Anxiety and Relationships

[L_x_j]

Hi All,

I'm new to this forum and have found reading through some the the threads very useful so thank you for that. To give you a bit of background, I've suffered with anxiety for most of my life, especially my adult life and it is a combination of general anxiety, social anxiety and especially anxiety in relationships.

I'm in a situation at the moment that I thought I'd never be in. I'm actually in a relationship with the girl of my dreams. I was up front with her before we entered the relationship about my struggles with anxiety and she was very understanding. We've become quite serious in a short period of time but it's such loving caring relationship that it just feels right. Initially as I got to know her, many of my anxieties disappeared (I struggle to eat around new people in certain situations, especially romantic interests). However just when I thought i was cured I came crashing back down to earth, my anxieties had returned. I think this coincided with me really falling for her.

Anyway, we're now about 4 months in and the support she give me in incredible, she is very understanding and I am very open and honest with her but I feel so insecure in myself. I have found it harder since being with her to go into certain social situations with friends and feel like I'm a massive burden to her with all these anxiety issues. I can get into quite a negative spiral when it hits me and it can be the smallest thing to set me off. I'm always very calm when I start to get anxious and can talkie through with her but keep having thoughts of 'why is she with me' and feel like there is a lot of pressure (from myself) to be 'normal' or she'll get bored and frustrated with me.

Anyway, I just wanted to know what other people had done to not let anxiety ruin their relationships and move past it? In the past my anxiety has got quite bad in relationships but feel that I've truly found someone so special I need to find a way to manage my negative thoughts and continue with a happy life together. I don't know whether I should be speaking to her about my problems or not but feel that being honest and open is always the right way to go about things.

Any thoughts would be brilliant. Thank you.

Alex

[Oosh]

"Why is she with me ?"

Well why IS she with you ?

Sounds like you have become used to seeing yourself without any value. Well nobody is without value, qualities, positive traits etc
This person is also your girlfriend already so she clearly has seen things in you already that she likes.

So, what might she and others like about you ?

Youre loyal ? Kind ? Trustworthy ? A real friend ? Caring ? You enjoy laughing ? You enjoy making people laugh ? You must be reasonably attractive if this girl is your gf.

People make the mistake of asking themselves what they're not. Make a big effort to start asking yourself repeatedly what positive things you ARE. A list develops and an awareness of the things on the list develops. You begin to be aware of the good things you are and can start to believe why people would be with you.

Why would she like you ?
What nice things have you done for her/been for her ?
See you through her eyes.

Picture her being surrounded by creeps and liars and not knowing who to trust. Then it becomes easier to see why your loyalty and trustworthiness and all the other nice real things you are , are so attractive and important to her.

Get into the habit of seeing the you that has value. Build your self esteem up. Feel more secure in who you are.

[L_x_j]

Hi Oosh,

Thank you for your reply. Everything you're saying is completely true and I know I focus on all the negatives. The truth is that I know I'm a decent human being who is kind, caring, supportive and fun to be around. I hope that doesn't sound big headed but what I'm trying to say is that I do have self confidence in myself but it seems to take a walk when I'm in a relationship. I think it's because when I'm with someone, you have to be vulnerable and they see all your flaws which are far easier to hide when you're on your own or perhaps they're brought to the forefront when you're with someone.

I know a lot of this is based around self esteem but the struggle is not letting myself listen to the devil on my shoulder. For some reason I value my qualities far lower on the scale of good traits than say, the party goer or the social butterfly which is not my natural position. I seem to think she is after all the traits that I don't naturally possess even though she has displayed no evidence of wanting that. I feel like it's just a matter of time before she starts to find me boring. Essentially more negative thinking on my part.

Thank you again for your thoughts, very helpful!

[Oosh]

I know mate I'm the same. A couple of books that helped were

Quiet. The power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking.

And

The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You

I just find they help give more insight and value into the traits introverted people have. You might not be some things but you ARE lots of other positive, attractive things.

Some attractive things aren't introvert or extrovert, like confidence in exactly who and what you are and feeling secure in it.

I mean if she wants a party animal she wouldn't be an ideal partner anyway. Value what it is you actually are and find somebody else who values and is looking for it too.

I'd guess she's not looking for one though and she knows exactly what she has got in you and is happy with that.

[L_x_j]

You're right, she doesn't want a party animal or a social butterfly but I think being in a relationship still highlights the parts of me I feel should be different.

I've actually just started reading The Highly Sensitive Person and have been finding it very helpful. I would definitely say I'm an HSP and want to start feeling proud of who I am although at the moment because I feel i've been living behind a mask my whole life and pleasing others I don't actually know the real me. It seems strange but I don't know where to start in finding myself but I do know I need to gain self confidence, especially in this relationship and realise I'm a great person to be with and she's lucky to be with me just as I am her.

I don't suppose you've got any tips on building self confidence. Do you ever get insecure times of low self esteem in your relationship. Sorry for the personal questions.

Alex

[Oosh]

Sometimes to value yourself it helps to see yourself and what you are through other people's eyes.

Think of some things you do and are for her.

Eg
She has had a hard day at work - you tell her to put her feet up that night and give her some sympathy.

She is feeling a bit insecure - but as usual you are there. She can trust you and that's not something everyone can say.

She is a bit down - you are not very good at it but you act a bit silly to lighten her mood.

If she got in any trouble she KNOWS you'd be there.

She can rely on you ! And that means a lot to her.

She's worried about stuff - you know she'll feel better if you just listen to her for a bit.

Look what a fantastic partner you are to her !
It's easy to see from her perspective why she would value you so much.
So it becomes easier to value yourself, who you are to people and what you offer.

You don't start the dancing by break dancing on your own on the dance floor.
You don't stand up alone and tell everyone great jokes at parties.
But she doesn't care ! Those aren't the things she values you for !

Look if there are any particular insecurities you have. Anywhere you feel particularly inadequate. They're like a hole in the bucket. You can be great everywhere else but if that weakness still exists all your self esteem just pours out time and time again through that hole.
Work on that area.

For me it was because I was so inhibited and self conscious I couldn't help feeling inferior to people who weren't.
I worked on it.
Noticed I liked myself a huge amount more when I saw I'd been messing about and being a bit silly.
I could do this if I just learned to forget myself and flow and focus on things that amused me.
I found she seemed to enjoy herself more when I did this. I focused on it more, it happened more.

You be yourself when you've forgotten yourself.
Forgetting yourself is sort of like being in a state of flow. Like when you are fully focused on a task you enjoy.
Forget yourself.
Be yourself.
Enjoy yourself.
Easier to do this when you lower importance and when you feel better about yourself.

My problem was overcoming crippling inhibition and self consciousness.
So these were the thought processes I found useful. Work out where you feel insecure. Where you feel you have a hole in your bucket. Work on that.