johnno
21-02-15, 08:13
After a difficult year last year and a poor start to the new year, I'm trying to get back on my feet again.
Last year I was in a relationship that caused me alot of stress and I lost a few jobs and had to drop out of my photography course during that time. I went into the relationship hoping it would improve my life but it done the complete opposite.
This year begun with me being put on Tag and probation, for a stupid drunken incident where I got charged for criminal damage. I have noticed my weed smoking habit has majorly increased to the point I almost rely on it. This isn't good to take any drug this much. It creates a brain fog in which it makes the mind slightly more difficult to put up with.
I also ended up on ESA and have found myself in financial difficulty, unable to pay for my rent and not being able to eat regularly and just spending money on things that give me pleasure rather than necessity. Although pleasure may have been a necessity at that point.
Along with this my dog had to be put down last week as he was diagnosed with Osteosarcoma. When I first found out Buster was critically ill, it completely changed my perspective on my own life. It was a bit of a slap in the face! I didn't want time to slip through my fingers and live in misery.
I learnt an awful lot from Buster, he is the strongest, bravest and most friendly creature I have ever seen. I noticed how in his suffering there was no self-pity, no hope he just dealt with it for what it was. It got that bad that I had to carry him back from walks. The last day I had him I had to hold his legs just so he could just have a pee. In the last few weeks of his life, I bonded with him more than I've bonded with anything. He relied on me for the most basic things. It made me realise that ultimately we have little control over what happens. I and Buster were completely helpless to his rapid deterioration. It was horrendous to see the sudden change in his health.
The saddest thing about Buster is through out most of his life he was just kept in a back garden with little human interaction. My parents didn't care for him. They wouldn't allow him in the house because they didn;t want dog hairs all over, now wtf get a dog if you are going to treat it like that ? why ?
He only went for a walk when I came home.
I remember when I first got him to take to mine and he wasn't interested in me in the slightest. He wouldn't stop pulling, it was no use trying to discipline him- he was so full of repressed energy. So I just took him straight to the nearest field and he ran his ass off. He loved his long walks and to my annoyance every time I picked up a lead he would start with his ridiculous wimping. It never quite stopped annoying me lol
He was a staffy so quite alot of owners were wary of him but he only ever went for two dogs. One was a Rottweiler and the Rottweiler just stood dominantly right in his face, and I thought oh, god! he is huge compared to Buster but Buster just grabbed the Rotty by its neck and flung it to the side and walked towards me. I admired that so much. There was no real intent to harm in his actions. I remember once two rottweilers bit him on top of the head whilst I was standing at the riverside in Durham, Buster didn't even blink, even though he had two little teeth marks in his head.
I say this because I was always aware of the reputation Staffordshire Terriers had but here is a dog that was kept in a back garden, Little exercise, little socail interaction and was abandoned basically. It would be understandable if he was a raving lunatic, yet he wasn't. He was still friendly and loving and excitable.
I remember once I took him for a walk and this woman was walking her dog. Her dog approach me as I was looking at the woman thinking how pretty she was, as I looked down her dog was pissing over my wellies. Just my luck. Buster took a liking to her dog too and he was literally leaping on all fours in the air when he was playing with the other dog.
He had 3 little terriers that would attack him in the park too and I remember seeing how tolerant and gentle he was with them. There was no taking advantage of them even though they were pretty rough with him. I remember one of them wouldn't leave him alone so he sort of got one between his legs and just rested his paw on it. Now isn't this the epitome of a true man ? I mean men used to denounce animals but what man could we give this much credit too ? Barely any! Man has shot animals and took advantage of other humans since the beginning of time. So in future if I see a menacing dog, I'm going to say that dog is just like man.
Another time this guy was holding his little dog sort of wary of my dog. So I moved my dog towards his dog. His dog started wagging its tail and sniffing Buster. The guy couldn't believe it. I asked if his dog bites ? and he said no but she is usually won't go near other dogs because of fear. Buster was great with the smaller dogs yet I think he annoyed bigger dogs as he used to try and mount them lol
I learnt a lot by trying to discipline Buster too, I noticed that the vast majority of discipline is pointless. The dog doesn't need to be told, it just needs to be showed. At the beginning I tried to be very disciplined with him as I thought it would be better for his mind and better for me as he was a pain in the arse when it came to crying and sometimes pulling on the lead. Yet it seemed the harder I tried to control him the worse it got unless he became fearful, and that was the last thing I wanted. I noticed that it is patience and us humans ( or should I say me) aren't very good with patience. I learnt that most people shouldn't have dogs, including me. We buy dogs because of totally selfish reasons yet the dog quite often suffers because of this.
