Don't know what to do with my life(23) F

[Bee_bee||dahl]

Ive been dealing w/ anxiety,intrusive thoughts, social anxiety, depersonalization..the works... since 2007

Im in college ..for the second time..

I just feel... like giving up... Its not college perse ..its just anxiety

I avoid my friends (well not really friends but acquaintances ) b/c im afraid of panicking infront of them, I don't want to kill their vibe/good time


Im at a point where I can't really drive bc im so nervous and envision crashing when Im on the road...

I don't have a job (mainly bc i cn't do fastfood jobs.(my last job i sucked hard at). the ones i want like dishwaser/busser are kinda hard to come by..atleast for me)


I feel trapped inside my self, everyday has been reduced to me just watching myself .. making sure i don't do anything crazy or outlandish...
(I have a fear of going crazy..woo-hoo) and its so tiring.. it leaves me drained mentally and tired physically..


It just sucks b/c I feel I'll never be anybody, i had dreams of being an animator/artist (I wanted to entertain/brighten people's day w/ my art)

I wanted to get married... i wanted to have kids... but now...

it seems so impossible, unreachable.....



Now Im just living day by day...


I just don't wanna be here...if its like this...

[spawn]

Hey, it's good that u have dreams :)
And they don't seem impossible or unreachable in time.
You are still young and have many years ahead of you to full fill your dreams.
It's easy to get caught up in routine and live life day by day, you need to think outside the box maybe?
You enjoy art? Maybe tap into this? Or a job that involves this?
Are you taking anything for your anxiety or spoken to anyone about your thoughts?
Sorry your feeling this way. Gav

[Oosh]

I can relate to the "watching myself" thing. I suffered from crippling self consciousness too.

I know it looks bleak but I say don't let the way you feel stop you doing anything or stop you pursuing what you really want to do. If other people in this world are doing it then you can too.

Anxiety and low confidence can convince you that you need to be withdrawing, hiding, setting your sights low, avoiding. But I've found over my life that that was the damaging thing to do. The best thing I found that I did was when I ignored what my anxieties told me and took big actions in my life towards things that terrified me, like meeting people, relationships and starting a business. It's these things now I know have saved my life. They've helped build my confidence, improve my well being, reduce anxiety in my life and helped me find a life that suits ME.

Do not give up on what you really want to do. In fact in my opinion that goal is perfect for you. I've always had a creative imagination and thought about learning software that would enable me to get it out to show others. It gives me a buzz just thinking about it. If you think it'd make you feel good, I believe you !
I think it could be the solution for you to pursue that and have that be the thing in your life that goes right for you , around which you can build your life !

It's the positive thing you can focus on to make all the other crap unimportant and peripheral. You NEED to have something positive like that to focus on. It really really matters. Not having anything positive like that in your life is the danger.

I've always believed were there is a will there is a way. Problem solve, find a route to doing animation etc for a living. Move if you have to ! How have others done it ? What was the route ! Do it ! Don't let anxieties and all these annoying uncomfortable feelings stop you. Like a stone in your shoe, be annoyed by it, hate it, resent it but don't let it stop you living the life you want to live.

Look for those relationships DESPITE how crap you feel. Pursue the career you want despite the crap you feel. One day you'll have these things and you will feel so glad you pushed through it all and carried on despite it.

Take your mind off yourself. Best way to shake off self consciousness is to think about others, how THEY feel, how you can make things better for them etc Forget about you !
Throw yourself into tasks you enjoy and aim to flow and forget yourself.

Don't let anxiety and low confidence convince you its all pointless. Look for opportunities and possibilities and you'll inevitably find them. Convince yourself there's none and that's what you'll find.

You can change how you feel. But you have to start changing some of those aspects of your life and self that you aren't happy with.