View Full Version : Dare to dream
"We can change things, though. Or rather, you can. Hope exists whether we choose to see it or not. It exists independently of us; it is an idea, and as our relentless purges have proven, you cannot kill an idea. Hope does not die, as we do not truly die."
- Sabbat Martyr, "Marneus Calgar's Barmy Army"
Hi all. I used to come here all the time while I was severely ill with anxiety and depression. Or rather, when I was incorrectly diagnosed with anxiety and depression.
It turns out that all my life, I have been affected by asperger syndrome, which has led to certain communication difficulties (and some temper tantrums, yep, teddy left the pram a few times), but most of my actual problems come from ADHD. And not just any ADHD. Oh no, I've got ADHD up the wazoo.
In fact, I'm so impaired by it, I scored a mighty 85 out of 100 on an executive functioning test. That means my mental functions are so impaired by ADHD, I achieved a score they tend to see in people who are brain damaged. I'm tempted to add some kind of humorous Beat that, trout-sniffers! remark, but apparently NMP is not a competition :roflmao:
Seriously, I start treatment for ADHD on Monday, possibly Strattera. There is little help for me in the real world - nobody knows an aspie who's come as far as I have, or an adult who's been diagnosed with ADHD, so just like back in the day I am blazing my own trail and finding everything out the hard way.
Hopefully this will help others in the same situation (though how anyone else would get into the weird and ridiculous situations I do is hard to imagine) and I would appreciate any support.
It's touch-your-toes time for anxiety.
Good luck with the treatment you are starting on Monday. I hope you find it helps.
I'm new here so in no position to offer advice and am struggling to string a sentence together, but I just want to say you commented on a post I made and did so in a meaningful, positive and coherent way, you brought tears to my eyes and made me realise things weren't quiet as bad as I thought.
I hope your treatment helps and you strike me as a strong capable person that deals with the cr#p life throws at you with strength and humor.
I also wish you luck for your forthcoming treatment. Just be careful that you are seeing professionals who are fully clued up about ASD and how ADHD can be an extension of the continuum. Be very careful when it comes to medication-it's a lot more complicated with Asperger's.
Hi Poet,
Good luck with the treatment.
WOW! Good luck Psyche. I hope everything goes well with the treatment.
Sarah
Good luck and best wishes PP
Really good to hear from you PsychoPoet, its been a while!
Here's to hoping the treatment will be beneficial :-)
I recall that you have made good contributions to threads on this site before and I hope that you'll be able to continue posting too. Also from time to time it would be really good if you could let us know how you're doing with the treatment and in general.
Hi all, thank you for your support. It means a lot to me.
The appointment did not go as planned. The doctor said some clever things and some stupid ones. He believes that despite my diagnoses of ADHD and asperger syndrome, my problems began with an attachment disorder when I was very little, which created an anxiety problem which snowballed and was never diagnosed, treated or controlled. The snowball has been rolling for 35 years, leaving me with significant impairment.
To an extent, this could explain some of my impulsiveness and would definitely explain my physical and mental tension, my ruminating and worrying tendencies, bouts of low mood (dysthymia) and my almost paralysed inability to take my place in the world or face difficult life situations. It doesn't completely explain why my executive functioning has been impaired to such a severe level as anxiety alone does not have such an effect, so that must be where my ADHD and aspergers come in, f**k what the doctor thinks.
He said in his opinion I am too eloquent and too intelligent to be aspergers, which is utterly preposterous. Many aspies have advanced vocabularies, and anyone of any intelligence can be an aspie. He also said I cannot really be severely ADHD as I finished school (despite being taken out of it for a year) and college (despite quitting it once and going back two years later). When I told my therapist this, it's the first and only time I've heard her use the F-word.
I am going back to the mental health access team where I will be prescribed the lowest dose of an antipsychotic tranquiliser such as olanzepeine. I am not psychotic and I am not seriously ill; my brain works too fast and needs to be slowed down, and the medication will also reduce or break my tendency to think and behave repetitively. It is known to be effective when given to autistic people.
