Was doing so well til I found a mole/growth this morning...

[snowflake293]

Hi everyone

I haven't been on NMP in some time. I was feeling much better, and focusing much less on my health worries/fears. I have a great CBT session last week and the therapist is really happy.

However, this morning I noticed an irregular, very dark brown almost black spotchy, raised and sore mole on my bum cheek. I'd noticed a scab/spot there months and months ago but thought nothing of it, and now its very dodgy looking splattery mole that is raised, inflamed and has a pinkish shadow round it. I googled and it looks like just like a melanoma. It is quite small, 3mm I think. I am going to see the doctor first thing tomorrow and I am expecting the worst. I am hoping it is just a dysplastic nevi but it has more characteristics of melanoma. I just feel so hopeless right now and I really need some support :weep:

When I found it I went into panic, sweating, throwing up, tears etc... I have calmed down now.

I have a lot of stuff going on in my family, my uncle is dying and I need to be strong for everyone.

Feel quite teary now. Have googled melanoma statistics and it says if caught early enough it can be dealt with easily.

I am just freaking out cause I have this thing where I think I am gonna be the 'unlucky one'. I am so scared it might have already spread if it is cancer.

I feel so weak right now. Apart from my uncle being ill and my family needing me, everything else in my life is going so great and I should be happy and enjoying myself - and I was! and now this :weep:

You know when you get that feeling about something? Normally when I have a health worry I can totally rationalise it now and be ok but with this thing on my bum everything screams cancer to me.

Please help xxx

---------- Post added at 13:20 ---------- Previous post was at 13:07 ----------

I feel so horrible and I can't stop crying. I feel I am being punished in some way - because I worry so much and I am always at the doctors now I am being punished for wasting time. I really don't know what to do :( I am sorry. I just want a normal life with no drama and I was doing so well. I am so confused.

---------- Post added at 14:40 ---------- Previous post was at 13:20 ----------

I honestly don't know what to do. I am so fearful I can't do anything. I can't take my mind off this mole, I keep looking at it and worrying more. Ive looked at loads of photos online and read lots of stuff about melanoma which has made me feel worse. I just want a dr to see it and tell me its nothing to worry about, but honestly it does not look right at all and I am so scared it is cancer! I am so worried they will want to do a biopsy and my biggest fear is that if it is melanoma it could have spread :( really in a mess.

[stacyct]

Please stop worrying! It is so easy to google stuff and of course you'll find the worst case scenarios. I had the worst health anxiety and went to my dermatologist many times with these fears. I feel that you are young...the first thing my dermatologist would tell me is I'm young and shouldn't have fears of melanoma. I know you always read articles and stories about young people with melanoma but THAT is exactly why there's an article about it- because it's so rare. These people usually have a family history of skin cancers or spend way too much time unprotected in the sun. Melanoma is not as common as skin cancer advocates want you to believe. Also, melanoma is more common on the face, hands, etc. places that are exposed to the sun...unless you're tanning in the nude frequently it is highly unlikely to be melanoma !

I guarantee your dermatologist will tell you it's nothing but most likely remove it to curb your fears. Please stop googling...you can google a cut finger and googling will eventually lead you to cancer every single time. Worrying will not help the situation. Find something to take your mind off of it! Clear your browser history and watch a movie or read a book. I can promise your incessant worrying will do more harm than good. Just relax and clear your head

[sarahsparkleshine]

Calm down. First. How do you even know that this is a mole? Honestly, this could be acne of a sort. Second. Stop googling. It only shows the worst! Google isn't an accurate diagnoses. I know that feeling of fear, and panic. I've been dealing with hypochondria, and ocd since early childhood. One thing I've been able to do at my age (36) is to look back at all my freak outs, and ask myself which one was I actually accurate about? None. Not one. We are all going to get something one day. Worrying won't stop that. I would not freak about a spot on your bum. Where would that spread to if it were something anyhow?! That's the other thing. It's in an area of fat! Please understand I am here if you need to talk. I hate this disease. It's scary, and takes over what could be a productive happy life.

[Fishmanpa]

Theses are just words so reading "calm down" and "don't Google" won't mean or do thing to help you unless you heed them.

You've done well with your HA as you've said, so look inside to the weapons you've used to quell this spiral. As you know from experience, 99.999% of the fears you and others have turn out to be nothing. If in the .001% chance it's actually something, you'll deal with it. It's a mole in a spot that gets rubbed by clothes all the time (and you've been poking and prodding it I'm sure) so that's why it looks irritated. Get it checked if you need to to and get yourself back on the recovery wagon ;)

Positive thoughts

[snowflake293]

Thanks for your replies. It is definitely a mole of some sort, it is dark brown/blackish and slightly raised with uneven sort of splattered edges. I had a scab/spot there ages ago and I guess I thought what could see was a scab, but I had a real close look (contorted myself and managed to get a photo...) and zoomed in and it looks like all the photos of melanomas I have seen on Google.

