The evolution of my anxiety from uncomfortable to crippling and SUICIDAL

[GfunkAnxiety]

So I started posting here after my first panic attack (and second one in my whole entire life but this one started the problems that I currently face) which set of an intense 4 weeks of health anxiety. After that intense 4 weeks of health anxiety over the Christmas period I had another attack on the 2nd Jan which unfortunately triggered the DP/DR that I still currently experience.

This is all started from a bad reaction to Roaccutane (certain)

I have been waiting for CBT for three months now, luckily it finally starts next Thursday; it was meant to start last week but the therapist went off sick which is a shame as I believe if I had started it last week as scheduled I would not have experienced the bad week I have.

Luckily today I am thinking clearly enough to be able to type this post.

So my dp/dr evolve into intense existential anxiety which is by far the worst aspect of it. I have always had these deep philosophical questions however they were of interest before my breakdown and not of the profound terror I experience now. I suddenly got locked in the most catastrophic and unanswerable questions to the point where I actually had to go to A and E on Saturday because I no longer trusted myself alone. I felt so much agitation and anguish being alive, human and stuck inside my own head with these freaky philosophical questions that I thought I was seconds away from suicide.

The sort of thoughts have been: what is the concept of time, what is consciousness, why am I alive in this period, where has my consciousness been, why have I been placed on this Earth with consciousness and awareness of my mortality to torment me with the inevitability of it, what if after death I am trapped and alone for eternity, what if I am the only truly conscious person on this planet, how can I truly exist when the chance of life is so slim from the creation of the Universe to my individual existence, what is the point of being happy and alive if death is the outcome in the end and everybody I love and care about just vanishes (the most upsetting one for me and ironically drives the suicidal thoughts) etc etc. I actually am freaked out and in FEAR of being ALIVE itself:weep:

Today I am feeling the brightest in about three days since this latest intense episode that drove me to the emergency room. I think as the sun is out it helps a ton. I have noticed that if it is cloudy and rainy the feelings of being trapped in my own existence and reality are unbearable strong. The difference the weather has on my mood is so profound and so strong that I think I need help with that too. Infact I clearly need help with a lot of things!:scared15:

[mnaha]

Geez, you are not alone and I think I already posted to one of your post.. I used to drive the priest, preachers, ministers and scientist crazy asking asking asking.. they don't know and it is best you forget it.. stop ,gee gads.. stop it.. who cares.. I mean it isn't like creation is going to open up and give you or any other peons of this planet anything meaningful in answers to the secrets of the universe. Mate ,find yourself a girl.. have sex, do art, work until you cant move and you think you will have any more questions ,I think not.. get busy doing anyting , go to the homeless neighborhoods give to them, feed them, find someone that has less than you do ,take care of them and forget yourself and your questions.. no body knows the answers and you sure wont' find them here and the people here don't know .Why would they , they don't even know how to handle their own question much the less the secrets of the universe.. geez.. come on.. many get yourself together and forget the questions..stop it ,stop it now.. get busy caring about others and that will answer why you are here.good luck ,take care and be cool

[fmac70]

You will be okay. I had anxiety many years ago. When you are feeling down the mind spirals down a particular negative path. Like the other poster said, you need to get involved in something outside yourself. Its not easy to climb back but you can do it! Focus on the small things that make you happy and in time you will start to feel better. It might take a few months but you can do it! Take care