Buster wasn't perfect at all, yet he had impeccable qualities. He was annoying, demanding and sometimes wouldn't keep still. I could take him on a few hours walk and he'd still cry to be out when I went near to the door.
What I learnt from Buster was that nothing is perfect, we always look for a perfect part of ourselves but I'm beginning to think it doesn't exist. Buster was annoying because of the environment he grew accustomed to for so long. It wasn't his fault. His faults were what made him hilarious at times.
I remember him not wanting to come in the water at some point and I knew if I dragged him in, he would never go in again. I had to show him that he was safe and that he could trust me. So I encouraged him gently and took hold of his collar and allowed him to make whatever move he wanted to. If he wanted to step back he could and slowly he began making his way into the water. This made me realise that relationships are difficult in the modern world because we often don't take the time to build up a relationship. We imagine that if it is love, then it will be love instantly. Yet this showed to me we can build a relationship with anyone that has the same incentive to be patient, considerate and caring. We have a long list of things that 'pop' psychology tells us we need to be in a fulfilling relationship.
Fulfillment is a silly word-Buster showed me you don't need anything. In fact Buster showed me that if you miss the most basics of a relationship, looking for some far away fulfillment, you will never ever be content with a relationship. You will skip from one person to another in search of this illusive fulfilling love. Love isn't easy, love can break you. It is a sacrifice. But it is a sacrifice you are willing to take. A relationship can not be selfish, if it is then you are just having a relationship with your idea of your partner. I learnt this in the last weeks of Buster's life when he relied on me more than ever. In suffering, we get to see the best in ourselves.
In Buster's suffering I could gain absolutely nothing from helping him. In fact, it made my life worse than it already was. Yet in his suffering it opened up a space for us to bond and for him to trust me wholeheartedly. It got to the point where if I left him with someone he wouldn't settle until I came back. I will miss walking through the door and hearing his tail whacking against something and hearing his excited wimps.
So now I'm just left with myself and the struggle of what I do next with my life. Buster's death was a real motivating factor for me; the way his eyes just slipped into a peaceful nothingness. Watching him made me realise that nothing lasts forever. It was weird, I was looking at him lying there, lifeless and it reminded me of the way we walk past dead animals on the road without a moments consideration, apart from maybe a slight disgust in the site. Yet there was the body of a creature I bonded with dearly. Free of suffering yet void of anything. From being alive to complete gone within a matter of seconds. In my nihilistic hopeless views this brought me a little strength inside, it made me realise well if this is all we have, what am I going to do ? I can't control my anxiety as 9 years of trying has showed. I can't always get what I want so what do I do ?
So now I feel like I'm beginning a slightly new chapter in my life. I've just moved out of the old flat into a bed sit I'm able to afford. I want to reduce my suffering by simply giving up the things that make me suffer and it isn't easy.
So what makes me suffer, well ultimately it is my fixation to thinking, I'm a deep thinker and I can't seem to help that but how do I minimise it so my thinking is slightly more healthy. Well I decided I need to stop smoking weed most days, I need to begin doing things that are enjoyable and give me some focus. So I decided I'm going to improve my diet and gain a bit weight. I have been in a dilemma for a long time now about doing Martial arts. I have been stumped by my own opposing views of doing martial arts for some time now. I was on the one hand thinking, I need to do martial arts because I just have a personality that leads me to people that I may have to defend myself against. I am free-spirited and end up in some quite intimidating situations. On the other hand I would think, well what is the point in dedicating myself to something I may only have to use once in my whole life.
I'm not a very disciplined person anymore, my mind is too erratic. Yet I thought if I change my attitude towards it I may enjoy it more. Its like when you are younger and you dance just to dance but as you get older you dance as a performance, as if it matters how silly you look. I need to learn from my youth. Forget the performance just enjoy doing it.
So I'm set out a plan for my diet, weight training and martial arts. On top of that I've been to a volunteering centre so that I can find a job that I can enjoy and be involved in something that gives back to the community or to other people who could do with my help.
I am also plan to start meditating again. I have noticed ,from my absence from it that, I was too idealistic when I previously began meditating, imagining myself as some buddha or something ridiculous. The absence though has showed me that it does help ease my mind and I become more focused and peaceful inside when I sit with myself.
I joined the Green Party too and I'm hoping I can get involved with them because I would love to see a transformation in our country. Too long has politics been about the elitists rather than the vast majority of us who work hard or the ones that don't have opportunities. I want to see a country in which we have a safety net rather than punishing punitive laws that are really debilitating for those in desperate circumstances.
I'm not really bothered about having a partner. From my previous relationship I learnt that I don't really need anyone. I'll just go along with spontaneity and if I get along with someone then I'll see what happens.
