View Full Version : Forever feeling negative, unduly self-critical
I've been planning to post this for a while but needed to kind of "fine tune" what I was going to say but here goes....
I've struggled for decades to cope with bullying & criticism. I felt powerless to fight back. Despite huge improvements in the last 10 years, I'd still sink into fear mode again when something happened. I'm sure you know how this feels & its not pleasant at all. You pick yourself up & someone batters you down.
I've never had a good image of myself but was fed up with people treating me like a doormat. It's taken a long, long time but I've worked something out recently that's made a huge difference.....
I used to think it was enough to recognise when people are being unfairly negative or critical & to try & fight back. It's helpful to do this but it isnt a permanent solution. What I now realise is, to make these changes permanent, something else needs to come first.
What has made the difference for me is accepting myself. No frills, just being myself. Believing in the "real & natural me".
For my money..... before you can batter away the negative comments & stand up for yourself (& be kind to yourself too) before you can become assertive..... You need to accept yourself.
What I have realised is: I automatically believed other people's criticisms of me were true. All these years I let negative people bring me down. Even though I had huge successes in CBT, in generaly the situation still carried on year after year - until recently that is. This is how I have changed my beliefs about myself:
I made a firm decision to change my viewpoint. I chose to focus on positive comments I received from people: I now believe it when they say I am caring, generous, hard working, loyal, cheerful, intuitive.... the list goes on. Get me quoting a positive list! Most importantly - instead of just accepting it "on paper" I now wholly accept I am the person they describe. This is me. Some people dont like it - because I think when I am more confident, they see me as a threat. Isnt that crazy? I am so mild mannered I could never be a threat to anybody!
Secondly.... instead of allowing people to be negative about me or chip away with their unfounded criticisms, I decided it had to STOP. I am using assertiveness to stop people dragging me down. What gives those people the right to be unfairly critical about me? Nothing. At last, I am putting a stop to years of negativity from people in my life. I see the criticisms coming now & give them a quick assessment. Of course if someone is being constructive that is ok. But plain negativity is no longer welcome. I will not accept it. All this time I have been unable to fight back. Standing up for myself was so difficult.
The biggest turning point has been accepting myself. Believing in myself.
What I find amazing is that when I am assertive, people act differently towards me. They do stand back & they take note. This could be you.
If you are feeling negative about yourself, then post here. If people are forever knocking you back - let's talk about it. I would really like to help. I really want to remain assertive & I know it will benefit me to keep in mind the things have made a difference for me. I hope that by sharing them, it will help other people too. x
Yep! That's me. Totally worthless, invisible and blameful and used. :weep:
But that's just it carnation. You are not those things at all.
Whats happened is that people in your life who are negative & have issues of their own.. Have projected their negativities on to you. They Have been taking it out on you. So you have become conditioned to believing (quite incorrectly) the negative & derogatory things they've said about you. They are wrong.
From reading your posts on the forum it is clear to me you are far from invisible in the eyes of members here..... In that You contribute regularly to threads & people value your opinion.
You clearly care about other people. No-one here would blame you for anything. Far from it. They would be grateful for your valued input to the forum. Unkind & selfish people in your life have used you & it must feel very difficult having to contend with all that goes with those experiences.
But that is something that can change. It can be challenging to set boundaries with people & Although it is hard to effect change & to become assertive, it is possible.
Sending you hugs.
Sunflower2
10-02-15, 22:53
I think you are both very strong ladies! From reading your posts, you do not give in easily, and you plough on through the difficulties!
The funny thing with me is that if someone else tells me I'm useless and can't do anything right etc, I will make it my goal to prove them wrong and more. Then they are so shocked they are surprised at how mistaken they are. And it makes me feel good! I love proving people wrong. But if I myself think I can't do something, I can't cope or manage, then I feel so down and rubbish about myself. I believe my own negative voice and struggle to see any positives, but will not believe anyone else's!
MyNameIsTerry
11-02-15, 04:50
I struggle with accepting myself to be honest and I know its a big factor holding me back.
I don't care as much about what other people think and I am assertive but I do obsess over situations where I've made someone else unhappy.
My big problem will lack of acceptance is how I've just rotted away in life. I've lost my career, my mates, any real future in the money stakes (no employer in my old line of work would touch me with my CV gap and many others wouldn't even for basic jobs around here) and physically I've put on a couple of stone and lost muscle which makes it worse. Being a man, I'm used to being strong and capable and when you lose that, your confidence and self esteem just die.