I just feel so awful. I am in tears! I was doing so well with my health anxiety, felt I had really turned a corner with it.

I am going to see the doctor in the morning but I am so sick with worry. I have already thrown up once and can feel like I am going to be sick again.

My boyfriend is at work and I desperately need to speak to him. I can't bother any of my family with this as they have their own stuff going on and I don't want to tell my friends.

I feel lonely and confused. This thing on my bum looks like none of my other moles. It looks much darker and I am worried that it was all scabbed up before.

I know I need to just not look on Google and do something else to take my mind off. It is so hard though. I know my boyfriend is going to ask me to marry him soon and we've been talking about starting a family in a year or two, I just feel so sad now thinking I won't get to do any of these things.

I love my boyfriend and my family so much and I am just so scared everything is going to go wrong. I am sorry if this sounds so pathetic over a mole but honestly I have had lots of moles I have worried over in the past that turned out to be nothing but none of them ever looked like this.

I am sorry to go on I just feel so terrible right now. Really breaking down.

---------- Post added at 15:08 ---------- Previous post was at 15:05 ----------

All I can think about is dying :( I am so scared. I just have this vision of me having to tell everyone I love that I have cancer. I am so scared I have it and it has spread. I know what I need to do and I shouldn't google etc... but I am so desperate, I just want someone to tell me I am ok and not going to die.

I know how pathetic it sounds but I just feel like my life is ruined now. I just know this mole is different and I have no idea how I am going to cope with the next few hours let alone seeing a doctor and possibly having tests.

to make it worse I am due to be going out with my family this evening so I have to suck all this up. I will do it of course, cause I love them and they need me to be strong at the moment, especially my mom. It is just so hard.

[sarahsparkleshine]

Actually, coming from someone who's spent Years googling to no avail, the best advice one can give in this situation is to "calm down" and "not Google" because hearing from others that Google only has the most horrifying results can definitely reassure and give some calmness. In reality, none of the advice given on any of these posts do any good unless they're heeded fishman. So I wouldn't start off a reply pointing anything of the sort out.

I know you are so scared. I hate that feeling. I truly do. But honestly, if you look back, the second you got online is when your real fear set in. Like fishman stated, it does get irritated in that area, and you are constantly rubbing it, and putting pressure on it by sitting. The more you"research" the more scared you'll be. Wait until tomorrow. Your doctor will reassure you. Put some neosporin and a bandage on it overnight. I can almost guarantee it will be better in the morning! And please keep yourself busy and not online.

[snowflake293]

Thanks, really wish I'd not Googled but the thing is I have Googled so much about skin cancer its like I have encyclopaedic knowledge of what Google would show anyway(!) I was worried as soon as I spotted it. I was the backs of my legs as I have a bruise and that was when I noticed it. It is only slightly sore now, but there had been quite a dark scab there for a while that I assumed healed up (I don't make a habit of looking at my bum every day lol) anyway what I saw is definitely suspicious, as in if someone showed it to me I would say get that checked if that makes sense?

I am very up and down crying a lot then having periods of thinking it will be ok. The underlying fear is there though and I just cant do anything else other than Google, desperate for some reassurance.

I know chances are even if it is melanoma it is likely to be treatable, but that's only if it hasn't spread and I am so scared of that.

I don't cope well with doctors appointments, especially if there is any hinting at tests. Having a biopsy on a mole is like my number one fear too. I had a bad scare before Christmas and I went to pieces. Luckily the doctor took one look and said it was fine. This was sommat totally different though, pale mole with even edges that just went scabby. This thing looks very out of place, very dark pigmentation and bumpy/even.

Gonna get on and tidy the house up before my fella gets home, then have a bath, put my make up on and do my hair and go out with my family cause I have to make out everything is ok tonight for their benefit.

This is so bloody tough.

[sarahsparkleshine]

I too have had to put on the"I'm fine" face in public many times. But you'll at least have your mind on something else. And even though it looks really bad, a sore becomes a sore from trama, and I can bet you've rubbed or irritated the scab as it was healing and now it looks like this. Relax in the tub, and get out of e house as planned. I'm here anytime!

[snowflake293]

Thanks :) It isn't actually that sore and the fact its such a dark, irregular mole that has shown itself so suddenly is bothering me more. I will have made it look more irritated by poking at it, but the dark brown mole bit isn't going to go away overnight - wish it would.

Had a nice shower and got dressed (finally, it is 4pm here and I have sat in my pjs since 11am crying over this mole!) and spoke to my boyfriend on the phone.

He seemed a little frustrated saying "we have been here before" etc not in a nasty way (he isn't like that at all he is very understanding and kind as he has been through similar with anxiety) and he said I'll be ok and remember last time I thought I had it, thing it last time it wasn't melanoma fear - this is my first proper melanoma looking mole, which has worried me enough to make my physically sick.

