View Full Version : Girl help and anxiety
Hi folks. Advice and help please :shrug:
Just after the New Year a woman my age added me to her favourites list on the Plenty of Fish dating site. I messaged her and we have been messaging back and forth ever since. Last week I asked if she would like to chat off site, to which she replied with her email and mobile number! :scared15: Anyway, the problem is I’m not a people person. I have nothing to say and finding things to say in messages is getting really hard.
Part of the problem is I have no friends I go out with regularly and I have never had a girlfriend before. :blush:
So I'm thinking 'oh c**p, what do I say'?
MyNameIsTerry
30-03-15, 08:26
OK, so what themes have you been discussing already? Write them down and then right some things next to each one, some sub themes that can be your conversation points. Notice where you appear similiar and come up with things that you enjoy as a possibility to talk about as she might enjoy them.
This is really good. It is difficult to get women to give you the time of day on POF these days. It used to be a superb dating site, I have met loads of women from there and had some really good experiences including a few relationships, but these days the men are all after sex and the women are after compliments for their down-blouse selfies, so it is difficult to get anywhere if you're actually there to date people.
I cannot emphasise enough that this woman isn't a timewaster. Most people (of both genders) are timewasters. She is clearly into you and does not see you from your negative-biased viewpoint. Yeah, no-one else sees you the way you see yourself - surprise! ;)
Not having anything to say at this stage is normal - it's just fear of buggering it up. But you've come this far. It's all in, or go home. This stage can be so frightening you should bring some spare underwear and a crate of Lynx Africa. But the fear only lasts while it's new.
On my first dates or first phone calls I tend to jabber on, talking too fast, and I usually panic and end up talking about my car before I realise I'm doing it again. I've actually found that a woman who is remotely interested in me uses this to learn stuff that I don't realise I am giving away, and they seem to build up a great deal of trust towards me and actually tell me they like hearing me talk. So don't be afraid to talk about yourself and your dreams - she needs to know she isn't dating Norman Bates (and if your name actually is Norman Bates, then Jesus!).
They say that a man should always let the woman talk about herself and never talk about his own life/dreams etc - don't read dating advice sites, it is sexist nonsense that will confuse you and destroy your hopes.
The key to dating success is:
* Always be yourself - if you're not enough for her, she isn't enough for you. However, don't tell her how inexperienced you are at this stage. It's not a competition, and people can be scared off by people with no history as well as too much history.
* Don't be afraid to make a fool of yourself. Life is about handling failures and embarrassments. Handling them well makes you look epic. If she is driven off because you put your foot in your mouth once, well, she wasn't exactly a keeper was she, you can't have an entire relationship without buggering up at least one million times.
* Don't make sex an issue. Sex is massively over-emphasised in today's society. Don't be a reject from American Pie. You are looking for a girlfriend, not a quick bunk-up.
* Don't send suggestive texts unless you trust that she wants one and don't send her pictures of your anatomy. My advice here is to wait until she drops the hint. Trust me, if she's interested, she will casually mention that she's in bed/in her underwear, in the bath, etc etc, or she might do what my last GF did and send me an extremely sexual voice message via Whatsapp when we'd never even spoken on the phone.
* Don't put too much into it at this stage. You are leading towards a date. It is irrelevant that you've never had a GF. You have proven that you are attractive to a member of the opposite sex. My best friend is an attractive blonde girl and she gets way more attention than I do - but my relationships have all meant something and my friendships are deep and rewarding, whereas her love life is an utter disgrace and she's going to end up imploding (and probably with VD). Therefore, quality is far, far more important than quantity - quantity is totally irrelevant. Depth, love, trust and friendship are what keep the world turning.
Thank you both for the advice. I know I need to take my very anxious mask off for this one and try and let myself shine.
:)
Very good reply from NoPoet and couldn't hsve said it better myself.
Being a Plenty of Fisher myself a lot and I mean ALOT of people are on there for one thing so finding a genuine one is such a good thing!
Just be yourself and the wonderful you shine through :)
Good luck
HB xx
As NoPoet says, honesty is definitely the best policy (in my opinion). Tell the truth about being nervous - say something like 'ooh its been a while since I was in the dating game, so apologies if I seem rusty...!', take the edge off of the things that are a big deal in your head and turn them into a fun conversation topic - i'm sure you'll be surprised that she will have also thought about a lot of the worries you've had.
Also, as was mentioned before, try to remember and refer back to conversations and topics you already covered - if she told you about something she was doing or planning to do, ask her how it went and about what else she has lined up for the future.
Tell her about you - trust me, even the small things that you might think are boring, won't be that way if the person you are speaking to is interested in you - which it seems like she definitely is.
Best of luck - I'm sure you'll be amazing when you chat to her!! Let us know how it goes :)
we have arranged a phone chat tonight via text. ooh er!
MyNameIsTerry
22-04-15, 11:33
Good luck, Pete.
Remember, its not all on you either, she will be doing the talking too and will have the same things in her mind so I'm sure between you it will go well.
You've obviously got things in common and once you get into them, it will flow.
we have arranged a phone chat tonight via text. ooh er!
Best of luck! I'm sure it will be great... As Terry said, the conversation is a two-way street, so don't forget that it can really pay to be a great listener as well as a great talker.
Let us know how it goes :)
We spoke for just under ten minutes a little earlier. It was a struggle because I was nervous talking to this woman I have not yet met. I get the feeling she was nervous as well.
So, it went 'OK'. I said I would email her later in the week
That's great... You made it through the first conversation, which is usually the toughest, so I am sure next time around it will be much smoother sailing.
Hope you're feeling more positive now? Do you think you'll aim to speak with her again?
Well done! :)
MyNameIsTerry
23-04-15, 09:09
Good one, Pete.
