bluesparkle
18-01-07, 12:47
this may be a bit of a long read... i only hope it makes sense.
i am not very good at putting into words what i want to say.
firstly i have been a member of this site for ages now and it is just the best... everyone is great and there is no way i would be where i am now without you all.
last year i was at my lowest and i went to see the doctor ... i have done this in the past and never stuck with the help that was offered. within weeks i saw the mantal health team social worker... a psychiatrist(excuse spelling) and a cousellor. i just somehow knew the time was right to sort out issues in my life... on friday the psychiatrist said i no longer needed to see him but just to ask my doc if i need to, i had to ring the social worker to change an appopintment and she said she had spoken with mr stone and she was happy not to see me if i wished and as long as i still saw the counsellor and it was agreed that i could just phone her if i needed her at all. i was so chuffed. when i first saw them i thought that this was it i would need help for the rest of my life. i am going to come off my medication with the help of my doctor which i also thought i may have to take for life.
i have anxiety/panic and ocd and have had for many years but never fully understood what it was and just thought i was mad until i found this site.
it is great to have real feelings again... and also odd as i cannot always contol them ... crying, laughing etc but that will come as i have been locked shut for many years. i am 39 now and just thought this is the way life had to be for me but it isnt i was wrong.
obviuosly everything isnt right just over night and it is hard work but well worth it. i am not cured and still have moments where i lose the plot so to speak but i just remind myself how far ive come.
tuesday i faced my worst nightmare... i have one remaining problem which is embarrasing to admit but i would really like to overcome this... i have a fear of illness but not long term or life threatening but of minor things and not for me but my partner especially and my family. (there now i have finally said it)anyway by wednesday my partner myself and my youngest all had the bug... oh my god panic !!! well it wasnt that bad... my panic wasnt bad just the thoughts ... and "what if`s" if only i could manage those...
anyway not sure what that has got to do with this post i did warn you im not very good at this.
i guess what i want to say especailly to those people who feel great dispear at the moment i know what its like and its horrible but it can and does get better... i used to read the posative posts and genuinlly feel happy for the person writing them but just think oh that could never be me ...
the bad and worse days get to be bad and good days... then they get to be good and better days.
i still get really bad days but i can now step back and look how far i have come and i can get up the next day and start again just because ive had a bad day does not mean ive failed.and i can now also for the first time in my life look to the future with out being scared of it.. i can see where i am going and how i want to be... and i can just keep reaching out now instead of hiding.
my partner is not always supportive and i dont mean that to put him down in anyway i know its because he doesnt understand how we feel and i dont think you can unless you have felt it i used to get so upset and shout at him to help me not even giving a thought to how he must be feeling seeing me like a mad woman possesed and not knowing what to do to help but what ive learnt is that i have to do this and only i can change how i feel...
i can look back on all the bad things and one thing i find upsetting is how ive not been the best mother in the world as i have been so wrapped up in my problems but i cant go back and change things i can only change the future.
i hope you dont mind me rambling on but i just really felt it the right time to share with you today i dont know why.
i am still working and will be forever grateful for all the support i got from here whe
i am not very good at putting into words what i want to say.
firstly i have been a member of this site for ages now and it is just the best... everyone is great and there is no way i would be where i am now without you all.
last year i was at my lowest and i went to see the doctor ... i have done this in the past and never stuck with the help that was offered. within weeks i saw the mantal health team social worker... a psychiatrist(excuse spelling) and a cousellor. i just somehow knew the time was right to sort out issues in my life... on friday the psychiatrist said i no longer needed to see him but just to ask my doc if i need to, i had to ring the social worker to change an appopintment and she said she had spoken with mr stone and she was happy not to see me if i wished and as long as i still saw the counsellor and it was agreed that i could just phone her if i needed her at all. i was so chuffed. when i first saw them i thought that this was it i would need help for the rest of my life. i am going to come off my medication with the help of my doctor which i also thought i may have to take for life.
i have anxiety/panic and ocd and have had for many years but never fully understood what it was and just thought i was mad until i found this site.
it is great to have real feelings again... and also odd as i cannot always contol them ... crying, laughing etc but that will come as i have been locked shut for many years. i am 39 now and just thought this is the way life had to be for me but it isnt i was wrong.
obviuosly everything isnt right just over night and it is hard work but well worth it. i am not cured and still have moments where i lose the plot so to speak but i just remind myself how far ive come.
tuesday i faced my worst nightmare... i have one remaining problem which is embarrasing to admit but i would really like to overcome this... i have a fear of illness but not long term or life threatening but of minor things and not for me but my partner especially and my family. (there now i have finally said it)anyway by wednesday my partner myself and my youngest all had the bug... oh my god panic !!! well it wasnt that bad... my panic wasnt bad just the thoughts ... and "what if`s" if only i could manage those...
anyway not sure what that has got to do with this post i did warn you im not very good at this.
i guess what i want to say especailly to those people who feel great dispear at the moment i know what its like and its horrible but it can and does get better... i used to read the posative posts and genuinlly feel happy for the person writing them but just think oh that could never be me ...
the bad and worse days get to be bad and good days... then they get to be good and better days.
i still get really bad days but i can now step back and look how far i have come and i can get up the next day and start again just because ive had a bad day does not mean ive failed.and i can now also for the first time in my life look to the future with out being scared of it.. i can see where i am going and how i want to be... and i can just keep reaching out now instead of hiding.
my partner is not always supportive and i dont mean that to put him down in anyway i know its because he doesnt understand how we feel and i dont think you can unless you have felt it i used to get so upset and shout at him to help me not even giving a thought to how he must be feeling seeing me like a mad woman possesed and not knowing what to do to help but what ive learnt is that i have to do this and only i can change how i feel...
i can look back on all the bad things and one thing i find upsetting is how ive not been the best mother in the world as i have been so wrapped up in my problems but i cant go back and change things i can only change the future.
i hope you dont mind me rambling on but i just really felt it the right time to share with you today i dont know why.
i am still working and will be forever grateful for all the support i got from here whe