View Full Version : I Miss my Dad :(
My Dad passed away this time last year and I find I'm missing him more than ever. I wasn't even close and we had issues, but it is an unclosed book for me. So many questions I wanted to ask and didn't.
My relationship was not a loving one, by far, but, he's gone now and I can never know so many things. Did he Love me? Was he proud? Did I let him down? I sooo struggle with so many issues over this and I can't get closure. :weep:
panicstricken
23-03-15, 20:33
Heya carnation first of all can i say im really sorry for your loss:hugs: i dont think u ever get over a shock like that no matter how old you are or what your relationship was like, it will however get a little easier to bear in time. I too lost my father when i was very young and have spent biggest part of my life pondering the same questions. All i can say is as a parent myself i am certain of one thing, parents always love and are proud of their children even if they dont always say or show it. Im sure you could never let him down and if he were here he would say that to you. I dont pretend to know exactly what you are going through but if you ever need a friendly ear im herexx:bighug1:
Hope you find some peace soon
California Girl
23-03-15, 20:51
Hi carnation :) i'm really sorry for your loss. I'm 100% sure that your father loved you. I am a parent & I love my children no matter what they do it's just instinct & i'm sure he was proud too :) sending you lots of big hugs xxx
I lost my dad last year on the 13th of March. He was 65 and was going up the stairs when he had a massive heart attack and was gone in a second. He was buried on my anniversary this coming Saturday. We too didn't have the best relationship when I was growing up, but the past 10 years were a lot better.
I lost my nan 3 months before who I was very close to, she was a brilliant Nan, and I find when I go to the cemetery, I can visit my nan and chat to her, but I cant do that with my dad, I just stand there and look at the grave. I think its the case that I am not ready to accept it yet and still cant really accept that he is gone.
I was 38 when he died, but have younger brothers, the youngest being 21 at the time, so god knows what it was like for him, I can't even imagine.
I arranged the funeral myself even though I have several brothers and sisters, I also sorted out he headstone, it was a weird time, and still is I guess.
Im not sure its something we ever accept or get over, it just is, and thats it.
Its a very sad time when you lose a parent no matter how well you did or did not get on with them, as without them we wouldnt be here.
Im sure he loved you, my dad was brought up hard by his parents so never showed feelings, but he did tell me one time he was sorry for things in the past. I am sure he loved me though, and I loved him too. Its just not easy to show it sometimes sadly.
I am sorry for your loss carnation and also that you are in a situation where it isn't possible to get those questions asked, let alone answered. Very difficult for you. I cannot possibly understand how this would feel for you but I do know that when someone dies and we have not resolved issues with them, it is not an easy thing to come to terms with. I had a similar situation when my brother died. I really didnt like him because he was horrible to me(systematic emotional abuse). We had absolutely nothing in common. But I found myself looking to see if there was just a scrap of something decent about him. I even found use of getting upset because "I did try to like him" but I couldn't. I encourage you to explore your feelings rather than remain at odds. Otherwise you might find alot of pent up anger. I found myself pouring my emotions into paper. Writing reams of what perhaps seemed like random scribblings. But the very act of getting thoughts and feelings out, no matter how mixed up they were did serve to help me resolve my feelings. I did dig deep into the past. It was hard. Very hard & pushed me to the limit of my emotions. But doing all of that has cleared my head. I am finally free of the past. It still continues to influence me sometimes because if course I find some situations triggering. But it no longer dictates to me. Sending you hugs & support.
Hey Carnation, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I remember it all too well the first year I lost my mom. On the anniversary I just kind of stayed home and did nothing all day. Didn't want to see family or really do anything. I still wonder about things I would have asked her or things I wish I had time to talk to her about. You are right about it being an unfinished book.
Something that I find helps me is to ask other relatives and her friends about her. It fills some of those pages, if not all.
Be kind to yourself and hang in there.
MyNameIsTerry
24-03-15, 06:16
Its always a tough time on these anniversaries. My big brother's long term GF lost her mum a couple of years ago just before Xmas (its often then for some reason!) and she found the first anniversary hard but it gets easier.
Perhaps the best way is to consider it a time for rememberance and mark it with something good to honour him. Maybe this would help you feel like you are showing him how much you loved him and gives you some comfort in return?
Maybe you could plant a tree for him Carnation?
I'm sorry that both you & Dazza are going through this.
I know how you feel,even though I lost my parents years ago the pain of losing a parent never goes away
Petra x
Thanks everyone for your support. :hugs:I certainly shed a tear or two reading your messages that actually brought me great comfort to read. It does help to express how you feel in the open and I have ben bottling this up inside me too much lately.
I really don't understand why I get so upset, because we were just not close. Never a cuddle or words of affection. In fact I felt like a piece of furniture most of the time.
I remember if my Dad was reading a newspaper or book, he wouldn't even put it down when I visited him and I would sit there staring around the room while he carried on reading. He was never that impressed with any of my achievements and I just wanted to make him proud. Admittedly, he had a very cold upbringing himself and he was very Victorian in his values, but it would have nice if he had told me he loved me
before he dies. His saying was always; "Take Care".
Terry, a tree or plant is a nice idea, but I have already buried his ashes under his favorite rose that belonged to his Mother.
Panicstricken, I can't even begin to know how you feel losing a Father at a young age. I suppose in time you re-direct your feelings and emotions on to your own Children, but it must have been hard for you. :hugs:
Thank you Summer08. Maybe he did love me, but he never showed it and that's why I think I am struggling now.
Dazza123, its sounds like you had a Father similar to me. My Dad was also sorry for things he had done in the past. He fell out with a lot of people including family and when they passed away, he was sorry. He also hated his Father, but the Family turned him against him. I even left home because I though I was unwanted, but I do know in latter years that he said there was always a roof in his house if I needed it.
It's a shame close ones cannot express their feelings more openly, it would save a lot of heartache.
Tessar, as always, you are very supportive and you know what I am going through with my Family at the moment. And you are right. It's the 'Issues' that are the hardest to deal with. You can do stuff and have Counseling, but it doesn't change what goes on in the head. The thoughts, the memories, the pain, the questions, the why's?
I suppose time will heal all of these, but I can't quite believe that at the moment.
Swgrl09, I am sorry you lost your Mum and talking to relatives must be very comforting. Unfortunately, my Dad only had a surviving Sister, who I don't really speak to. My Mum is a Manic Depressive so it is difficult to talk to her about these things. I am also an only child so I can not share or speak about my feelings with a Sister or Brother. That doesn't help me in my grieving, because I feel so alone.
Bluemoon, sorry for you loss. We are both still in the early stages of loss and although we try and get on with Life and back to normal, I think it maybe takes a little longer to adjust. I don't think you can ever prepare for that day when you lose someone forever and although my Dad had Parkinson's Disease, it wasn't that, that killed him. I was expecting to have him around for a few years longer, but he fell down the stairs and broke his neck and I had been telling him for ages to have a bedroom downstairs or move in to a Bungalow, but he wouldn't listen to me. I feel so angry in a way. Maybe I should have been more tougher on the decision making, but he still made me feel like a 12 year old child. He always knew best and look what happened in the end! :weep:
Well, it's not getting any easier with my emotions and thoughts of my Dad, so I have decided to seek Counselling again. I can't go around with these thoughts 24/7 and I don't want to be in a position where it makes my Depression worse than what it is.
I've made a few calls and hopefully I can get some help. :ohmy:
That sounds like a really good idea,Carnation,and I'm sure you would get benefit from it.
I think you're an only child like I was? Its difficult not having siblings to have shared your past experiences, but there again,not all siblings are close.
I don't know if we ever really" get over" losing our parents,or simply get used to dealing with it.Its several years since I lost my Mum,and even more my Dad,but it still hurts sometimes,maybe a piece of music,or someone who looks like them from behind,can awaken memories, and cause me to fill up.