The theory is, by reducing my tension level, my overall anxiety and my tendency to ruminate and worry obsessively, my brain will literally heal itself and I will be able to break free once and for all.
Basically as Claire Weekes says, it's not about how it started, it's about curing present sensitisation.
Unfortunately I could be waiting another three months and there is no guarantee they won't simply send me back to the ADHD unit. It's like ringing a call centre and being passed to different departments when you're pretty sure you've already spoken to the right department but they didn't know what they were doing!
It may be an idea to contact the National Autistic Society as you need an accurate diagnosis from professionals who are expert in helping aspies to receive appropriate therapy and medication if needed. Olanzapine is commonly prescribed but it's got its side effects which you may not like?
It's so hard to find help which will actually be beneficial. Don't get carried away by labels though-especially if you're not seeing someone who truly knows about ASD.
Hi PP ,i take 5mg olanzapine I put on a bit of weight with it at first other than that I dont get any other side effects.Its a very good med for calming your thoughts down and relaxing you,it also helps with sleep.Its often used in low doses off label for anxiety
Good luck and keep fighting the fight
what you say makes total sense to me psychopoet. i hope they do sort this out soon. what gets me is, you have a good understanding of how your illness affects you - and you are positive and keen to sort it out. the doctors are the ones slowing things down and putting a spanner in the works. if you ask me, they need a kick up the backside! nothing worse than being passed from pillar to post (and back).
Pulisa, I've got an official diagnosis of asperger syndrome, it's just this one doctor who chose to ignore it. The problem with nervous illness, or mental illness of any kind, is that people cannot see it. It's been suggested to me that I am too positive, which has screwed me when dealing with health professionals and the government.
MrAndy, thank you for your input, I'm glad you had no other side effects. That would indicate the medication was the right one for you. My therapist told me I'd definitely gain some weight but said I shouldn't experience the horrible side effects I got from taking SSRIs.
Tessar - EXACTLY. The health professionals hate it when someone walks in who already knows their stuff. They seem to want to protect their pride or assert their superiority, rather than work with the patient.
PP, I know that you've already been formally diagnosed but this can just be the beginning. Sometimes "standard" mental health professionals fall short when it comes to assessing and helping anyone on the spectrum. I know that some NHS clinics just diagnose and then leave you to it-there is no follow-up care but Asperger's is such a complex "condition" and people need very specialised help sometimes.
I hope that the olanzapine works for you-I'm sure you've done your research on it!
Hi everyone, my apologies for the necro-bump.
My life has changed a lot since last year. I have recently come out of a relationship which I couldn't cope with due to extremely stressful circumstances. Even if I hadn't been an anxiety sufferer I doubt it would have gone on much longer.
Unfortunately I still have residual feelings for her and in spite of her difficult situation - and much to my shock - she has already got together with someone else, a person who she had previously described as "weird" and shown no affection for at all. She is now saying she has always had strong feelings for him and she's only just realised it. I guess this is what happens when you date someone who declares undying love within a week.
I am breaking my own word by going back on Plenty of Fish. Thing is, I hate the dating game, I'm not sure why I even want to be part of it. Nothing good has come from POF and I find online dating to be quite biased against men, especially the ones like me who actually have good intentions.
I don't think I suck at being a boyfriend. I know why most of my relationships ended, some because of me, some because of them, although there are one or two mysteries. I suffer from very low self-worth and I get into relationships with people who are just too different from me because they have given me attention, or I take it personally if (for example) I'm exchanging messages with someone and she abruptly stops replying, which happens very often on POF, even with conversations that are amazing.
I guess that if my self-worth is broken, I need to fix it before I get back into dating. I need to realise that if I'm not enough for someone, she's not enough for me. I need to accept that it is possible to succeed in life by being the good guy.
My single female friends over 30 are the ones that like bad boys. They're living in houses they can't afford, raising kids by different blokes, and are always pining after one of those blokes, one that treated her like crap and has had a string of other women.
That's not my world, and I need to stop feeling bad if this type of person doesn't want me. They have failed at life, but I've still got a chance to build something good. And if it turns out that only one woman out of four billion is my soul mate, well, how many do I need?
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