Struggling today :(

[Mart0310]

Made some fantastic progress this week, but the weekend has been horrible, and I feel like Im never gonna beat this again.

When my anxiety is like this I rely so heavily on my wife, I just need her around, When panic tops out, the one thing that brings it down is her taking me for a drive, No idea why it works, I guess its the flight thing.

I feel this time around as if she is relucantant to give up her social life to help me, we have our own business, she doesnt have to do a great deal so is used to spending most of her days out with friends etc. I guess I cant blame her, it was 10 years last time before I sought counselling, and then a quick recovery after that. Shes only had her own life back for about 2 years and now Im threatening to take it again, albeit short term hopefully, Im already back in counselling.

I feel like Im begging for her help, The time when I need her the most it feels like she is here because she has to be, rather than because she wants to be. We had a talk about this last weekend, she made more of an effort, and by Thursday I was feeling so much stronger, a lot less anxious and less dependent on her. Then the weekend hit and it started all over again.

Satuday morning I had an awful panic attack, I was begging her to take me out, literally, it was ages before she agreed. This morning I woke up predicatably early while she stayed in bed, I got out of bed and she complained I was getting up to earlier and she had no intention of getting up yet. Of course with memories of yesterday morning still fresh in my mind and with no 'escape plan' the obvious happened and my panic topped out. I ended up calling my parents for help.

All I have right now is my pride and I feel like even this is being taken now, constantly complaining at me about how my anxiety is affecting her. as if I didnt know already!

The stupid thing is that a few weeks of supporting me the way I need, is probably all I need to get back on track, why cant she see that? I just feel like the support isnt there this time and I have no idea how to do this without her :( Im sorry for the rant guys, feeling a bit better for getting that out there

[23fish]

Is there anything else you can do when you wake up early? Would a walk help, or do you need someone with you?
My husband has tried really hard to support me, but I have to keep reminding myself that it's exhausting for him as well. Your wife sounds like she is doing her best, but she's bound to be tired.
Hopefully your counsellor will help you to plan strategies for when you can't go out with your wife. You would feel so good if you didn't need to rely on her so much, and you would be able to work towards recovery at any time.
Take care

---------- Post added at 15:22 ---------- Previous post was at 15:20 ----------

Just thought - have you tried meditation? There are some good guided meditations on Youtube that might help you to relax if you're up early. I also listen to audio books. I rarely hear more than half an hour, but the concentration helps as a distraction

[Mart0310]

Thank you :) She has a heart of gold, and I know this is a struggle for her. At points of desperation you tend to forget that. We managed to get out for a nice walk this afternoon and Im feeling much better now!

I have to admit when Anxiety hits the point it was this morning, I struggle to do anything on my own, walking outdoors would be a real issue I think. I guess it then becomes trapped panic which helps to push it up just a little bit more.

I probably need to get the distraction techniques in a lot earlier, Were usually very independent of each other, this is so hard to deal with, for both of us I guess :unsure:

[Carnation]

Yes, it's difficult Mart0310.

We all become needy and reliant upon our loved ones when they have no understanding of the desperation of support.

Can you start a project within the Home whether in the house or garden. This way you will be giving something back, diverting your Mind and then you won't feel so guilty about asking for that 'Car Drive' or 'Walk'?

[23fish]

Good to hear you've had a better day.
Another thing that has helped when I feel panicky is to 'observe' the feelings. They seem to pass more quickly and are a bit less scary when you take a step back. It takes a bit of practice, as your first reaction is to tense up, but it does help.
It also feels better when you are outside. Soon you'll be able to have a cup of tea in the garden if you wake up before your partner. and there's always something to look at or listen to outside.

[Mart0310]

Thanks Fish, I may try a cuppa in the summer house tomorrow, maybe the change in routine will help. Carnation, the worst thing is I've been here before, I should know what to expect and how to deal with it, so frustrating! Getting my teeth into something sounds like good advice. Thank you both ;)

[MyNameIsTerry]

I hope you feel better soon Mart.

I can understand what you are doing because when I was struggling I was walking every single day of the year, for hours, no matter how bad the weather. I started doing this when I hit my worst period in my first breakdown and later relapse.

What I have learned is that this is a safety behaviour because it allows me to escape several hours sitting in the house when my anxiety is naturally higher. It became a healthy behaviour that turned unhealthy. I decided to spend a few months in and didn't leave the house at all, only to go in the garden. This broke the cycle and I felt more in control of the decision as to whether I needed to go out or wanted to or could stay in.

I still walk daily now but its more for fresh air and exercise and I will have some short breaks from it and stay in, just to keep an eye on whether its becoming an obsession as it did last time but so far, it hasn't. I have various forms of OCD along with GAD and it tends to find routines as a way to create a new all day ritual, so I find it very hard to break such patterns and the walking was one of them.

Breaking it was a little unpleasant at first, but it passes.

So, I would encourage you to look at your behaviour when this happens and if its a safety behaviour, look towards breaking it at some point or it will restrict your life, you will feel less in control and it will feed the anxiety patterns because your subconscious can see a form of behaviour linked to the trigger and will be more reluctant to break the cycle.