Fierybiscuits
24-02-15, 15:49
Hi all,
I'm looking for some advice as to what to do for the best at the moment. I've suffered with anxiety for the past 7 years, although I've certainly had my good and bad periods, and in that time I've mostly been in education (I've done two Masters degrees, both of which took me much longer than they should have done because of the problem). I've worked a little part-time, but last year I gave up my job after a disagreement, and having since finished uni, the pressure to find full time work has really piled on.
I've been existing off a little freelance work, but in the run up to Christmas I found it increasingly difficult and things came to a head when I had a big panic attack on Christmas Day. The panic attacks have been pretty frequent since then and I've really withdrawn from doing so many things (I can't face restaurants, cinemas, even seeing friends/family is a struggle) - the more they happen the more frightened I am of doing anything, but the more I stay at home the more it becomes a huge deal, and therefore more likely that I'll panic if I try. Hence I'm stuck in that familiar cycle and I've just had a particularly bad few days where I've had constant anxiety that peaks in horrible waves of panic while just sitting at home not doing anything.
To a point I could always cope with the anxiety but I think it's now manifesting itself as panic disorder and I'm becoming increasingly agoraphobic. I'm really terrified of it consuming me and it preventing me from getting a job and leading a normal life, but the more I fight it the more it seems to win. I've read a lot about the key being to stop fighting and just try and accept the symptoms, and although I'm not someone who ever thinks they're having a heart attack or going to die when they panic, I have a huge phobia of losing control, being sick, embarrassing myself etc. and that is what stops me from making progress. My mind is constantly fighting it, trying to reason with it, tell myself I'm being illogical, but that doesn't seem to be working for me. I can't seem to just accept it and get on with things, my brain just wants the horrible feelings to stop and I can't focus on anything else. The only thing that relieves it is complete distraction (usually playing a game or doing something I really have to focus on - tv, books, music etc. just don't cut it).
I've self-referred for CBT on the NHS but I'm only 5 weeks in to an 18 week wait, and I'm not massively hopeful as I know so much of it is about challenging negative thoughts, which I already try my best to do (I've had a little CBT in the past but didn't complete the course). In the meantime I feel so far away from being able to look for work, and I'm faltering on what little freelance work I was getting (thankfully it's for an understanding friend), so I've practically no money coming in. I was hoping to avoid applying for benefits and I know how much they push you to find work on JSA, and it's not like I'm signed off sick. In fact I haven't been to the doctor for a good while because I'm just assuming he'd refer me for CBT (which I've done myself) and/or put me on medication. Currently I take Propranolol on an 'as and when' basis, but nothing else, and I don't know whether I want to go further down that road. I'm also reading through an anxiety workbook, but beyond that I'm running out of ideas.
Anyway, I'd really like to ask for some advice as to what people think might be the best plan of action from here? Do I go back to my doctor and see if they'll sign me off sick so that it might ease the financial pressures? Do I try and keep on with the freelancing (it involves being out and about with other people, hence why I find it difficult at the minute), and hope CBT helps when it eventually comes to my turn? Do I beg my mum for money so that I can try an alternative privately? Do I try medication?
I'm desperate for help as I just don't want this to be my life now - sitting at home feeling sorry for myself and never working, earning or being able to do the things I enjoy. I know the anxiety will probably never leave me completely but I really want to develop better coping strategies so that I'm not frightened of the fear itself - I can just get on with life. I'm nearly 30 and I want to find work and make use of the education I've spent the last 11 years gaining, but I'm so frightened of how I will ever cope in a stressful work environment. I feel like I want to be proactive but I just don't know how, and I feel so anxious/low most days I can barely be bothered to get dressed and get off the sofa. I really hope you can help, if you've had a similar experience or just want to offer a point of view I'd be so grateful.
Thanks so much :blush:
I'm looking for some advice as to what to do for the best at the moment. I've suffered with anxiety for the past 7 years, although I've certainly had my good and bad periods, and in that time I've mostly been in education (I've done two Masters degrees, both of which took me much longer than they should have done because of the problem). I've worked a little part-time, but last year I gave up my job after a disagreement, and having since finished uni, the pressure to find full time work has really piled on.
I've been existing off a little freelance work, but in the run up to Christmas I found it increasingly difficult and things came to a head when I had a big panic attack on Christmas Day. The panic attacks have been pretty frequent since then and I've really withdrawn from doing so many things (I can't face restaurants, cinemas, even seeing friends/family is a struggle) - the more they happen the more frightened I am of doing anything, but the more I stay at home the more it becomes a huge deal, and therefore more likely that I'll panic if I try. Hence I'm stuck in that familiar cycle and I've just had a particularly bad few days where I've had constant anxiety that peaks in horrible waves of panic while just sitting at home not doing anything.
To a point I could always cope with the anxiety but I think it's now manifesting itself as panic disorder and I'm becoming increasingly agoraphobic. I'm really terrified of it consuming me and it preventing me from getting a job and leading a normal life, but the more I fight it the more it seems to win. I've read a lot about the key being to stop fighting and just try and accept the symptoms, and although I'm not someone who ever thinks they're having a heart attack or going to die when they panic, I have a huge phobia of losing control, being sick, embarrassing myself etc. and that is what stops me from making progress. My mind is constantly fighting it, trying to reason with it, tell myself I'm being illogical, but that doesn't seem to be working for me. I can't seem to just accept it and get on with things, my brain just wants the horrible feelings to stop and I can't focus on anything else. The only thing that relieves it is complete distraction (usually playing a game or doing something I really have to focus on - tv, books, music etc. just don't cut it).
I've self-referred for CBT on the NHS but I'm only 5 weeks in to an 18 week wait, and I'm not massively hopeful as I know so much of it is about challenging negative thoughts, which I already try my best to do (I've had a little CBT in the past but didn't complete the course). In the meantime I feel so far away from being able to look for work, and I'm faltering on what little freelance work I was getting (thankfully it's for an understanding friend), so I've practically no money coming in. I was hoping to avoid applying for benefits and I know how much they push you to find work on JSA, and it's not like I'm signed off sick. In fact I haven't been to the doctor for a good while because I'm just assuming he'd refer me for CBT (which I've done myself) and/or put me on medication. Currently I take Propranolol on an 'as and when' basis, but nothing else, and I don't know whether I want to go further down that road. I'm also reading through an anxiety workbook, but beyond that I'm running out of ideas.
Anyway, I'd really like to ask for some advice as to what people think might be the best plan of action from here? Do I go back to my doctor and see if they'll sign me off sick so that it might ease the financial pressures? Do I try and keep on with the freelancing (it involves being out and about with other people, hence why I find it difficult at the minute), and hope CBT helps when it eventually comes to my turn? Do I beg my mum for money so that I can try an alternative privately? Do I try medication?
I'm desperate for help as I just don't want this to be my life now - sitting at home feeling sorry for myself and never working, earning or being able to do the things I enjoy. I know the anxiety will probably never leave me completely but I really want to develop better coping strategies so that I'm not frightened of the fear itself - I can just get on with life. I'm nearly 30 and I want to find work and make use of the education I've spent the last 11 years gaining, but I'm so frightened of how I will ever cope in a stressful work environment. I feel like I want to be proactive but I just don't know how, and I feel so anxious/low most days I can barely be bothered to get dressed and get off the sofa. I really hope you can help, if you've had a similar experience or just want to offer a point of view I'd be so grateful.
Thanks so much :blush: