View Full Version : Treatment resistance, loss and separation. I want my life back...
This thread follows on from my post in the welcome section and I'm going to try and give some more details.
I'm a 26 year old autistic male suffering from pretty bad (and treatment resistant) depression and anxiety. I lost a member of my immediate family in June last year and as a result my anxiety became substantially worse. Six months later, my fiancee decided being with me was too stressful and ended our relationship of almost 4 years. She was also my closest friend and I do not have anyone else to fill that gap. I have spent the last few months having frequent breakdowns and anxiety/panic attacks.
I can't currently work due to my condition and have never been able to cope with a full time job. I live with my mother who finds it difficult to understand or cope with my condition and frequently becomes frustrated with me.
Over the last few years I have been on a number of SSRIs, but my doctors say I have treatment resistance and none of them were very successful. I was also on Mirtazapine for a while before the breakup but it made me short tempered and neurotic and I was taken off it. I am now being put back on Sertraline which I have already been on in the past and have been told by the psychiatrist that they are not prepared to try me on anything new. The doctors who are helpful always imply their hands are tied by the psychiatrists.
The only drug that I have had much success with is Lorazepam, which I was prescribed as a short term solution to the anxiety. I have had moments of feeling alright after taking it but due to the nature of benzodiazepines the more often I use it the less effective it becomes and I don't fancy becoming dependant.
Many people have advised me to "immerse myself in work" or to read books, watch movies or indulge in hobbies. I'm sure this is good advice for some people but I can not even enjoy any simple hobbies any longer and can barely engage myself in mindless things like watching documentaries. I can't focus or involve myself in anything without getting too stressed or upset and I don't have enough friends to spend most of my time with.
I have also tried the internet self-help courses in the past and they didn't help. I do my best to try and keep a positive attitude but it's hard to think positive when I just don't feel like I want to be conscious most of the time. It doesn't help that most of the medication I am given has a sedating effect.
You poor thing. It really sucks that you have treatment resistance.
There is always something else to try. The world is infinitely full of possibilities. One thing you mention is that you don't have enough friends. Maybe there is a way to make friends. If your autism is severe, I have heard that that can get in the way of making friends easily, I'm not sure what your experience is of that. If that is an issue, do you have other friends with autism?
Are there any groups you can join? Do you have a community centre close to you with activities? Is there a local pub with a pub quiz/games night that you can start turning up to? Do you do any sports? When I started yoga, I started to make friends with other people there. It took a long time to make friends, but it's pleasant to be around other people who are doing an activity with you. You might not actively enjoy doing these things - that's one thing depression does to you - but you might feel that it's good for you. It's good to get into structured habits, especially if other people are involved.
I really feel for you, it's horrible to feel that people around you are frustrated because of you. It doesn't mean that you're unloveable.
Are you in any talking therapies?
'Thinking positive' isn't going to help much with depression in my opinion. I already know about positive thinking yet I still slipped into depression.
I do have significant difficulty in a social setting such that I don't know how to initiate and keep conversations with people. I can talk about the things I'm interested in but people don't generally ask or want to know. My ex was autistic and we became very close friends within weeks of meeting eachother but I have met some autistic people I simply can't stand so I think it's not always the answer.
Unfortunately, I live out in the middle of nowhere. There are probably community centres around 10 miles from me but I wouldn't know how to approach groups and things. I enjoy so few activities at the moment it would be difficult to keep going if I was to join something. I used to do badminton but it's really expensive around here and I only have my mother to play against now. Last time I went to play badminton I spent the whole time not wanting to be there at all and I didn't feel it helped.
There's a huge waiting list for talking therapy at the moment and I was doing it in the past but it came to the end of the allowed sessions and hadn't fixed anything. I actually found talking with my best friend helped more but he doesn't live very close and has his own issues meaning I don't get a lot of time with him and he can't always deal with how I feel.
Things aren't getting any better. Medication still isn't working. I really hate my life at the moment and I don't know what to do I just keep breaking down.
Hi,Do you feel better in the summer? This winter has been really hard for a lot of us and you may find it interesting to research seasonal adjustment disorder. Try to get out in the sun when it appears and get it on your face,arms and hands. Spring is just around the corner, a big lift for all of us:)
No, I don't feel better in the summer. I had a very difficult summer last year and went through several medications that made things worse or didn't help. My partner left me in November and since then my life has felt horrible and I haven't wanted to wake up in the morning anymore.
I feel horribly sedated at the moment on Sertraline, which is more or less what every SSRI does to me and I don't feel any better for it. I really want my partner back but she made it clear that wasn't going to happen and I'm not going to find someone new for a long time. I can't stand being alone.
Last few days have been particularly difficult, level of sedation has increased over time and I'm getting in arguaments with my mum because I'm not doing anything with my time but I can barely get out of bed right now. I have another psychiatrist appointment this week that my friend is planning to attend to help support but every time I have been there so far they have not been helpful.
I just want to feel alright and be able to cope and function but just waking up in the morning gets harder every day.
Okay, update. I have been back to the psychiatrist and they just didn't help at all. Last time I saw them they said the reason I was going back on Sertraline was so they could augment it with another drug which would give it the opportunity to work. So this time I go there and they say they won't be doing that and that I can choose to increase the dose or change to Fluoxetine (which I have also been on before)
I just don't know what to do anymore. I agreed to change to fluoxetine because the sertraline was making me too sleepy to do anything but this really isn't any good! I have been on these medications all before and they were no real help.
Does the lack of further replies imply I'm considered a lost cause on here?
I think the problem is that most avenues have been explored, ie medication, therapy, getting out and about - This is what most of us have to try, you have to break the cycle you are in, and only you know how to do that.
We can't help with your relationship breakup, because thats between you and the girl you were with. A new relationship may very well help, but only you can initiate that. You say there are possibly places you could go, but they are far away. You feel like doing nothing because you are depressed, thats probably relationship related isnt it?
The way to break the cycle is to do something different with your life. What you are, or are not doing now isnt helping you.
You need a make a plan of action for yourself, and take steps to follow the plan.
I have been where you are, I havent wanted to get out of bed in the mornings, I have argued with everyone around me because of how I feel, but it just makes you sink further.
Just try to do one thing each day that might make you smile and perk you up a little, then slowly build yourself back up.
Try to do something different to what you are doing now, in an attempt to change how you feel. Other than this, I cant think of anything else that may help you, just try :)
I'm under the impression I simply haven't been given the right medication yet, but it's hard to convince the psychiatrist that what I'm on isn't actually working because they seem to think if I am on a high enough dose it will help. I have been on high doses in the past and was just sedated more than anything and since they put the fluoxetine up to 20mg I am now feeling this very strongly and finding it hard to stay awake even during the day.
I can't initiate a new relationship without another person who wishes to initiate one with me. While I am still hurting from being rejected by my previous partner for reasons that I didn't feel were fair I would be entirely prepared to start a new relationship with someone - I have tried my luck with dating sites already and seldom get even a "thanks but no thanks" response from people on there.
Believe me, I am trying to do something with my time but I have always been uncomfortable with just my own company and things I might enjoy with others just fall flat on their face by myself. I seem to have far fewer friends than I did when I first got with my ex - people have moved on and others have found love themselves and no longer have much time for friends. I have never had many friends and they are usually not very nearby so effort has to be made on both parts to actually stay in touch.
I'm not expecting to just make new friends out of thin air, but I think if I was on medication that worked I could at least feel alright in my own company and find my own way until someone else came along who wanted to be part of it.
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