Don't leave emailing too long then if she was nervous as she will be worried too.
Well, I emailed her a few days later, then then text her on the Tuesday after.
No reply :shrug: :weep:
Hi Pete,
I´m a fellow abchelor and anxiety sufferer. I feel your pain mate. I know it´s a cliche but there really are plenty more fish in the sea!
I also, and I know even non-sufferers, have probs with knowing what to say. From my epxerience best things to do is relax and stay in the moment, and then somethng will come to your head.
Most important thing is for you to be comfortable. If you´re comfortable then so is she! Don´t put yourself under pressure by thinking that you have to be a certain way, or say certain things, relax and go with the flow.
Alaso, if I may add, don´t get too hung up on each chick you meet, try and see it as practise. There´s always another one around the corner if the one your chatting to doesn´t work out!
Best,
Jon
Its over
I have been thinking and as we have talked more I feel that we are not well matched together. It seems we are very different from each other. For example I like to experience new and exciting things as often as I can and am looking for this in a partner. As you said yourself you dont like coming out of your comfort zone so I think we wouldnt be a good match here.
You seem like a genuinely lovely guy and Im sure you will find a lovely lady who matches you better than I do.
I wish you all the best in your search and in everything you do.
Take care
Sorry Pete! Don´t worry mate. Don´t get too hung up on it!
I recommend yourr focus to be dealing with your anxiety. This is your, and our obstacle! Get rid of the anxiety, learn how to deal with it and you´ll get chicks like a rock star! ;)
The best woman for helping you do this is Claire Weekes, devour all her audios and books on amazon! And you´ll see!
Best,
Jon
youdontknowme
05-05-15, 12:25
Sorry to hear it didn't work out! But hey, just focus on you and your own life. The right person will come along when she comes along, huh?
And hey, it's good that she had the respect to be straightforward about it. A lot of chicks (and guys) do the "fade out" routine, which I find to be quite cruel. Still sucks, though.
Nevertheless, you don't need romance to find happiness in this world. Take it from someone who's been single for a year; there's a ton more to life than relationships :) You can have a blast, girl or no girl.
charliepanayi
05-05-15, 20:11
Nevertheless, you don't need romance to find happiness in this world. Take it from someone who's been single for a year; there's a ton more to life than relationships :) You can have a blast, girl or no girl.
The trouble is it's easy to tell that to someone when you have had romantic success in the past. When you've never had it, these words tend to ring somewhat hollow.
theharvestmouse
05-05-15, 22:23
The trouble is it's easy to tell that to someone when you have had romantic success in the past. When you've never had it, these words tend to ring somewhat hollow.
I know what you mean, it's often people who say that who've never really been for long periods without either a partner or at least regular intimacy with people.
I find enjoyment out of life itself, but when you go for years of going to bed alone, waking up alone it begins to take it's toll on you as a human being. Humans need intimacy, when you go without this I believe it starts to eat away at you.
I recommend yourr focus to be dealing with your anxiety. This is your, and our obstacle! Get rid of the anxiety, learn how to deal with it and you´ll get chicks like a rock star! ;)
I appreciate what you are saying, but having never had someone love me that way I feel so hollow and alone (ref the posts above). I feel like time is running out. I know that may seem daft but I'm going to be 33 this December and don't like the thought of going through life on my own.
Hi Pete,
I know how you feel Pete mate! I used to be the same. But trust me you´re not unloveable mate. Your just in a anxious state and can´t show people your best side.
The anxiety is stopping you from being a relaxed, confident guy which down inside you really are.
Once you get your anxiety sorted out and grow your confidence and self esteem then you´ll be able to chat up girls, be confident and have fun. And then the worlds your oyster.
If I can offer you some support PM me!
Best,
Jon
theharvestmouse
08-05-15, 20:17
Jonjones,
How did you change into someone able to chat up girls?. I've had a quick look at your blog, theres a lot of posts and maybe when I have more time I will read it.
MyNameIsTerry
09-05-15, 05:09
Jonjones,
How did you change into someone able to chat up girls?. I've had a quick look at your blog, theres a lot of posts and maybe when I have more time I will read it.
I never even knew Claire Weekes was "the love doctor" :winks::D
Lol Terry! :)
...............................................
Hey HarvestMouse,
I did so by learning how to stop running away from, and being afraid of how I felt.
If my heart beats fast, I get short of breath, and tense etc etc. I have learned to loosen up, let go, sag, and not put resistence to it.
And then I done this so many times, and continue to do so, that I have built up my confidence. I can now go approach a woman I think is beautiful and tell her. If my heart palpitates, and stomach churns etc then so be it! Let it!
And the confidence you build from starting at zero, from having none, is true core confidence. It will never leave you!
Best,
Jon
youdontknowme
12-05-15, 06:49
Hey now, guys, my life is far from a romance novel. Every relationship I've ever tried has wound up being abusive. I have had my heart and psyche shattered over and over.
So, I have chosen time to myself. It was very hard and lonely at first, especially because I was madly in love with my ex, but I forced myself to stay away. I've been single for a year now, still going strong.
My whole love life has been a string of bad relationship- long single stretch- bad relationship. These days I've learned to find happiness in my romantic solitude.
I totally get it, though, singleness can be very lonely, and rejection sucks. I'm just saying that I've found joy in it, and perhaps you can as well :)
Besides, you never know who will come around the corner. There's billions of people out there, you're bound to click with one sooner or later. All the best luck in your romantic attempts! Good on you for putting yourself out there.
---------- Post added at 05:49 ---------- Previous post was at 05:46 ----------
I mean, seriously, good on you. I hope none of this came across as too preachy. You're really courageous for facing your anxieties like this. I really do hope you find someone to share your life with!
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