Thought it was about time i introduced myself!

[Sue]

Hi, my name is Sue and I am by no means a new member as I have logging in to this site most days for the last few months and have found the information very helpful and re-assuring.

I had my first panic attack on October 6th last year (will never forget that date!). I was at work, my office had moved location almost exactly a year prior to that date and I was struggling with the much longer commute. It was early in the morning and I was getting some water from the drinks dispenser. As I stood to go back to my desk, it felt as if my legs wouldnt hold me, I went dizzy, hot, felt sick etc etc and was very very scared.

I went outside and by lunchtime felt slightly better and managed to get home and to the doctors (emergency appt!) He suggested it was a panic attack brought on by the stress of my long journey. He arranged to take some blood tests, prescribed propranalol and signed me off for 2 weeks. I thought that would be the end of it...how wrong can you be!!

The week before all this, my neice had been born so as I was off work I decided I would visit (they live in West Country). Luckily I took my Mum with me because as I was coming down the slip road to join the M4 the same feelings hit me again only worse. She took over and we got there somehow but I was dreading coming back. Have had problems with driving ever since.

To cut a very long story short, I was off work for about 10 weeks by which time I was on fluoxetine as well. I went back just before Xmas and lasted til end of Feb. Havent been back since. My employers instructed occupational health and I proceded to go down a very long, medical route with them including seeing occupational health doctor a few times. (Imagine my stress levels on thoses days!)

I have also been having CBT and have been referred to the local mental health team.

My employers finally came back to me mid August and said docs report suggested that journey to work caused extreme anxiety disorder. (Well I never!)

Anyway, they have offered to make me redundant and as I have been with them nearly twenty years ( I am 35) I will get a decent pay out. The alternative was to take downgrade and try to get job with same co locally. I have decided to take the money and now have to phone them tomorrow to tell them (oh God!)

Any way thats me, If you told me 12 months ago I would have been through all this and lost my job I would not have beleived it. I am still suffering, cant drive far at all, especially alone and several other phobias including agoraphobia (which has improved a bit with CBT) but I always seem to feel very worried about something. I always was very positve and confident.

Sorry if this is a bit long.

Regards,

Sue

[Meg]

Hi Sue,

Glad you did decide to introduce yourself.Welcome.

What a year ! I'm sorry to hear that you will be losing your job over it .
Have you thought of what you might try to do next ?

How actively are you working on your driving and other phobias ?

Are you still on fluoxetine ?





Meg

Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch

[sal]

Hi Sue

Welcome to the site and pleased you had put a post on so we can help you.

You have had a lot happen to you within the year, its is funny how the time passes and the anxiety creeps up on you and feels like it has taken control of your life.

I am sorry to hear that you have decided to give up your job, but as the travelling was causing you so much anxiety and stress you have probably made the best decision you could under the circumstances.

Maybe a long with more time of and no pressure of working immediately you might be able to move further forward than you have and get back into working nearer to home at a later date.

I am pleased you are having CBT as it does really help.

Good luck.

Take care.



Love Sal xxxxx

[sarah]

HI Sue

You are right, we never will forget 'that' date will we?

A little word of advice from someone who has been there. The longer you leave it till you get another job, the harder it will be to face getting back into things. I took time off after I got made redundant and decided I needed a break, the break turned into avoidance and here I am some 20 odd months later, just getting back into the work thing. By all means have a break but just make sure you dont start avoiding.

take care
love Sarah
xx

[Sue]

Thank you all for your replies and I appreciate the words of warning about avoiding work. Its going to be very hard as I have now been off for so long but I am considering trying some temping (get out clause if needed!)

My Mum is so sweet, she has just told me that now immediate work worries are over, she has booked us a weeks holiday in Norfolk. Smiled and said thanks but have spent last two hours worrying, how will we get there, what will we do , what if I cant go out when we get there etc etc. Will go because she has been huge support over last year but between us could without it right now! Too tired to think too much about it tonight, will start worrying about that once call to work is done in the morning.

Meg, No mental health team took me off fluoxtine and put me on sertraline (lustral)

Thanks again,

Sue

[richardy]

Norfolk is great really really relaxing, think more about what you'll be doing when your there, things you enjoy, walk somewhere around your hotel, sit a chat, and just relax, you owe it to youself :).

I to dislike journey's i hate traffic jams and the fear of breaking down somewhere, i now drive earlier to beat the traffic, that helps me feel better as i know that they'll be less traffic around, i'll get help quicker from the AA if i need it (they'll be less busy!). I also plan my route via lots of service stations, places i'd like to see.

I suffer from the anxious cycle which effects me needing the toilet, so i have to plan where i'll stop if needs be, then if i'm ok i can drive past and carry on knowing i've achieved 1 more mile than last time.

I have seen the world from inside a cubicle, it all looks the same, and i laugh with myself, that easies the tension, i think that in this world at this time there will be another 10,000 people sitting in a toilet going through the same thing as me. I'm not alone, and your not either.

And if it all get's too much i just pull into a village or garage, and walk around looking at other people, rushing around as if it's that important.

Looking after yourself sitting looking by a field watching the wind blow the crops, how nature doesn't care makes me feel at ease, and that's important to me. I can then carry on a bit more, knowing that i can turn round and see that place again.

You will surprise yourself, i'm sure of it.

Richard

[nomorepanic]

Hi Sue

Welcome to the site and good to see that you posted now.