But it does get easier, there's no doubt about that,and it will for you too.
I heard it said once that grief works through us,as opposed to us working through it,and I think that's true,you can't put a time frame on it.
Just be kind to yourself and accept that whatever you feel is valid. :hugs:
Great to hear from you Aprilmoon.
It is difficult when being an only child.
And I know time will heal, but for some strange reason, I am struggling more now, than at the beginning. Also, my Mother has gone in to a deep Depression and made herself housebound, so I feel like I have lost both Parents in a way.
I was hoping that after my Dad's passing that we would be much closer, but we could not be further apart. She can only see her suffering and loneliness and we have such a cold relationship now. I feel responsible and helpless at the same time and the safety net of my Parents being there for me has now gone.
I like what you said about grief working through us, as opposed to us working through it. I understand it being a process and maybe I stored it away until I was ready to deal with it; which is probably now.
Sorry to hear about your Parents too. :hugs:Hope you are well. x
Hey carnation, how r u today? I feel u r right, it may well be u r ready to deal with things. Can take time but it does help. in my case it has helped. Not easy but it felt to me like so much pressure has been lifted. Hugs.
Hi Tessar.
Sorry for the delay in replying, but my Anxiety symptoms having been so high I decided to stay away for a while.
Yes, I still suffering with the thoughts of my Dad, but I am arranging some Counselling to hopefully deal with this. Because of the History involved here, the feelings run deep, as you know from my previous posts. You know how it is?
'Pressure', yes a lot of pressure, feels like my head is about to explode.
Hope you are doing ok, especially now we have this beautiful sunshine. :hugs:
My Dad passed 30 years ago and I still miss him. I missed the chance to tell him how much I wished I could have been a better son. My Dad retired early and I moved him to live with us but his Alzheimer's advanced very rapid. The thing that bothered me the most was that I was helpless to do anything but watch. After he died I spent a year on Imipramine. He still shows up in dreams. My mother who didn't want me because I wasn't a girl, I don't ever think of.
Davit, that is sad to think that way. A Son, is a Son and he would have been proud of you know matter what. :hugs:
My Dad got Parkinson's Disease and I was in a similar position to you. I felt helpless as I watched him struggle with day-to-day life and feel so guilty that I didn't do more to help him. And, like you, he shows up in my dreams and even if I just shut my eyes sometimes.
I also have an 'Unwanted' feeling of emotions, as my parents didn't want children at all and I felt like an inconvenience for most of my childhood.
I blame my Mother for a lot in my Life, that is too deep and delicate to even mention and I now have to look after her as she has made herself practically housebound.
It's not an easy situation, is it. If only we could empty our heads and start again. :shrug:
MyNameIsTerry
08-04-15, 08:55
Hi Carnation,
I’m ok, when you asked this I had been having a few days where my laptop was struggling with the internet and the connection was dropping a lot so I could barely get on here. Since then I’ve been posting mostly in one block.
I’m ok. I had my usual blip cycle last week and it has returned to how it was before which is encouraging. I guess I have to monitor it for now but it shows I’m not going backwards at least.
I was looking at some Mindfulness books recently and by chance came across a publisher that has titles more related to practice in a specific activity.
I thought you might be interested in a couple of them:
Mindful gardening - http://www.amazon.co.uk/Art-Mindful-Gardening-Meditation-Mindfulness/dp/1907332596/ref=sr_1_12?ie=UTF8&qid=1427798290&sr=8-12&keywords=mindfulness+art
Mindful connecting with nature - http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-Natural-World-Bringing-Awareness/dp/1782401024/ref=pd_cp_b_1
I’m glad you are doing better and I hope you have a nice holiday! I’m also glad that you are happy to be going on holiday as they can make us feel the opposite way.
Thanks Terry, I might just invest in those. :)
Glad you are ok. :)
Terry, you always have such great resources to offer!
Carnation, hope you are hanging in there. Parkinsons sounds like an awful experience, not just for the person but for the family/loved ones as well. Grief is really complicated, especially when your relationship was not necessarily what you wanted it to be. With time you will work through some of these emotions. Be patient with yourself :hugs:
MyNameIsTerry
09-04-15, 07:13
Thanks swgrl09, too much internet time I guess!
Carnation, there was an old bloke a few doors down from us that had Parkinsons. He died late last year. I remember seeing him not long before as he beckoned me in to help him and he had barely any speech and was so frail. I've know him most of my life as a neighbour to say hello to and it did make me think for a bit.
I used to speak to his son & daughter when they came up and she used to be there throughout the day caring for him as she ran a business from home. She said it was very difficult & demanding.
Sending you hugs to all on this thread:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:xx
Oh Terry, you have no idea.
They should re-name Parkinson's; 'Slow Death by Cruelty'.
My Dad turned from a strong, energetic and independent Man in to a frail, disabled bag of bones.
He could not walk, speak or understand properly, shaking and trembling, not being able to swallow properly, smell, hear, not hold anything, not able to turn his head, as well as incontinence and sleepless nights and the weight loss was incredible.
I can tell you it rip me to shreds. I felt helpless and the GP was useless as well as the Doctor at the Hospital and why send him a Physio? Watching him perform like a Monkey and saying; "Gone on, you can do it". And then he would fall over and look up at me with his sad eyes as if to say, "Please make him stop".
My Dad was ex. Army, ex. Boxer and a Builder by trade. Never even wore a safety helmet and jumped from one scaffold to another. And now he couldn't even do his button up on his cardigan. I would say; "I'll do that for you Dad" and he would reply; "No, I can do it, I just need time". Mind you, he could still pour a whisky and roll a fag. That I never understood.
He had hundreds of falls and I am not exaggerating. There was one time I had to take Mum to the Hospital, because she fell down the stairs. I was attending to Mum and looked round and there was Dad stuck in the revolving doors as he had yet had another fall. He bashed his head so many times, he was bruised and cut all over his body and still the 'Medical Professional' did nothing to help. In the end he was resulted to a wheelchair; which he hated and felt embarrassed about. He would only let me push him around, otherwise he would not go out.
I watched as he was fading from my eyes and there was nothing I could do about it.
I felt like I had let him down, I should have noticed this coming. But the last 6 months was very rapid. I was racking my brains on how I was going to cope. I would eventually have to wash and dress him, feed him and so on.
Then the most awful thing happened. I was re-cooperating from my break-down and my Mum called me to say that Dad had been rushed to Hospital. He had fallen, yet again, but this time it was serious.
After phoning the Hospital, they told me that he had broken his neck in two places and in the area where it is fateful for survival. They had to put him in to a type of cage, with no movement and no food or drink, because swallowing was not possible.
How much worse could this get.
Despite my break-down, I did get to see him and it was not pleasant by far and I new this was bad. When I returned Home, I was told that he would never recover from this. I held his hands and it was the first time we ever had any loving touch between us. Love was never showed in my Household. I was told the next day that he passed.
I now struggle with the ordeal of the last six months of his Life and how I dealt with it and I am left feeling guilty and racked with emotions. I see his face constantly in my head and I get sudden rushes of Panic that my Dad is no longer here.
I am going to see a Therapist to hopefully deal with this as this is a big factor in my sleeping at night.
Thanks Swgrl and Magic for your replies. :hugs:
Hang in there carnation, the counselling will help I am sure. It is a process that has many steps to be taken. It won't all happen overnight, at least that wasn't my experience of it. But as I've said before, it does happen over time. You will get there. The pressure u speak of inside your head, that is familiar to me. I does ease in time. For me, the only way to get there was to work through it all. That may not be the way everyone deals with it but bearing in mind I had struggled with my issues for well overa decade..... And now having worked hard on it all.... I am free if my past. Of course sometimes my past can still influence me & play on my mind but it does not hold me to ransome. It is because if this that I encourage people to deal with their issues. Hugs.
