louise123_uk
10-02-15, 21:17
First off I'm not sure I'm posting on the right forum here or even the right site but I used to post a while back about health worries so this site came to mind even though my current problems are not health related. Although I used to fret over health issues, it wasn't debilitating in my general life and I was a happy person overall, I wasn't anxious about other things in my life, it was just little niggles that would get me concerned, but over the last year or so my world has been pretty much turned upside down by constant anxiety and panic attacks that are stopping me enjoying everything I used to and ultimately actually liking life. The anxiety is caused by stress and bullying at work, and so this may be the wrong place to write about this so feel free to delete if it is.
But here goes....
I'm normally a very happy, bubbly person, I have nice family and friends and a lovely boyfriend, but have been ground down by a relentless bullying line manager who makes my weekdays a living hell. I really can hardly manage to get up on a weekday morning (more so than just the norm lol). The worst thing is about my situation is its not someone shouting in my face or threatening me in a way that would be really obvious and easy to sum up to talk to someone about getting something done about it. Its very subtle, clever, niggling bullying, think micromanagement, and nit picking the smallest tiniest things, holding constant meetings to discuss said tiny things and turning them into huge things. I've always been very competent at every other job (jobs similar to what I do now) and I've always loved where I work and the people, but since joining this new department my confidence is now soo low I'm starting to doubt myself and I'm even so low on confidence I'm finding it hard to apply for other jobs. I'm at the stage of not being really sure what way is up alot of the times, anxiety levels are constantly off the chart! I walk on eggshells each day until the inevitable dressing downs. I'm someone who stands up for myself, the first to complain when something goes wrong and step in to sort things out; in any other arena of my life I would be able to stand up to this woman, but for some reason she intimidates me soo much! Not in a physical way, shes actually very soft spoken and slight, but just by how cutting she is, and if I try to defend myself I'm called argumentative or told I shouldn't question things and talk back (I am spoken to like a very small child and have been called disobedient more than once), so i can't win. I have a heavy work load and work lots of extra hours without any remuneration for it but I'm always told I've not done enough work and that if I have to work extra its only because I'm not working hard enough in the day. There is only one other person in my office and unfortunately my line manager and the person know each other from their personal life and the other person doesn't get treated like I do at all, if they work all the hours they get praised for dedication not told they must slack during the day, or if they make a tiny mistake they're assured everyone does and they're only human whereas for something similar I would be deemed totally inadequate at my job and a witch hunt would be started. Other people can see whats happening, and colleagues in other teams and departments (its a large organisation), but not anyone who actually has anything to do with my team unfortunately and has any power to help. I'm so anxious all day I burst into tears over not much, I sit and shake, throw up and have suffer panic attacks in the car each morning when I can hardly make my legs carry me into work, and this is in turn slowing me up and actually making some small real mistakes happen, thus worsening my situation by providing easy real ammunition to shoot me with.
For the majority of the time filling my life up with nice things to look forward to has been enough, but its getting so that I think about work now all the time! No matter what I'm doing I'm fretting what might have been missed or not done perfectly to my line managers standard, and then fretting what I'll get said to me, and the emails I'll come into next morning. I went some amazing places on hol last year and was just constantly fretting. I hate being constantly terrified! Its just a crazy way to live, its sucking all my energy and life and i'm only 30. Its turned into almost constant fear now, even when I do get a run of good days at work, there has been so many days it hasn't, I'm stuck now just constantly waiting anxiously for the next bad thing at work to happen, some of the mornings I've had the worst anxiety before work I feel stupid later because nothing happened that particular day that bad.
I'm someone who is not defined by their work, its a job not really a calling and firmly think we work to live, but its so hard to just shut off when being made to feel so rubbish all day long when slogging away all day but not getting any recognition, in fact not just that but constantly being told I'm doing rubbish. I'm in the same room with my line manager but I'm not even allowed to speak to her, she is the most unapproachable person I've met, I have to email her, whereas the other girl in the office works closely with her on everything and barely carries responsibility for anything herself (were on the same grade). We have constant catch up meetings and I have to articulate at the start of the week what I will do every hour of the week to follow and justify at the end of the week why things that aren't done didn't get done (though no excuse washes) whereas my colleague just gets told don't worry about it you just had too much on!
