lisa0406
24-03-15, 08:14
Hey everyone,
I'm obviously new here and wanted to share my problems with you and hopefully find people who can at least give me advice or maybe know what I'm going through.
My name is Lisa, I am 24 years old, female, studying MA cultural analysis.
Preface: I have had trouble with panic disorder in the past and certain borderline tendencies. I have hypochondria / health anxiety for years now, I am one of those cyberchondria prsons that google everything and are contantly worried about being sick or crazy. I am just always afraid of losing control.
I started therapy last fall. I am currently taking passion flower to calm me and started with Saint John's Worth a week ago.
Last fall after really stressfull months Derealisation kicked in like a window to the real world and even though it is slowly vanishing I feel totally traumatised by this shitty experience and floated right into this existential anxiety / panic, which makes my life hell and gives me the feeling that I will never be the same anymore. I just feel totally isolated from the world even though I have a lot of friends and a successful Master so far. The thing is, with DR I just lost touch to all these normal things (friends, studying, everything 'normal') because I just feel like "seriously everyone the least of my problems is your new fancy coffee machine or moving to Berlin" or whatever people are telling me these days. Do you know how I mean this? My thoughts about my current state never leave me, they are so obsessive! I just cannot cope with this DR experience and now having all these existential thoughts, feeling isolated, leading to panic.
One member of the forum described it very precisely:
"Anyway, I've been having the most trouble lately with derealization and existential panic. Derealization has been common during the last few months, though the existential thoughts that accompany it now are awful. What is all this? Why am I here? Am I real? Is the world real? Is it all my imagination? What is the meaning of life? etc. etc. I can't get a break from them and it's making my life extremely difficult! It feels like I don't know who I am anymore. It also feels like I'll never feel normal again. It's like the thoughts have been so awful and disturbing that I'll never be able to feel alive and normal agan.
I know the thoughts are irrational and unresolvable, but that doesn't make them go away. Is this just a symptom of my anxiety? The derealization seems to be at its worst after periods of high anxiety. I don't have any history of OCD behaviour in terms of rituals or actions, but the thoughts themselves feel very obsessive. I've had the same existential thoughts plenty of times before in my life, but they didn't cause me any pain. "
[I tried to contact this person but he wasn' online for a year so I don't expect him to ever read my message]
What makes things even worse is that I study something that helps me to analyse everyday culture and contemporary phenomena, often with philosophical theory. Also I read Foucaults "madness and civilisation" and had a class on psychoanalysis.You can probably imagine how this doesn't help at all (being able to analyse everything plus being very critical when it comes to instituionalised therapy / concept of madness and so on) so I had to do a study break for the past months. As the person in the thread I quoted says, I had those thoughts about everything before and I always wanted to understand the world in every detail and now with DR those things don't mix up that well obviously.
Also, I realised some time ago that studying doesn't make me happy / curious anymore but am not sure wether this has to do with depression or just my mood.
I just feel like kicked out of life twice. Once, with my studying down (uni was my life, I am one of the best ones of my classes) and second with DR and everything horrible that is going on, isolating me from the "real, normal word", having existential panic.
Does anybody maybe have medication tipps or experiences? Until now I always hesitated to take chemical medication.
Sorry for writing so much, nice to meet you all. I know I'm quite the complicated case.
All the best, Lisa
I'm obviously new here and wanted to share my problems with you and hopefully find people who can at least give me advice or maybe know what I'm going through.
My name is Lisa, I am 24 years old, female, studying MA cultural analysis.
Preface: I have had trouble with panic disorder in the past and certain borderline tendencies. I have hypochondria / health anxiety for years now, I am one of those cyberchondria prsons that google everything and are contantly worried about being sick or crazy. I am just always afraid of losing control.
I started therapy last fall. I am currently taking passion flower to calm me and started with Saint John's Worth a week ago.
Last fall after really stressfull months Derealisation kicked in like a window to the real world and even though it is slowly vanishing I feel totally traumatised by this shitty experience and floated right into this existential anxiety / panic, which makes my life hell and gives me the feeling that I will never be the same anymore. I just feel totally isolated from the world even though I have a lot of friends and a successful Master so far. The thing is, with DR I just lost touch to all these normal things (friends, studying, everything 'normal') because I just feel like "seriously everyone the least of my problems is your new fancy coffee machine or moving to Berlin" or whatever people are telling me these days. Do you know how I mean this? My thoughts about my current state never leave me, they are so obsessive! I just cannot cope with this DR experience and now having all these existential thoughts, feeling isolated, leading to panic.
One member of the forum described it very precisely:
"Anyway, I've been having the most trouble lately with derealization and existential panic. Derealization has been common during the last few months, though the existential thoughts that accompany it now are awful. What is all this? Why am I here? Am I real? Is the world real? Is it all my imagination? What is the meaning of life? etc. etc. I can't get a break from them and it's making my life extremely difficult! It feels like I don't know who I am anymore. It also feels like I'll never feel normal again. It's like the thoughts have been so awful and disturbing that I'll never be able to feel alive and normal agan.
I know the thoughts are irrational and unresolvable, but that doesn't make them go away. Is this just a symptom of my anxiety? The derealization seems to be at its worst after periods of high anxiety. I don't have any history of OCD behaviour in terms of rituals or actions, but the thoughts themselves feel very obsessive. I've had the same existential thoughts plenty of times before in my life, but they didn't cause me any pain. "
[I tried to contact this person but he wasn' online for a year so I don't expect him to ever read my message]
What makes things even worse is that I study something that helps me to analyse everyday culture and contemporary phenomena, often with philosophical theory. Also I read Foucaults "madness and civilisation" and had a class on psychoanalysis.You can probably imagine how this doesn't help at all (being able to analyse everything plus being very critical when it comes to instituionalised therapy / concept of madness and so on) so I had to do a study break for the past months. As the person in the thread I quoted says, I had those thoughts about everything before and I always wanted to understand the world in every detail and now with DR those things don't mix up that well obviously.
Also, I realised some time ago that studying doesn't make me happy / curious anymore but am not sure wether this has to do with depression or just my mood.
I just feel like kicked out of life twice. Once, with my studying down (uni was my life, I am one of the best ones of my classes) and second with DR and everything horrible that is going on, isolating me from the "real, normal word", having existential panic.
Does anybody maybe have medication tipps or experiences? Until now I always hesitated to take chemical medication.
Sorry for writing so much, nice to meet you all. I know I'm quite the complicated case.
All the best, Lisa