I think I would feel a lot better about myself if I could take action against the physical side which is about challenging anxiety. The rest I am going to have to just accept and let things happen.
Its hard though when you are brought up in this world to be a working productive person with a future. Its like life stands still and you are on the edge of society and may as well be invisible.
---------- Post added at 04:50 ---------- Previous post was at 04:32 ----------
Yep! That's me. Totally worthless, invisible and blameful and used. :weep:
I know you've mentioned Mindfulness and meditation a few times in threads so how about a different form of meditation such as Compassion Meditation?
I've read about this a while back when I was reading about a study on Mindfulness changing physical brain structures from scans and this appeared to also have merits from a different angle. I don't know much about it but I get the impression that its form of acceptance is based on compassion to oneself & others as opposed to acceptance from non judgement as seen in Mindfulness although Mindfulness is said to do some of the same things.
They've done studies of this. There is evidence that this form of meditation engages the compassionate parts of the brain to train empathy & positive thinking:
http://www.investigatinghealthyminds.org/cihmProjMeditation.html
Changing your Brain and Generosity Through Compassion Meditation Training
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-athletes-way/201212/mindfulness-training-and-the-compassionate-brain
And one for Mindfulness showing how it impacts on compassion as measured in a study:
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/meditation_causes_compassionate_action
Its still a school of Buddhism. So, maybe we should be studying from 2 schools to cover both angles?
Those links look really interesting terry, I need to find time to look at them.
Self-esteem issues can be very difficult to deal with. We can all chivvy each other along & help each other feel better about ourselves :-)
A good link for a workbook to help with assertiveness http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=51
Apologies for my comments being short but my frozen shoulder is killing me tonight :)
Self esteem and assertiveness are my biggest issues.
Assertiveness is something I've been working on. I still feel like bambi trying to walk when I'm assertive but I don't really care! I am what I am, no excuses needed.
But I've still got lots of issues with it, then again it's early days so I'm trying not to be critical of my progress.
I like myself, which is something I never thought I'd say, but I hate how I look. HATE IT. I can't think about a single positive about the way I look and it effects how I feel about myself. And I feel uncomfortable when people look at me or touch me because I feel repulsive, the only way I can handle that is to repress it, rationalize and not give into the hysteria. It effects me socially. But it's part of who I am.
Thanks Terry, as always. :)
I'll take a look at those. One of biggest Demons is how I actually feel about myself and the thoughts of despair. I feel the same way as you and more, but if I could conquer how I feel about myself, maybe; I might have a chance with progression. :shrug:
Thinking about this now, I have probably felt like this most of my Life.
One thing I do have is determination, courage and a good survival instinct.
It also gives me great satisfaction to help others in need, but basically, I don't give a damm about me.
This is a great thread. Tessar, you really have done a lot of work and are really clear and insightful about how you did it. I think a lot of the work comes from acceptance of who we are, the good, the "bad" (in quotes bc it usually isn't *actually/inherently* bad), etc. Then turning that into loving and having compassion for ourselves even when things feel really hard.
Self-esteem has been a struggle for me and self-confidence as well since I was really young. I still struggle sometimes, although with practice I am doing better than I used to. If somebody says things about you, that's on them. If somebody says something nasty that you internalize about yourself, most likely they are lashing out because something is going on within them instead and it's not even about you. And in the end, who cares anyway?
I had a supervisor in school who said if we treated ourselves the way we treat our best friends, we would all be better off. Compassion - for yourSELF - goes a long way.
MyNameIsTerry
12-02-15, 05:45
Thanks Terry, as always. :)
I'll take a look at those. One of biggest Demons is how I actually feel about myself and the thoughts of despair. I feel the same way as you and more, but if I could conquer how I feel about myself, maybe; I might have a chance with progression. :shrug:
Thinking about this now, I have probably felt like this most of my Life.
One thing I do have is determination, courage and a good survival instinct.
It also gives me great satisfaction to help others in need, but basically, I don't give a damm about me.
Yes, its very clear that you are determined because you are not sitting back, you keep trying things. You can also handle very difficult situations even though you don't think you can, as you have more recently.
