Married for just 5 months but depressed. Need help

[ramon9456]

Well, where do I begin? I met my husband three years ago, he was a drinking buddy of my sisters (clue number 1). So, we dated for 6 months, then I moved home from college and moved in with him. We got engaged July 1, 2005 and got married March 19, 2006. We have always had problems, mostly because of his drinking. My mother is an alcoholic so I know all about that stuff. Well, the types of problems that we are having we have had ever since we began dating. He drinks too much, sometimes will stay out till 8 o'clock in the morning and disappear so I can't find him. He doesn't understand what marriage is about...he thinks more of himself and what he deals with than what I have to deal with. There is no end to the fighting because he refuses to stop the bs with his drinking, I just don't know what to do. He is famous for problem avoidance so, right now we are fighting, and instead of coming home and dealing with the problem, he is out getting drunk. I can't make him stop drinking, he is the only one that can make himself stop. I don't know if I am ready for divorce yet because something in me believes that he will come to the realization that he has a problem. I don't trust him, he has never cheated on me...as far as I know...but with all of the times he has just disappeared without caring that he has a wife at home and that doing things like that is just wrong boggles my mind! He thinks it is normal and when you are married I don't believe it is. What he does is try and lead a bachelor's life while married. I am not ok with that. I am mentally depressed. I need some help...can someone help me with this please???

[lildutt]

i havent got any ideas hun but im sending some hugs to you
bellx

[Ma Larkin]

I put up with this for 10 years! I got married in 1997, been with him since 1993. The problem was already there because I was a barmaid & his dad owned the pub, so we were around alcohol constantly. I also had a full-time job through the week, but he didn't, so he was drinking more than I thought. I left him in 2002, after having 2 children (I also have a daughter from a previous relationship). I thought having kids would change him, but it just made him stay out even more, but now I was the one having to stay in all the time & my personality changed overnight. I had severe post-natal depression after my 2nd daughter was born, but the depression was there before that. I was basically living the life of a single mum, having to cope with a newborn baby and a 9 year old, then 3 years later another baby.

It's so hard to not let your heart rule your head. I should have stayed well clear of this sort of man, but I was totally in love with him. Funnily enough, he still loves me, even though we've been separated all this time & says that the worst thing he could ever have done was lose me. He even had an accident because of his drinking. Spent 4 weeks in a coma, our son was only 8 months old at the time. I had to ask my best friend & her family to lodge with me for 3 months because I had to spend all my time visiting in hospital. He was injured in a stupid drunken prank & suffered a brain injury which virtually reduced him to a child. It took a long time for him to recover & it basically cost us our marriage. He never fully recovered & still has problems with his balance & memory.

Please think carefully about your relationship. Can you see your husband changing at all? Is this how you want it to be? I know we all want our marriage to work, but sometimes there just isn't the energy there to carry on. Some men were just born to be bachelors & never change. My ex is still the same now, but he lost out on seeing his kids grow up & it's an awful thing to say but he's suffering now because they won't go anywhere with him. My son is 6 now, he goes football training, but there is no dad there to see him play; just me. Don't get me wrong, they don't miss out on anything, but they have missed out on a man's presence.

I gave my husband an ultimamtum; drink or family. He chose drink. Now he regrets it but it's too late. It might not be too late for you though, but it will be if you decide to start a family. Don't go through what I went through. Who know's, he might shock you & realise that he needs you more than the drink.

I hope it all works out for you hun, but in the meantime don't suffer in silence. Go and see your GP & tell him about your depression. He could help you with that.

Take care.

Les, xx

[sabrina_d2d]

I think both of you need marriage counseling. We being married for last 1 years had initial problem of understanding and adjustment. Then a friend of mine suggested a book, “Ten Days to a good Marriage” by Dr. Max Vogt to counsel ourselves. The book is about making the marriage successful. I think every couple should read it. Even if you find it difficult to make him read the book, I would help you out. I would just sit down and explain to him why you feel the way you and why you feel it is wrong. You are right about the alcohol problem, he is the only one that can make himself stop and it will be only when HE is ready... Maybe explain to him that you need some time away to reflect on your marriage and understand why you are married in the first place and tell him what bothers you. A big mistake in relationships is to be accusatory... don't accuse, be patient... talk things out.

[belle]

Hi..
I'm having marriage difficulties too right now and i think the main thing is that they need to realise that they do actually have a problem. The more you make his drinking an issue the more he'll want to escape and thus...drinking more. There are two ways you deal with this, you either have to make him understand that his drinking IS causing major problems in your relationship by just getting up and going (to make a point, not necessarily to end the marriage) or you have to sit and wait for it to click in his head how much he is hurting you.
Alcoholism is a really hard addiction for anyone to stand up and admit to having (as with most addictions). People who have an alcohol addiction just see it as "going out and relaxing from the stresses....blah blah blah".
I wish you all the luck on whatever you decide.

Sarah

[Robertc160882]

Although this may be irrelevant but in your profile it says you are male so does this mean it is a same sex marriage? Everyone goes through this but I hate alcohol and don’t touch a drop myself now after growing up with alcohol round about me made me see it isn’t worth it.