izzybizzy
13-02-15, 00:39
:):ohmy:
Ok about 4 weeks ago I was in the depths of despair, I had PMS, full blown panic attacks, I was going out drinking every weekend, feeling basically like crap, so I decided to stop drinking at weekends, I went for a break away for a weekend at my ex's it was lovely and we kind of rekindled and may be moving in together, he's a wonderful guy, I just couldn't cope when I was really depressed and anxious when we used to go out.
Anyhow I came back up and my mood dropped again, I had day after day of health anxiety, I started thinking about going on meds, I was in pain, just felt like total and utter rubbish, was feeling depressed, and that I wished I'd never been born kind of stuff.
Then I decided to go back to my spiritual stuff even though I was really starting to get annoyed with it, what was the point in meditating, learning Reiki, etc if when I felt like this I felt so unconnected, I still gave it a bash, I went and got a Reiki treatment from someone else, I meditated, did some Shamanic Journeying and started writing letters to a spirit guide, may sound cheesy but I did I just let things off my chest, asked for help and said thank you.
This past week WOW, I've been standing up for myself more often, I've been friends with a very demanding and selfish friend, shes been there for me but usually only so she can gain things from me, favors etc, babysitting, she is a single mum to two kids, so I do feel for her, but she's massively draining to be around and makes me more negative, she's passive aggressive when she doesn't get what she wants and I was getting extra anxiety around her as I couldn't relax a lot, don't get me wrong we had good talks and laughs but the bad outweighs the good, anyways, I have managed to start saying NO to her unreasonable demands, I've started saying what I want in my life.
No I don't want to live on your street right in your pocket
No I don't to do the same uni course as you just because you don't want to do it alone
No I don't want to come over every night just because we are both at the moment single
I've also quit smoking, still not really drinking, odd glass of wine if I fancy it, eating better than I was, still struggle with the bulimia a little but much better, I can GET UP in the mornings and without being super b*tch like usual, this is a huge one for me, I've struggled to wake up in the mornings for around 2 years maybe more, it had been getting a lot worse lately due to all the panic attacks, but now I'm up and ready and my daughter wakes up to a happy smiley mum, not a grumpy quiet mum.
I feel like crying typing this, I'm scared it won't last or i'll get bad again but I can't fear it fear is what got me here in the first place.
Please anyone suffering, I have been suicidal, ready to section myself, I've wished I wasn't born, I've hated myself, beat myself up, self harmed, put myself down, punished myself for being not good enough not worthy, I've hid in the house afraid to go out, I've freaked out and left events, and look at the positive things I am saying and feeling, honestly, don't give up.
I'll keep posted, I hope this keeps up, I want to be free of A, I deserve to be
Ok about 4 weeks ago I was in the depths of despair, I had PMS, full blown panic attacks, I was going out drinking every weekend, feeling basically like crap, so I decided to stop drinking at weekends, I went for a break away for a weekend at my ex's it was lovely and we kind of rekindled and may be moving in together, he's a wonderful guy, I just couldn't cope when I was really depressed and anxious when we used to go out.
Anyhow I came back up and my mood dropped again, I had day after day of health anxiety, I started thinking about going on meds, I was in pain, just felt like total and utter rubbish, was feeling depressed, and that I wished I'd never been born kind of stuff.
Then I decided to go back to my spiritual stuff even though I was really starting to get annoyed with it, what was the point in meditating, learning Reiki, etc if when I felt like this I felt so unconnected, I still gave it a bash, I went and got a Reiki treatment from someone else, I meditated, did some Shamanic Journeying and started writing letters to a spirit guide, may sound cheesy but I did I just let things off my chest, asked for help and said thank you.
This past week WOW, I've been standing up for myself more often, I've been friends with a very demanding and selfish friend, shes been there for me but usually only so she can gain things from me, favors etc, babysitting, she is a single mum to two kids, so I do feel for her, but she's massively draining to be around and makes me more negative, she's passive aggressive when she doesn't get what she wants and I was getting extra anxiety around her as I couldn't relax a lot, don't get me wrong we had good talks and laughs but the bad outweighs the good, anyways, I have managed to start saying NO to her unreasonable demands, I've started saying what I want in my life.
No I don't want to live on your street right in your pocket
No I don't to do the same uni course as you just because you don't want to do it alone
No I don't want to come over every night just because we are both at the moment single
I've also quit smoking, still not really drinking, odd glass of wine if I fancy it, eating better than I was, still struggle with the bulimia a little but much better, I can GET UP in the mornings and without being super b*tch like usual, this is a huge one for me, I've struggled to wake up in the mornings for around 2 years maybe more, it had been getting a lot worse lately due to all the panic attacks, but now I'm up and ready and my daughter wakes up to a happy smiley mum, not a grumpy quiet mum.
I feel like crying typing this, I'm scared it won't last or i'll get bad again but I can't fear it fear is what got me here in the first place.
Please anyone suffering, I have been suicidal, ready to section myself, I've wished I wasn't born, I've hated myself, beat myself up, self harmed, put myself down, punished myself for being not good enough not worthy, I've hid in the house afraid to go out, I've freaked out and left events, and look at the positive things I am saying and feeling, honestly, don't give up.
I'll keep posted, I hope this keeps up, I want to be free of A, I deserve to be