I get a lot back by helping people too and I always did in my work.
Here is another one that might be helpful for you as it is a practice that relies on you sending out good wishes to yourself as well as others:
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/my_trouble_with_mindfulness
And a 2008 study from Stanford University found that teaching a loving-kindness meditation to non-meditators—a practice involving sending out good wishes to oneself, a loved one, and a stranger, often taught in conjunction with mindful breathing practices—can have positive effects on one’s mood and on positive evaluations of strangers. And this after only after seven minutes of training!
I think you are both very strong ladies! From reading your posts, you do not give in easily, and you plough on through the difficulties!
The funny thing with me is that if someone else tells me I'm useless and can't do anything right etc, I will make it my goal to prove them wrong and more. Then they are so shocked they are surprised at how mistaken they are. And it makes me feel good! I love proving people wrong. But if I myself think I can't do something, I can't cope or manage, then I feel so down and rubbish about myself. I believe my own negative voice and struggle to see any positives, but will not believe anyone else's!
Thank you Kimberley. You are definitely a strong person and also will not give up. I know what you mean about proving people wrong (& more).
A few years ago I had a horrible bully of a boss & he often belittled me. In the end it got so bad I was signed off for a fortnight (other stuff was going on too).
When I went back to work I decided I would get myself better & prove to him I was good at my job (& a good person too). I did those things. I always was good person anyway but just couldn't see that. These days if I see him I feel strong & he cannot bother me anymore.
---------- Post added at 20:25 ---------- Previous post was at 20:18 ----------
Terry.... Regardless of how you might sometimes view yourself (in a negative light) it's very apparent to me that you are an extremely knowledgable & very willing to help other people. Your experiences are obviously not something positive in your life, but I feel you spare turning that "bad" into a "good" by encouraging others & pointing them in the right direction to help themselves. I wonder what might make the difference in helping you to perhaps tackle the physical side of things? I was reading somewhere recently how exercise helps to boost motivation for other things. I do a lot of walking & have realised that this time last year I struggled to go for a walk during my lunch hour. This year I am doing pretty well on taking long walks several times a week. Any thoughts?
---------- Post added at 20:26 ---------- Previous post was at 20:25 ----------
A good link for a workbook to help with assertiveness http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=51
Apologies for my comments being short but my frozen shoulder is killing me tonight :)
How is your shoulder Annie??
I find that website full of really good work books. For a variety of things.
In fact, I mentioned it to my counsellor some time ago & she thought that it was a very useful resource.
---------- Post added at 20:40 ---------- Previous post was at 20:26 ----------
HalfJack; when i read your comment about feeling like bambi trying to walk when You are assertive ... thats a really good description.
Another one if my issues was not realising or believing that I am entitled to be assertive.
That also I am entitled to an option as well.
I am very well aware of these things now.
I also like where you say "I am what I am, no excuses needed."
That's so true!!! And good on you.
As its early days for you, something good is that you are embarking on a journey. i know some people dint like that expression but it is true. if you keep plugging away and remain positive that will help you so much.
Now.....HalfJack.... I hereby BAN you from any more comments about not liking how you look. It is not allowed. if you find yourself being critical in this way then STOP. As my therapist said to me years ago "no brownie points for that".
I will never forget sitting in the chair & she asked me to describe 5 (yes 5!!!) things I like about myself (as in my body).
Well I really struggled. I squirmed. She told me she could see me squirming. It felt so uncomfortable. But now, years l can tell you I like my neat hands, my hair, my fine skin, my smile. Oh and my therapist Said "you have smiling eyes". That has stayed with me all these years. And she is right.
Wow, that was quite an epistle. Maybe one day you can also describe yourself in a friendly, kind way.
Oh my goodness. I just read the next bit you said.... "I feel uncomfortable when people look at me or touch me because I feel repulsive, the only way I can handle that is to repress it, rationalize and not give into the hysteria. It effects me socially."
I could have written that. It describes where I have been in life quite a lot. What I will say is this. Whist you may feel that is part of who you are" that may feel absolute now, but it is possible to change this view of yourself. Most likely this sense of being repulsive & uncomfortable has come from experiences or people who were really negative about you. It takes a lot of work to shed these feelings/beliefs but it is entirely possible. You keep believing in yourself because you are worth it :-)
---------- Post added at 20:50 ---------- Previous post was at 20:40 ----------
Carnation; it is hard to change the image you have of yourself but it can happen.