I've been to Occ Health and they basically said there was nothing they could suggest really, bar six counselling sessions through work and basically get another job, this person won't change. The counselling helped a little, the first woman I saw was lovely and really seemed to understand, she had suffered severe work related stress and anxiety herself, but after three session she went off on long term sick and the next person I saw did not seem to really get it. I've tried my union but the rep where I work is not terribly helpful and as I've said right now i feel worthless and applying for other jobs itself fills me with stress and panic that actually my problems might just be all in my head and I'm not up to any job - I've been assured by quite a few people I'm not going crazy but its hard to believe it when I feel so rubbish.
I was prompted to post tonight as when reading over an endless to do list to be accomplished by end of week I've thought of something that is wrong that isn't really my fault but could be if you really wanted to twist things round to make it so, its actually something my line manager has slipped up on and let off the radar but that she'll say I should have thought of and caught... I'm terrified of what will happen tomorrow, some days I think it would be better if I lost my job but then I also feel angry because I like the actual place I work and most people there, its just my current role and manager that are making things horrible!
I don't want to go to the doc and get signed off because I don't know how I'd ever face going back once I was away, and I don't want to take medication as I can identify a real cause to my anxiety and stress. I'm just wondering really how others cope with constantly feeling anxious I guess...
I don't think I've explained my situation very well as is does rather have arms and legs and isn't straight forward, and what I've written is certainly much too long and should probs be deleted but I'm just feeling abit desperate and trapped right now. I want to enjoy life again not be a wreck who even when socialising at the weekend can barely think straight and hold a conversation. My friends and family are understanding right now but I think will eventually think I'm bonkers and get sick of me. I feel like such a failure in life generally and think this is pretty much what a lot of people must be secretly thinking. I just feel so different to everyone else that I'm scared all the time, I know people don't really understand and are just being nice when I explain why I haven't called them lately or replied to messages, I don't want to land up allowing my current feelings to drive people away...
But here goes....
I'm normally a very happy, bubbly person, I have nice family and friends and a lovely boyfriend, but have been ground down by a relentless bullying line manager who makes my weekdays a living hell. I really can hardly manage to get up on a weekday morning (more so than just the norm lol). The worst thing is about my situation is its not someone shouting in my face or threatening me in a way that would be really obvious and easy to sum up to talk to someone about getting something done about it. Its very subtle, clever, niggling bullying, think micromanagement, and nit picking the smallest tiniest things, holding constant meetings to discuss said tiny things and turning them into huge things. I've always been very competent at every other job (jobs similar to what I do now) and I've always loved where I work and the people, but since joining this new department my confidence is now soo low I'm starting to doubt myself and I'm even so low on confidence I'm finding it hard to apply for other jobs. I'm at the stage of not being really sure what way is up alot of the times, anxiety levels are constantly off the chart! I walk on eggshells each day until the inevitable dressing downs. I'm someone who stands up for myself, the first to complain when something goes wrong and step in to sort things out; in any other arena of my life I would be able to stand up to this woman, but for some reason she intimidates me soo much! Not in a physical way, shes actually very soft spoken and slight, but just by how cutting she is, and if I try to defend myself I'm called argumentative or told I shouldn't question things and talk back (I am spoken to like a very small child and have been called disobedient more than once), so i can't win. I have a heavy work load and work lots of extra hours without any remuneration for it but I'm always told I've not done enough work and that if I have to work extra its only because I'm not working hard enough in the day. There is only one other person in my office and unfortunately my line manager and the person know each other from their personal life and the other person doesn't get treated like I do at all, if they work all the hours they get praised for dedication not told they must slack during the day, or if they make a tiny mistake they're assured everyone does and they're only human whereas for something similar I would be deemed totally inadequate at my job and a witch hunt would be started. Other people can see whats happening, and colleagues in other teams and departments (its a large organisation), but not anyone who actually has anything to do with my team unfortunately and has any power to help. I'm so anxious all day I burst into tears over not much, I sit and shake, throw up and have suffer panic attacks in the car each morning when I can hardly make my legs carry me into work, and this is in turn slowing me up and actually making some small real mistakes happen, thus worsening my situation by providing easy real ammunition to shoot me with.
