Anxiety relapse after mindfulness course.

[befuddled1]

I don't really like the word relapse but it seems appropriate. I did an eight week mindfulness course at the end of last year. I came out of it hopeful, better able to concentrate, more in control I think. Now I have been consumed by anxiety again. I am trying to move away and build a new life and am consumed by anxieties about loss, about my partner and feeling a lot of hatred of myself. I've been discharged by the psychology services. I don't know where to turn. I am seeing my GP but I don't think it will lead anywhere. Perhaps I could blog my experiences and obtain some support that way. I'm so tired.

[NoPoet]

In your case, it's a "relapse" only as far as bad habits have returned. Habits are very hard to change. It takes a sustained effort and in the early days we tend to need support for this, as our confidence is nearly at rock bottom. It takes practice every single day.

You probably improved during the mindfulness course not just because the course itself was beneficial, but also because you were getting appropriate support and had an outlet for your anxiety. In a sense, the course was allowing you to let off steam.

Learning new skills can be a tremendous boost to self-confidence and self-esteem, and socialising, even in a therapy session, connects you to the world in a way you might not be when you're anxious. Up-skilling also seems to be a major weapon against depression, just in case anyone else is reading this.

One of the first things that happens with anxiety is we get the urge to withdraw from the world which leads to an internal struggle between our higher self, which wants to be part of the world, and the anxiety, which wants to flee. You're at this crossroads now.

You were feeling better, you wanted to get out into the world and you proactively went for this, which is worthy of applause. You chose to take back what anxiety had taken from you. Anxiety bites back because it wants to survive. You're trying to build a new life and are understandably nervous about this because it represents the unknown. The anxiety is using that to get hold of you again.

The choice is now down to you. Will you allow the anxiety to take over, or will you continue working towards your new life, even though you feel anxious? Or to put it another way, will you feel the fear and do it anyway?

[JMA]

Up-skilling

I misread that as up-skiing, and was going to take you to task on playing fast and loose with the laws of gravity. As it is, you make some very good points.

OP, have you kept your mindfulness practice going? If not, and you would like to, there are always local meditating centres available to keep your hand in. Usually the local Buddhists have something going.

[SarahH]

There are also many mindfulness sessions on Utube which you can listen to. This could help you get back to "living" mindfully which will help your mind from running away with your thoughts.... listening to "shitFM" is hard work and Mindfulness stops this.

Sarah

[befuddled1]

I think "ShitFM" has been my radio station of choice for far too long. Keeping up mindfulness practice is massively hard when you are used to anxiety attacking everything that is meaningful to you... which of course it does in the case of mindfulness. What if mindfulness makes you numb? What if mindfulness makes you someone else and thereby takes something from you? These are some of the current attacks by anxiety holding me back from carrying on with mindfulness. There are some maintenance groups but they are difficult for me to get to. Thank you for the points you've made. Some are helpful reminders. I suppose it is anxiety that is dragging me down, and probably not my boyfriend or parents and their lack of support. It was just all so personal and internal as a positive change (with mindfulness and my ability to make changes I had wanted to for so long). I wanted more credit for it somehow. I wanted to celebrate it and have it validated. I worked for so long to get to that happier place...

[JMA]

What if mindfulness makes you someone else and thereby takes something from you?

...if that someone else has reduced anxiety, then that could be seen as a positive.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Keeping up mindfulness practice is massively hard when you are used to anxiety attacking everything that is meaningful to you... which of course it does in the case of mindfulness. What if mindfulness makes you numb? What if mindfulness makes you someone else and thereby takes something from you? These are some of the current attacks by anxiety holding me back from carrying on with mindfulness.

Yes, it is, its really hard but it gets easier. Healthy habits can be added and then kept so that we continue to reap the benefits.

I too stopped my practice after about a year as I was experiencing a lot of fatigue so I'm getting back into it at the moment. I noticed after 6 months of so from starting that my attitude really changed and I wanted to do more things & be more positive. Since stopping, after a while it became a battle again and things seemed to become less possible. So, I know it works and I also know that its something you do for life really otherwise those negative thoughts can come back if you haven't completely recovered.

Can it dull you? Can it make you someone else?

Have a read of this which explains some of this:

http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/my_trouble_with_mindfulness

[befuddled1]

Thanks, I will have a read.