So hopefully I can start to feel more clear minded and begin to enjoy myself, even if it is only slightly more so.
Last year I was in a relationship that caused me alot of stress and I lost a few jobs and had to drop out of my photography course during that time. I went into the relationship hoping it would improve my life but it done the complete opposite.
This year begun with me being put on Tag and probation, for a stupid drunken incident where I got charged for criminal damage. I have noticed my weed smoking habit has majorly increased to the point I almost rely on it. This isn't good to take any drug this much. It creates a brain fog in which it makes the mind slightly more difficult to put up with.
I also ended up on ESA and have found myself in financial difficulty, unable to pay for my rent and not being able to eat regularly and just spending money on things that give me pleasure rather than necessity. Although pleasure may have been a necessity at that point.
Along with this my dog had to be put down last week as he was diagnosed with Osteosarcoma. When I first found out Buster was critically ill, it completely changed my perspective on my own life. It was a bit of a slap in the face! I didn't want time to slip through my fingers and live in misery.
I learnt an awful lot from Buster, he is the strongest, bravest and most friendly creature I have ever seen. I noticed how in his suffering there was no self-pity, no hope he just dealt with it for what it was. It got that bad that I had to carry him back from walks. The last day I had him I had to hold his legs just so he could just have a pee. In the last few weeks of his life, I bonded with him more than I've bonded with anything. He relied on me for the most basic things. It made me realise that ultimately we have little control over what happens. I and Buster were completely helpless to his rapid deterioration. It was horrendous to see the sudden change in his health.
The saddest thing about Buster is through out most of his life he was just kept in a back garden with little human interaction. My parents didn't care for him. They wouldn't allow him in the house because they didn;t want dog hairs all over, now wtf get a dog if you are going to treat it like that ? why ?
He only went for a walk when I came home.
I remember when I first got him to take to mine and he wasn't interested in me in the slightest. He wouldn't stop pulling, it was no use trying to discipline him- he was so full of repressed energy. So I just took him straight to the nearest field and he ran his ass off. He loved his long walks and to my annoyance every time I picked up a lead he would start with his ridiculous wimping. It never quite stopped annoying me lol
He was a staffy so quite alot of owners were wary of him but he only ever went for two dogs. One was a Rottweiler and the Rottweiler just stood dominantly right in his face, and I thought oh, god! he is huge compared to Buster but Buster just grabbed the Rotty by its neck and flung it to the side and walked towards me. I admired that so much. There was no real intent to harm in his actions. I remember once two rottweilers bit him on top of the head whilst I was standing at the riverside in Durham, Buster didn't even blink, even though he had two little teeth marks in his head.
I say this because I was always aware of the reputation Staffordshire Terriers had but here is a dog that was kept in a back garden, Little exercise, little socail interaction and was abandoned basically. It would be understandable if he was a raving lunatic, yet he wasn't. He was still friendly and loving and excitable.
I remember once I took him for a walk and this woman was walking her dog. Her dog approach me as I was looking at the woman thinking how pretty she was, as I looked down her dog was pissing over my wellies. Just my luck. Buster took a liking to her dog too and he was literally leaping on all fours in the air when he was playing with the other dog.
He had 3 little terriers that would attack him in the park too and I remember seeing how tolerant and gentle he was with them. There was no taking advantage of them even though they were pretty rough with him. I remember one of them wouldn't leave him alone so he sort of got one between his legs and just rested his paw on it. Now isn't this the epitome of a true man ? I mean men used to denounce animals but what man could we give this much credit too ? Barely any! Man has shot animals and took advantage of other humans since the beginning of time. So in future if I see a menacing dog, I'm going to say that dog is just like man.
Another time this guy was holding his little dog sort of wary of my dog. So I moved my dog towards his dog. His dog started wagging its tail and sniffing Buster. The guy couldn't believe it. I asked if his dog bites ? and he said no but she is usually won't go near other dogs because of fear. Buster was great with the smaller dogs yet I think he annoyed bigger dogs as he used to try and mount them lol
I learnt a lot by trying to discipline Buster too, I noticed that the vast majority of discipline is pointless. The dog doesn't need to be told, it just needs to be showed. At the beginning I tried to be very disciplined with him as I thought it would be better for his mind and better for me as he was a pain in the arse when it came to crying and sometimes pulling on the lead. Yet it seemed the harder I tried to control him the worse it got unless he became fearful, and that was the last thing I wanted. I noticed that it is patience and us humans ( or should I say me) aren't very good with patience. I learnt that most people shouldn't have dogs, including me. We buy dogs because of totally selfish reasons yet the dog quite often suffers because of this.
Buster wasn't perfect at all, yet he had impeccable qualities. He was annoying, demanding and sometimes wouldn't keep still. I could take him on a few hours walk and he'd still cry to be out when I went near to the door.