For the majority of the time filling my life up with nice things to look forward to has been enough, but its getting so that I think about work now all the time! No matter what I'm doing I'm fretting what might have been missed or not done perfectly to my line managers standard, and then fretting what I'll get said to me, and the emails I'll come into next morning. I went some amazing places on hol last year and was just constantly fretting. I hate being constantly terrified! Its just a crazy way to live, its sucking all my energy and life and i'm only 30. Its turned into almost constant fear now, even when I do get a run of good days at work, there has been so many days it hasn't, I'm stuck now just constantly waiting anxiously for the next bad thing at work to happen, some of the mornings I've had the worst anxiety before work I feel stupid later because nothing happened that particular day that bad.
I'm someone who is not defined by their work, its a job not really a calling and firmly think we work to live, but its so hard to just shut off when being made to feel so rubbish all day long when slogging away all day but not getting any recognition, in fact not just that but constantly being told I'm doing rubbish. I'm in the same room with my line manager but I'm not even allowed to speak to her, she is the most unapproachable person I've met, I have to email her, whereas the other girl in the office works closely with her on everything and barely carries responsibility for anything herself (were on the same grade). We have constant catch up meetings and I have to articulate at the start of the week what I will do every hour of the week to follow and justify at the end of the week why things that aren't done didn't get done (though no excuse washes) whereas my colleague just gets told don't worry about it you just had too much on!
I've been to Occ Health and they basically said there was nothing they could suggest really, bar six counselling sessions through work and basically get another job, this person won't change. The counselling helped a little, the first woman I saw was lovely and really seemed to understand, she had suffered severe work related stress and anxiety herself, but after three session she went off on long term sick and the next person I saw did not seem to really get it. I've tried my union but the rep where I work is not terribly helpful and as I've said right now i feel worthless and applying for other jobs itself fills me with stress and panic that actually my problems might just be all in my head and I'm not up to any job - I've been assured by quite a few people I'm not going crazy but its hard to believe it when I feel so rubbish.
I was prompted to post tonight as when reading over an endless to do list to be accomplished by end of week I've thought of something that is wrong that isn't really my fault but could be if you really wanted to twist things round to make it so, its actually something my line manager has slipped up on and let off the radar but that she'll say I should have thought of and caught... I'm terrified of what will happen tomorrow, some days I think it would be better if I lost my job but then I also feel angry because I like the actual place I work and most people there, its just my current role and manager that are making things horrible!
I don't want to go to the doc and get signed off because I don't know how I'd ever face going back once I was away, and I don't want to take medication as I can identify a real cause to my anxiety and stress. I'm just wondering really how others cope with constantly feeling anxious I guess...
I don't think I've explained my situation very well as is does rather have arms and legs and isn't straight forward, and what I've written is certainly much too long and should probs be deleted but I'm just feeling abit desperate and trapped right now. I want to enjoy life again not be a wreck who even when socialising at the weekend can barely think straight and hold a conversation. My friends and family are understanding right now but I think will eventually think I'm bonkers and get sick of me. I feel like such a failure in life generally and think this is pretty much what a lot of people must be secretly thinking. I just feel so different to everyone else that I'm scared all the time, I know people don't really understand and are just being nice when I explain why I haven't called them lately or replied to messages, I don't want to land up allowing my current feelings to drive people away...