Perhaps when you feel negative or self-critical, you could remind yourself that this "impression" of yourself is not a realistic view. You have been made to feel this way by unkind & selfish people. They project their own issues onto you.
It isn't pleasant when you are in despair. You can conquer how You feel about yourself & progression is possible.
its a long time to feel that way isnt it... most of your Life.
You are absolutely right .... you definitely have determination.
and you have already proved your courage in facing the things you have already.
You would never have got where you are today if you didnt have a survival instinct.
I'm glad that you get a sense of satisfaction from helping others in need, but please.... Apply the same kindness and pleasantries to yourself.
Start with the basics. Like yourself. Because being able to do that will set you on the way to winning your battle.
---------- Post added at 21:11 ---------- Previous post was at 20:50 ----------
Thank you swgrl09 for your comments, i really appreciate them. There was a time I found accepting compliments/praise really difficult, like I didn't deserve it. But now I am glad to say I am happy to accept it & it warms my hert.
I agree totall with what you said about "a lot of the work comes from acceptance of who we are, the good, the "bad" (in quotes bc it usually isn't *actually/inherently* bad), etc. Then turning that into loving and having compassion for ourselves even when things feel really hard".
I'm so glad you are doing better with self-esteem & self-confidence. I agree with this to "If somebody says things about you, that's on them. If somebody says something nasty that you internalize about yourself, most likely they are lashing out because something is going on within them instead and it's not even about you. And in the end, who cares anyway? "
Yeah who cares? We care too damned much about what others say.... but I am getting so much better at realising when people are projecting their issues onto me.
Your supervisor was right about "if we treated ourselves the way we treat our best friends, we would all be better off. Compassion - for yourSELF - goes a long way." Definitely....!
Yep. I too have huge self-esteem issues. I actually cover the mirror with a towel when I shower, lest I see mysrlf naked and begin my critical self-loathing. It's frustrating and definitely adds to my anxiety. The trouble. The anger and depression kick in with my bad habits. I have been listening to Claire Weekes audio and that is helping. A soothing voice is always a positive.
I like your comment swgrl09.
This thread started by Tessar is very good.
I have always been so shy and because of that I could not answer back for myself.
When I was working I did my work properly , but if anything went wrong I was the one that got told off. I new who was to blame but did not dare to speak up.
When my boss was retiring he had a party for us.
He was continually apologising to me all night for the way I had been treated.
Now I am older I will not let anyone treat me in such a way.
I won't let many people get close, but I am getting better.
I have just started hugging people that I have backed away from before.:hugs:
hey cody, good to have you onboard. its very difficult trying to resolve self esteem issues but you are doing the right thing listening to claire weeks. i agree about soothing voice.
if you spot yourself being negative about yourself try to STOP yourself in your tracks. literally (in your head) shout STOP!!
then recite something positive about yourself.
not easy to start with but the more often you can say something positive - the sooner you will start to believe you are a worthwhile person. i am sure you are.
i have practiced standing in front of the mirror (just a little one that is) and just looking at myself. telling myself i am kind, considerate..... positive things.
these days i can actually see myself as just that. i can see my smile. i remind myself people like me.
it can take a while to get there but it's really worthwhile.
---------- Post added at 22:02 ---------- Previous post was at 21:56 ----------
thank you Magic. the way you describe yourself sounds so familiar to me. It relates to my childhood and my earlier working life.
Its awful when you feel unable to answer back. People can be so overbearing it's like you end up feeling that you're not entitled to a voice at all.
I cant believe that boss of yours. No good apologising so late in the day! A real test of character would have been to apologise much sooner and put things right years before.
So glad you wont let anyone treat you that way now. What you say about "I won't let many people get close, but I am getting better." that sounds like me too.
Oh my, and what you say about "I have just started hugging people that I have backed away from before". Thats me all over too! i am able to hug people now but it takes time to build up to that point. I remind myself that even though I am comfortable hugging or being hugged by people I like and trust, if there is someone I dont trust or like then I am not obliged to hug them. It is entirely my choice and so it is yours.
