First post

[Steve1964]

Hi. My name is Steve, and I live in Wales. This is my first post on the forum, although I have been using the site for a little while now.

I have suffered from anxiety and panic attacks for most of my life, although the present phase is by far the worst since I was a teenager. I was 50 last month.

Mainly, my obsession has been an unhealthy fear of death, and I have a great deal of negative thoughts regarding this, and this has been worsening in recent months. I have a very stressful job, and in the last couple of years, the stress has got worst since my wife, our son, and I started living with my in-laws in order to help care for my father in law, who has a type of dementia. He was exceedingly unhappy in the care home we had placed him in. In addition, my own mother has moved near us, and she requires care as well.

The symptoms I have are nearly always the same. Headaches at the back of my head, followed by a numb feeling in my head, and an overwhelming sense of doom. This morning, I had to leave a work seminar simply because the fear was so incredible. I know intellectually nothing is going to happen, but that doesn't alleviate the fear.

I also find that my symptoms are worse if I drink too much. I have tried to cut down on my alcohol intake, including two days a week off it, but it is difficult, because when I have a few pints, then I have no panic, at least until the following day, when reality kicks back in.

I am writing this one hour into a seven hour train journey home. These always require a massive effort of will to get through, not least because I always want to get off the train!

I hate feeling like this. I have the, I suppose, inevitable self loathing at being so weak. Once upon a time, I could generally get through an anxiety phase, but this one has lasted a long time now, and I don't feel that it will ever stop.

I have discussed this with my GP, who recommended a stress management course, which I have not done yet. She also said.....enjoy your life! I am absolutely loathe to go onto medication, but I am now thinking this might be an inevitable next step.

So, that is the sad and very lonely me. My wife and I adore each other, and she is very supportive of me. However, I continue to feel absolutely dreadful most of the time.

[venusbluejeans]

Hiya Steve1964 and welcome to NMP :welcome:

Why not take a look at our articles on our home page, they contain a wealth of information and are a great starting place for your time on the forum.

I hope you find the as site helpful and informative as I have and that you get the help and support you need here and hope that you meet a few friends along the way :yesyes:

[SarahH]

Welcome steve.
This site has loads of info and support.
Your story sounds very familiar to many on NMP as I am sure you have noticed.
Why not try the stress management course firstly. You could also look into Mindfulness which would be useful on the long train journeys. And medication is not all that bad if you get the right one.

Sarah

[Carnation]

Welcome Steve and I hope you find what you are looking for on here.
If it's support and advice, then you have come to the right place. :)

Just wanted to say that, I too am looking after Parents that are disabled, House bound and last year my Father who had Parkinson's Disease. And I too, are in a very loving and supportive relationship. It all came to a crescendo when I was in a Car Crash and since that day have suffered with Anxiety and Depression.
Your Life and what has happened in your Life has a great deal to do with the way that you are feeling. But, this does not mean that you will feel like this for the rest of your Life. You may need support by ways of Therapy or just same changes in your Life to relieve the never-ending Stress and responsibilities. You mention your age and I think that this plays a big part in the Anxiety. A Panic mode sets in when you reach a certain age, and you start panicking about the way your Life is at the moment and all the things you want to do and haven't or can't. Also, if you are surrounded by old and illness, this can frighten you in to a vision of what may become? You must not think like this, you have Life and Dreams to still fulfill. It is very important that you find time for yourself and some relaxation time. And exercise is very good, even if it is walking. But Alcohol and Coffee seem to make Anxiety worse, if not at the time, it seems to hit you later or the next day. You don't have to take Meds to get through this, but if you feel you need them, then your GP can prescribe something even in a mild form. I decided not to and came through. (About 80% better). It's something that you have to feel comfortable with. And, remember, your Life will not always be like this, it's just surviving and getting through it. :)

[Steve1964]

Thank you both for being kind enough to respond.

I am now two hours from home, having survived the nightmare Severn Tunnel!

I have downloaded Dr Clare Weekes audiobook, and I found that a help earlier on the train. So much so that I will definitely now self refer to a mindfulness clinic that is run in the county.

I am fed up with feeling so damned rotten and ill all of the time, so I am determined to beat it.

Once again, thanks for your words of support and kindness. It means a lot to be communicating with people who understand fully what I am going through.

[Carnation]

The best thing is to keep the Mind occupied with other stuff rather than stressful stuff. I.e. Games, Magazines, Books etc. And try to concentrate on the good things in your journey. Unusual buildings, man with nice shoes, tree growing the new leaves of Spring, sunset; you get my drift. Don't bog yourself down with more negatives. Like smelly train, dirty seats, rude person, badly kept station etc.
You have to keep your Mind in a safe place as you have so much stress in your Life and you sound like you hate the journey. You have to look for the good stuff otherwise you are bogging yourself down with more doom and gloom.
Can you listen to music through headphones, something that take you back to good days when you were more free hearted. It does help to calm the Mind. :)

---------- Post added at 18:58 ---------- Previous post was at 18:55 ----------

Also try to change your routine. The Mind and Body is stuck in a routine. Plan something different for the week-end, maybe something you have not done before.
And your general routine. You know, get in, coat put in same place, sit down in same place; routine, routine and more routine becomes dull. It does help. :)

[Steve1964]

Thanks Carnation. I do normally listen to a lot of music, which, in happier days, is my obsession. I have listened instead to the Weekes audiobook, which I rather enjoyed.

The change in routine idea is a very good one, thank you. My life is actually very routine bound, and a change of duties, scenery, activity, etc will, I think, help me a lot, so thanks.

[Carnation]

Me too Steve. Music is in my blood and my partner is a Musician.
Have you thought of taking up playing an instrument? It does wonders for Anxiety. :)

[Steve1964]

Me too Steve. Music is in my blood and my partner is a Musician.
Have you thought of taking up playing an instrument? It does wonders for Anxiety. :)

I have promised that I will, one day, learn to play guitar. I will get up on stage and play just like Steve Rothery (guitarist with Marillion, my favourite band).

[Carnation]

Yes, you can. Anything is possible. I learned to play Guitar.
It takes a few months to learn and a lifetime to get better. :D
Don't talk about it, do it. :)

[SarahH]

Or join a choir.... music heals the soul:D

[MyNameIsTerry]

Welcome Steve :welcome:

You've had lots of great advice already and I'm sure you will get lots of help on here.

That is one he'll of a train journey, let alone when you just want to get off. It does present an opportunity to get beyond it by practicing getting your body relaxed and removing the negatives from your mind. Some relaxing music might help there and you could look at relaxation techniques that involve breathing of even Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR) which you can do without others noticing. It also could be a time you could practice Mindfulness because you can use objects and food which you could easily do on the train.

Look for MBSR by Jon Kabat-Zinn in the US or MBCT by professor Mark Williams in the UK. MBCT is evidence based and recommended for re occurrent depression by NICE, although it works for anxiety too, and MBSR has a whole load of evidence to support it's application in mental health and in dealing with physical illness, often serious illnesses.

You can pick up a book with the 8 week programmes in for under £10, £5 for some on Amazon right now and Kindle versions even cheaper.

Professor Mark Williams even had his recorded meditations available for free download in the resources section on his Frantic World website. There are more in the book though and exercises to follow.

A course is a really good idea.

Also, sometimes making a move recover, like you just have, can help you to feel empowered.

[Steve1964]

Thank you to everyone for posting.

I have a four hour journey to London early tomorrow, with the retun journey early on Friday, so plenty of opportunity to practice some techniques.

I will report back at the weekend.

I am, though, feeling a lot better today. A nice pleasant day with my wife has helped a great deal.:)