ECR
14-01-07, 22:46
Hi all.
Before I tell you that state I'm in, I need to explain what kind of December I had as its impossible to it isn't connected.
In December after lots of planning:
1. I got married to my partner
This meant:
A - I Saw my brother for the first time in 7 years (and had a big emotional to-do with him over him not being my best man)
B - I saw my parents (which is a very traumatic experience for me - something I've only recently started doing again after many years)
C - It was in fact the first time in nearly 25 years that my whole family were in a room together at the same time
2. I had my first Christmas with my daughter (I should probably explain that I had her with an incredibly close friend of mine. She is not my partner - I'm gay)
3. We celebrated my daughter's first birthday a few days after Christmas
Now you can all imagine the enormity of getting married. And of seeing my parents (believe me when I tell you the story there is long and hardcore). I hope some of you can relate to the idea that sometimes even the good things in life kind of hit you hard. I have spent the last year feeling overwhelmed by my daughter. I am totally in love with her and in fact I think there is a side of me that strongly feels I don't deserve this blessing. I think I feel the same about my partner. But what I'm trying to say is that while Christmas and her first birthday were nothing but wonderful, I think emotionally I am just overwhelmed.
So ok, that's enough set up. If anyone's still awake.
A few days after the wedding (middle of December), I started getting pains in my left arm. I would wake up with it numb (pins and needles through to very very numb) having slept on it. I'd move and it would be fine in a minute. As I have blood pressure and heart issues (one of the roots of my anxiety), I went to see my GP to rule out my heart as the cause which he did.
But then I started noticing small little patches of kind of tingling in my right hand. A couple of fingers or a spuare inch on the back of my hand. I'd also get weird tight sensations at various points in my arm.
I did the worst thing I could. I looked up the symptom on the net. Oh deary me.
At first I was concerned it was an oncoming stroke. Then I realized there is no such symptom. At least not one that last for several days (laughing at myself as I type that). But then I saw that tingling and numbness is one of the first signs of MS.
Now this stuck. The worry that I could have MS became all consuming (as my sudden irrational health fears tend to). I continuously looked up MS signs and symptoms. None of which I had.
Then I got what felt like a cold in my left eye. Just a bit of itchyness and a bit of blurryness that would go away when I rubbed it. My vision seemed slightly weird and yet seemed normal at the same time (only a hypochondriac can understand that one!) Hence I started continuously testing my sight by putting a hand over one eye and then the other one. 3 or 4 days on and my left eye feels fine but I feel like I'm seeing lots of transparent dots and stars - almost the effect one gets after staring at the sun or something really bright. I have discovered that the vision in my left eye is actually a bit blurry - I can't easily read really small print that I can with my right (which I think is probably just age as opposed to something acute). Again my vision seems weird and yet it really doesn't at the same time. Certain rooms seem kind of darker than I expect them to be. And all I keep focusing on the transparent dots rather than what I'm looking at. This is all freaking me out but none of this is actually eye symptoms one gets with MS!
This behaviour and the pattern of doing this after a stressful period is so perfectly me. I understand that, I recognize that. When I've thought I was having a heart attack, when I thought I had HIV, when I thought I was going deaf or had hyperacusis - it all turned out to be anxiety. I have a friend with MS who I spoke to and she doesn't think I have any real grounds to worry about MS on. Why can'
Before I tell you that state I'm in, I need to explain what kind of December I had as its impossible to it isn't connected.
In December after lots of planning:
1. I got married to my partner
This meant:
A - I Saw my brother for the first time in 7 years (and had a big emotional to-do with him over him not being my best man)
B - I saw my parents (which is a very traumatic experience for me - something I've only recently started doing again after many years)
C - It was in fact the first time in nearly 25 years that my whole family were in a room together at the same time
2. I had my first Christmas with my daughter (I should probably explain that I had her with an incredibly close friend of mine. She is not my partner - I'm gay)
3. We celebrated my daughter's first birthday a few days after Christmas
Now you can all imagine the enormity of getting married. And of seeing my parents (believe me when I tell you the story there is long and hardcore). I hope some of you can relate to the idea that sometimes even the good things in life kind of hit you hard. I have spent the last year feeling overwhelmed by my daughter. I am totally in love with her and in fact I think there is a side of me that strongly feels I don't deserve this blessing. I think I feel the same about my partner. But what I'm trying to say is that while Christmas and her first birthday were nothing but wonderful, I think emotionally I am just overwhelmed.
So ok, that's enough set up. If anyone's still awake.
A few days after the wedding (middle of December), I started getting pains in my left arm. I would wake up with it numb (pins and needles through to very very numb) having slept on it. I'd move and it would be fine in a minute. As I have blood pressure and heart issues (one of the roots of my anxiety), I went to see my GP to rule out my heart as the cause which he did.
But then I started noticing small little patches of kind of tingling in my right hand. A couple of fingers or a spuare inch on the back of my hand. I'd also get weird tight sensations at various points in my arm.
I did the worst thing I could. I looked up the symptom on the net. Oh deary me.
At first I was concerned it was an oncoming stroke. Then I realized there is no such symptom. At least not one that last for several days (laughing at myself as I type that). But then I saw that tingling and numbness is one of the first signs of MS.
Now this stuck. The worry that I could have MS became all consuming (as my sudden irrational health fears tend to). I continuously looked up MS signs and symptoms. None of which I had.
Then I got what felt like a cold in my left eye. Just a bit of itchyness and a bit of blurryness that would go away when I rubbed it. My vision seemed slightly weird and yet seemed normal at the same time (only a hypochondriac can understand that one!) Hence I started continuously testing my sight by putting a hand over one eye and then the other one. 3 or 4 days on and my left eye feels fine but I feel like I'm seeing lots of transparent dots and stars - almost the effect one gets after staring at the sun or something really bright. I have discovered that the vision in my left eye is actually a bit blurry - I can't easily read really small print that I can with my right (which I think is probably just age as opposed to something acute). Again my vision seems weird and yet it really doesn't at the same time. Certain rooms seem kind of darker than I expect them to be. And all I keep focusing on the transparent dots rather than what I'm looking at. This is all freaking me out but none of this is actually eye symptoms one gets with MS!
This behaviour and the pattern of doing this after a stressful period is so perfectly me. I understand that, I recognize that. When I've thought I was having a heart attack, when I thought I had HIV, when I thought I was going deaf or had hyperacusis - it all turned out to be anxiety. I have a friend with MS who I spoke to and she doesn't think I have any real grounds to worry about MS on. Why can'