Magic and Tessar- love what you both have said about hugs. I HATED hugs for so long and hated the closeness with others. I find I am the one offering them now. It's weird lol but sometimes I do find it difficult when I DON'T want to hug somebody, like you mentioned Tessar - we aren't obliged to and that is fair! It is perfectly acceptable to set our own boundaries with people.
I'm afraid I wasn't brought up to 'Hug'.
But I Do!
I hug my Cat, Friends and of course; my Partner. :)
A :hugs: goes a long way................:)
MyNameIsTerry
17-02-15, 05:12
Hi Tessar,
Thanks, that means a lot. I figure at least helping means I make some use of myself and I like helping people, always have. I think it's easier to help someone else rather than yourself but it's also rewarding, especially when it's for free.
I go walking everyday for several hours to very exercise, fresh air, get out of the small space of the house and go in somewhere so I am around people. I also try to speak to someone if the opportunity is there as I find this is important when you are isolated by not working or having friends to socialise with. I leant this lesson when I recovered the first time because my walks were mostly countryside and when I went back to work, I struggled around people for a while. The first time I went in supermarkets back then were awful but less so this time as I initiated much quicker.
I used to worry about the sensations around breathing and heart rate but I've recently beaten this by having a sprint with my dog when I take him of walkies. It took some time bit it came from actively changing my thoughts about it when of of breath.
So, one down!
The other issue is the soreness issue because it's been one of my anxiety triggers as well. I don't think I will get past that until I expose myself to it though.
At the moment I've got some practical boundaries to resolve. Sciatica is a bit of an issue. Sleep pattern is the worst one as my daytime is other people's nightie and I can't wake them up working out.
Sleep pattern is a big barrier for everything with me anyway so I think that needs sorting first because I can't move forward much living at night.
Thank you Tessar. I know it's a process. I will keep working at it!
Hi. I felt an update was in order, even though this is a very old thread.
After spending a long time seeing a counsellor I am very pleased to say that I have left behind feelings of self-criticism. I still hear the little voice from time to time, you know the one that starts on about how you're lazy or no good at something. But the difference now is I truly believe in my self-worth. I am happy in myself. I know my worth as a person & I like myself.
Time was I would not have been able to make these statements let alone believe them.
To get this far it took a great deal of hard work. Eradicating past-beliefs meant working through painful feelings & memories but I can accept fully now the things certain cruel people said to me (& did to me) that made me feel so bad about myself were wrong. They were untrue. Those people had issues & they took their weaknesses out on me. This was wrong.
Now however I can see clearly how this had affected me. Having shed the emotions & re-built my self-esteem I can hold my head high. The result of this is:
I can walk into places feeling good about myself.
I accept who & what I am.
If people dont like me - well that's their loss.
I am no longer willing to change myself to please others.
I am just fine being me.
As regards negativity, if someone else wants to be negative well they can do that but if they pick on me in a negative manner - I will stop them. I will not accept criticism that's intended to chip away at me.
I am ok listening to anything meant in a constructive manner that is ultimately going to be helpful but if it is just negative for the sake of it then I draw the line there.
Its strange really as I am not used to feeling ok about myself.
But just getting this far is quite amazing.
I had an incident at work a few months ago where my manager criticsed me very publicly. The blamed me for something I had not done. I was astounded. Incensed actually. I took the matter to our director & said I would not tolerate being treated that way as it undermined everything good I'd worked on there.
The director took me very seriously & made my manager apologise.
At the time instead of allowing my feelings to swamp me, I used my anger as energy to fight the battle.
I went about it very calmly & since this time that manager has not verbally abused anyone.
Most of my colleagues did not know about the action I took but those that do commented to me they'd not have been able to do it. I felt very strong after accomplishing this & it was one of the major steps forward I took.
Ok, time to close..... but I do encourage anyone struggling with self-worth to make those (albeit scary) steps - one by one - towards standing up for yourself.
Because.... you are worth it.
HaroldMorse
05-11-15, 13:20
I’m bored of sneaking it. I’m not embarrassed by my mental fitness difficulties. They’re just very personal. Still, I understood that hiding my weaknesses won’t get them go on. Being revealed about them might support someone other, so I’m going to say you all regarding it.
Depression and stress both continue in my family. I’ve noticed my loved ones and several friends try with these ailments for so high and never believed that I, which was dubbed, would ever suffer the same pains. I’ve been fighting my anxiety for very some time though for 2 years I didn’t understand that I was.
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