Nice to hear from you Tessar. It's hard to believe that you can rid yourself of this tied up emotion. Not just my Dad passing, but the other 'Emotions' we have discussed.
I'm not at all surprised it took a decade. That's a short time compared to a Lifetime!
I wonder if we blame ourselves somehow? I'm sure it will come out in Therapy.
'Ransome'. Yes, that's good terminology for it.
I am so pleased you are rid of it, what ever it is. It sometimes takes another person to hold there hand out and show that they care, for you not to think you are worthless or it was not your fault. Do you know what I mean? :hugs:
MyNameIsTerry
10-04-15, 06:50
It gets really hard for them when they get frail with age let alone suffer something like this, Carnation. My mum once told me that my nan, who moved to a residential home as she wanted company after losing her husband, said she was ready to die because she had done all she was going to and felt it was her time. She passed away literally days later, peacefully.
What really annoyed me though is that the home just locked her in her room alone and buggered off to...most likely have a gabble & a cup of tea! My mum was very angry about this! Its not like they had to wait long before my mum & aunt got there as we all rang around to get people out of work.
Counselling will be good for you. I just see someone who did everything they could to help their dad. I don't see someone who failed or was worthless at all, it takes great courage to look after someone with conditions like this, its not like we are trained doctors & nurses and even they wouldn't be doing it all alone.
My dad is used to being head of the household (well, its my mum really but you know what I mean!) and he won't let us do anything to help him if he thinks he should do it himself. He always asks about technical stuff e.g. TV retuning, but if it comes to humping something heavy he still thinks he is much younger & fitter as he used to do a lot of manual work and was in excellent shape for a man in his 60's.
I guess counselling will be a matter of getting it all out and then trying to see it from a different viewpoint so that you can forgive yourself and move on? I don't know, I've never been through it at this stage, and I hope I don't for a long time yet although I do find myself thinking about my parents mortality as they are now in their mid 70's.
It must be hard to get past those unanswered questions. When I read things like this it makes me think about that myself because we don't tend to think until its too late. In my family we know how we feel, we don't say things. I guess we should, but its how we grew up because our parents are that way.
Today was the first Anniversary of the death of my Father.
I got through it. :weep:
MyNameIsTerry
30-04-15, 05:00
Hi Carnation,
Did you do anything to mark the occassion or was it more a day of reflection?
I hope you are ok. :hugs::bighug1::flowers:
It was definitely a day of reflection.
Mum did not want to do anything, so I spent the day reminiscing while spending the day in the garden. It was ok, I was not as upset as I thought I would be.
MyNameIsTerry
01-05-15, 05:19
Thats good to hear, Carnation.
Its always going to be the worst being the first one so take this as a good sign because they will get a bit easier going forward.
I think older parents are less concerned with doing things to commemorate, they seem to deal with it more in their heads.
Hi Carnation
When I read your post about your dad, I couldn't stop from crying. It really hits close to home. I have Parkinson's also, and went from working in construction to hardly being able to dress myself, or get out of a chair, in the space of less than two years. The medication levodopa has saved me. Now most of the time you cannot tell I have Parkinson's. Just a miracle drug!
I lost my mom in 2007 to stroke. She had 5 strokes, and by #4 there was nothing left of her. It is really hard to see a loved one in that condition. I felt relief that she had passed, at least she was not suffering anymore.
It is really amazing the amount of constant pain a person can live with. I can not remember not being in pain even though I know there was a rime I was healthy. Mostly I just block it out. All that matters is the moment. During one of my dark hours St Jude said to me in a dream that I would die in horrible pain. So obviously the pain is there in my subconscious. I enjoy life as it is as only the damaged can do. The few moments of pleasure each day are precious, More precious than diamonds. More than the healthy can ever imagine. Life isn't hell to me, it is just more difficult. I never feel yesterday, no matter how bad it was. So today is all that counts. I think all the truly disabled are like this, some just keep the pain alive by dwelling on it. One conciliation, when death comes I will never feel this again, but the pleasure will be gone too.
Maybe it is attitude, Maybe that is why CBT works for me.
Woodyp, my Father was 83 and he was forever saying that he was living on borrowed time. The strange thing is that the 'Disease', did not seem to bother him as much as it did me. Like I said, I felt so helpless and just wanted him to be ok.
He was never in any pain and was still going about his daily routine; he was a very determined and stubborn man and laughed at himself when he fell over.
I think the drugs are amazing, but my Dad never got round to taking them; he actually hid his Disease for quite some time.
Woodyp, I am so pleased these drugs are giving you a new lease of Life.
Davit, it is so true what you said. (Some just keep the pain alive by dwelling on it).
You have to Live your Life as much as possible, after all it is not a rehearsal.
---------- Post added at 23:06 ---------- Previous post was at 23:05 ----------
Terry, I think you are right.
My Mum just said that she has her memories in her head.
Yes, I never think about the pain but subconsciously I know it is there and when I get up it will hurt.
I use raised rows in my garden and have a weeding bench I sit on that I skid along. I made an attachment for my tractor to make them. Tractor is to wide so I now make two with the tractor and one between by hand. The garden overlooks a pond with wild ducks and geese and it is my pleasure to watch as I weed, some times I see bears and other wild animals. Still pleasant as this is, when I get off my bench I have to psych myself up because I will be very stiff and sore and my balance no good. But those moments make the effort worth while.
A negative attitude does keep the pain going even of it is not your pain. When I think of my Dad what comes to mind is all the good things he did in his life, the things he enjoyed, not what he had to do to attain them. He was a simple man who died at 65 and a couple months. One of the things I remember is him and two friend going fishing and taking too much beer. Syl fell out of the boat and Albert dived in to save him. Albert can't swim.LOL. Dad just pulled them back in, coming back across the lake they made this big circle because he lost his glasses pulling them back in the boat. It didn't bother him at all. My brother went over to where he lost them and dived down and got them and he was so pleased. The simple things in life are the important things. Little moments made of diamond. He left me a legacy called positive thought. Now I will wipe the tears and go get a cup of tea. I still miss him.
MyNameIsTerry
02-05-15, 06:17
Carnation, I think when they get to that age a lot of them make piece with the fact they are nearing the end. Its just acceptance again, isn't it? They could either spend their days dreading death or liberate themselves and live until it comes. I think thats how many of them see it and not afraid to die because, as some have said on here before, fearing & not living is worse.
I agree with you about not dwelling on pain, Davit. CBT is used to treat cancer patients as a symptom management treatment. Its the same as us really, its teaching them to view things differently.
I read a Mindfulness article about this recently on professor Mark Williams website. It was explained that there are two forms of pain, primary & secondary. The primary is the real pain coming from the trauma itself and secondary pain is how we react to it. We have control over secondary pain and we can choose to increase its intensity thus making the whole experience much worse.
Mindfulness is used to keep secondary pain minimal in the same way that CBT is. There are Mindfulness studies in symptom management of cancer now and I've seen studies of its improvements in the quality of life of asthma sufferers.
Mindset is key to everything, it seems.
Than, you carnation :-) I was having a lie in this morning & thing to myself that I now feel "cleansed". All that rubbish from my past doesn't dictate to me anymore, it doesn't mean none if it matters, because it DID happen & leave it's mark.
I do know what you mean as well. It will be your turn next. In time you can free yourself from the anger & mixed up feelings you currently have. In time, when the time is right.... It will all come out. Bit by bit. Don't be scared. Because, as people said to me, he can't hurt your anymore because he is no longer there. Problem is, we get so expert at besting ourselves up and more or less "doing their work for them" ... Even in their a sense it continues.
See if you an spot yourself being self-critical when in actual fact, there is no need. Perhaps belittling yourself or feeling worthless. These are leftovers from your past. You have the right to be happy. You are a good, kind & worthwhile person. You have the same rights as everyone else.
Nice to hear from you Tessar. It's hard to believe that you can rid yourself of this tied up emotion. Not just my Dad passing, but the other 'Emotions' we have discussed.
