im to proud to sit at home il fight to the end and go through what ever I need to to provide for my wife & kids, for me though im not gettin any enjoyment at all out of life the way I am suffering - i just want to feel normal or at least go one day and actually have a clue whats going on in my life and the world - no pain would be a bonus also,
13 months 24/7 solid is along time to be in this state I'm in,

I've just had a episode of one of the "siezure" type things I have its horrible.
I was in someone's house fitting a fireplace I can feel it coming my head starts to feel like it's being fried I get pain all in my body but I don't feel with it as if my thoughts aren't connected to my consciousness or actions I feel like I'm sluring any thoughts I do have I cant physically talk either again like my my mind and mouth aren't connected the pains really bad in my head like a crushing frying pain and I find I struggle to get relieve from breathing so every couple of seconds I'm taking in a massive gulp of air - I don't stop why in this state I carry on working - it's not a panic attack my sister has panic attacks I've see her have one before all my problems starter it's nothihg like that.

Yesterday I felt about 80% all day today I'm struggling to even think I'm in that much pain and confusion,

Thanks again crystal I hope you have a lovely weekend xx