Anyway he will be home soon enough and I just want to hug him and cry and cry. I know I am being weak and pathetic and even if this mole is skin cancer I will have to toughen up and not be like this.

Feel so terrible cause so many people I know have lost someone recently or are suffering themselves and I feel so guilty.

The mole is so scary to look at, it looks black against the rest of my skin (I am quite pale) but on closer inspection its dark brown. Praying to God as hard as I can that when I see the Dr tomorrow they take one look at say its fine. If I am referred to a specialist or have to have tests I will go to pieces.

---------- Post added at 17:05 ---------- Previous post was at 16:39 ----------

I am worrying now cause for the past few days I have had pulled muscle/sciatic type pain in the same bum cheek this mole is on and the pain is radiating down my leg. I get this at times (I found out in the week I have a curved spine which causes back pain sometimes) but I am worried I have melanoma that is spreading.

Sorry to be such a nuisance and ask for so much reassurance, I was doing so so well. I have not been on here in a month even and managed to get through an xray last week with no dramas and now this.

Has anyone had melanoma or a mole/growth that looked like it?

[snowflake293]

I went out last night and felt loads better, I felt good being around my family and focusing on other things. Really helps my anxiety to distract myself! I showed my Mom my mole and she said she doesn’t think it looks dodgy, although she isn’t a dr lol. I told my dad about it and he just said to get the dr to look at it to set my mind at rest. However, this morning I woke up and the fear came seeping in again L I woke up feeling awful! Looked at the mole again and its red round the edges but I think thats cause I picked and poked at it yesterday. Tried calling the drs but the number in engaged. Feel sick to my stomach.

I am so fearful over this stupid mole and I am so cross that I am fixated on this. I should be happy at the moment, lots of good, positive things going on in my life to look forward too. Lots of sadness too unfortunately that my family need me to be strong for. I need to pull myself together! Rationalising it is helping, thinking to myself my mom and boyfriend had looked at it and didn’t seem concerned and also my boyfriend thinks its always been there! Even if worst case scenario, the dr refers me to a dermatologist chances are its harmless and even if it is melanoma it is very small so I am thinking it is unlikely it could have spread.

I think it just looks worse cause I am focusing on it more now and also cause I picked it. It definitely doesn’t look like any of my other moles though and thats what concerns me. It is very dark and oblong shaped but turning down at the sides. It doesn’t have any bits that jut out or look hugely uneven. The edges are a bit uneven looking and its pretty much all one colour. I kind of wish Id not noticed it! But I guess its important to get these things checked so on this occasion I will see a dr. Praying so hard that the dr takes one look at says not to worry but preparing myself for the possibility of a referral.

[worrywart29]

Did you ever end up getting it checked out? I hope all is well

[snowflake293]

Got my appointment 11:10 this morning. I cant tell you how scared and sick I feel right now. This is hell.

[worrywart29]

How did the appointment turn out? I hope it went well keep us posted

[snowflake293]

The dr said the mole was nothing to worry about. Im still not convinced. Im worried she was just saying that cause I was in such a state crying. Shes doubled my meds and said to see her in two weeks. Im scared when I go back shes gonna say I need the mole taking off! Scared she didnt wanna make my anxiety worse :(

[Frankie123]

Snowflake your doctor would not do that. If she had thought there was any doubt whatsoever that the mole might be cancerous she would have sent you for immediate investigation. Doctors are very experienced at looking at moles and knowing which need further investigation. I feel you should feel completely reassured that she said it was nothing to worry about.

[snowflake293]

Thanks, its just so hard to trust her. Im convinced I am dying of cancer at the moment. Its ridiculous I know and I feel ashamed in a way, feel like Im wasting the drs time :(

[Gary A]

With moles, it's quite easy to tell what is normal and what isn't. As easy as A, B, C in fact;

A - Asymetry: If you drew a line down the centre are both sides the same? If so, it's fine.

B - Border: Is the border irregular or uniform? Uniform border is fine.

C - Colour: Is it one colour? Melanoma is usually differing shades of brown/black. Most normal moles have differing colours also but melanoma tends to be dark brown/black/red colours.

D - Diameter: Anything smaller than 6mm diameter (the diameter of a pencil) is of little cause for concern.

E - Evolution: Is it growing rapidly, changing colour, shape or is it raising whereas before it was flat? If it stays the same over a 1-2 month period it's not anything to worry about. Remember, even normal moles can change with sun exposure etc.

This mole you have described sounds perfectly harmless, even more so that your doctor has given an all clear. Melanoma is relatively common, so do remember your doctor will be easily able to tell what is normal and what is not.