What I learnt from Buster was that nothing is perfect, we always look for a perfect part of ourselves but I'm beginning to think it doesn't exist. Buster was annoying because of the environment he grew accustomed to for so long. It wasn't his fault. His faults were what made him hilarious at times.
I remember him not wanting to come in the water at some point and I knew if I dragged him in, he would never go in again. I had to show him that he was safe and that he could trust me. So I encouraged him gently and took hold of his collar and allowed him to make whatever move he wanted to. If he wanted to step back he could and slowly he began making his way into the water. This made me realise that relationships are difficult in the modern world because we often don't take the time to build up a relationship. We imagine that if it is love, then it will be love instantly. Yet this showed to me we can build a relationship with anyone that has the same incentive to be patient, considerate and caring. We have a long list of things that 'pop' psychology tells us we need to be in a fulfilling relationship.
Fulfillment is a silly word-Buster showed me you don't need anything. In fact Buster showed me that if you miss the most basics of a relationship, looking for some far away fulfillment, you will never ever be content with a relationship. You will skip from one person to another in search of this illusive fulfilling love. Love isn't easy, love can break you. It is a sacrifice. But it is a sacrifice you are willing to take. A relationship can not be selfish, if it is then you are just having a relationship with your idea of your partner. I learnt this in the last weeks of Buster's life when he relied on me more than ever. In suffering, we get to see the best in ourselves.
In Buster's suffering I could gain absolutely nothing from helping him. In fact, it made my life worse than it already was. Yet in his suffering it opened up a space for us to bond and for him to trust me wholeheartedly. It got to the point where if I left him with someone he wouldn't settle until I came back. I will miss walking through the door and hearing his tail whacking against something and hearing his excited wimps.
So now I'm just left with myself and the struggle of what I do next with my life. Buster's death was a real motivating factor for me; the way his eyes just slipped into a peaceful nothingness. Watching him made me realise that nothing lasts forever. It was weird, I was looking at him lying there, lifeless and it reminded me of the way we walk past dead animals on the road without a moments consideration, apart from maybe a slight disgust in the site. Yet there was the body of a creature I bonded with dearly. Free of suffering yet void of anything. From being alive to complete gone within a matter of seconds. In my nihilistic hopeless views this brought me a little strength inside, it made me realise well if this is all we have, what am I going to do ? I can't control my anxiety as 9 years of trying has showed. I can't always get what I want so what do I do ?
So now I feel like I'm beginning a slightly new chapter in my life. I've just moved out of the old flat into a bed sit I'm able to afford. I want to reduce my suffering by simply giving up the things that make me suffer and it isn't easy.
So what makes me suffer, well ultimately it is my fixation to thinking, I'm a deep thinker and I can't seem to help that but how do I minimise it so my thinking is slightly more healthy. Well I decided I need to stop smoking weed most days, I need to begin doing things that are enjoyable and give me some focus. So I decided I'm going to improve my diet and gain a bit weight. I have been in a dilemma for a long time now about doing Martial arts. I have been stumped by my own opposing views of doing martial arts for some time now. I was on the one hand thinking, I need to do martial arts because I just have a personality that leads me to people that I may have to defend myself against. I am free-spirited and end up in some quite intimidating situations. On the other hand I would think, well what is the point in dedicating myself to something I may only have to use once in my whole life.
I'm not a very disciplined person anymore, my mind is too erratic. Yet I thought if I change my attitude towards it I may enjoy it more. Its like when you are younger and you dance just to dance but as you get older you dance as a performance, as if it matters how silly you look. I need to learn from my youth. Forget the performance just enjoy doing it.
So I'm set out a plan for my diet, weight training and martial arts. On top of that I've been to a volunteering centre so that I can find a job that I can enjoy and be involved in something that gives back to the community or to other people who could do with my help.
I am also plan to start meditating again. I have noticed ,from my absence from it that, I was too idealistic when I previously began meditating, imagining myself as some buddha or something ridiculous. The absence though has showed me that it does help ease my mind and I become more focused and peaceful inside when I sit with myself.
I joined the Green Party too and I'm hoping I can get involved with them because I would love to see a transformation in our country. Too long has politics been about the elitists rather than the vast majority of us who work hard or the ones that don't have opportunities. I want to see a country in which we have a safety net rather than punishing punitive laws that are really debilitating for those in desperate circumstances.
I'm not really bothered about having a partner. From my previous relationship I learnt that I don't really need anyone. I'll just go along with spontaneity and if I get along with someone then I'll see what happens.
So hopefully I can start to feel more clear minded and begin to enjoy myself, even if it is only slightly more so.