I'm not at all surprised it took a decade. That's a short time compared to a Lifetime!
I wonder if we blame ourselves somehow? I'm sure it will come out in Therapy.
'Ransome'. Yes, that's good terminology for it.
I am so pleased you are rid of it, what ever it is. It sometimes takes another person to hold there hand out and show that they care, for you not to think you are worthless or it was not your fault. Do you know what I mean? :hugs:
I am still getting these terrible Panics about my Father. :scared15:
It's one thing in particular and I am afraid that it is something that my Partner told me via a telephone call from the Doctor when he was in Hospital.
I asked my Partner to take a call, because I was so upset and he relayed the message to me. I don't blame him, but I can't get this out of my head.
He told me that my Father was sick and because he was in a neck/back brace and lying on his back, he was choking on his own vomit.
I am so sorry to be blunt, but these are the facts and I am crying as I type this.
The message then got worse, because he then told me that the Doctors tried to suck up the vomit from his throat and then he fell in to a Coma.
I can not tell you the visions I have about this. Every day and every night, I picture my poor Dad helpless and fighting to breath.
I feel guilty I was not there by his side and guilty that I did not stop this dreadful escapade that was put on my Father.
If it was not for this Hellish Disease, I would have been there. I feel I have let me down, put him through pain and was not there when he really needed me.
He will never forgive me and I am a failure as a Daughter.
There's no going back and I have done what I have done.
I am pathetic and now I am being punished with these visions that make me want to crawl up in a ball and die myself. :weep:
MyNameIsTerry
06-05-15, 06:32
Carnation,
Something I have heard from non anxiety sufferers is how if they couldn't be there they would feel guilty and punish themselves. Some were physically ill at the time, others were not even in the country. I think people with anxiety need to consider themselves in the same category and not consider themselves as fully functional hence their reason for not being there was purely themselves. Its just not like that, we want to be there all the time but we have a problem ourselves that is in the way. We shouldn't think of ourselves any worse than people with a physical condition that got in the way.
I have read about the things you did do for your father across your threads and its clear you were living your life for his. I can't see how that is a failure.
Something we also need to think about are the practicalities. If you were there, what could you have actually done? This might come across bad but its not meant to - we are no use in hospital, not on a physical level. We are there to support, care, love, etc but in terms of out loved ones being in pain, we are no more use than the bedside cabinet although we wish we could take all that pain away. I don't know whether this is going to come across wrong but I want you to see that you couldn't save him or ease his pain if you were there because only the doctors can do that and they don't need us there to do it. You not being there wouldn't influence them either way so perhaps you need to remember this and come to terms with the fact that what happened would have still have happened.
I think you really need to release all of this pain inside so that you can deal with it and move on.
If any of that is coming across bad, please tell me so I can delete it because I hope you would know enough about me by now to know that that would be the last thing I would ever do.
Terry,
It's hard for anyone to give an answer to a statement of such a delicate nature.
But, what you said has helped me a lot. If you look at it practically and not emotionally, it helps. I am, and have always been a very sensitive person. I hate to see anyone in pain and when it is your Family or a close friend, it is even harder.
(It is just as well I did not become a Nurse or Doctor).:ohmy:
Terry, you are always very sympathetic and I am definitely not offended with anything you have said. You have always been there and given me very good advice.
You are right. I do have to move on and release all of the Guilt and Pain.
If I can not deal with it on my own, I will have Counseling.
The strange thing is that my Dad also had the same dilemma with both his Mother and Father, so may be it is far more common that we realize.
Thanks again Terry. I appreciate your advice. :hugs:
My Dad passed away this time last year and I find I'm missing him more than ever. I wasn't even close and we had issues, but it is an unclosed book for me. So many questions I wanted to ask and didn't.
My relationship was not a loving one, by far, but, he's gone now and I can never know so many things. Did he Love me? Was he proud? Did I let him down? I sooo struggle with so many issues over this and I can't get closure. :weep:
Similar situation to you so I no how you feel I list me dad Christmas Eve before last we had a strained relation ship at times but when he died it hit me like a tin of bricks I was devastated then to make matters worse we found out we had another brother that my dad had when he was 16 so left us with a load of questions an no one to answer them it does get easier but it takes time xx
MyNameIsTerry
09-05-15, 06:12
Phew, thats a relief, I wanted to try to get that point across (something my mum often says) but it cna be taken the wrong way or seem insensitive and thats the last thing I want.
I think it probably is common and I wonder whether its more common in previous generations when people were less toughy-feely with their parents? Thesedays people do a lot with their parents but even my generation didn't act like that so we had more of a divide and did things more with friends.
Being someone with a lot of empathy & compassion, its bound to hit you hard. You will feel guilt & blame yourself and I'm sure some of the others on here who understand grief better than I do will have some constructive & supportive advice for you on that score.
I would always say to try to not be too hard on yourself and rationalise a situation, which can be hard on the inside but easy on the outside, because anxiety & depression thrive on being too self critical. If you read about Cognitive Distortions, something I learned in therapy, you will find you will be able to see where your thinking style becomes unhealthy which feeds anxiety. Since I learned this, it allows me to easily pick out the flaws in what people say so I can attach which distortion is presenting itself. This cna be a useful skill because if you can spot it, you can plan against it with methods to counteract it e.g. writing down evidence for & against a thought as seen in Thought Records, another CBT tool.
Hi Lisa. That must have been awful at Christmas time as well.
I think you are right about the time thing. :hugs:
Terry, It's interesting because there seems to be more people I know in my generation looking after their Parents.
I know for a fact that my Parents did not look after theirs and my Granny lived to be 89 and she managed on her own for 15 years. She use to go up the stairs on her bum and Dad used to take shopping round once a week and she would come for Christmas and Easter and that was about it. :ohmy:
I feel my Mum now just takes it for granted that I will do everything for her and I have to remind her that she is quite capable of doing some of it herself.
I'm not being hard, but it does not help her in the long run. She will just sit and do nothing and get more depressed and more independent on me.
I want to move, but she is holding me back. She won't leave the House and at some point I will have to make a decision for her. Not looking forward to that!
I gave up my Home and Career to look after my Dad and now nearly two years on, I am still in limbo with the Life Clock ticking away.
I am the only sibling, so it is really hard on me and I di not have any children, so I really worry about my future and getting old. :scared15:
Especially suffering from Anxiety and no longer able to do the things I used to do.
MyNameIsTerry
10-05-15, 04:41
I think old folks were a bit more independant years ago. I can remember mine on both sides hung on to their homes until there was no other choice as they needed so much help at home. Until then I have fond memories from my childhood going around after some shopping on the way and helping out, I used to love that!
I think some of them get to that stage. My brothers GF's dad was like that. He lost his wife and he didn't have much interest in anything after that.
I know what you mean about the ticking clock, I'm 39 now and my chances of becoming a father are starting to look limited and unless I can recover, thats never going to happen. To be honest this does get me down at times because my mum has looked after children at home and in her career all her life and she would be a brilliant nan. It makes me sad that I might not give them that opportunity.
39? That's not old Terry.
You never know what is round the corner, so never give up hope. :)
I have to say Terry, that since you posted your comments about my thoughts on my Dad and how it has been haunting me with guilt and sadness; you know, the one that you was worried about.
I actually feel a lot better. :)
It is true what you said.
Even if I was there 24/7 with him, I would not have been in control and there would have been nothing I could have done.
And, thinking about it, it would have been agonizing for me to have experienced every step before his passing, especially with my Anxiety and illness.
So, I thank you for that and I think the bad thoughts are finally drifting away. :)
In Victorian and Edwardian times men never married till they were forty. Marrying some one twenty years younger was acceptable. For me it is a matter of space and money. Kids would not have to be mine. I could be a grandfather easily.