[Fishmanpa]

Thanks, its just so hard to trust her. Im convinced I am dying of cancer at the moment. Its ridiculous I know and I feel ashamed in a way, feel like Im wasting the drs time :(

When I see posts like this, it makes my heart sad :weep: To know one is in a mental state where no amount of logic or common sense can penetrate the dragon's fire is sobering. Plain and simple, a medical professional would not risk their career by lying to a patient regardless of their mental state.

Take her advice concerning the meds, see her in two weeks and ask about a referral for therapy or CBT.

Good luck and positive thoughts

[snowflake293]

Thanks guys. Thing is this mole does look dodgy but she said its fine. Its tiny but I know I have to trust her. I just cant. Been having CBT since November last year. To me that mole is cancer. I just know it :( feel like the Dr didnt look close enough. Worry too about other cancers as im having a camera up my nose next week due to ENT probs so worried about that now too.

[iworryallthetime]

Hi snowflake , I compleatly understand your mole worry I to have this regularly only last week in fact , I've also had the camera up the nose to ...
Health anxiety is horrid I today have started seeing a councillor to try help untangle my head ... Hope it helps ...
Just wanted to say your not alone and I find that a comfort in itself , as I truly thought I was so alone with this anxiety ..

[Frankie123]

I think you should go back to your GP, explain to her that you are not convinced that the mole is okay and ask to be referred to a dermatologist as you want to be 100% sure. If she is a good GP she will not have a problem in doing this and then you to will be reassured.
If for any reason she says no then there are many private clinics where you can have moles checked which are not that expensive so there is bound to be one in your area.

[snowflake293]

I think I'd be better off just trusting my GP really. I still think the mole is cancerous and she has missed it, but I know that is irrational. If the GP was is any doubt she would have referred me. I am still worried that she will do this when I see her in a fortnight... I know that is a bit mad. I was in such a mess when I saw her though.

[Gary A]

I'd advise you simply to keep an eye on it for noticeable changes. If you go a few weeks and it's still exactly the same, it is not cancer. It's too small to be melanoma, it's not the right colour and above all, a doctor has said it's fine. If you keep returning to the doc they'll wind up referring you to a dermatologist, this will do nothing more than feed into your anxiety and fuel your worst fears.

[snowflake293]

I'm just freaked out cause it is so dark and to me it looks uneven! I even took a photo and zoomed in and it looked proper dodgy. The dr had a good look though under a light too and said it is absolutely nothing.

I just want to forget it if I can, it sounds mad but I kind of wish Id never seen it!

I think it is possibly a new mole as I am very aware of my body and never noticed it before but my boyfriend reckons its always been there.

Anyway the dr said its fine so I am gonna try and learn to trust what she says. I think I have to for my own good cause I need to get over this.

[Gary A]

What do you mean "proper dodgy"? What's "dodgy" about it? And another question, do you think you know better than the doctor? Sorry to sound a bit harsh with that but it's a question you need to ask yourself.

[snowflake293]

It doesn't look normal, it is really dark and has uneven edges. I did pick it though, but it looked a bit eneven before. It looks like pictures I Googled of melanomas. I showed it to my boyfriend and Mom and they were both like, its TINY what are you worried about? the dr said its fine and to stop picking it. I am just scared she was only saying that cause I was in a mess freaking out.

[Gary A]

I would assume the doctor would be more concerned about her reputation and career than she would be of making you nervous. This is just your anxiety doing this, it's finding a way to make you doubt a diagnosis, it's one of the main symptoms of health anxiety. It's not cancer, it's an everyday mole that is looking worse as you are focusing on it. I'll bet my life savings that in a few months time you'll look at it and be angry at yourself for ever working yourself into such a state over such a silly little thing.

[snowflake293]

I hope so. Its just so dark! I think it looks almost black. Im gonna keep a close eye on it and if it changes in the slightest I'll pay to see a dermatologist.

[PanicAttackGurl]

I have had melanoma (stage 3) and the Dr knew right away it was not a normal mole. I have Carcinoma skin cancer now and an upcoming surgery to have it removed. I am covered in moles. Black, brown, pink, multi colored. I'm a mole factory human machine. Your Dr would know if this mole was a threat. Trust the Dr.

[snowflake293]

Thanks for your reply, I am sorry you have been through all this and need more surgery and I hope all goes well for you.

I feel so bad when I hear about people who have really been through it, it makes me feel guilty for getting in such a state over things when I've been told by a dr that I am fine.

I am in a bad place at the moment and I am finding it harder and harder to trust drs but I know I need to get over it. You are right though, the dr would know if the mole was a threat and she wouldn't delay in referring me.

Thanks again x

[Kikirchi]

I have the same worry..how is your mole going ?

[Froggie85]

I am also in the same boat and am wondering how you're doing!

[Limeslime]

Wow, you sound just like me! I also have a mole that the dr said was fine, but I just cannot accept it! It’s weirdly reassuring to know other people go through this too!