It is very hard to accept that we will ever get better but I agree with Sarah about work. Try some part-time work to keep you going and getting you out there.

It is hard - we all know that cos we have been there - but it is achievable as so many on here will tell you.

Try to find some hobbies to keep you occupied and do something each day that will aid in your recovery.

Have you read My Story on the website about driving problems and the coping page for suggestions on how to keep on driving.

Hope we can help you some more so welcome aboard.



Nicola

[sarah]

Hiya Sue

Temping work is a great idea, its what got me back into work. No hassles, out promptly and no extra responsibiities (temping pays well too!!!...lol)

take care
love Sarah
xx

[seh1980]

hi Sue,

Welcome to the site - I hope we can continue offering you support!!

Sarah :D

[snowman]

Hi Sue

Interesting comments about the work thing. I used to be a workaholic until I lost my job 2 years ago and since I've been unable to get back into it. I had a really bad attack at an interview where I was physically sick and it sticks with me when ever I start looking at otherjobs. Never thoughtthat this thing would control my life the way it has. Tryingcouncelling and anti d's at mo in the hope thatI can get my self esteem back enoughto go back into work. Not sure Im ready for management again though..too daunting to think about with the responsobility etc.

Good luck and welcome to the site.

S

[Karen]

Hi Sue

Welcome to the forum.

I hope you find the advice and support helpful.

Take care.

Briary

[Sue]

Thank you all for your support, wish I had posted sooner now!

Well, the phone call is done and my official leaving date is 30th September so no going back now. Feels very strange after so many years.

We are going to Norfolk on Sunday, Mum is driving and she has found a way of getting there without going on a motorway. (Cant stand them!) Just hope we will enjoy it. The last time I attempted a holiday was a nightmare and ended up coming home. Still the weather forecast seems quite good.

Nicola, yes I have read your story and I think you must be very strong to carry on the way you have.

I have never completely stopped driving but for a long time wouldnt leave this housing estate. Now I can go about 4/5 miles as long as its not too busy.

Like you I also have problems with supermarkets, cinemas, theatres, busy pubs, hot places etc. (I could go on!)

My biggest regret other than work is that I was a county standard squash player, playing all round the country for my club and county. Havent set foot on a court now for nearly a year. I had a particularly bad attack on a squash court and really embarrassed myself. I know I am avoiding but however much I want to I just cant seem to get over that one.

Sue

[nomorepanic]

Hiya again Sue

I hope you have a lovely day on Sunday. I know what you mean about motorways cos I am getting better but need to confront the M25 cos it is always a car-park and I can't stand being stuck in traffic. Last time I went to Bristol from here I went the country way to avoid but it was a lovely drive. I am going again next Sunday so may/may not face the M25. I will have to face the M25 the follwoing Friday to get from Bristol to my mums in Surrey so that will be a challenge on a Friday night!!

I am strong but also determined cos I feel that I have lost 11 years of my life and I am only just now getting it back and being able to do stuff that I couldn't before. Still some way for me to get yet with Public transport being a big issue that I have to face.

You are doing well to get 4/5 miles - can you try pushing that by say half a mile each day? You may surprise yourself that you can go just that bit further and it will make a big difference to your life.

As for the squash that is a real shame. Have you tried just going to the squash courts but not playing - just standing there for say 1 minute and watch someone playing. It may help to regain your confidence without having to actually play?

Good luck and let us know how Norfolk goes.

Nicola

[Sue]

Yes I have tried that at the suggestion of my CBT therapist. Actually standing there wasnt too bad but then another load of issues would arise. I know just about every one there (except for peaple who joined in the last year!) So do I go in the day when it will be quiet and have people ask why I am not at work or do I go in the evening when it will be crowded? Sometimes I really do think I have gone mad!

As for the driving, yes I really am trying to go a little further each day but it is very slow and very hard.

We go to Norfolk on Sunday but not just for the day, for a week! and yes I will let you know how it goes. If you see me before the following Sunday you will know it has not gone well!

Thanks again,

Sue

[nomorepanic]

Sue

It has taken me 11 years to get my confidence back with driving. I never stopped doing it but only today I was driving all around Cambridge and realised that it doesn't bother me anymore. I know it is hard - it has taken me so long to get there and all I can say is stick at it - never give in.

I used to go out at night when it was quiet and just drive around places to get my confidence back.

As for the squash - hard one - I would go at night when not so many people know you. You can walk out at any time can't you?

Have a lovely week away and try to enjoy it ok - you will if you relax and chill out.

Take care ok? Big hug coming your way

x

Nicola

[Sue]

Thanks Nicola, I am going to try my best to relax and enjoy. I see you will be away too so I hope you have a good time as well.

I am very annoyed about losing 1 year of my life, my job, my social life etc so I cant imagine losing 11 years!

I will have a think about squash, new job etc when I get back.

Will be in touch then.

Sue

[sal]

Hi Sue

I hope you have a really good holiday and the time away gives you time to chill and reflect on all that has happened.

I can understand you are angry about losing a year, but once you start improving you will have gained a lot more through experience and ways to cope.

You do right doing some temping as it isnt as drastic as committing yourself to one job and worrying if you dont like it. Will give you time to see what you really fancy doing and what suits you.

I bet the phone call wasnt easy for you but you did it and now have that pressure of your shoulders.

I do hope you managed to get back playing squash even if just to get back on to the court for a game with a close friend to over come the fear of having a panic attack there again.

Enjoy your time out, let us know how it goes.



Love Sal xxxxx