You'd better hurry up then Terry, you've only got a year! :D
Carnation I'm sixty four and very crippled and very independent and have had home support. I survived with anxiety but all it did was make me want to get rid of it more, which I did. Even if you don't get a cure there are some very good coping skills that will allow you to function in what right now may seem like an unfriendly situation. I don't have any anxiety but I have a cane. The stores will put stuff in my car for me but I still have to get it out, everything has to have a handle or be in a bag and twenty pounds is heavy now. A bale of peat moss is 80 pounds, I drag it out of my station wagon and let it flop onto my garden wagon. I garden sitting down on a weeding bench or a seat on wheels.
You will find a way to stay independent. Never give up.
Davit, I think you do amazingly well. You are obviously a fighter.
I believe you can achieve anything if you have enough determination.
I believe that you are happy in your surroundings, but you must get frustrated about not being able to do certain stuff.
How do you keep your spirits high? (I don't mean the Brandy kind).
:hugs:
I have a wine cellar lol. Just joking, I make wine but trade it for labour. I get bad days, but have built such a positive attitude based on the fact that there is some real beauty in the world and it is worth enjoying that it shoots down the negative feelings. It is hard to explain but it seems I can just find good in every crappy situation. A lot of times it is just knowing I can still do something no matter the pain or the time it takes that gives me enough pleasure to counter the "why do I bother" thought. Your mother needs some of this, most people do. I might have a dozen sad thoughts pass through on a bad day and the urge to cry a few times, but they last less than a second. I think this is perfectly acceptable, it only means I'm human. My ankle hurt today and that is annoying, but that is all it is.
Yes, we do take nature for granted, don't we?
Since having Anxiety it has made me stop and look at the wonderful things that we would normally take for granted:
The Stars at Night
A Sunset
Fluffy Clouds
A Plant growing from Seed
The Trees
The Sea and the Sound of the Waves
Butterflies and Birds
Rabbits in the Spring
The Taste of a Homegrown Vegetables
The Warmth of the Sun
And if I need comfort; I get that from my Cat. :)
Yes, we do take nature for granted, don't we?
Since having Anxiety it has made me stop and look at the wonderful things that we would normally take for granted:
The Stars at Night
A Sunset
Fluffy Clouds
A Plant growing from Seed
The Trees
The Sea and the Sound of the Waves
Butterflies and Birds
Rabbits in the Spring
The Taste of a Homegrown Vegetables
The Warmth of the Sun
I agree with this Carnation, exactly how i feel. I have a deep appreciation for all these things, i have taken hundreds of photos of the sunsets/sunrises and the moon, i feel at peace when i gaze up into the sky it really puts things in perspective for me. I love tree's, water, animals, plants, everything and feel that now i live a far more content life, i genuinely feel blessed.
---------- Post added at 22:13 ---------- Previous post was at 22:12 ----------
P.S You would be a great grandfather - Davit
MyNameIsTerry
15-05-15, 06:52
P.S You would be a great grandfather - Davit
I might have misread this, Sam, I'm not sure Davit's that old :winks::D
You'd better hurry up then Terry, you've only got a year! :D
In Victorian and Edwardian times men never married till they were forty. Marrying some one twenty years younger was acceptable. For me it is a matter of space and money. Kids would not have to be mine. I could be a grandfather easily.
Well, I'm happy with the half my age thing ! :winks::D
---------- Post added at 06:52 ---------- Previous post was at 06:42 ----------
39? That's not old Terry.
You never know what is round the corner, so never give up hope. :)
I have to say Terry, that since you posted your comments about my thoughts on my Dad and how it has been haunting me with guilt and sadness; you know, the one that you was worried about.
I actually feel a lot better. :)
It is true what you said.
Even if I was there 24/7 with him, I would not have been in control and there would have been nothing I could have done.
And, thinking about it, it would have been agonizing for me to have experienced every step before his passing, especially with my Anxiety and illness.
So, I thank you for that and I think the bad thoughts are finally drifting away. :)
:yesyes::yesyes::yesyes::yahoo:
I think that is a good indication that you are ready to deal with it and move on. The fact you are able to see this from some posts on here and take it to that self analysis stage could mean you can deal with this even without counselling or maybe deal with the majority of it and go to counselling for the really hard stuck bits.
Another option is a group aimed at bereavement. Perhaps talking to others in one of those could help?
So, think about the things a counsellor might say:
1) If you had been there, would it have made a difference to the care for your father? This one you have obviously dealt with.
But what about:
2) Would you be expected to be there making yourself ill and potentially not of much use in that situation? (how many times have we all heard medical professionals telling us to go and get some rest and not sit there all the time? They must know this helps)
3) How would it change how you feel in grieving for your father? (surely it would be still as painful, its more about how you feel about yourself)
4) Would it have really given you closure on the previous issues that you feel you have not done enough in? (other than you putting direct questions to your father, how could it? And was he even in a state where he could do this?)
5) Do you feel you needed to say goodbye and tell him you love him? (this is the same for people who don't get the opportunity due to accidents or quick deaths. Besides, you showed how much you loved & cared for him with everyday you sacrificed your own life to prioritise his - as a parent would do for their child)
Things like that. If you can process these things and remove the guilt you have been carrying for so long then its going to help you so much as all the negativity is going to be feeding & reinforcing everything else you are trying to overcome.
Here we go again.........
I was watching a film and heard some music that Dad used to sing in the kitchen, then, BAM! Tears rolling down my cheeks and thinking that I never had the chance to say goodbye. I also remembered a day that I said something that I now regret.
I know I am feeling low at the moment and the music and everything, but felt the need to vet.
I feel I moan so much lately and I tend torture myself, but I can't seem to find the happiness that I used to have.
I can't help it, I miss him and Life is just not the same. :weep:
There is nothing wrong with those emotions. Sad as they may be they do keep the connection alive. I'd rather that than forget my dad. Yours must have been very special.
I remember finding a quiet place on my property and telling My Dad that I bought this place for us but he died. I told him I thought he would have liked the quiet. And just incase he didn't already know I told him I was sorry for all the heartache I caused him. I was not a good son but can not change that. Well I can try to be a better person now and I think I'm succeeding. His pain will not be for nothing.
As I get older I find myself more like him. He was first born but went to war so all the privilege went to his younger brother. It stayed there after the war. I don't think he wanted it. In that we are similar. In half a year I will be the same age he was when he died but that is not his birthday. I must have meant something to him. The majority of his estate went to me even though I am second son. His brother and Sisters lived into their 90's. So it was probably 35 years in a uranium mine. His youngest sister is still alive and 91. He would be 99 if he was alive.
MyNameIsTerry
21-06-15, 05:35
Yes, I think thats very normal. Woudn't it be worse to be so hard that a treasured memory didn't bring in emotions of love?
We will all most likely have memories of regret. When we are low, we think about such things because we are being more negative. The important thing to remember is that you dedicated the last years to giving him the best care you could. In his mind, wouldn't all that hard work override something you said in the past?
phoenix1985
16-08-15, 14:27
As you know, Carnation, I too lost my dad - a year go now. We didn't have the closest of relationships. He walked out on me and my family when I was a young teenager, and I really had no contact with him from then until just before he died. I spoke to him on the phone about a week before he passed away, and was supposed to speak to him the next Sunday morning as well, but because of my anxiety. chose not to.
I get angry with myself for not being brave enough, for giving tin to the fear, even though I know I can't help the way I get with people. He was in a care home and wanted me to go and see him. I couldn't face it, and my mum didn't really want me to go either, so I kept saying, "eventually I'll go." Then it was too late.
He was ill - MS. But he died of a chest infection. He refused to take his medication. He had suffered with depression on and off all of his life, and I think he was depressed at the end too. He knew that the MS would only get worse, that he would lose his voice and the ability to talk and that really scared him.
I feel guilty, and have those same questions you listed. Did he care? Was he ashamed of me because of the life I've led? Was he embarrassed to have a daughter with mental illness? Did he ever want me in the first place?
