Letting family down

[Everlong33]

Hi everyone,

I would like your opinions on this please or advice that any of you have if you have found yourself in a similar situation.

I've had GAD since I was a child, having seen my mum suffer with panic attacks when I was little.

I've had moments in my life where I have been able to control them and have led a fairly anxiety free life but then certain periods of change or stress bring them back again. I've had a really stressful 4-5 years and its all caught up with me. I am currently on the waiting list for CBT Therapy.

Anyway the situation is that my husband wants us to go on holiday with our 2 year old. It would be her first time on a plane and I haven't flown for over 10 years. He wanted to book Majorca in May just for a week. It sounded so lovely and I know the flight would be short, I so wanted to go but its the thought of flying and being so far away from home which I am struggling with at the mo. I just feel that I couldn't cope with it until I've had CBT Therapy and start to feel better again. I'm not good with enclosed spaces or being with lots of strangers.

The way I see it is I would rather let him down now before we book anything than to book it all, just for me to let him down at the airport. I understand that for the partner of someone who has an anxiety disorder it must be terribly frustrating and in turn stops them from doing certain things. I totally get that. But when I told him that I just couldn't do it right now and can we go somewhere else closer to home without flying, he made me feel worse by saying that he can't see me ever changing and that I will push my fears onto our little girl just like my mum did with me. I'm now feeling so down about it cause I feel like I've let both him and my little girl down.

I just want to know what your opinions are on this as should we force ourselves to do things we know will cause us anxiety just to please the ones we love or should the people who love us accept we are this way and hope that one day we can do these things. It's just that the whole idea for this holiday is to relax but I won't be able to do that because I'll be anxious the whole time about the flight and the distance from home. I wouldn't be relaxing so it wouldn't be a holiday for me. :weep:

Sorry for the long post. Thanks for reading. x

[rcs]

Hi,
I suffer from GAD and depression and went on holiday to South Africa last year to visit relatives and get some sun, it is a thirteen hour flight with a stop over in Dubai.

I saw my Doctor before I went as I had some anxiety issues as you say being claustrophobic and dealing with immigration, security and being away from home .

In the past these trips were helpful but this time after a couple of weeks I was not enjoying myself at all and came home a bit depressed . I am not a big drinker but when on holiday everyone seems to offer you an alcoholic drink and I found that a bit much and meeting new people can eventually be exhausting.

I was told in CBT about avoidance and to try new things but your wellbeing comes first, it is not always avoidance but a thought out decision .

Why not have a holiday in UK there are many lovely places on the coast and we do get some good weather in the summer.

Hope You Feel better soon and the CBT should help.

Take Care
Bob :)

[lior]

Oh my goodness. Saying that you will never change is a harmful, hurtful thing to say. And it's simply not true. Your partner doesn't understand how you feel, and he was frustrated that he wasn't getting what he wanted.

But if you go along with what he wants, you won't be getting what YOU want. And since your feelings on this particular matter are extreme, why should you be the one that gives in? Your suffering would be higher level if you went on holiday, compared to his if you didn't go on holiday.

There are lots of alternative options. He can go without you. You can all go somewhere without flying. Or you can put it off til you feel better. Or something else.

A little education into anxiety might help your partner be a bit more supportive. Please don't listen to things he says that hurt you. You CAN change, and with CBT you can change faster. CBT can really, really help you cope with flying. It's helped thousands and thousands of people.

Also, here's some comforting anecdotal evidence for you. My mum has a fear of heights and freaks out whenever she's up high. She pushes herself every so often and ends up rooted to the spot and crying. I do not have a fear of heights, and neither do my brothers, despite her very obvious symptoms when we've seen her in those situations. Just because you are a certain way does not mean that your little girl will be as well.

[Mart0310]

Agree wholeheartedly with everyone elses comments here.

Without doubt, Anxiety is frustrating for the partner - someone who has never experienced Anxiety can only base their understanding on the scariest situation they have ever been in, which rarely comes close to the feelings experienced as a result of anxiety. To their minds the question is simple ... Well I could manage to fly if I was feeling anxious, why cant he or she? The difference being the level of anxiety!

Anxiety CAN be beaten, Ive done it, Ive done things I never ever thought I would be capable of again and so will you. For the moment, you have to consider this a temporary illness, it will get better but right now like any other illness its likely to restrict your life a little bit. Just for now!

Avoidance isnt the answer, but neither is over exposure. Gradual at first is the quickest way forward - Achieving an experience without anxiety is far more positive than clinging on for dear life in a situation where your anxiety is topping out. Your lasting memory from every situation has to be 'I didnt struggle with that' and soon you will literally be flying!

For now, my solution would be a compromise - perhaps a UK holiday in the summer, and maybe a trip abroad toward the end of the year or early next year - A goal to work toward but not one with pressure!

Your daughter is very young, and really wont know the difference between a holiday here or one abroad.

[Everlong33]

Thank you so much for your replies and advice/views.

rcs - Thank you for your advice, I know that once I've had CBT therapy I will be able to deal with it better as I've had CBT Therapy once before many years ago and it did help. It was just unfortunate that at the time I was unable to open up fully so probably didn't benefit as much as I could have, hence why I feel I need it again.

Lior - Thank you for your words, I agree that what my husband said was very hurtful to me but the way you explained it made it easier for me to explain to him.

Mart0310 - Thanks for the advice and I totally agree that a gradual process is whats best. I think I felt a bit rushed into making a decision about flying abroad and knew deep within myself that I need more time and to get there in my own time.

I spoke to Husband yesterday and he understood and I think he had calmed down a bit from the disappointment. We have now agreed and have booked a holiday to Centre Parcs instead! We are going to aim to go abroad next year :-)

Thanks again for taking the time to reply to my post. Wishing you all the best. x :hugs:

[Mart0310]

So pleased to hear things are looking up for you, you sound much more positive in your post! Well done for booking centre parcs, At my worst I couldnt have even done that, so you can be reassured that you are not as anxious as I was and I managed to get free from Anxiety. If I did it, you will too.

Start looking foward to sunnier days and that happy stress free holiday :yesyes: