I've been an HA sufferer for over 10 years. They come and go in intensity. But when I am in a full blown HA attack it'll last for weeks on end. It disrupts my whole life. I'm in a constant state of panic, I can't even function.
Right now I'm in a full blown HA attack suffering through fears of anal cancer, bowel cancer, pancreatic cancer, ovarian cancer, lung cancer. It's overwhelming. I have moments where I attribute it all to my HA and I feel okay for a moment and I accept that it's something I have gone through before and it'll pass. That is so short lived though because I know life is real and things happen. So I convince myself this time it's real.
Do you go through these moments? Where you are able to recognize your pattern of thinking and impending doom but then anxiety chimes in and tells you no this is real?
I've been an HA sufferer for over 10 years. They come and go in intensity. But when I am in a full blown HA attack it'll last for weeks on end. It disrupts my whole life. I'm in a constant state of panic, I can't even function.
Right now I'm in a full blown HA attack suffering through fears of anal cancer, bowel cancer, pancreatic cancer, ovarian cancer, lung cancer. It's overwhelming. I have moments where I attribute it all to my HA and I feel okay for a moment and I accept that it's something I have gone through before and it'll pass. That is so short lived though because I know life is real and things happen. So I convince myself this time it's real.
Do you go through these moments? Where you are able to recognize your pattern of thinking and impending doom but then anxiety chimes in and tells you no this is real?
I am not sure if I'm going to answer this correctly, not because of the way it's described but because my mind if fogged and blurry, mostly from HA and panic, these last few days. I say "mostly" because, you know, having HA, there's always those cyclic moments you think "maybe this is real", "Oh no, this is real".
I was reading your very post because I'm living through a heavy episode since a week myself, which intensified to a full-blown panic attack yesterday evening, and an escalading one this morning, well, now noon. Sorry in advance if my text is unclear, I have trouble being focused right now. But all to say: I know what you're feeling, as probably a whole array of other users here on NMP forums. I've been in a huge phase since around April last year, one of too many phases since the last 20 years (I'm going on 33). It's even prevented me from working for the last year, which is not the first time, which is quite a distaster financially.
Back to you: for your question, the transition between recognizing that this is only anxiety and panic speaking, back to "Yeah, but we're in the real world, where real tragedies happen, where people I know (closely or remotely) have experienced their end or near end with precursors that resembled mine"... the answer is yes, at least for me. Sometimes I even think "what if my heart/body won't be able to handle the intensity of panic itself this time around and will subsequently kill me?". These thoughts race in cycles, from panic-related to HA to "okay this is it" back to rationalizing, back and forth.
I wish I could give THE magical advice right now, but I'm living through one right now so my "tricks" are give or take, try them if they suit you, etc.
What I often do lately is write down everything, a bit like what you started doing right here, but in personal text files/paper. There's much less self-censorship when doing so and sometimes (not always) it helps to focus on explaining the problem in words and sometimes the panic resides, or diminishes. I've done right that this morning again. It didn't work out as usual this morning since here I am on NMP, but all I can say is sometimes it can help, we're all different. Describe your fears, what you've been physically experiencing, and mentally, what you might have lived through recently, if there were any precursors (I know, sometimes I can't even find some myself other than fear itself, but fear is a strong factor), how you're feeling. Not the feeling of fear, but generally. Are you sad? Can you even identify sadness, or insecurity in other aspects of your life? I know I have a hard time discerning when I am truly sad, and I've come to believe that emotional imbalances can manifest themselves as fear, a way for your subconsious to get the attention it needs with a method it knows too well will get your attention. Try to identify if anything has made you feel upside down recently, sad maybe; a breakup, moving out, a new job, regret over one thing, etc. If you do find something, try crying. I myself have a hard time crying, even when forcing myself to, which suggests, at least in my perspective, that these episodes might often be linked to emotions which are stifled.
Anyways, back to the writing part, if it doesn't help you right away, I've noticed that it helps in the long run. When we get better (these are cyclic episodes) it's sometimes hard to see how low we had gotten, the details of it all. Re-reading yourself when you get better will help you identify: hey, and look at me now, and, when you're feeling HA too high again, put it back into perspective, because I know too well the feeling that "Yeah but it's never felt this bad". It's easy to mentally dismiss how low and worked up we've been in the past, we tend to smooth it out, and maybe that's a good thing, so it helps to put things back into perspective and think: see, I've lived this before, and I've had periods where I felt way better after that.
Try listening to soothing music. Right now I'm listening to the OST of Pirates of the Carribean by Hans Zimmer, especially Hello Beastie. Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven and the likes help too, at least for me, when the tension rises too much.
All I can say is: hang in there. It WILL get better. If it's nothing too personal: is there any history of cancer in your family? Approximately how old are you? Male or female? I am NOT a medical professional, just curious.
Your reply was extremely helpful. I started analyzing weeks or months prior to this HA attack. I know I'd been irritable and stressed about personal matters at home. All of which mostly lived in my head. I had been presenting myself with tons of "what if" situations. I also lost my grandfather in November who was a father to me. I hadn't felt that I'd mourned properly. And more recently a young acquaintance passed suddenly leaving behind a young child. I wonder if these things were building inside of me brewing anxiety.
I know my symptoms are real. Though they may be benign,but as I said life is real and things happen. I am prone to expect catastrophic events. I am also an ER nurse so its like every one i talk to every patient or medical colleague it seems like the word "cancer" is coming up more. So I tend to think maybe it's a sign of what's to come.
I'm 37yo female with no history of cancer in my family.
I appreciate your response. I'm sorry that any of us suffers through this. I hope things get easier for you. Are you getting any treatment for anxiety?
Your reply was extremely helpful. I started analyzing weeks or months prior to this HA attack. I know I'd been irritable and stressed about personal matters at home. All of which mostly lived in my head. I had been presenting myself with tons of "what if" situations. I also lost my grandfather in November who was a father to me. I hadn't felt that I'd mourned properly. And more recently a young acquaintance passed suddenly leaving behind a young child. I wonder if these things were building inside of me brewing anxiety.
I know my symptoms are real. Though they may be benign,but as I said life is real and things happen. I am prone to expect catastrophic events. I am also an ER nurse so its like every one i talk to every patient or medical colleague it seems like the word "cancer" is coming up more. So I tend to think maybe it's a sign of what's to come.
I'm 37yo female with no history of cancer in my family.
I appreciate your response. I'm sorry that any of us suffers through this. I hope things get easier for you. Are you getting any treatment for anxiety?
I'm glad I could be of any help.
I know when I was 20 (12 years ago) my childhood friend passed away from cancer and barely a month after I had a relapse into panic and HA, to which I had been immune for 1 full year, I had even quit medication for one year. While I thought it through so many times, I think it was two main things that caused my relapse:
- The sadness that I may not have lived to the full extent
- The reminder of my greatest fears, death, that seemed more tangible having a friend die.
Both these triggers seem to have happened to you, TWICE, recently. If I were you I wouldn't even guess twice, plus you're exposed to it a lot being a nurse as you say.
I believe we narrow our scope on our fears. You say you hear a lot of cancer-related stuff in ER, but I'm sure there are as many heart complication issues in your department, yet your focus stays on cancer. I'm not here to judge, I have the same thing but in reverse (worries are mainly focused on cardiovascular malfunctions).
As for treatment, I take benzodiazepines and SSRI's on a daily basis. Of course, the benzos I've been accostomed to, so I take an "extra" when my panic gets too out of control.
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