They're all questions I will never get an answer to. And that's one of hardest things to live with. He's gone. And that's that. Nothing can change it. I can try and believe that he cared, but I will never know for sure.
Sorry for the long post, but I@ve had ll this bottled up inside for so long. It kind of streamed out.
:hugs: to all on here. Grief is hard to cope with.
Phoenix, I'm glad you have managed to get your feelings out online. You've been carrying them around with you for a long time.
From what you've said the very fact that he wanted to see you means that he wanted you in his life. Maybe he wanted to apologise for not being there for you when you needed him?
The very fact that you are grieving for him shows that he meant a lot to you regardless of what he did or didn't do. The guilt you feel is unjustified but I know you will find this hard to believe..
Your dad would be proud to have a daughter who is battling back against adversity. He chose not to be in your life for whatever reasons but wanted to have contact again before he sadly died. You must feel very cheated to have lost your Dad just when he was back in your life?
It will shortly be a year since my own Dad died. The circumstances of his death are still being investigated by the local safeguarding board but the Care Home has issued an "unreserved apology" for their part in events. This past year has been so challenging but I just have to keep going to get some justice for my Dad
Phoenix, I am pleased you have off loaded some of your emotions. You NEED to do this. You can not carry this around with you forever.
I too was meant to go and see my Dad before he went, but the Anxiety would not let me. I look at it this way now. I was not meant to go, for what ever reason, maybe to protect me from further mental damage; who knows? But it was not meant to be.
I am left with unanswered questions, which will never be resolved.
But again, maybe we were not meant to know the answers. Would we like the answers? Would we have got the answers anyway?
Let's face it. Our Dad's had a lifetime to tell us and they didn't; again, for what ever reason. We can not feel responsible. We are the children in the scenario, even though we are grown up now. We would still be the children in their eyes.
I will never know if my Dad loved me although my Mother tells me he did. But, my Dad would never show his feelings, but he did keep a picture of me as a baby by his bedside. How do you know that your Father didn't do the same for you?
Like your Father Phoenix. My Dad had a debilitating Disease and would have eventually not be able to walk, speak, move and his life would have been hell.
I am pleased now that he went before that stage and had no further suffering.
The loss does get easier as more time passes.
I am a little longer than you with loss and I do notice as time goes on, I understand more about my feelings over this and it DOES get easier.
I have periods where I get upset or think about everything involved, but you start to see the mist clear. You will know what I mean when it happens.
DON'T punish yourself over what has happened. We feel what we feel because it is a healing process, but the most important task that you should be concentrating on, is yourself. You have to look after yourself and fight the illness so that you get quality life and the life that you deserve. :hugs:
phoenix1985
17-08-15, 19:10
Thank you Carnation and pulisa for your words.
It does help to get the feelings out. Bottling things up doesn't help. This I have learned through experience, and I'm still learning, clearly.
I am glad that he went before the illness got worse. Despite our rocky relationship, I wouldn't have wished that suffering on him.
I want to believe that he cared and loved me. I want to believe that he regretted what happened. A part of me thinks that he did. But there's always the doubt.
I hope you're right and it does get easier. I will try to believe that. :hugs:
You have to believe that Phoenix. :hugs:
I have to as well.
We can NOT take the blame or guilt for something that we are NOT responsible for or is out of our control.
Like you, I struggle with the emotions of whether I was loved as it was NEVER shown.
Some Parents are like that. But, it does not mean there was no feeling.
Put the Love that has been saved in to creativity. It helps. :hugs:
By creativity, I mean; drawing, gardening, cooking and so on; well, you get my drift.
It is perfectly natural as to how you feel Carnation.
I was also an only child and closer to my dad than my mum.They both died within 3 years of each other after being together for 42 years.
I handled the loss of my Dad but after my mother suddenly died I felt terribly alone.(They were my adopted parents,but to me,my parents)
I was in my early twentities and I promise you that I think of them nearly every day, and that was 35 and 38 years ago respectively, and I look back at happy memories, and we always lived within our means, but were a happy family, and I like to think I was brought up properly.
You lost them when you were very young Ricardo. It must have been difficult and lonely for you.
Being an only child. It can get very lonely and also there is no-one to ask advice or a second opinion. Also to take the load. It is ALL on my shoulders and the load is too heavy for me at the moment.
I find music the biggest trigger for the memories. Sometimes I embrace it and smile at an occasion we had and sometimes it makes me feel sad and then I start crying.
I don't think that anyone can ever prepare for the loss. We are never ready and we do not know how it will affect us until it actually happens.
I was not close to my Father, so I was really confused on how upset I was when he died. It really shocked me and my Therapist at the time said that this can be quite common when you do NOT have a close relationship. :shrug:
Dear Carnation, sorry for your Loss. Youri Feelings are naturnal. I am glad you are seeking help and I am sure you will be happy again. Warm wishes. X
I don't think that anyone can ever prepare for the loss. We are never ready and we do not know how it will affect us until it actually happens.
I was not close to my Father, so I was really confused on how upset I was when he died. It really shocked me and my Therapist at the time said that this can be quite common when you do NOT have a close relationship. :shrug:
Perhaps you were grieving for the relationship you never had but always hoped would happen.
I really don't understand why I get so upset, because we were just not close. Never a cuddle or words of affection. In fact I felt like a piece of furniture most of the time.
it would have nice if he had told me he loved me
before he died. His saying was always; "Take Care".
My Dad was also sorry for things he had done in the past. He fell out with a lot of people including family and when they passed away, he was sorry. He also hated his Father, but the Family turned him against him. I even left home because I though I was unwanted, but I do know in latter years that he said there was always a roof in his house if I needed it.
It's a shame close ones cannot express their feelings more openly, it would save a lot of heartache.
Your Dad was always sorry when it was too late. Too late to reveal "unmanly" feelings he felt ashamed of maybe. His generation were raised like that. If he had the chance to come back and talk to you, hold your hand again, his feelings might be expressed in a very different way to how you think. When he said "take care" he meant it. Maybe it was just his only way to express his love for you.
Don't forget that at the point your Dad unfortunately died, he was desperately trying to keep his independence. His anger at the disease probably turned to anger and frustration at you.
This thread shows me nothing but a loving daughter who would have done anything for her Dad. :hugs: You'd already imagined what you would have to do in the future. Having your ideas changed so suddenly must have been a huge shock on top of your loss.
I hope you get on well with counselling. Are you seeing someone from CRUSE?
23tana, thank you so much for your Post.
It moved me to tears; in a good way and it made me realize that this is still a big issue for me. I will be starting more counseling again and NO, I have not seen anyone from CRUSE, it never crossed my mind to do this, but I will look in to it.
Thank you for your kind words. :hugs:
I'm glad if I helped. :hugs:
CRUSE bereavement Care: http://www.cruse.org.uk/contact-us You can self refer.
I in no way wish to hijack your thread, Carnation but I just wanted to ask you whether you found that your grief got worse as time went on? On Saturday it will be 1 year since my Dad died and I'm totally in pieces.
MyNameIsTerry
08-09-15, 11:59
I in no way wish to hijack your thread, Carnation but I just wanted to ask you whether you found that your grief got worse as time went on? On Saturday it will be 1 year since my Dad died and I'm totally in pieces.
Your dad would be very proud of you for fighting for what is right and on top of your own difficulties with your anxiety and the challenges with your daughter. :hugs:
Thank you ,Terry, for your thoughtful words and kindness. I think that now we've come through the safeguarding process it's all begun to hit me and the anniversary coming up is just too much to cope with...But I know my Dad would have said "it's just another day" so I will try to take that on board and do my best to get through the day. If things don't improve I'll seek help.
bernie1977
08-09-15, 13:37
Love to you both Carnation & Pulisa. I was 19 when my Mum passed away and I don't think there's any set pattern for grieving I'm afraid.
