Ollie28
19-03-15, 18:34
Ive been battling my illness for over 12 months really really bad anxiety, PTSD, dissociation (im apparently going through) ive witnessed some horrifying symtoms, feelings, emotions, and ive battled through each one 24/7 each and every single second of the day for 13 months solid,
I tried taking my life about 4 weeks ago - which in turn made me realise its not the answer if i can break theres hope surely i can be fixed, ....(i hope)
That action got me the help i have been looking for and the last 2 weeks i feel ive been making little progress if only tiny steps i was learning what helps and what dosnt with help from therapy, my illness is ment to be - my body is psycologically trapped in a state of trauma, im having EDMR therapy, after what i went through with my partner in the end it put my body in a state of shock and psycologically traumatised me,
Anyways like i said ive battled the last 13 months living in hell disconnected mentally, in pain, confusion, memory problems awareness problems just a constant state of feeling wrong but ive kept my consciousness, my psychatrist tried to explain it to me like my subconcious mind has seperated from my conciousness im trapped in the part of the mind that can not be used to work things out, kind of strange but to me it constantly feels like im trapped away in a box with no awarness feelings detatched to the point i never feel the feeling of satisfaction ive just witnessed something or taken it in - its really horrific!!!
Im now back at the start! I was traumatised again tuesday night! I wont go in to it but i was arrested for a crime i havnt commited - the crime has brought up old old stuff in relation and ive been charged - it could lead me to a prison sentence.
I arrived home wednesday morning as soon as i walked through the door my body went in to shock again, i was shaking my nerves are so so bad, i was having savere panic attacks, ive not been able to focus im stuck in a highley anxious servere nervous state so bad im re living all those symtoms again i thought through, there so bad and intense im convinced im going crazy, i start freaking out i feel like running and hiding its so bad, ive been gardening today or trying to i cant focus at all but i cant sit still it makes it worse,
Im petrified im going to have to leave my wife and kids in the state im in they are the only reason ive come so far there my sacurity i hug them to feel safe,
I cant cope with the idea of going to prison, ive never been in trouble before im a honest hard working caring kind family man. I cant cope no more im not sure my mind nerves and body can take much more i feel totally totally mentally drained. Im shaking writing this. I cant sit still or relax i cant think straight i feel a complete complete complete nervous wreck,
Come that court date il be in such a state i wont even be able to stand up,
Whats happended to my life!!!!!!! 8-(
I need my old normal life back so so much
I tried taking my life about 4 weeks ago - which in turn made me realise its not the answer if i can break theres hope surely i can be fixed, ....(i hope)
That action got me the help i have been looking for and the last 2 weeks i feel ive been making little progress if only tiny steps i was learning what helps and what dosnt with help from therapy, my illness is ment to be - my body is psycologically trapped in a state of trauma, im having EDMR therapy, after what i went through with my partner in the end it put my body in a state of shock and psycologically traumatised me,
Anyways like i said ive battled the last 13 months living in hell disconnected mentally, in pain, confusion, memory problems awareness problems just a constant state of feeling wrong but ive kept my consciousness, my psychatrist tried to explain it to me like my subconcious mind has seperated from my conciousness im trapped in the part of the mind that can not be used to work things out, kind of strange but to me it constantly feels like im trapped away in a box with no awarness feelings detatched to the point i never feel the feeling of satisfaction ive just witnessed something or taken it in - its really horrific!!!
Im now back at the start! I was traumatised again tuesday night! I wont go in to it but i was arrested for a crime i havnt commited - the crime has brought up old old stuff in relation and ive been charged - it could lead me to a prison sentence.
I arrived home wednesday morning as soon as i walked through the door my body went in to shock again, i was shaking my nerves are so so bad, i was having savere panic attacks, ive not been able to focus im stuck in a highley anxious servere nervous state so bad im re living all those symtoms again i thought through, there so bad and intense im convinced im going crazy, i start freaking out i feel like running and hiding its so bad, ive been gardening today or trying to i cant focus at all but i cant sit still it makes it worse,
Im petrified im going to have to leave my wife and kids in the state im in they are the only reason ive come so far there my sacurity i hug them to feel safe,
I cant cope with the idea of going to prison, ive never been in trouble before im a honest hard working caring kind family man. I cant cope no more im not sure my mind nerves and body can take much more i feel totally totally mentally drained. Im shaking writing this. I cant sit still or relax i cant think straight i feel a complete complete complete nervous wreck,
Come that court date il be in such a state i wont even be able to stand up,
Whats happended to my life!!!!!!! 8-(
I need my old normal life back so so much