Still after all these years something can set me off and the grief is so raw it hurts a great deal. I will say that as time goes on you some how learn to live with it, I'll be honest the pain doesn't go away but you learn how to cope with it. As more time passes you also get more happy thoughts that will make you smile when you think of them. You'll think of good times you've had together and it'll make you smile.
You will get through this I promise you, it's very hard and hurts like hell but IT WILL GET EASIER. I would also recommend bereavement counselling if you're struggling xx
Pulisa, I was really struggling around the year mark. Especially the first birthday without him and thoughts would come flooding for no apparent reason.
It has been about 18 months now and it has got a little easier, but music is a trigger for me or something on TV that Dad liked and of course night-time is always a thinking zone for me.
Bernie is right. As time goes on it gets easier and you learn to cope and live with it.
We are not supposed to forget as they are memories, but I struggle with the guilt as you know the reasons for me as I know about you Pulisa. I am told time and time again what a good Daughter I was and that I did all I could to support him, but you know the issues that we have to deal with. Did I do the right thing? Did I do enough? Did I let him down? I made the wrong decision and It goes on and on torturing us until it hurts.
All I can say Pulisa, is we don't have a crystal ball, how we supposed to know what is going to happen tomorrow/next week/next month? We do what we think is right at the time and we do what we are capable of doing. We are not God and fate is out of our control. As Terry says; your Father would be proud of you for fighting the case; which could not have been easy for you. :hugs:
Bernie, it must have been devastating for you at the age of 19! That could have easily have been me as my Mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer, but she survived and is still alive today. She even out lived Dad. Being a teenager is a very sensitive time as well, so you must have been very emotional.
Thank you for taking the time to send us some comfort and I am so pleased you have decided to stay with NMP, as I know you were upset. I was in a similar position myself, but there are many good people on here and you need good people when you are down or suffering. :hugs:
Thank you also for the link 23tana. :hugs:
bernie1977
08-09-15, 19:29
I'm 41 now Carnation and missing her lots at the moment as I'm having lots of women's problems so to speak! I keep thinking I wish my Mum was here to talk to about this. It'll never go away, I'm sure you're the same with your Dad xx
Bernie, your Mum will remain in your heart forever and your strength and courage will get you through. No-one can replace a Mother, but you will meet people throughout your life that will give you support and advice that you need.
Never feel that you are alone and she would surely want you to live your life and be as happy as you can be. She gave you life and you can live those moments for her and smile when something good happens and remember that emotional times are normal; it shows what a caring person you are and that goes for you too Pulisa. :hugs::hugs:
bernie1977
08-09-15, 20:00
Thank you Carnation, brought a tear to my eye reading that :hugs::hugs:
Thank you from me as well, Carnation. We all have to go through this but it's hard xx
MyNameIsTerry
09-09-15, 05:23
You had something to fight for as opposed to all the time to grieve so perhaps it's just a delay to what you would normally go through? Having to be proactive whilst keeping the family going could have been a way to get through but I guess eventually it will catch up. The thing is though, thats healthy with grief as bottling it up seems worse to me.
I know a few people who have lost parents and they were just the same when the 1st year anniversary came up, birthdays and Xmas too. They said the same as Bernie & Carnation.
When my nan died, my mum kept it all inside. My brother was in tears and I was ok. It hit me when I saw the coffin being lowered at the cremation and if just washed over me. My mum has always been the disciplinarian in our house and I think she believed she shouldn't burden us with how she felt. My dad was the complete opposite when his mum died. He didn't show it much to us but you could tell unlike with my mum. I guess they dealt with it between them to prevent it upsetting their kids.
Everybody has their own ways of getting through it but you will do, it's what they would want of us. :hugs:
I wish so much I was allowed to grieve when I lost both my parents in 3 years instead of being bunged up with mogadon and librium for 2/3 years. I am convinced that started my extreme anxiety.
One can write as much as one likes but unless you have actually experienced the loss of parents one just can't describe how one feels .Friends lodd is an entirely different thing.One can symathise but can never feel as if it were your own.
I have found memories of my parents who I lost at a comparitive early age but there is no shame to think about them whenever you wish and I do regularly and mine died decades ago.
bernie1977
09-09-15, 07:48
I wish so much I was allowed to grieve when I lost both my parents in 3 years instead of being bunged up with mogadon and librium for 2/3 years. I am convinced that started my extreme anxiety.
One can write as much as one likes but unless you have actually experienced the loss of parents one just can't describe how one feels .Friends lodd is an entirely different thing.One can symathise but can never feel as if it were your own.
I have found memories of my parents who I lost at a comparitive early age but there is no shame to think about them whenever you wish and I do regularly and mine died decades ago.
I definitely agree with what you said there Ricardo about not grieving causing mental illness.
My first long term partner died when I was 26, I found him dead. I didn't grieve at the time. Looking back now I think I had PTSD, several years after the event this was also suggested by the mental health team.
I was heavily medicated on old fashioned anti depressants & sleeping tablets. I had no knowledge about anxiety & depression and knew nothing about the meds I was taking. I lost a grip on life and got into a lot of debt spending to try and ease my pain. I used to be out all the time and drink a lot, anything rather than be doing nothing as it would be then that what had happened would hit me.
I eventually lost my job of 12 years and my world came tumbling down as my friend also committed suicude. The anxiety hit me big time at this point and that's how my path to panic disorder with agoraphobia & social anxiety started as I totally cut myself off from the world.
I feel better for typing that all that out, before it would've made me cry so it goes to show I'm getting stronger.
I Miss My Father and Mother:weep::weep:
bernie1977
09-09-15, 07:58
I Miss My Father and Mother:weep::weep:
It's not easy Blue Moon, sending you lots of hugs and thoughts :hugs::hugs:
MyNameIsTerry
09-09-15, 09:09
I Miss My Father and Mother:weep::weep:
Lots of these...
:hugs::hugs::hugs::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1:
Bereavement is such a complex issue. Blue Moon, I truly feel for you too xx
I think for me things are complicated as my daughter is unable to cope with me feeling anything other than what she perceives as "normal". Anything different, emotionally-speaking, terrifies her and this comes out in her as anger/agitation.
MyNameIsTerry
12-09-15, 07:44
I in no way wish to hijack your thread, Carnation but I just wanted to ask you whether you found that your grief got worse as time went on? On Saturday it will be 1 year since my Dad died and I'm totally in pieces.
Pulisa,
In case you read this, here are some of these for today :hugs::hugs::hugs::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1:
Don't be too hard on yourself about anything, you fought very hard to protect others in hour fathers name and left him a legacy behind that will prevent others suffering needlessly of which he would be proud of you for. :flowers:
A different slant, so excuse me Carnation, that I know pulisa will understand. We both have daughters with complex illnesses and I am starting to think more and more how my daughter will cope if I and her mother aren't around anymore.
That's ok Ricardo. :)
I have a friend in the same position. They are putting in place now some sort of after care for when they are not around anymore.
Blue Moon :hugs:
My visions have come back again. I keep seeing my Dad in a distraught condition looking at me and I am just looking back. It really distresses me and then I get all panicky and upset. Waves of guilt flood over me and then I get angry with myself and then I get upset again.
I tend to keep this to myself and not tell my Partner or family, because they would not understand. But, I would have thought these feelings would have passed by now seeing as it has been 18 months since he died.
I can't talk to my Mum about this as she is so wrapped up in herself. I am just hoping that in time I can feel better about it all and can just remember his life in memories and not emotional trauma. :weep:
phoenix1985
23-10-15, 19:06
Carnation :hugs:
MyNameIsTerry
24-10-15, 08:12
Perhaps this has resurfaced briefly because you are having a hard time in general?
You have to remember that you did so much for your dad but you could never change what was going to come as it was just his time. Remember that if you could have been there, you would have but also that the doctors do things with the patients best interests in mind and whether you are there or not, they will make the hard decisions as that is their job.
I can't answer this as I don't have the life experience to but perhaps in times of emotional upheaval past grief breifly resurfaces as we are at a low point? Maybe it's another way of our minds kicking us as they often do when we experience low moods or depression. I know I tend to berate myself for my failings when my mood sinks and all the thoughts about how pointless my existence is spill out.
:hugs::hugs::hugs:
That's what I keep telling myself Terry. I try to be logical, but the Brain is not listening to me. I am a very practical person, but I think it may be deeper than I realized.
You see, I had many issues with my Father when growing up and to be honest with you, I didn't particularly like him as a person. I was frightened of him as a child, because he was so strict and felt that he took out his emotions on me. We never had a close relationship, but at the end of the day, I will perform my role as a daughter and I had tried to make peace with him later on in Life, but it just did not happen.
We were never close and I just went about doing my own thing.
I actually ended up feeling very sorry for him in the end, because he could no longer hit out on me and I had the upper hand. (I don't mean that he hit me, but he would always blame me for stuff and not give me any credit and snap and bark at me).
I would go so far as to say I hated him most of my life, but I still had respect for him, as 'Respect' was drummed in to my brain as I grew up.
Also my Mother is not the easiest of people to live with as you have heard from my other posts and she basically drove him in to the ground, which I am now experiencing myself.
But, my emotions are my very own secret and personnel feelings on the disappointment with the relationship with my Father and how the relationship was never resolved and how it has made me feel, like I had turned my back on my Father at the end because of my own mental illness. I basically chose my safety and health over his in the last few days of his life. If I had been there for him at the end in hospital, it would have destroyed me for sure. And, I know the Doctors tell you to go home, get rest and they will call if any change and all of that, but I am racked with guilt, when I know practically that I have no reason to feel guilty.
I think it is the loss of a Father that I never really had a relationship with like I should have done; maybe? I don't really know. My Mum does not help either.
I have decided to have more Therapy for this as I started it with another Therapist but feel it was not a closed case.
Thank you for taking the time to answer.
phoenix1985
24-10-15, 18:44
It's scary how similar our situations are with or parents Carnation. I think I feel the loss of my father in the same way - I don't miss the man that he was as much as the relationship we could have had and the father he could have been. It hurts that he wasn't what I needed, and that I couldn't make that relationship what I needed.
It's hard not to blame ourselves and feel guilty. I often think to myself that he wasn't worth the torture I put myself through sometimes, but then that makes the guilt I feel worse that I would think that.
I think some sort of therapy might be a good idea. I think one day I'm going to have to talk to someone about it all. But not now. I'm not ready to really deal with it all. I hope therapy helps you come to terms with it all. :hugs:
I think that you will have to be prepared for some tough therapy sessions, Carnation, if that's what you decide to do. I think you will have to be sure that now is the right time as what the sessions may throw up could impact onto how you cope with your daily routine and commitments. It may be that your partner's health concerns take priority or that you feel too low to take on any more challenges?
I think I'd have to be very confident in the therapist's skills before embarking on such an intensive and emotive programme-there is such a lot at stake in my view xx
MyNameIsTerry
25-10-15, 10:32
It seems to me that making peace with yourself is the most important thing. You clearly perceive your actions over those last days as poor because you believe you should have been there but is it so different to someone on the other side of the world unable to get there in time to say goodbye or make peace? I don't think it is and to be honest I would see flying across the other side of the world as a doddle compared to facing serious fears when far from stable.
I missed my grandad's funeral because I had been ill with pneumonia. My nan told my mum that I was not to come and to get well. If I wanted I could have dragged myself there, I wasn't dieing. I have thought about it but because I have my mum and my nan who both decided I should not attend, I dealt with it as not being my fault. I guess that external decision from even closer people took that guilt away from me.
You know that in any other circumstances you would have been there. Some people would say they would be there no matter what but thats really someone who doesn't understand because there are many health issues which would prevent someone from being there and no one would view that in a negative light. I think if you were lying in hospital with all your limbs in plaster you would still have some of these feelings but what I also believe is that there is a bit of the old inequality between mental & physical illness here. I think you see it as worse because you were abled-bodied but you need to work towards changing that view because mental health issues are serious. God, give me back that pneumonia and every illness I've ever had. There are people that have said they would rather have had much more serious diseases they had suffered with than mental health issues as they found them much harder to cope with.
I think you also have to step outside of yourself. What about your father's role in all of this? He acted how he did. You are not responsible for that and whilst it's sad that it didn't get fully resolved, you can't carry the burden for his poor behaviour towards you and you know what, I think you do.
:hugs:
Hi to all on this thread,
I watched my daughter take her last breath in May this year.
I am coping ok.
There are times when something happens, like yesterday when I sat in a café by myself. Young people around me talking about there love lives.
I had to get out as I was choking on my drink. Just came on . Good job I had my dark glasses on.
I could not go out of the house by myself for a few months.
Now I am trying my best to move on.
I cannot say the same for my hubby.
Not looking forward to the festive season.
Hugs to you all . JUST KEEP GOING.:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
MyNameIsTerry
25-10-15, 11:29
Magic, loads of these to you and your husband :hugs::hugs::hugs:
That must have been incredible hard, and still is. I used to work with a guy who came home to find his son had taken his life. It broke him for a while but he did return to the same happy joking guy we all knew & loved, if only on the outside. I think such things are an extreme test of your strength so to be able to pull yourself out of it any way you can shows great strength. I hope your husband can find his way out too.
Magic, I can't imagine the depths of your grief let alone how your husband must be suffering. Bereavement brings us all together yet we all suffer in different ways and forms-there are no set rules to it and we just have to carry on and continue with our lives, no matter that we don't want to..
Losing a beloved child is possibly the worst thing imaginable and you are surrounded by vibrant young people if you go out...it's an horrendous situation for you. It must be so hard every hour and every day..xx
Thank you Terry and Pulisa, I am the strong one. I have my off days, but
keep going xx
You are very brave, Magic. Don't feel you have to be brave all the time, though? What you have been through is immense. Christmas will be very hard but you'll get through it in your own way xx
thank you everyone for your replies. :hugs:
Phoenix,
It's scary how similar our situations are with or parents Carnation. I think I feel the loss of my father in the same way - I don't miss the man that he was as much as the relationship we could have had and the father he could have been. It hurts that he wasn't what I needed, and that I couldn't make that relationship what I needed.
It's hard not to blame ourselves and feel guilty. I often think to myself that he wasn't worth the torture I put myself through sometimes, but then that makes the guilt I feel worse that I would think that.
I think some sort of therapy might be a good idea. I think one day I'm going to have to talk to someone about it all. But not now. I'm not ready to really deal with it all. I hope therapy helps you come to terms with it all.
You have captured my thoughts and as they say; 'The River Runs Deep'.:hugs:
Pulisa,
After experiencing some new Anxiety symptoms today and taking in to consideration my workload and emotional ties, I think you are right about facing this issue at this present time. I will still go ahead with the Therapy sessions, but I will tackle some of my present issues, but I will choose carefully. :hugs:
Magic,
No-one can imagine how you must be feeling and how it has affected your life.
Christmas will be a difficult time for you. Maybe you and your Husband could go out somewhere to eat this year as I did with Mum. (We would always have Christmas Dinner at home, but could not face it last year). You probably will not want to be faced with any cooking on Christmas Day and you could just treat it like you are going out to eat. :hugs:
Terry,
I think you also have to step outside of yourself. What about your father's role in all of this? He acted how he did. You are not responsible for that and whilst it's sad that it didn't get fully resolved, you can't carry the burden for his poor behaviour towards you and you know what, I think you do.
How true this is. I am carrying the burden and have always felt like it was my fault for everything. Why, I don't know, but it is something I need to release. :hugs:
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